Thranduil / Reader (11)
The first days were the hardest to go through after Legolas had left Mirkwood and traveled to Rivendell where he was supposed to attend a secret meeting with other races of Middle Earth. The most difficult and emotionally draining thing was that you had no idea what was going to happen after the council; was Legolas going to travel back or was there something else that he had to do before returning to Mirkwood. The summer changed into an autumn and the forest around the palace started to turn yellow and red and the days got colder as the world slipped closer and closer to a new winter.
You found this change rather challenging to accept, mostly because the creeping darkness and the overwhelming silence that surrounded your new home were emphasizing the fact that you were lonely and missed Legolas very profoundly. You were worried for his safety but you were equally, but secretly, afraid that you and the elf prince would grow apart during this separation. There were no phones, no Internet, no social media or means of instant communication and even though you kind of felt close to Legolas mentally and emotionally, this bond started to fade as he got further and further away from Mirkwood. In your modern world you could have always called or follow status updates to at least know that your loved one was still alive, but in Middle Earth separation meant actual separation and that was quite hard to get accustomed to.
There were few letters every now and then, the first one sent from Rivendell but you knew that by the time the letter reached Mirkwood, Legolas had already left the foreign elven realm. You had hoped that he would have been on his way home already but in the letter the elf told you that he had promised to attend a fellowship and travel further with eight companions. It was a secret mission and therefore he couldn't tell you anything about it, but he was very apologetic that he was not going to return home anytime soon. He also reminded you about his undying affections and promised to write as soon as there was an opportunity to do so.
These letters kept coming, or actually not really because there were only few that Legolas had managed to send, however you could see a certain change in them; Legolas grew more distant and worried, he lost friends in battles and everything that happened affected his kind spirit. He also mentioned that he had befriended with a dwarf lord called Gimli and this unlikely friendship was comforting the elf during the dark times. Yes, the friendship between him and the dwarf, not the thought of returning home after the issues had been solved. Legolas never said that he did not miss or love you but you could notice the difference between his first letter and the letters he had written later and sent from Lothlorien, Rohan and Gondor.
What made this even more challenging was that you had no opportunity to write him back because when ever his letter reached Mirkwood, he had already moved on and since there was a serious risk that the messenger would get ambushed and caught by the enemy, Legolas was never able to tell you where he was headed, which was completely understandable. However this, the fact that you understood the need for secrecy and so on and accepted it full heartedly, it still troubled you greatly since Legolas was talking almost all the time about his fears and doubts and there just simply wasn't any way for you to write him back and comfort him. One thing that he mentioned in a letter sent from Gondor right before the big battle stated that he heard the seagulls and now longed to sail home beyond the Western Sea.
The elf prince sounded tired and it was apparent from his words that he drew strength from his friendship with Gimli, the dwarf. In the first letter Legolas had painted a picture of your life together after the war, a dream that gave him hope and pushed him on, but now in the later letters he never mentioned such dreams. You of course tried your very best to ignore it and neither take it personally nor get offended about it but the truth was that it worried you… and also hurt your feelings since you were still patiently waiting for him to return.
During the autumn and the winter you had developed a surprisingly warm friendship with Legolas' father, Thranduil, who was the king of your new home realm. You had shared countless dinners, conversations and long walks in the garden, you had made playing cards and taught him some card games, which you had in the beginning won but then, as expected, Thranduil had learned by heart and because he was a very wise, clever and tactically smart man, he had soon started to kick your ass. However, to be honest, you did not really care about it as long as he kept your mind distracted from the pain that missing Legolas was causing you. During the long, dark months you learned that Thranduil was actually a pretty decent guy and if he promised you something, he always kept his word. For example he had promised that he would never insult you and even though it was pretty obvious that you drove each other insane sometimes, his irritation never boiled over, not even when your frustrations got better of you and made you say something rude or to insult the king somehow.
However, then Middle Earth plunged into war, leaving Thranduil with no other choice than to gather his army and to join the battle. You knew that your sword fighting skills were zero, despite the fact that Thranduil had been kind enough to teach you some basic self defense -moves, and therefore it had been obvious, even for you, that you were going to stay in Mirkwood. You had quite conflicted feelings about this; on the other hand you knew that you would have gotten killed instantly if you had ridden to war and therefore there was no point to do so, but then again, you knew that you would have felt closer to Legolas if you had joined him on the battlefield.
So you watched Thranduil getting on his elk effortlessly in his shiny armor and leaving the safety of the palace with his warriors. You knew that it was his duty and the good guys needed all the help they could possibly get so the bad guy wouldn’t win but still you had silently hoped that the king would stay in Mirkwood and keep you in the light. But he didn’t. He just rode away one morning and even though you were still basically surrounded by people, you felt lonelier than before as a depressing silence fell over the palace and the surrounding forest despite the approaching spring.
There were days when you did not leave your bed and there were days when you just cried helplessly until there were no tears left and you could do nothing but to stare at the ceiling and breathe with shallow gasps which made you feel like you had been waiting for death… death that would never come so you would just remain somewhere halfway, not really alive but not really dead either. It was strange and also heartbreaking that the longer Legolas was gone, the more you missed him deep down; you had assumed that it would get easier at some point, but now that the king had also traveled away, there was nothing to keep you distracted from the sorrow and longing.
Then one day you there were cheerful noises that first got mixed with your vivid dreams and finally woke you up; horses, wives welcoming their husbands and people congratulating the king for the victorious battle. Suddenly your mind got filled with hope, kind of certainty that made you feel joyful as well as energized, more alive... just like you had felt before Legolas had left Mirkwood. Encouraged by this certainty you ran out from the chamber and stormed to the front courtyard wearing your nightgown and nothing else, barefoot and with messy hair.
You scanned the crowd frantically, trying to see Legolas, your husband, in the sea of faces, but as soon as your gaze met Thranduil's, he shook his head as a sign that Legolas was not among the returning warriors. His expression hit you like a sledgehammer and for a brief moment your face was filled with sadness and confusion. However as soon as you realized this, you smiled to hide your disappointment and nodded before walking back to Legolas' chamber where you had been living since moving to Mirkwood.
You had been so excited, almost entirely sure that this was the day when you would feel Legolas' arms around you again but like many times before, your hopefulness had been rewarded with a bitter disappointment and it wasn't really helping you to fight against the feeling of loneliness that was silently growing inside you and eating you alive. You changed the nightgown into a plain dress and just as you were done, there was a subtle knock on the door. You took a deep breath, walked to the entrance and placed your hand on the handle. After swallowing your visible emotions and making sure that you were not going to cry, you opened the door and were greeted by the sight of Thranduil standing in front of you, all tall, strong and handsome in his shiny, perfect armor and wearing a simple crown made of silver by the finest goldsmiths of the realm.
- You look tired, my lady. he said with a casual voice and walked into the chamber after you had stepped away from the door and given him room to enter. "Disappointed and..." he stated and then added "...Heartbroken" with a deeply concerned tone after taking another look at you, this time paying more attention on the fact that you looked rather pale and lifeless.
- I was so certain. you mumbled and turned your head away to hide the dark circles under your eyes. “I thought I heard his voice but…” you continued, walked into the bathroom and spoke bitterly “…But I suppose it was just a hopeful dream getting mixed with the cruel reality” while staring at your reflection in the mirror. You really didn’t want Thranduil to see you like this, so vulnerable, weak and mentally destroyed.
- (Y/N)… Thranduil began, paused and sighed. He knew that he had promised Legolas to keep you safe and make sure that you were well during the time the prince was away and therefore seeing you like this made the king feel guilty, like he had failed and broken his promise. The truth was that Legolas had written letters to his father as well and also Thranduil had noticed a change in his son; he was more distant now, almost like a stranger, carrying fear in his heart constantly and his mind filled with lingering sadness. Thranduil had a feeling that you had sensed the same and this was affecting your mood as well, killing you slowly and silently from inside.
- My Lady, it does not help my son... the king said, paused and waited for a sign that you were paying attention to him. You wiped the runaway tears off your face, took a deep breath and walked out from the bathroom to the large windows that were currently covered with long curtains. You moved the curtain just a little and took a look at the sunny garden outside. The light hurt your eyes and the sudden ache made you wince just a little. "...Not even the slightest, if you wear yourself out like this" the king spoke while walking slowly behind you.
- It is irrelevant. you commented immediately. You really didn’t want to discuss your mental state with Thranduil because for some reason he was able to see more than you wanted to let on. You had managed to keep a brave face in front of the king since the day Legolas had left Mirkwood, but it was getting harder and harder by every passing moment to keep the negative feelings hidden from the surrounding court. However you had a feeling that even though it had never been addressed directly, the king was able to read between the lines as well as to see beyond the mask you wore in public.
- No. the king replied assertively.
- I just need him to come home! you pleaded somewhat desperately. “Why isn't he coming home?” you asked and turned around to find answers from the king’s eyes. It did not make any sense; the king had returned from the same war, yet Legolas had not followed for some reason and you were completely unable to come up with reasons why your husband, Prince Legolas, was acting this way. Therefore you began “You fought with him-“
- No, not really. the king replied instantly and when he did, you stopped talking altogether. You stared at the tall elf with wide eyes, just silently, as you tried to connect dots to see the big picture.
- Wha-what do you mean? you asked eventually and folded your arms to build a impenetrable wall between you and Thranduil. You were confused and it made you vulnerable, therefore you just had to block the king’s aura somehow. You took a deep breath and stammered “You-you rode to war, the same war-“
- Yes, but you must understand, my Lady… Thranduil replied, again interrupting you, paused and continued with a calm tone “I led my army to the battle from the north.” The king paused again and after taking a deep breath explained “We fought against Sauron’s forces while my son was defending Gondor and attending the battles in the south.”
- So basically you don't even know for certain if he is alive. you spoke after summing everything up. You had seen some maps, which you now recalled, and now it finally hit you; the distance between Mirkwood and Gondor… there had been no single battle but many, far apart from each other.
- Legolas is one of the best warriors in Middle Earth. Thranduil stated immediately because he could sense your mind filling with fear and desperation. “My gut tells me that he is alive and well” the king spoke with a kind, comforting tone and he even smiled a little. “He knows that he has a beautiful, loving wife waiting for him” he added and nodded as a reassurance.
- I am not so sure anymore if he remembers. you mumbled and turned away from the king again. You took another glance at the garden from the window with a sad expression on your face.
- I am. Thranduil stated firmly. His statement however made you chuckle bitterly because you were almost entirely sure that he was saying it just to give you hope and to make you feel at least slightly better.
- His letters, the recent ones have been written by a stranger. you commented as you felt the engravings on the windowpane with your fingertips. “He has changed” you sighed almost inaudibly.
Thranduil swallowed as his deepest fear had come true; you had noticed the change as well, which meant that his son was no longer the same man who he had been when he had left Mirkwood. The thing was that before meeting you Legolas had been attracted to a commoner and his father had not accepted it and then the woman had fallen in love with someone else and all this had made Legolas slightly bitter and cynical, nothing compared to the people in modern world, though. However when the elf prince had met you he had started to embrace the world in a new way and he had managed to rekindle his lighthearted spirit and curious mind, the very things that he had once lost, partially at least.
- He will return to you... Thranduil stated as confidently as possible. “…As soon as he can” he added and put his hand on your shoulder as a gesture of companionship and friendship.
- I hope so. you commented with a barely audible tone.
- Now, Lady (Y/N). Thranduil said to which you reacted by turning to face him and shifting your attention from the sunny garden to him. “I am starving” he stated and after a small pause, asked “Breakfast?” You however did not respond to his statement followed by the question in any way so he offered you his arm in order to escort you into the dining room where the breakfast would be served soon.
- Actually, I think I will just sleep a couple of hours more. you answered, hoping that Thranduil would just let it be and not start an argument about your lack of appetite.
- You may sleep after breakfast. he replied firmly yet kindly and kept offering you his arm.
- I am not really hungry. you commented and still refused to take his arm.
- I do not care, my Lady. Thranduil stated with a slightly irritated tone. You took a small step backwards as an automated reaction but since you were standing by the window, basically between the wall and the king, there was not really any place to run. “I am the king and I am ordering you to join me for a breakfast” he continued, staring deep into your eyes, his ice-blue orbs reaching deep into your soul and compelling you to do as he wished.
- Legolas is going to return home any day now. he stated and the expression on his face softened a little. “Do you think he would like to see you like this?” he asked, put his hand on your shoulder and continued with a friendly, warm tone “When he returns you must be in your full strength to take care of him.” You shifted your eyes away from the king just so you would feel less exposed under his intense gaze but at the very moment you turned your head, the king cupped your face with his both hands and guided you to look at him once more. “Understood?” he asked assertively, keeping his voice soft and comforting nevertheless.
- Yes. you sighed and nodded. It made perfect sense that Thranduil wanted you to feel well, he after all had made a promise to his son that he would look after you while he was gone and the king was only keeping his word.
You took the king’s arm and followed him into the dining room. Thranduil asked you many questions concerning the time he had been in the war, what had happened in Mirwood, what rumors were there circling now among the people in the court and so on but neither of you mentioned Legolas again. You did not want to talk about your husband because the topic made you very openly emotional in your current state of exhaustion and therefore you decided to bottle everything up and trust that Legolas was going to return very soon. You did not ask about the war since it was quite obvious that Thranduil was rather tired and it was apparent that he did not want to relive the horrors of the battles by talking about them.
So you kept yourself busy and waited patiently for the prince to return home. You had not gotten any letters for a moment until one morning there was a messenger from Gondor, bringing letter for you and the king. You read the letter through with a smile on your face as you tried to imagine all those happy people in their festive clothes, attending King Aragorn’s coronation, the love and joy on Aragorn’s and Arwen’s faces when they finally got married and the general sense of relief that was present in the words written by Legolas. However in the end of the letter Legolas stated that he had promised to stay in Gondor for a little while because he had been asked to help rebuilding the badly damaged city of Minas Tirith as well as to help Aragorn while he took his first steps as the king of Gondor and established his rule.
- Give him time. Thranduil said reassuringly and you decided to wait because surely your husband, Legolas, would return home as soon as it was possible.
Then there was another letter at the doorstep of a new winter. In this letter Legolas talked mostly about his friendship with Gimli as well as about the connection he shared with the dwarf lord. It was almost as if Legolas was trying to tell you in a very subtle and kind way that the dwarf understood him better than you did due to everything they had experienced together. Yes, they had fought together, almost died side by side countless times and they had both witnessed deaths of their friends and celebrated the fall of their enemy. This made you feel somewhat jealous and then again feeling envious made you feel guilty and also pathetic; your husband had gone through hell and you reacted like a spoiled little girl! This was something that you scolded yourself for almost constantly.
Legolas wrote that he was not ready to come back home just yet because so many people had lost their homes and there were still many orcs running around, killing innocent people and therefore he had decided to travel crisscross Middle Earth with Gimli to help as much as they could and to find peace through rebuilding and seeing people getting the lives they had once lost back; a rebirth of the mankind in a way. He also mentioned that he was quite tired and during his travels he had come across a new sound… a sound that he couldn’t ignore. The sound had been seagulls crying in the distance and this had lit an intense feeling of longing in his heart. Legolas wanted to sail home and he felt that Mirkwood wasn’t a place for him anymore.
You did not know what to think about this letter but once more you decided to wait, to be the understanding wife everyone was expecting you to be, the one who believed that her husband was going to return from his travels any day now and the one who ignored all the rumors in the court. Yes, there were rumors that Legolas was going to sail beyond the sea and in fact was not going to return anymore. No one discussed about this with you but according to the little knowledge you had of Elvish, you were able to understand simple sentences as well as words here and there. The people in the court were talking about Legolas and the conversations always died when you entered the room. You never addressed the issue concerning Legolas with Thranduil, who also kept receiving letters from his son, more frequently in fact than you did.
The winter turned into a new spring and then it was summer again. A year had passed since the war had ended but Legolas still had not returned home. There had been only those two letters and now… the third one. It was a rainy afternoon when a messenger from another realm arrived to the court and interrupted your afternoon tea. You opened the letter immediately, glanced through it in the presence of the king and then excused yourself from the tea table after you felt something cold rolling out from the ripped envelope to your palm.
Legolas’ wedding ring.
Your face went completely pale as you stared the delicate gem on your palm. Thranduil called your name a couple of times, asking if everything was fine, a question that finally woke you up from your thoughts and made you react by closing your hand, hiding the gem into your fist. You mumbled “Excuse me” and stormed out from the sitting room, through the long corridors and grand hallways until you reached Legolas’ chamber, the very room where you had lived since you had moved to Mirkwood. You had squeezed the gem tightly in your fist and now that you were alone in your own privacy, you dared to open your fist and take a look at the gem again.
You felt your breath getting shallower as the state of shock took over your mind as well as your body. Legolas’ wedding ring, right there on your palm and not in the finger of your husband. You did not want to believe it, you couldn’t believe it and as a conclusion you hid the ring immediately into a drawer and locked it. Then you threw the key into the corner of the room, took a few steps backwards and when your back was met by a wall, you slid down to sit on the floor. This time however you were unable to cry, you just kept gasping for air, on the verge of passing out, telling yourself that Legolas just needed some more time. In other words you refused to believe what he had written to you in his letter. You refused to believe that this was the final goodbye.
Legolas wrote that his priorities had now changed and he was not going to return to Mirkwood. He spoke about the lingering sadness and told you that the war, even though it had ended a year ago, still haunted him during most of the nights and therefore he felt that he had nothing to give you. He also mentioned in the kindest possible way that he had come to a conclusion that you couldn’t understand what he had gone and what he was still going through because you had not experienced the same things that he had. The war had changed him and therefore he was now freeing you from the marriage. “This is my last letter to you, my love, please forgive me. Farewell.” Those were his last words to you.
After this Legolas didn’t write to you anymore. Thranduil kept receiving few letters here and there but the elf prince never revealed his exact location, making it impossible to write him back. And so the years slipped away, you still refusing to believe that your husband was not going to return and clinging onto hope that he would change his mind with time. “Time will heal all wounds” you kept telling yourself and from now on you lived your life in a haze. The seasons kept changing, every one of them following each other and you still convincing yourself and Thranduil too that Legolas this was the spring when Legolas would return. You kept living in Legolas’ chamber, keeping it nice and cozy just so it would be ready to welcome your husband home… any day now.
Then one day Thranduil received a letter that the king of Gondor, Aragorn had died and Legolas, who had established a colony for the few remaining elves of Rivendell and Lothlorien in Ithilien, had built a boat which was supposed to take him and Gimli beyond the Western Sea, to the Undying Lands. The dwarf lord Gimli was getting old and Legolas couldn’t watch him either suffer or die and therefore he had made a decision to take his dear friend across the sea to live in peace for the rest of the time, until the world ended.
- By the time you read this letter, father, I have already sailed. Thranduil spoke with a barely audible tone as he read the letter through for himself. He had read the letter many times already but was having difficulties to understand what his son was actually saying. “Farewell” he added, folded the letter and shifted his attention away from the beautifully written words. Immediately he saw you standing in the doorway of the library, your face decorated with an expression that he couldn’t decipher; it was a combination of shock and disbelief, mixed with bottled anger and disappointment.
- He is not coming back, is he? you asked with an emotionless tone as you tried to adjust yourself to the words you had just heard the elf king reading half aloud.
- No. Thranduil spoke, his words making you gasp as the reality hit you. “I am so...” he said, put the letter on the table and stood up. “…So sorry” he added with a sincere tone and stared in horror as your rage boiled over. You screamed, turned away and stormed into the long corridor before the king was able to reach you. “(Y/N)?” he shouted after you. You stopped suddenly, froze completely still and silent. You clenched your hands into fists and turned to face Thranduil who had run after you and was now standing still only two meters away from you.
- Move to Mirkwood, you said, otherwise heartbreak will kill my son! you screamed as your emotions finally flowed freely and cracked your calm exterior, shattering it into sharp pieces of glass and ice. “Give him a reason to survive the horrors of war and to return home afterwards” you shouted, mimicking the king’s voice with a mocking tone.
Thranduil swallowed as he kept staring at you but he was unable to say anything for his defense. He knew that he was the one who had pressured you to make a decision to move to Mirkwood and to abandon your life, your family as well as your friends, just so his son wouldn’t have to lose you when you grew old like you would have if you had chosen your mortal life in the modern world. Now after 120 years when it had gotten brutally clear that Legolas was not going to return at all, it was more than apparent that you blamed the king for the decision you had made.
- Well, guess what? you asked or more like stated bitterly. “He did not return!” you shouted, took a quick breath and continued “So I threw my own life away for what? Nothing!” Thranduil shook as your words hit him, almost as if he had been hit by sharp pieces of glass flying across the distance or like he had been standing in a November storm where the raindrops were flying around with the wind, half frozen. “What about my heart, huh?” you asked and then screamed “I have lost everything and it is your fault!”
Rage, pure rage. That was what you felt. You felt stupid and pathetic for waiting and hoping like a naïve little girl while you should have just accepted the cruel truth at that very moment when you had received the final letter, the one with the wedding ring enclosed. However you had deliberately closed your eyes and chosen to make a fool out of yourself and now you were embarrassed. Every rumor had been true, every whisper and silenced conversation between the maids of the court… your dreams and hopes, all shattered and robbed away from you. Deep down you were able to understand the reasons behind Legolas’ actions but this was not the moment for understanding… Oh no. This was the time to break things and therefore you ran into Legolas’ chamber, locked the door behind you and grabbed the beautiful crystal vase standing on a small table right next to the door.
This was not the moment for understanding, this was the moment of total destruction.