Thranduil / Reader (11) - Part 2
You stared at the vase for a moment, shaking from the intense anger raging inside you as you tried to recall where it was from and who had given it to you and Legolas. When you realized that it had been a wedding present from some elf-guests from Rivendell you threw the gorgeous piece of art against a wall as hard as you possibly could. The vase shattered on impact and the small pieces of crystal spread into every direction accompanied by your chilling scream and the sound of thousand glass chips hitting the stone floor. Throwing the vase did not make you feel any better, only worse actually, but you had decided to trash the chamber, to erase every memory of Legolas as well as every trace of him, hoping that it would make you forget about all those years you had wasted waiting for nothing.
Next you walked to a wooden drawer and just swiped the surface with your hand while screaming that you wished you had never met Legolas or at least chosen your own life instead of making the decision to move to Mirkwood which had then erased you and everything you had ever done from the modern world completely. You pushed candelabras, vases and other things to the floor and watched them breaking, almost like they had shattered into pieces in slow motion. You ripped apart books, threw them into the fireplace and watched them burn after managing to lit them on fire. The fire spread rather quickly and ate away the beautiful pages that were filled with handwritten text and pictures.
When you were done with the books, you focused your attention to the fragile things again. You walked to Legolas' desk, grabbed a ceramic ink bottle with such determination, almost as if it had been the very ink bottle that Legolas had used to write the last letter. You turned around and wondered for a blink of an eye where to throw it for maximal impact. "That mirror, what a wonderful target!" you groaned and aimed carefully. You took a boost, just few steps and threw the ceramic ink bottle into the large mirror located in the dressing room and stared at your distorted reflection while trying to catch your breath and attempting to keep your emotions bottled inside.
The truth was that you did not want to cry because you did not want to be sad for Legolas' decision, oh no, you wanted to be angry at him. You believed that if you allowed yourself to cry, it meant that you cared too deeply and the wounds that his actions had left in you were too severe to carry. Crying made you look weak and pathetically soft, in your own opinion. Rage was better, yes, less personal in a way and it made you feel stronger and more in-control, which was actually the opposite what you really were. However the closer to your cracking point you got, the harder you fought against it. It was a matter of pride; you would not cry. You would not give anyone the satisfaction of seeing you in pieces.
A loud, yet somewhat kind knock followed by someone trying to press the handle down in order to enter the chamber. You recognized the voice immediately; it was the king and in a split second you shifted your attention to Thranduil's voice. He was asking you to unlock the door so he wouldn't have to break it. You grabbed the first object you could reach, a candle holder made of precious stone and threw it at the door. The candle holder did not break but it made an amusingly loud bang when it hit the wooden door and left a mark on the smooth surface.
You smirked victoriously as you imagined Thranduil jumping a little as a result of such sudden attack, surely he had his ear right against the wooden door and you were absolutely certain that he had not expected you to throw something heavy against it. "Don't hurt yourself!" Thranduil shouted after recoiling from the stun and ordered you to open the door. However he was answered with more loud destruction and your equally assertive order to mind his own business. You took a painting off the wall and smashed it against a back of a chair, pulled it away, ripping a massive hole into the canvas and threw it into the fireplace to burn with the books.
When there were no candelabras, vases or other fragile things to break, you jumped on the bed and started to rip the pillows apart. Even though the elvish fabric was very soft and silky, it was also very tough and it took a generous amount of strength to actually rip the seams open. When you finally managed to do so, there was a massive cloud of feathers that spread all over in the chamber. You continued ripping the pillows apart while the king kept demanding you to open the door until his demands changed into desperate pleads. You told him to go away and leave you alone but your voice cracked mid-sentence when you broke down to cry.
You had not cried, not even once, since that one day when Thranduil had returned from the battle; you had not allowed yourself to because it would have been almost like admitting that Legolas was not coming back. What a bitter defeat it was to burst into tears and crack now in the middle of this chaos that was caused by no other but yourself. You couldn't let the Thranduil to see you like this and therefore you stumbled down from the bed when you heard Thranduil ordering his men to get a some sort of device to break the door. Oh no, it couldn't be allowed. It had to be stopped. The door couldn't be breached because then the king would see the state of abasement that you were currently in. The tears were pouring out from your eyes and your screams were muffled into helpless cries and sobs which you tried to silence with your hands.
You noticed a delicate drawer and decided to push it against the door to make sure that your fortress couldn't be penetrated. You pushed it, dragged it... oh gosh how heavy it was... or perhaps you were just exhausted and therefore even a lightest piece of furniture felt like it was the heaviest burden, especially when one had to push it across the chamber on a stone floor that was filled with slippery feathers and sharp pieces of glass that made a ear-tearing screeching sound when they got scraped against the floor.
Thranduil heard you crying helplessly and sometimes just gasping for air. He was getting increasingly worried for your well-being and therefore he decided to break the door since the spare key to his son's old chamber had gotten lost a long time ago and the only key was inside the room with you. He took few steps back and attacked the door with his weight but since the elvish craftsmanship was extremely high quality, he was neither able to make the door budge nor break the lock. Therefore the king ordered his guards to bring a hand-held battering ram to break the door. Thranduil listened to the sounds through the door; fabric being ripped apart and then something being dragged or pushed... something heavy. The sound stopped right in front of the door and therefore the king suspected immediately that you had pushed something to barricade the door.
Soon after that his guards returned, carrying a heavy wooden battering ram and after swinging it back and forth to gain momentum, it hit the door but did no significant damage to it due to the heavy drawer leaning against it from the other side. The elves tried again, harder this time and the suddenly the door budged. The drawer moved a little and the next impact made it tip over due to its very tall but slender and narrow design. When the king's guards finally managed to get the door breached, Thranduil pushed the door open and he was welcomed with a heartbreaking sight.
After pushing the drawer to block the door and setting it to lean on it you stepped backwards to stare at the entrance, shaking entirely and breathing with random, shallow gasps, every loud thump making you jump as you waited in horror the door to give in. You felt the strength leaving your body and you fell down on your knees to cry, muffling the sounds with your hand but failing to do so because the heartbreak was making your body ache physically, almost as if your heart had been ripped apart by someone and lungs squeezed into a tight ball that prevented you from breathing.
Finally you collapsed to the floor to lay on your stomach on the blanket of feathers and sharp pieces of glass. At this moment Thranduil managed to break the door and stormed into the chamber, but only after clearing the fallen drawer and taking an unnecessarily long look at the shocking sight. He was not upset about the mess you had made, the room being practically trashed completely, but the sight of you just laying nearly lifeless in the middle of it all was the thing that made him stop. He recoiled from his thoughts when one of his guards scolded and mocked you behind your back, whispering and chuckling to another guard. The king told his guards to leave immediately and when you were left alone with the tall elf he leaped across the room and fell on his knees next to you. Thranduil was just about to turn you to lay on your back when you winced and cried sharply "Don't touch me". However your voice broke and faded away before you had finished.
- Let me be. you spoke with a weak tone. "Don't touch me, just leave me alone" you demanded but your demands couldn't be taken seriously since your voice was barely audible and all you could do was to lay on your stomach due to the fact that your body had no energy to carry you anymore. Besides the king wouldn't have left even if you had been screaming right at his face. Oh no, he would have just stayed calm and perhaps wrapped his arms around you to hold you close until you would have calmed down. This he would have done even if you had tried to push him away, kicking and screaming. However you were laying on the floor, completely exhausted and drained.
Thranduil brushed your hair slowly from your head to your shoulders and along your spine down to your mid-back. He was able to sense that you were mentally as well as physically done, on a verge of passing out entirely. You told him a couple of times not to touch you but Thranduil ignored your objections and continued stroking your long locks in a calming way. He spoke to you softly, just telling you that everything was alright and he was not going anywhere.
- What did I do wrong? you spoke almost inaudibly, your fingers tracing the cold stone floor and encountering sharp pieces of glass and porcelain. You gasped for air and whimpered "Wasn't I a good wif-"
- Shh, you have done nothing wrong, (Y/N). Thranduil replied and continued brushing your hair, removing feathers from your locks and the back of your dress. "You have been the most patient, loving wife, but..." he spoke and paused to find the right words as well as to rearrange this thoughts into sentences that wouldn't sound cruel in your tired ears. This was important because the last thing he wanted was to upset you even further. "...But war and loss of one's friends affect us all in different ways and..." he said, sighed and continued calmly "...Sometimes one does not find his way back home after witnessing such horrible events." The king noticed that his touch had a calming effect on you so he dared to move to caress your cheek very softly. "Just remember, Lady (Y/N)..." he said and hesitated a little as he wondered whether he should speak out or not. He took a deep breath and continued nervously "...You are loved. Never forget that."
- Why do you care? you whimpered bitterly. "You hate me" you stated and gasped for air sharply, the action made your form shake almost violently as you lay on the cold, hard floor, on the blanket of feathers and shattered glass.
- Do you really believe so? Thranduil asked with a confused tone that carried an undertone of sorrow in it, perhaps even hints of disappointment.
- I am just a lowly peasant. you stated with a barely audible tone. "You tolerated me because you had to" you mumbled, sniffled once and continued "What happens now when the marriage between me and your son is over?" Thranduil did not know what to say so he stayed quiet. You felt the tears rolling silently down to your cheeks as you waited for the king to say something. Perhaps the silence meant that he agreed with you. You sniffled once more and began nervously "It's okay. You ca-can tell me to-to leave, there is no..." you stammered and swallowed before continuing "...No ob-obligation-"
- What are you talking about? the king asked, sounding surprised, puzzled and apologetic. "I don't hate you. I never did" he continued and scolded himself for giving such a wrong impression of himself and his feelings to you. "The truth is that I was... jealous" he admitted after a rather long pause. "I am not proud of it but... I was" he spoke softly, somewhat cautiously. You couldn't believe your ears; the mighty elf king who had everything one could have ever wanted was jealous of... what... you? Thranduil placed his hand on your shoulder and massaged it with his fingertips, using circular motions that made you feel more relaxed and tired. He explained with a soft, deep and very kind voice "What Legolas felt for you, the intensity of how he fell in love with you-"
- Somehow I doubt the intensity of his feelings. you commented bitterly and interrupted the king.
- ...I have never experienced anything like it. Thranduil admitted, his voice filled with bottled sadness.
- Oh please. you blurted. "Legolas' mother was the great love of your life" you added bitterly. This bitterness surprised you because you immediately got confused and asked yourself why were you bitter about it. Were you jealous of the fact that Thranduil had already experienced the love of his lifetime, which meant that he wouldn't fall in love with anyone anymore? Why did you care? It didn't concern you! Perhaps you were upset about the way Thranduil imagined that the love affair between you and Legolas had been so magical and wonderful, which it had been for a very short while, but it had also caused you so much pain and therefore it was impossible to accept that someone was actually jealous of it.
- I loved her, yes... the king admitted, paused and continued "...After growing to love her." Then he stopped talking once more and after a brief silence added hesitantly "Like I have grown to love you."
- Me? you scoffed with a tone that was filled with self-mockery. The king smiled a little and sighed "Yes, you."
- The marriage between me and Legolas' mother was an arranged one. he spoke calmly, took a deep breath and continued. "I have never told this to anyone, my Lady..." he said, sighed and after hesitating slightly added "...But sadly I never fell in love with her."
You processed the king's words silently, trying to understand the difference between growing to love someone and falling in love with someone. Thranduil sensed that you were mentally somewhere else or perhaps you just dissected his every word with great care to find out whether he was being sincere or just telling you what he assumed you wanted to hear. "Not in a same way Legolas fell in love with you" he said eventually, his tone both cautious and nervous. It was a huge thing for the king to admit this and he was afraid that you would just laugh at him and mock him, break his confidence and stab his heart that was already bleeding from the loss his son, kind of. This, Legolas sailing to Valinor, the faraway land locating beyond the Western Sea, meant after all that the king was not going to see his son ever again, or in a very long time, so in a way he had lost his son... just like you had lost your husband. However the king's confession did not bring out any reaction in you, you were just too exhausted to talk... or to move... and you knew that laughing at Thranduil would have been too cruel anyway.
- I was envious... Thranduil admitted. "...And most unfair towards you" he said, sensing your aura slipping further and further away from him which meant that you were going to lose consciousness very soon and therefore you were barely awake anymore. "I have always dreamed of experiencing the kind of love what you and my son shared" he spoke calmly, his tone deep and soft, luring you to fall asleep. "My son is truly blessed" he stated sincerely and this statement made you gasp.
- But now it's time to let him go. the king stated assertively, with kindness in his voice. "Allow me to comfort you. Let me to heal your heart" he spoke, his words echoing in your mind even though you had already drifted away.
After this Thranduil turned you around, lifted you up and carried you into his private chamber. He called the healers to heal the small scratches that you had gotten from the sharp pieces of glass and when they were all done, the king tucked you in with his large, majestic cloak. It was a great compromise in the king's opinion, considering that tucking you in his bed with the blankets would have been somewhat inappropriate and could have caused unnecessary rumors to spread. However tucking you in on his bed with his cloak without actually "opening" the bed was borderline-alright. However Thranduil did not leave you alone, not even for a moment. He carried an armchair into the bed chamber and positioned it beside the bed.
You slept quite restlessly, rolled a lot and spoke in your sleep. You even cried a little which made the elf feel quite helpless; what could he do? He knew you needed to rest and therefore he did not want to wake you up but seeing you so distressed was making the elf anxious. He summoned a maid to sit in the armchair and when she did, the king walked to the other side of the bed. "As you are my witness, nothing inappropriate will happen in this bed" he spoke, sat on the edge and after removing his leather boots he lay down next to you. The king rolled on his side to face you, placed his arm on your cloak-covered torso and pulled you closer so he was able to hold you properly. He spoke to you in elvish, softly and kindly while studying the delicate features of your beautiful, but troubled face and his calming aura kept the nightmares away for the rest of the night.
You slept quite late and when you woke up, you realized almost instantly that you had no idea where you were; you had never been in a such majestic room, a chamber decorated with gorgeous engravings on wooden panels and luxurious fabrics, and the bed... this bed was even nicer as well as bigger than the bed in Legolas' room. You felt a slight panic taking over your mind because the sunlight hurt your eyes, making it impossible to study your surroundings clearly and on top of that you were having a terrible headache. As a result you sat up in order to jump out from the bed, but suddenly the room got dark accompanied by a distinctive swooshing sound of long curtains being pulled and then you felt a pair of strong arms preventing you from leaving the bed.
- Take it easy. Thranduil said, wrapped his arms around you and held you close, guiding you to rest your head against his chest, until you calmed down.
- You exhausted yourself completely yesterday. the king stated and made a comment about trashing Legolas' chamber, however he sounded amused and not angry at all, which was a relief and also very unexpected.
- I suppose you're expecting me to clean the room so it will be like nothing had ever happened. you mumbled, still leaning onto Thranduil's strong chest while his arms were tightly wrapped around you.
- No. he replied.
- You'll tell your maids to clean it? you asked with a barely audible tone.
- No. he said and shook his head. You felt him doing it because his chin was resting on your head.
- So you're just going to let it be? you asked, not really believing your ears. The thing was that you did not want anyone to clean the room because it would have been like everything that had happened would have been swept under the carpet and forgotten. You were not ready to move on and forget just yet.
- Yes. We'll clean it together when you're ready. Thranduil said, pressed a soft kiss on your forehead and smiled as he brushed your hair.
After this you tried to carry on with your life; there were better days and then there were worse days but slowly you started to come to terms with the fact that Legolas had left Middle Earth and in fact he had left you a long time ago but you had not just accepted it. You took long walks in the surrounding forest as the snowflakes floated down peacefully from the gray clouds and every once in a while you dined with Thranduil who clearly enjoyed your company but maintained his distance like it was appropriate and expected since you were still wearing your wedding ring. It was a constant reminder of the brief yet intensely happy marriage and therefore you were not quite ready to let go of the good memories just yet. The difference was that you no longer waited for Legolas to return so this allowed your heart to start healing even though you knew that it would be a long process... but... since you had chosen this immortal life, time was something that you would never run out of, in good and in bad.
After eight months, at the doorstep of a new summer, you went into Legolas' chamber, the very room that you had trashed and stood at the doorway for an hour, trying to decide whether you should go in or not. It was still in the same terrible condition and seeing the mess brought some painful memories back instantly. However you wanted to move on and therefore you squeezed the broom tighter and walked into the abandoned chamber. You started to swipe the floor, collected the sharp pieces of glass mixed with fluffy feathers and after a moment you felt that someone was watching you.
You turned to look and saw Thranduil standing in the doorway and following your actions keenly with his attentive eyes. Without saying a word he entered the room and started to clean it with you in silence. You had a feeling that it was not easy for him either to let go of his only child and therefore perhaps he needed this, a closure, just as much you needed it. You sobbed silently as you packed away some things that reminded you about Legolas and when the room was clean and those few items that you had not trashed had been packed into a wooden chest, you took your wedding ring off and placed it into a small box.
You walked to the drawer and took Legolas' ring out. This was the first time you were looking at it since receiving it and putting it away because you had wanted to forget about it and convince yourself that Legolas still had it, or at least he would once more wear it when he returned home to you. However that had never happened and now you had finally accepted that it would never happen. You noticed that Thranduil recognized the delicate gem instantly and it was obvious that he was surprised to see it; he had expected that Legolas had had it all this time and this, seeing it here, raised many questions. However he decided not to ask them - it wasn't really his business anyway. You brought the ring to your lips with shaky fingers, kissed the smooth, yet cold silver surface very softly and placed the gem into the same small box where your ring was and finally closed the lid. You took a deep breath, sighed and then put the box into the chest, which you locked with a large, quite heavy but beautiful key. You gave the key to Thranduil and told him that you did not want it because you knew that if you stored it, you would find yourself eventually going through all those belongings and wallowing in the past.
Thranduil took the key and put it into the pocket of his tunic. Suddenly he took a big step towards you, wrapped his arms around you and pulled you close. You felt his calm exterior cracking and the tall elf started to shake a little as he cried silently. You wrapped your arms around the king as a gesture of companionship and comforted him like this until he cupped your face with his large hands, pressed a soft kiss on your forehead and finally stepped away from you. After this you stood side by side in the middle of the room, just waiting for something to happen; you both had assumed that the weight of losing Legolas would suddenly melt off your shoulders but... it didn't.
- What shall we do with this room? Thranduil asked after a long, somewhat depressing silence.
- I don't know. you replied. "I really do not want to see it again" you continued and paused to inhale deeply. "Too many memories and most of them aren't very pleasant" you explained and turned away.
- I will order the carpenter to seal off this chamber and to build a shelf to block the doorway. the king stated and nodded. Yes, it was for the best. There was no need for this room to exist anymore.
- Thank you. you whispered and mustered a weak smile on your tired face.