Thranduil / Reader (10)
There you are again, standing by the gate with that calm yet assertive look on your face while you guard the forest that sleeps in front of you. Your eyes scan the darkness so cautiously that no intruder could escape your gaze, not even if they tried. Everyone is safe tonight since you are on duty... with me. You never get distracted and you're always in control as well as on alert because that is what you need to be. You after all are my right hand and my closest friend, the one whom I trust, the one who stands by me even in the fiercest battle. You are the one who would give your life to save mine and I would do the same for you. I would do it despite the fact that I have been forbidden to risk my own life for anyone else. I am not supposed to do so because the future of this realm is my responsibility, one day, but I would still do it; I would save you even if it meant the end for me.
I call your name, my voice trembling from nervousness but I try to hide it from you since it wouldn't be appropriate for the captain of the guard to show his affections when on duty, especially when the lady is there to serve both him... me, the crown prince of Mirkwood, and the realm. You turn and smile when you see me, oh that smile, it makes me feel defenseless and slightly dizzy, but I do not mind. Just keep smiling, my lady, I do not mind at all... as long as your smile is sincere and dedicated to me.
- Prince Thranduil. you say, add "My Lord" with a somewhat formal tone and bow your head as a greeting like you always do, so graceful and attentive. Then you shift your focus away from me and back to the forest, which makes me feel envious although I know it shouldn't. I just cannot help it. It is silly, I am aware of it. It is plain ridiculous actually. "How can anyone be jealous of a forest?" I ask myself silently, but I know the answer; I can because I want to have your undivided attention. I want to share it with no one although I know that it is not possible.
- Lady (Y/N). I say and join you at the guard post. I walk next to you, keeping a polite distance and lean casually to the railing. "Busy night?" I ask and fill my lungs with the cool night air as I let my eyes wander up to the sky where the stars are twinkling and the silver moon lurks behind the clouds that sail across the black canvas. What a beautiful night it is, not as beautiful as you though. The truth is that nothing could ever be more beautiful than you are. I stand firmly behind this statement even during the times when you're covered with mud and orc blood, that is how much I admire you.
- Not quite, my Lord. you reply with a chuckle. You have such wonderful laughter; it pours out from your mouth like bubbles in fine sparkling wine and the sound makes me feel lightheaded as the troubles seem to fade away from my mind. "No orc sightings" you add firmly and finally allow yourself to admire the stars as well.
There was a time when you did not let yourself laugh in my presence at all but now you make exceptions every now and then, for which I am grateful. The truth is that despite all this nonsense concerning my status and future responsibilities as the heir of the crown, the thing my heart desires the most is to make you laugh. That's it. It is such a shame that I do not have the courage to tell you about this desire of mine, not even when lately there have been so many opportunities to do so due to the fact that I am spending time alone with you almost every day. What a coward I am.
- Excellent. I comment almost inaudibly and move slightly closer, just a little bit though because I do not know if you share my feelings. You are always so formal when I am around, most likely because I am the prince and the future king of this realm but you are a noble elf as well, a respected warrior and well known for your bravery as well as your toughness in both Mirkwood and in Lothlorien, your home realm. There should be no need for such formalities between you and me but still you hold on to them. I have asked you to call me Thranduil when we are alone but you always add "my Lord" or "Prince" which creates a mental distance between you and me.
Sometimes I imagine that we are getting closer and it is enough to fill my mind with hope and make my heart burst from happiness. It happens when when our eyes linger, drowning into each other and a smile appears on your face. It happens when our hands touch by an accident and the feeling makes my skin tingle and all I really want to do is to take your hand and pull you into a tight embrace. My heart fills with joy whenever I have a reason or even an excuse to be close to you; training, dancing or even sitting next to you on a tree when we're guarding the outer border of our realm.
Yes, our realm. That is what I wish it to become someday soon. I want you to rule beside me, I want to have a family with you and I want to grow old and wise with you. I want to watch the world change but only if you stand by my side because without you, my love, there is nothing in this world for me. Without you I do not care about the events of Middle Earth, not beyond the borders of Mirkwood at least because without you I am alone and my existence will fill with sorrow and doubt.
Lately I have started to feel that you share my affections although you do not dare to show it. But I know you do, I can sense it and I can feel it. I know that you stare at me when you think that I am not focused on you, I know you smile and even blush when you think about me. You assume that I do not see it but I do. I have caught you many times staring at my lips when we have been in a middle of a conversation and I have witnessed your eyes undressing me from my tunic during a boring dinner. Worry not about this, my Lady, because I have secretly watched you bathing although I was supposed to keep guard. I beg for your forgiveness, my love, but I could not stop myself because you were just too beautiful to ignore and to turn my head away. I remember it so vividly; your skin glowing in the moonlight while you stood waist-deep in the calm pond, surrounded by wild flowers and calm silence. This night reminds me of that night, the calmness of the world and the soft glow surrounding you.
You lean to the railing and let out a deep sigh which makes me slightly anxious; is there something troubling you? If so, why don't you tell me what it is? Am I not your close friend? Don't you trust me? I wonder if you know that I have fallen in love with you during these thousand years you have lived here in Mirkwood and guarded the borders by my side. This "not knowing" is driving me insane and therefore every day I am growing more desperate. I will surely burst soon if I will not find words to tell you how I feel, yet I find it impossible to find courage to reach out, take your hand and make that confession.
I take secret glances at the serene profile of your face while we both gaze at the stars and share a casual conversation. I appear calm, of course, but beneath this peaceful surface I am suffering and therefore I am trying to gather enough courage to ask you to court me. I already asked my father, King Oropher, permission to do so. He was reluctant to give it to me because he had someone else in mind for me to marry but after a long discussion he approved my decision. The only thing I must now do is to ask you... but that seems to be the hardest thing. It is challenging because I have no idea whether you feel the same way or not. Perhaps I have read you wrong, maybe I have taken your politeness as a sign of deeper affection and gotten bitterly mistaken. Perhaps I have imagined everything else as well. It would be such a cruel fate, my love, to be rejected by the one my heart loves so intensely. So cruel in fact that I would take my father's offer and marry someone else, just to distract me from the pain.
- I... I begin and swallow once as I feel my courage crumbling down when you shift your eyes from the stars to me but it doesn't help, in fact it makes this even harder. This is my chance, your full attention is mine but it feels like my voice will fail me at any given moment and the words I want so badly to say will come out distorted and blurry. I do not even know if I can voice my thoughts properly, to make you understand how much I love you.
- Yes, my Lord? you ask and it is apparent that you are expecting me to continue. However I cannot. My hands are shaking and my heart is beating so fast that it makes me fear that I will soon pass out. You can see that I am nervous, you can hear my heartbeat. It is obvious because the calm expression has now left your face and it has been replaced with deep concern. "Silly prince" I scold myself silently and try again.
- I would give you the light of the stars. I speak softly and battle whether I should turn to look at you or not. I hope that when I do, I will find you smiling and you'll welcome me to love you with open arms because you love me too... But... yes, but... But when I finally shift my eyes from the forest to you, I find you staring at me with puzzled expression.
- What did you say? you sigh and forget the formalities, just this once. In a blink of an eye it gets so painfully clear that you have not suspected anything and therefore my confession comes as a total surprise. Perhaps you don't even fully understand what I meant.
- My father has given me a permission to court you. I speak after clearing my throat. I smile shyly and reach out to take your hand with my mind filled with hope, but suddenly sorrow takes over your face and you turn your head away. I reach out for you, almost manage to take your hand but you are too swift to react and I miss my chance to make you stay.
"I can't-" I hear you whimper but then your words get muffled in my mind because this rejection hits me harder than anything I have experienced before. It makes it impossible to breathe or think clearly, fills my entire existence with confusion and make me question every smile and long look that we have shared during these years. I stare at you as you walk away. You cover your mouth with your hand and clench your other hand into a tight fist, probably because you do not want to break down in front of your superior. I am the prince after all and the captain of the guard, but with you I am just a man, vulnerable and defenseless, almost like a mortal being.
This is not how I expected you to react and now I am left here alone. I have ruined my friendship with you, just because I read all the signs wrong, I shouldn't have said anything. Silly prince. I play our friendship over and over in my mind and I cannot still believe it. I do not want to accept it but during the days that follow it becomes very clear to me that I am alone with my feelings. You do not love me, no, and you do not even want to talk about it. You start avoiding situations where you might be left alone with me and you do not even give me a chance to explain.
So I walk to my father, King Oropher, and ask him to arrange the marriage with the lady he thinks would be suitable for me. He is very pleased and fortunately doesn't ask any questions concerning my decision. He does not need to know. Tonight I will drown my sorrows with Elvish wine and tomorrow I shall begin my life again, but this time my life will not include you, my love. I will treat you with the same formality than you treat me and I will pretend, just like you, that my confession never happened. It breaks my heart but this is what I must do, although I will never stop loving you. Even when I marry someone else.
Darkness fills the world slowly. First the shadows just crept from Mordor, silently and almost imperceptibly, but now the evil is just pouring like a flood and spreading everywhere, even here. There will be war because Lord Sauron's actions cannot be tolerated so we elves unite our forces with the mortal men and fight for Middle Earth side by side. The Last Alliance shall it be called and if this should be the last fight of my life, I will die proudly by your side and still protect you with my life if such action is required to save you.
We fight. So much death and hate, so much suffering. The mortal men, weak and feeble but still they stand against the Dark Lord, but their resistance is easily broken nevertheless. Then, a scream on the battlefield; King Oropher, my father, has been badly wounded and before I have a chance to run to him, he has already died. “How could this happen?” I ask myself as I kneel beside my dead father. You are there as well, fighting to keep the enemy away so I can have a moment of peace to say goodbye before joining the battle and continuing to fight side by side with you.
The death of my father, stepping on the throne of Mirkwood and getting married to a lady whom I do not love. I believe I can learn to care for her, my feelings for her are warm anyway, but it will take time to become the man that she deserves. She has done nothing to deserve a loveless marriage. Yes, the marriage, getting married, it changes everything. It changes my life, it changes the dynamics between you and me and I don’t know if I can stand it. Sometimes I even find myself hoping that you would just leave the court because it is too difficult to see you every day knowing that my heart belongs to you and you do not want it. So I live my life, try to be as great king as my father was, a good husband and a decent friend to you.
There is peace in Mirkwood, in the whole Middle Earth and as time passes by the healing starts. I mourn for my father and try to adjust myself to my new duties but the truth is that I miss the times when I was free to run in the forest with you. I miss our conversations and even the silent moments that we shared during long nights of stargazing and guarding the borders. I think about those times almost constantly but then I wake up and remember that my life is different now. There is peace, my wife is pregnant and I should be happy... and I am... but I find myself wondering what it could have been like if I had had this life with you. However you did not want it, not with me at least and the thought of you sharing everything with someone else makes me bitter... but I try to hide it. I must, it is my duty towards my realm and my wife, besides, I will be a father soon.
The birth of my son Legolas, the light of my life, and finally the death of my wife, whom I have grown to care very deeply for. My heart is dead even though it is still beating. Why won't it just stop? My mind fills with shadows but I remain, constant and unchanged. A magnificent king, high up on his throne, dressed in fancy robes and precious gems, yet no one sees beneath the surface. No one sees that I am turning into an empty shell, a ghost unable to feel anything but regret and sorrow. I have already lost my interest in the surrounding world and the events of Middle Earth do not move me at all. What I want is to maintain this realm of Mirkwood as it is so my son can continue my legacy someday.
You are still here, my trusted friend and the teacher of my son. You get along with him very well and for that I am thankful because my own mind is filled with grief and therefore I fear that I am not a good father to him. Legolas looks up to you and wants to be like you; kind and clever, strong and tough yet graceful and wise. I trust you to care for him when I cannot, to be his shoulder to cry on when my shoulders are burdened with the duties of my realm, burdened with the lingering grief. I trust you to be there for him if I should fade away from all this loss. I have lost so much already; you, my father and my wife and sometimes I wonder, as I lay in my bed awake in the middle of the night and stare into the darkness, how much more do I have to lose during my eternal lifetime.
At least Legolas is an adult now. He has grown up to be an honorable man, destined to great deeds for sure. He is lighthearted, innocent and sincere but sometimes I worry if he truly knows that his mother loved him. I have never told him and I have tried to erase my wife from our lives because the memory is too painful to have near, it causes too much suffering to be constantly reminded about it. No, I cannot tolerate it. Therefore we shall not talk about her, just like we shall not talk about that night... the night when you rejected me.
Then arrives the day that I have dreaded for many years now; you tell me that you will leave Mirkwood and travel back to Lothlorien. I can see it in you... you cannot stay near me because every day I grow more and more bitter and my bad mood has poisoned the entire realm. I however do not care if you leave because you already left me many years ago and if I could hate you for it, I would, but deep down in my heart I still love you. And now you are leaving.
You abandon me like the lively green abandons the forest that surrounds my palace. There was a time, you remember it too, when Mirkwood was called Greenwood but those days are long gone now, forgotten history. It makes me deeply sad to see everything beautiful dying around me and then rotting away until there is nothing but maggots and the unnerving scent of mold and death in the air. I watch you riding away but I do not wave, I can't because then you would see that my hand is trembling and it requires all my will power to hide this grief that is eating me alive. But I go on, survive, like I have all these years. It is such a shame, though, that my son Legolas is getting affected about everything; his heart is filled with shadow and doubt and I fear that a day will come when he will leave me too.
And that day is here. A great battle among the orcs, the elves, the dwarfs and men of Laketown. I have taken my people to war to gain possession of gemstones that should have been a gift for my late wife but by the end of the battle I realize that I have sacrificed too many lives for something that is not even alive. I have been proud and stubborn and now my son is leaving me. He is not going to return to Mirkwood so I give him an assignment and perhaps by pointing him to the direction of greatness I may give his life purpose far greater than mine has had. I am the king of Mirkwood but my son... he could be something more. He will travel to north and hopefully meet a man who is destined to become a king of Gondor and perhaps then the evil will be conquered and banished from Middle Earth for good this time.
Yes, evil is rising from Mordor again and the forest of Mirkwood is dying. I have written many letters to you, my love, but I have sent none. It is getting clear that you have forgotten me, yet still I hold onto my memories... as well as my dreams where everything is well and we are together. I wonder when I stare at the stars during a cold winter night, that is when the stars are the brightest, if you are staring at them too. If you are, do you think about me? Do you hope that you had made different choices? Have you imagined our lives together? I have, countless times, especially after the great battle at the base of Mount Erebor... now that Legolas has left Mirkwood.
Then he returns but just for a moment. I must send him to Rivendell to a council to find out what is happening in Middle Earth. I have heard terrible rumors about evil raising from Mordor once more and it is easy to see that the rumors are true; there are more and more orcs trying to trespass my realm and therefore I have a feeling that we are going to face a great war soon. Perhaps then I will see you again, maybe I will fight by your side once more and then everything will be different. However there is a part of me that has abandoned all hope already. You chose a different life, you could have had me but you rejected me so perhaps I will reject you too. Yes, that is an amusing thought with which I have played in my mind many times during the dark hours of the lonely nights, but now that I have started to let go of my bitterness, it doesn't seem like a good idea anymore. I do not want to harm you, even though you broke my heart, I shall not stop loving you from afar. However now that the world is plunging into the darkness and the war is only moments away, pending in the horizon, I have no time to think about you. It is bitter sweet distraction... so much hate and sorrow, death and torment.
New spring and peace once more. I am expecting Legolas to come home soon now that Aragorn has stepped on the throne of Gondor and the festivities are over. One morning I wake up and when I walk into the throne hall of my palace, I see my son but I also see... you. My heart stops for a moment but I hide my feelings from everyone. You join us for a festive dinner and talk constantly about Legolas' great deeds. The heroic feats that you witnessed during many battles and suddenly I am envious of my own son. Did you end up falling love with him? He is an honorable man, I know, and you are an honorable woman and if you wish to be united, I shall not oppose it. It is so good to see you, though. Oh, how I have missed you, my Lady... my love.
- Lady (Y/N) seems to think very highly of you, Legolas. I say and sip wine from my glass.
- We fought together. She is a fine warrior. Legolas answers and smiles.
- She is a fine woman as well. I state proudly and then add "You are a very lucky man." I try to hide that I am painfully jealous but my son knows me too well and responds with a smirk.
- Father. he says and sighs. "I know you love her" he states and then continues "You have always loved her." I swallow once and stare at my son with wide eyes. How can he know? Is that so apparent? Has it been so apparent this entire time?
- You have mourned enough. Legolas says and nods as a sign of approval.
- But-but... I stutter because deep confusion is taking over my mind. "Lady (Y/N) has been talking about you the entire night!" I exclaim and groan when I realize that my wineglass is empty.
- Yes, like a teacher who wants the father to be proud of his son. my son says with an amused smile. However his expression soon changes from joyful to worried and I must ask what he is worried about.
- Lady (Y/N). Legolas says and sighs. "I haven't seen her smiling in ages and it worries me" he explains with a concerned tone.
- But she smiled the whole evening! I state and try to recall how you used to smile when we both were young. How you laughed... how your face just lighted up like thousand suns and brightened up my mood as well.
- Yes, that fake... polite smile that she uses to hide her feelings. Legolas says and tells me to go find you. So I get up, thank my son and without thinking about it any further, rush to look for you.
I walk swiftly through the halls and corridors, through the garden and finally find myself at the guard post. I see you standing by the gate and leaning to the railing, wearing a festive gown and flowers in your hair. I stand still and stare at you silently for a moment and suddenly I realize that you are crying. Perhaps death and darkness have left their mark on you as well and you are no longer that same openhearted woman I used to know. But I still love you, no matter what.
Suddenly you notice that you are being watched. I know it because you instantly wipe your cheeks and take a deep breath. However for some reason you do not turn around. I walk a bit closer, keeping my eyes fixed on you at all times and battling against the urge to reach out for you and place my hand on your shoulder because you are shivering. I want to embrace you and to envelope you with gentle warmth, to tell you that everything is alright now but I do not dare to do so. I still do not know if you love me... if you ever loved me.
- The reason why I rejected you that night... you say and stop. I wait patiently yet I can feel nervousness creeping up my spine and taking control of my mind. "...I would have given you everything..." you continue and burst into tears. These emotions are too hard for you to contain anymore so you break in front of me, yet still I do not dare to come closer and comfort you. "...But there is something I couldn't give you" you say and exhale deeply. I wait silently and when the silence becomes too much for you to take, you add hesitantly "I couldn't give you a child and... I still can't."
You explain that before moving to Mirkwood you had been in a battle and gotten badly injured, almost died in fact and when you had finally woken up, the healers had told you that the orc's foul blade had ripped your insides of your lower stomach apart and robbed your chance to ever get pregnant. You keep talking about my duties as the king and how I deserved an heir and therefore you had known that if you accepted my proposal of courtship, you would have robbed my chance to have children as well. This immediately makes me think about Legolas and the thought of not having him makes my heart ache.
- Please, look at me. I say because you keep insisting on staring at the dark forest instead of me. You however do not turn so I repeat my request to which you respond with a frustrated groan.
- Why? you ask and turn. "So you may see me like this?" you ask and reveal your tear-stained face.
- Yes! I exclaim and walk swiftly to you. I cup your face with my hand and brush your cheek with my thumb, you are shivering and your eyes are filled with sorrow. It is clear that you have lost many of your friends during the war. In fact I immediately recall Legolas telling me that he had returned to Lothlorien with you and found the realm half empty which had shaken you quite a bit. Therefore Legolas had told you to ride to Mirkwood with him and for my luck, you had accepted his invitation. Imagining you wandering alone in the forest of Lothlorien, pained with your grief and sorrow, it breaks my heart and therefore I am relieved to have you here... here where I can care for you and keep you warm... to breathe a spark of life into you so you will not fade away, my love.
- I still can't give you... you say softly and stop speaking when I shake my head slowly.
- All I need is you, my Lady. I say and smile as I drown into your gorgeous eyes. I trace your lips gently and brush a runaway lock of your hair behind your ear and then... I close my eyes and lean closer. I feel your lips brushing mine and I cannot wait any longer. I have waited almost four thousand years, my love. I have loved you from afar and finally you are mine. I cannot give you the light of the stars like I foolishly promised when I was a young prince, but I can give you my heart, the heart of an old, wise king. Will you accept it now?