Tom Hiddleston / Reader (5)
Autumn leafs and sun gone down
You got a phone call. A phone call you had been waiting for a month already. A man called you to tell you, that your never ending running in different auditions had been paid off and you finally you got the part that you had been fighting for. It was amazing to hear the magical words; You are exactly what we are looking for!
You cannot breathe. Everything feels unreal and your world is spinning around you. You think to yourself that finally you can show the world… all the people who bullied you at school and all the “friends” who never actually understood you. You will show them that they did not have the power to put you down after all.
There is so much to do! Things to take care of and deal with before you can actually step on that plane and fly to London. The next days feel never ending and gone by in a flash all together. It is very confusing and kind of sad; you would like to savior every moment of that thrilling anticipation.
Finally on the plane! You cannot wait to get in London and finally see who are the people you are going to work with next couple of weeks. Although your part is only a supporting one, it is your “foot in the door way” and you have decided to make the most of it.
When you step out of the plane, you are expecting to see someone with a piece of paper with your name on it. However there is no one. Only people with strange faces and names, hugging and looking so happy to see each other again. You feel a bit sad. Lonely. You sigh deeply and walk to get your luggage.
You get a taxi. You think to yourself that you cannot really afford too many of these taxi rides. Your budget is pretty tight because you have just graduated from acting school last spring and worked the summer in a low-paid-job. Now it’s October and the weather is gray and gloomy. But you are in London!
It is raining a bit and the day turns into night. The city lights reflect on every street, but somehow the wet asphalt seems to swallow all the light. Every alley looks the same and you feel lost and tired. Suddenly the taxi driver stops and you have reached your destination. You pay him and he gets your luggage from the trunk. You’re on your own now.
You ring the door bell and you can see the lights turn on in the hall way. A middle aged woman opens the door. Yes? she asks. You tell her who you are and that you have made a reservation for a room. She lets you in and after filling in some documents she shows you the room where you’re going to spend the next weeks.
The room is small. “Well… it was the cheapest I could get”, you think. There is a window with the view of the next buildings wall. How charming. You feel tired and every time you feel tired, you feel over emotional. You feel tears building in your eyes and you’re finding it difficult to stop the overwhelming wave of emotions. “I really should get some sleep!” you think and after taking a short shower you get into the strange bed in a place where you’ve never been before.
You never sleep well in new places. All the new sounds and even the fact that the pillow you are sleeping with is strange make it impossible for you to sleep. The morning comes soon and you feel like a wreck. Your eyes are red and you’re trying your best to rinse them with cold water. You stare at your own reflection. The person in the mirror is not the person who you hoped to see. The person looks as crappy as she feels.
The sound of honking cars wakes you up from the moment. You realize how late it is and start getting ready in a hurry. You miss the breakfast and run to the bus stop.
In time! Against all the odds, you are… IN TIME!
You have agreed to meet everyone at some hall. Theater of some kind. You step in. The empty corridors echo your foot steps as you go. Finally you find other people and ask if this is the first meeting of “Autumn leafs and sun gone down”. You go with the people in a hall. You sit next to them but feel a bit isolated. Lonely. You find out that they know each other already. They’re all students from the Art School of London. Apparently they had a party last night. What did you do last night? Tried to sleep, but couldn’t. You sigh.
- Is this seat free? Someone asks. You are so deep in your thoughts that you don’t hear anything. That someone touches your shoulder and asks again.
- Excuse me, may I sit here?
You are startled and react by jumping a bit. You look to your up right and for your surprise you see a familiar face. It’s Tom Hiddleston. You manage to nod and he sits down.
- I’m so sorry for... that… jump… thing.
You stare at him surprised and manage push few words out from your lips.
- It’s ok. you say.
- Hi, I’m Tom.
You feel your cheeks turning red and you turn your head down, as if you were trying to look for something. The thing is that you have had a crush on Tom since the first Thor –movie and that crush has been just growing and getting stronger by every interview and clip that you have seen. Now he is sitting literally next to you, trying to make a conversation. You had been dreaming about this moment for so long! You had fantasized about sweeping his feet off with your wits and intellectual brain-qualities, which now are completely gone. You are lost for words and you are fighting the blushing and the fangirly-smile that is trying to get on the surface of your “wannabe-cool” face.
- What is your name? He asks.
You manage to get your shit together and answer him. You look at his smiling face and smile at him as well. You know that the smile would not win any beauty awards since it was more like awkward “I am not a fangirl, nice to meet you.. oh kill me now” –kind of smile.
- What a beautiful name. Where are you from? You’re not from here, are you?
You finally have found your calmness and you’re ready to have a conversation including real words and actual eye contact.
- No, I am from…
The door slams shut and stops you from finishing your sentence.
- Hello everybody and welcome to our first gathering. The movie is called “Autumn leafs and sun gone down”. It is a short film. Sad… deep… All you are fresh from school, all but one. Tom, can you please stand up.
- Can you hold these for a while, please? Tom says and hands you his pen and notebook as he stands up.
- Sure. you say and smile.
The finalized scripts are being handed to everybody. You glance it through fast and listen intensely to the man standing on the stage and talking about the project. He introduces himself as the director of the movie.
Lunch time. You can notice that your fellow woman colleagues are trying to make an impression on Tom. They are asking for signatures and selfie-photos. Some of them are bold enough to ask his number and to ask him out. You can see that Tom feels a bit uncomfortable although as a gentleman he manages the situation pretty well, not that you are interested… or, that’s what you’re trying to tell yourself. You don’t want to be like that, you want to be professional.
You all go to a cafeteria to have lunch. You sit down alone. You sigh silently. So typical. Is it the red eyes or what are you constantly doing wrong since you seem to be pushing people away. That is your problem. You never know the right things to do or say. You might dazzle everybody in a small group but around a crowd of people, you just freeze and seek comfort from the corners of the room. It is funny, how you can feel so totally isolated and lonely in a room full of people.
---
He looks at you, eating alone, playing with the food on your plate. Maybe you’re trying to form words with your peas, he doesn’t know but he finds it intriguing. There is something about you that fascinates him. He is puzzled with the way you are. He senses that you swim in the deep waters and making friends is not easy for you. You’re not like the other women here who probably spend their weekends partying and drinking. You seem like a person who enjoys long talks and meaningful topics. He doesn’t know, of course, but that is the first impression that he has on you. Your gazes meet suddenly.
---
You have noticed him looking at you and you have decided to be brave or bold enough not to turn your head away as he approaches you with his lunch tray.
- Hello again, may I…
- Yes! you reply and blush after noticing how you didn’t even let him finish his question.
- Thank you. he says and sits down right opposite you.
You lean back and smile politely. You look around a bit and see how some of the people are looking at you and talking with each other… about you and Tom obviously. Million thoughts rush through your head. What are they thinking and talking about? Well, you admit to yourself that it is a bit unexpected that from the all tables he picked yours to sit at, when there was one seat left free by every table in the room. But he decided to sit to a table where was no one else sitting, but you.. just you.
- You don’t know any of these people, do you? Tom asks.
- No, I arrived yesterday. The plane was late and all I did was to take a taxi to my… my… place, which is a mess by the way, somewhere here in London. Beautiful city, although all the streets still look the same and I would be so totally lost if someone dumped me on some road…somewhere… I’ve actually never been here before, in London.. or UK.. and it’s all new and I almost got hit by the car… the left-side-traffic is just weird…
You realize you have been talking quite a lot and stop suddenly. Shit! you think.
- And… how are you? You continue. You can see how he is studying you with the blue beautiful eyes of his. He starts to laugh.
- Ehehehehe! I am doing well. he answers.
- I’m sorry, I have a bad habit of talking too much or too little when I get nervous.
- it’s ok. Of course you are nervous; you have every right to be. I mean it is a new place for you, but I’m sure you will love London.
- Yeah… you say with slight hint of disbelief in your voice. It’s not that you don’t believe that you wouldn’t enjoy the city. It’s more the fact that Tom had though that the nervousness is due to the new place and not the fact that you’re talking to him.
- You don’t believe me? There’s a place where I used to go when I was studying acting. The days were usually very long and teachers very demanding. In the morning I used to go there and watch the sun come up over the London. That was when I realized how lucky I was to live this life in this place and be part of something absolutely marvelous. he says and you watch him talking with a smile on your face.
- Sounds amazing. you say and look at your plate.
- Hey, I will take you there one morning. You just need to tell me where you live and I will come and get you.
You smile and try to cover up the surprise and confusion. You mutter “Thank you” and try your best to cover your fangirly blushing.
- Am I making you uncomfortable? I am sorry if I’m doing so…
- Oh no, don’t worry. I’m just a mess right now. I don’t sleep well in new places and I couldn’t sleep the night before because I was so excited to come here and I don’t sleep when I’m excited… so I’m a mess. you say and try to smile.
- When I’m like super tired, I get over emotional and I lose focus. It’s terrible. you continue while nervously playing with your peas. You’re looking at down to your plate again. Tom says nothing but he takes your hand which is on the table right next to your plate.
- It is OK. Hey, look at me. he says and you lift your gaze and look at his eyes. He nods and smiles.
- You all have your scripts now, the rest of the day you may read it through. Tomorrow we start for real. If there are some questions about the roles, scripts or the project in general, feel free to ask me tomorrow. says the guy who was standing on the stage before, the director.
You finish your lunch and take your stuff. You mutter “Excuse me” to Tom as you leave the table.
Your heart is racing. It is beating so fast and so hard and you find it hard to breathe. You don’t run because you don’t want to seem any weirder in Tom’s eyes than you already have seemed. You just walk in a super pace, find the door out and take a lung-full of cold London air. You put your coat on and walk away.
You decide to find your way to the place where you are staying. You try to think about the project and your role but all you can think about is one certain someone who popped in your life so suddenly. You just walk and walk until you find yourself lost. Great! And it starts to rain. It always rains in London. You should have brought your umbrella, but you didn’t and Murphy’s law strikes again. You take a bus back to the theater and plan switching it to other bus which you took when you came in the morning.
There is someone at the front door coming out with an umbrella when you’re standing all wet and mascara-gone-bad at the bus stop. The bus arrives. That someone says “Hello” and makes a greeting gesture with his hand. You turn your head to face the sound and see Tom one more time. You step into the bus and drive away.
Home sweet home. You go to the bathroom to wash your face. Ah shit! It’s terrible, the mascara has burned your eyes and they are all red and the mascara has made blackish lines on your faces. Yep… this was the face that Tom had a pleasure of seeing. Yep, way to go! you congratulate yourself.
Then you focus on the scrip and lose yourself into the movie. This is first time when you actually read a real movie script and it seems like whole new thing to you. You did read many play scripts when you were studying but never a real movie –one. Even though you find the script hard to read and understand after a long long… long day, you’re hungry to read it from start to finish. Until eventually you fall asleep.
---
He was surprised a bit when you left all of a sudden. He had felt that you two had shared a connection which you had broken without a warning. He was feeling a bit disappointed and sad about your behavior but he promises himself that he will come and talk to you tomorrow. He pours himself a cup of tea and breathes the steam in. The smell of fresh tea fills in the room. He sits in his favorite chair and begins to read the script. However he has slight problems to concentrate because he is thinking what it would be like to get you to a room with no one else, when you’re actually relaxed and less aware of your surroundings; Not stressing out about how little or much you might be saying. He sips the tea and clears finally his mind… now, the script.
---
Morning, a beautiful morning. You slept like a baby the whole night. You don’t remember your dreams, they are pretty weird anyway. You are sure that Tom ruled your dreams but you try to put those thoughts aside. You eat breakfast and get ready for the bus. You greet the woman who manages the house and leave.
The sun shines through the autumn leafs and makes them bathe in light. The world is new and feels different today. You smile and greet the bus driver. He doesn’t greet you back, but it doesn’t matter. It takes about 20 minutes to get to the theater by bus. You turn the volumes up on your headphones and fall into your own world.
You step out the bus. You’re here again. You exhale and inhale slowly. You’re ready.
- Hello! You hear someone calling your name and you turn.
- Oh, hi Tom! you say and smile. It’s a beautiful morning!
- Yes, in the mornings like this the world feels totally new. Like anything is possible. he replies and looks at the sun. The sun makes his eyes sparkle. You look at him with an admiration and he turns his eyes on you.
- I think we should go, don’t want to get late the first day. you say and start climb the stone stairs. Tom walks next to you. The first time ever you really see and feel how tall he is. You admire his shadow and fail to notice that there are some fallen leafs on the stairs. You step on them and you almost slip. You scream a little and he is fast enough to grab your arm you before there is even a change of falling down.
- Thank… you… you say and look at his face with eyes wide open. How on earth is he so perfect? Literally there to catch you when you are about to fall… well, almost anyway. It is almost annoying. It’s like the universe was screaming to you “there he is, grab him and kiss him –now” but you know it’s only in your mind. “I mean what he should have done? Let you fall and maybe crack your scull?” you think. But… he is perfect anyway.
After this you don’t really feel like looking at Tom too much. You’re afraid that he would think that you did your almost-slipping on purpose. Playing mind games has never been your thing, you’re not the damsel in distress. You would like to be, sometimes at least, but not now. That would be just unbearable. You like to keep your distance. That is the way you’ve always liked it. It is the safe way and no one will be able to hurt you.
This time you come into the hall after Tom and pick the seat nearest the door, the furthest from Tom and his knight-in-the-shining-armor-act… why the hell is he so perfect?! NO! You’re not thinking about that; him and his perfect, strong yet gentle, saving arm that grabbed you less than ten minutes ago. NO, fuck no!
The director is speaking on the stage and everybody are listening his words carefully. He says that now going to do some team building exercises where the aim is to build your trust on each other.
He gathers everybody on the stage and into a circle. The exercises vary from improvisational scenes to telling your biggest fears. One by one everyone is telling about his or hers fears. They’re not being too deep about them or some are making a joke out of the question and the director doesn’t seem too pleased. Suddenly it’s your time to tell about your greatest fear. You never want to talk about such things openly. You consider yourself as a strong person… you had to be strong, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. You would have given up such a long time ago.
- My greatest fear? you ask as you raise your eyes from the floor. Director nods and his face seems demanding a serious answer.
- I fear… you pause and breathe heavily in and out…
- I fear that one day I will wake up, look into the mirror and notice that I’ve grown old and then look back at my life and realize that I haven’t actually done anything… that I never found my place in this world or found happiness or someone special.. or when I had the chances to do so… I didn’t take them. you pause and gasp for air. You feel like you haven’t really said enough, so you continue.
- I’m afraid that I will meet someone and then drive him away because I’m just so scared of letting go. I’ve always been alone. I enjoy my life of independence but still a part of me is screaming for being… found, in a way. And like that wouldn’t be enough! I’m afraid of the melancholic side of me, since I have a bad habit of finding beauty in sadness and drowning in the shadow of my own gloom sometimes. So… the bottom line is that I’m afraid that one day I will be bitter for being afraid of so many things… and it would just kill me.
You stop. You realize that you’ve just poured your deepest fears on everybody and you feel ashamed.
-… and I also fear being buried alive… you continue, trying to make it into a joke. It’s not working, no one’s laughing. They’re just staring at you. Tom is staring at you. You turn your head down. Shit! You actually said that!
Awkward silence.
The silence is lasting longer than you can bear. You look down, you flash a quick sarcastic smile at yourself as you sneer quietly. You raise your head and look at the director.
- Excuse me. you say and run out from the stage. Out from the hall, into the corridor.
Corridor, silence… you’re screaming in your head. You feel the tears building in your eyes and you feel like being torn down piece by piece. Your heart is beating so fast and it scares you. You put your hand on your heart and try to calm down but it feels like whole world is crashing down. What happened?! You realize that it was the fact that Tom was looking at you when you were talking and you were looking at him and it was all so confusing and embarrassing and terrible and it felt like he could have seen right into your soul. It felt like all the words that you were saying were meant to be said just for him and the message was screaming “save me, take me, love me. Give me a purpose, let it be glorious.”
After some time passes, you hear the door open. People are going to get the lunch and they take a glance at you as they’re walking by. You can feel their eyes burning your back. You’re staring at the window still pressing your heart with your hand. You lift your other hand over your mouth and try to block the cries that try to escape your lips. You sense someone behind you.
- That was… Tom says softly.
- …Embarrassing, oh I know! you say and try to laugh but your laughter is not fooling anyone.
- No, not at all. You were painfully honest. I hope I had the gift of that kind of brutal honesty.
You laugh bitterly and gasp for air.
- I’m doing everything wrong. I try so hard to make my profession proud of me but all I seem to be able to do is to fuck things up. If they had seen this side of me they would never hired me in the first place.
- Shhh, you shouldn’t think in such way. I think you will be a great actress. You just have to learn to channel your emotion. Tom says and realizes that the words he had chosen had sounded a bit brutal.
- I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it in a bad way. I just tried to say that when you’ll gain some self confidence, you will totally knock everybody out with your talents. Please look at me.
But you won’t look. Your eyes are fixed in the window and you just want to block everything out.
- Come, let’s get some lunch?
- No, you go, I cannot eat right now. Can you please leave me alone for a moment? you surprise even yourself how harsh your voice sound. Harsh, cold and distant.
- Ok, I will steal you a cookie from the cafeteria. he says and hesitantly walks away.
You’re alone again. You find peace in your solitude. You like your protecting high brick walls and now they have been taken down. You’re trying to build them back up again.
- Are you alright?
You hear the directors voice. You turn around and smile at him politely.
- Yes, I’m sorry, I don’t know what came into me.
- It was very refreshing to hear a realistic yet brutal answer… however we cannot tolerate these kind of delays.
- I understand. I’m sorry. It will not happen again. you say and feel sorry for your whole existence.
- You seem like a great, talented person and I want you to succeed. Let yourself feel and fall. Don’t be afraid of showing all sides of your being. Talented actors can draw strength and use their own experiences in building the character that they are playing. Make them theirs, make them real.
You nod and the man walks away. His footsteps echo in the corridor and get more distant.
Let yourself feel and fall. Should you? Should you let them break you down, strip you naked from your guards and shine their spotlights on you? Should you?
---
He is worried for you. He would like to take you in his arms and make you feel better. He is afraid that it would drive you away. He tries to imagine what your life has been. All the ups and downs and what they have done to you. How did you become the person that you are now? He is a bit surprised to feel like this about you. “I don’t even know her” he thinks. He finishes his plate, returns his dishes and walks to the cashier.
- Two cups of tea, please, takeaway. And yes, a cookie. he says to the cashier.
---
How to continue after an outbreak like that? You walk back to the hall and now sit there alone. You listen to your music and close your eyes. Gosh you’re hungry! You try to listen to the happy songs but somehow you just skip them all and focus on the songs that sound as gloomy as you feel now. It is not that you would like to fall deeper and deeper into the dark waters, but somehow it’s easier. The bitter sweet melancholy. That is your drug. You’re an addict and you hate it.
You hear a thud of someone sitting down behind you, you choose just to ignore it. However that someone isn’t going to let you ignore him. He clears his throat, demanding to have everybody's attention. You take off your headphones and smile at the empty stage sarcastically. “It would better NOT be Tom, I swear to god if it’s Tom…” you think and you adjust your sitting position in a way that you can now turn facing behind you.
- Cookie for you, as promised.
- Oh… thanks! you reply and your sarcastic smile turns into a surprised one which melts into a genuine smile.
- I hope you like chocolate cookies, they’re my favorites so I took one for you… as I promised. Tom says and looks into your smiling eyes. He finds himself unable to break away from them.
He sounds a bit distracted and you notice it. Like he was lost for words and you would make him to be that way. It makes you feel a bit silly and the whole situation seems unreal.
- Yes… you did promise. Thank you. you reply and take the cookie.
- I brought you also some tea. Here. Tom says and gives you a warm cup.
- I hope you’ll like it and it’s not too cold, or hot. he sounds still a bit lost. He continues
- For me, tea always makes me feel better… so… I thought…
You just smile and examine his eyes. You notice the smile slipping away and you sip the tea. Tom is looking at you, examining your face and there is a question burning in his eyes.
- Yes! It’s good! you say and your face lights up like a thousand suns as you start smiling widely. You laugh and the bright sound of your laughter echoes in the hall.
---
He is glad that you’re smiling and even laughing. He likes your laughter and the way it filled in the room. He will not ask you about your breakdown, he doesn’t want to. Not now, but he will. He is sure that if he would ask about it now, you would just shut down again. Turn cold and distant like you had turned before. He says nothing, sips his tea and keeps reading your face.
---
- It’s just hard, you know. you say suddenly after laughter stops. Tom doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t want to stop you with questions. He waits and you look away for a moment.
- I have all the life to live, here and now… but… you say, pause and smile sadly before continuing.
- …It’s like-
You’re trying to find your words, the right words… Hell, this was your choice to talk about it, so get your act together and make some sentences that actually are being formed by the right words.
- I am always thinking too much. I’m always thinking “what if I do this and then happens that and then this, but when I say like this, then it will go like that, but it’s not the way either, so I must think a bit more”… and the moment is gone. It’s safe, it’s very risk free. That way I don’t make mistakes and ironically end up making the greatest mistake of my life, which is…
- …Not living. says Tom
- There you have it. At the moment that is the best way I can explain myself. If you’ll give me a bit time, I will give you a better answer. you say and finish up the cup in a hurry.
- This was good stuff, thanks! you say as people start to enter the hall.
Tom returns to his seat and the rest of the day goes on with being busy rehearsing.
He looks puzzled and you hope that you haven’t shocked him too much. It’s almost like he was dodging your eyes when there is a chance of them meeting. You focus on the director and his assistant’s words and directions. You make some mistake with camera marks and movie-shooting stuff, but you don’t break. You talk and laugh, take notes and your focus cannot be distracted. You anxiously want to show everybody what you’re not just some cry-baby trying to win the heart of the only celeb in the room.
The day is turning into an evening and evening is turning into a night. The assistant hands out everybody their schedules. You check out yours and it seems that you and Tom will not be seeing each other too much these following days, weeks actually. Maybe it’s just good. You say good nights to everybody and leave the theater. You feel lighter somehow. It is a very good feeling. You wonder is Tom feels the same way.
---
And he does, and… doesn’t. He’s a bit afraid that his friendliness could –in some cases- be interpreted as a sign of deeper interest. He doesn’t really know what to think and how to adjust himself to the fact that someone like you had appeared in his life all of a sudden. He almost regrets that he had promised to take you to his favorite place, but only almost. He doesn’t regret it. The more he thinks about it, he notices that thinking of your laughter makes him smile and thinking about your sadness makes him want to make it go away. Now his worry for his friendliness being interpreted as sign of deeper affection is changing into a worry; what if his friendliness will be interpreted as friendliness and not as a sign of deeper affection.
---
The next days you just run from the set to set, study your lines like a crazy person. You are amazed about everything and sometimes it feels like your head was just spinning but somehow you manage to find calmness and sharpness in your head. You’re focused. You have even gone to a pub nearby with the people who share your schedule. Your role fits you well. She is as lost as you are, but still a fighter.
You play a singer, who has run away from her home and try to make a living waiting tables in the daytime and singing heart out during the nights. Even though your role is only a supporting one, you will make a most of it, like you have promised yourself.
Time passes by.
Your character is working in the café where the main characters go sometimes. The main characters – the leading lady and Tom. You haven’t seen Tom for three weeks now. You try not to think about him because if you were thinking… missing him… you would feel ultimately sad when the project is over. It is better this way, it must be. It surely is, you think. You know that you’re actually kidding yourself but hey, if a little white lie keeps you going, then surely it’s ok.
You are fascinated about the plot. It is like a series of smaller stories that end up wrapping together. Like life. The movie is about growing and making different choices. Some of them wreck lives and some begin new stories. All happening in London during October. At this point your scenes have been very small ones, some background action and stuff, a little bit dialogue, but you know that there’s going to be a culmination point for you and that will be your time to shine.
In the matter of fact your high point will be a scene where you will actually sing. You have been pretty nervous about it, because it will be a scene where Tom characters attention will be on you. “It is only his character”, you try to think, but you feel nervous all the same. Luckily some of your days have been filled with singing lessons and you have been singing even before. You like the song very much and it fits your voice well. For some of you the project starts to be closer to the end. You are one of those persons. Actually your final scenes will be shot in few days and then it will be over.
Tomorrow is finally a free day and tonight you’re going to a party that the film crew has organized at the theater. It’s almost like a goodbye –party for some and a “just another party” for others. You put your prettiest clothes and put on a strong but beautiful makeup. And high heels, yep! You look at the mirror one more time before leaving your apartment-room-thing.
You arrive to the party a bit late. Everybody is already in the party mood. Some more than the others. You take your jacket to the cloakroom, mingle a bit and head to the dance floor. You greet your colleagues on your way and stop chatting with couple of them.
- Oh, that’s my song! you say and excuse yourself to the dance floor. There are also other people, but you don’t care. You have a habit of losing yourself into the music when the music that is playing is something you love. Now it is.
---
Tom has also come to the party. He has been looking for you and talking to various people. He hasn’t wanted to ask straight if they have seen you, so he asks
- Is everybody coming? Has everyone arrived yet?
It has been the same when they were shooting. He tried to figure out the right “non-obvious-questions” and ask around what kind of schedule you’re having so he could bump into you “by accident”.
Then he sees you making your way to the dance floor. You look as beautiful as ever. Your hair shines in the lights and your smile lights up the room. The way you float through the crowd is almost hypnotic to watch and when you get on the dance floor, he just has to stare at you for a moment. Then he makes his way to the dance floor as well.
---
- Hi! Tom shouts through the music.
You open your eyes and the light hits them making you blind for a moment. You try to cover your eyes from the bright light with your hand so you would be able to see who is calling you.
- Tom! Hey! you say and smile. That moment the dj starts to play Daft Punks Get Lucky. Tom starts to laugh and gives the dj thumbs up. Everybody clears the floor and only Tom stays there in the center. You nod your head smiling and start clapping to the music. Tom starts to dance and he dances so well! Those moves would charm any woman!
The song begins to change into a next one. Everybody starts to cheer and clap. Tom walks to you.
- That was awesome! you say but Tom just smiles and looks deep into your eyes. He takes your hand leads you to the dance floor. Then he turns facing you both start to dance. You’re having so much fun making funny dance moves and then laughing at each other. You’re just dancing and looking at each other’s eyes, couple hours pass away swiftly. Then Tom goes suddenly to speak to the dj and comes then back right away. A slow song starts to play.
- I’m going to get a drink now. you say and smile.
- No, you’re not. says he and takes your hands and places them on his shoulders and put his hands on your waist. You are afraid to meet his gaze and quite nervously look around you. He leans closer and says to your ear
- Hey, I’m here.
You turn your head and look at Tom’s eyes with slight hesitation. So you two float in the rhythm of the song until it changes again. The shortest three minutes of your life! Or the longest, you cannot decide. The song has turned into some EDM-song again but you and Tom are still floating to the previous song. You breathe harder and your heart is beating so fast but you’re trying your best not to show it.
You take your hands off his shoulders as a sign of leaving the scene.
- Stay. he says with a demanding tone. You have no other choice than to stay. You notice that he is also breathing differently. You cannot look at him. You just cannot. You want to and don’t want to.
---
He has decided to see this through. He has decided that tonight he will steal a kiss from your lips if you just let him. He sees that you have hard time looking at him. He has noticed the change in your breathing; he is actually pretty pleased that he is able to affect your pulse and breathing. He leans in closer to you, takes his other hand off your waist and removes a runaway lock of your hair from your face, plays with it for short moment and puts it behind your ear. Then he moves his hand gently touching your ear, cheek and down to your chin and lifts it up so your eyes are facing his. He is staring at your eyes and lips and eyes again…
- Okay, the party is over! Go home everybody. says the theater's janitor as he puts on the lights. You snap out of the moment, take few steps backwards and get blinded by the light as you step out from Tom’s shadow. Tom sighs and stands in the center of the dance floor that was going to witness a kiss any moment now. You’re gone. But it’s not over, he thinks and decides to find you again.
---
The world spins and it is not due to the few drinks you have been drinking during the whole night. Oh no. You feel like you’re about to faint if you won’t get some fresh air, now! You stumble your way thought the drunken crowd to find your jacket. You’re almost walking like in a haze. All the sounds just echo and you feel like your heart could explode anytime.
Cool night air. You breathe it in. Long deep breathes. Inhale, exhale and repeat slowly. You start to calm down little by little and you manage to wish good nights to everybody as you’re walking away. Most of the people are heading downtown to clubs. Not you though.
- Wait! you hear someone calling. You recognize the voice and stop. You inhale slowly and turn back. You see Tom running after you.
- Are you tired? he asks you.
- No, not really.
- Hungry?
- Starving! you reply and laugh out loud.
Your feet are killing you because you have been standing and dancing with your high heels whole night. You try your best to block the pain away and walk as well as possible; it would be slightly embarrassing to handle the necessary pain like a noob and show Tom that you cannot handle high heels. Tom lives “red-carpet-life” and on the red carpet, the ladies use high heels like a boss.
You’re walking the quiet streets of London, don’t really talk about anything and there is a strange atmosphere between you two. Finally you spot a grill and buy some fish and chips. Tom pays them for you both even though you try your best to pay for yours. You feel honored and bad at the same time; even if he might be paid for three blockbuster movies quite well, in other words, he’s not broke –like you, you don’t want to take advantage of his politeness and kindness.
- The next ones are on me. you say and thank him for the food. You eat at the grill and leave.
- Come, I will show you the place I told you about. Tom says and takes your hand. You climb the stairs to a roof top of some building.
- Are we allowed to be her… you say as Tom opens the door that leads to the roof.
- Wow! you say and gasp for air. Your eyes fill with awe at that moment. You can’t say anything else, you just walk close to the edge. You’re so high that you feel as butterflies were flying around in your stomach.
Tom follows your every move with his eyes and tries to figure out what you’re feeling and thinking at that exact moment. You’re not still saying anything, that makes Tom a bit worried.
- What do you think? he says softly.
- I… I… love it. you say and turn at Tom, who is standing a bit further behind you. You smile just a bit and turn to watch the view again. You feel sad. This is exactly what you have been afraid of; you know that you’re leaving in less than a week. You will get back to your ordinary life and slowly forget how everything felt like… how alive you had felt. You try to swallow your tears and breathe in and out deeply.
You hear soft footsteps getting nearer and Tom asking with a soft voice
- You are here, because you want to be here?
You don’t answer. You’re afraid that if you’ll say anything Tom will notice that you’re crying again. You’re just watching the view.
- Why are you running again? he asks.
For a while you’re just silent. You look at the night sky that is turning paler as the morning is approaching.
- Because that’s what I do. you say silently.
- Even in my dreams. It’s always the same. Someone is chasing me and I run. I’m curious to know what would happen if I stopped and got caught, but I never do.
- But you’re here, because you want to be here. he states, hoping to hear a confirmation from you.
- Yes. you say only half aloud and try to keep yourself together.
- So don’t run. Tom says. You utter a sad laughter and close your eyes as you’re wiping the tears off your face.
---
Tom is standing right behind you. He doesn’t know if he dares to place his hand on your shoulder or be even bolder and hug you. You have built a barrier between you and him and he doesn’t know how to get pass that. He sees you rubbing your hands as you try to keep them warm.
Suddenly Tom takes some quick steps and end up standing right in front of you. You’re deep in your thoughts and the expression you have on your face is screaming sadness and acceptance, like a face of a drowning person who has acknowledged the inevitable, has stopped kicking and tries to find peace before the end of all things. Tom takes hold of your hands all of a sudden.
- Your hands are freezing cold. he says and rubs them with his hands. Then he lifts them up close to his mouth. He blows warm air of your cold hands and kisses them softly. You wake up from your thoughts and look into Tom’s eyes. You look sad yet beautiful. Lost and vulnerable. He holds your hands and traps them behind your back, holding them firmly yet gently. His actions pull you close to him, closer than you’ve ever been before. You’re still looking at his eyes.
Sun is coming up. The first rays hit your eyes and you close them.
- Caught you now. Tom whispers to your ear and you feel his lips on your neck, just under your ear, on your cheek pressing soft kisses as they’re searching your lips. Just when he is about to kiss you on your lips, he stops and takes a little moment to breathe you in. Then he presses his lips gently on yours and kisses them. Your heart almost stops and you just barely manage to kiss him back. He is still holding your hands behind you. After a moment he lets them go and places his hands on the both sides of your face and kisses you again. This time his kisses are more possessive and demanding. He moves his other hand behind your neck and strokes your hair gently. Other hand he moves to your shoulder, arm and finally behind your back.
---
You pull him closer and answer his kisses as they get more passionate. Then he gasps for air and your lips part from his. You breathe quite fast and smile. Tom feels that you’re smiling and a wide smile appears on his face. You feel the morning sun on your face as you bathe in the light. He kisses you once more but this time his lips barely touch yours. You open your eyes and look at Tom. He is smiling and pulls you closer again. This time he just hugs you and you hug him back while breathing him in. This is good, this is how it should be. You don't want to run anymore.