Loki / Reader (5) - Part 5
The next day you slept late, well into the afternoon and for your surprise you woke up in your own bed… although where else you should have woken up exactly? Had you expected to wake up somewhere else? You were not quite sure what had happened in Loki's chamber but if there was something that you were completely sure about… it was that you would never dare to ask. You remembered threatening Loki with another fight but after that you could basically recall only his voice and a sensation of peaceful warmth surrounding you. However it was obvious that Loki had crossed lines of appropriate behavior and violated your right to make your own decision and it was a thing that couldn't be ignored or taken lightly; he had gotten into your head and bent you into his will and since you were your own person, you did not want him to treat you like he owned you. Sure Loki was the king and you were his subject and therefore you couldn’t stand against him in a defiant manner openly, challenge his so-called better judgment or behave in an impolite manner… but you decided as you kept laying in your bed and going through everything in your head that the smartest move would be to keep your distance both emotionally and physically.
So you did not know what had happened after the world had started to fade away around you and your free will had been stolen from you. Your mind had gotten blurry and you had been rendered helpless in front of Loki. However the harder you forced yourself to recall the events of the previous evening, the clearer it got; Loki had used his powers against you and… given you a bath! “What the hell, Loki?” you exclaimed to yourself, opened your eyes wide open and stared at the ceiling in shock. In a way it was ironic that most likely the old-you would have been delighted for such gesture of kindness but the new-you... the one who had walked out from that forest... she was different… for her this was an intrusion, a serious violation of your privacy and it didn’t make any difference whether Loki’s motives had been good and considerate… or if they had been… mischievous.
The old-you had been foolishly and very naively in love with Loki… the man who had insulted as well as disgraced you in public, put your family into shame and then dragged you back against your will, yes, the old-you had been a fool indeed… and therefore the new-you had to be smarter. You got up from bed while repeating to yourself how you couldn’t fall under the king’s charms again… but the bitter truth was that you had never stopped loving him, deep down.
You wanted to hate Loki for what he had done; for undressing you against your will and doing… whatever… to you… “Surely not that far!” you exclaimed when you tried to figure out how far exactly Loki had gone. He had undressed you, yes… given you a bath… maybe… or yes… Yes, you had some faint memories about that… but you had completely blacked out and there was no way of knowing what Loki had done after you had fallen asleep. Had he taken you into his bed? Had he touched you inappropriately? Had he… raped you?
At this point you told yourself to stop. It was getting out of hand because you were speculating too much; it was like your mind had been constantly throwing fuel into fire, giving yourself more reasons to get angrier, more stressed out and worried. “You need to calm down!” you commanded yourself while you stared at yourself in the mirror. Loki was the God of Mischief, true, but he was also the king… an honorable man and therefore you did not want to sink so low and assume the worst of him. He after all was still the man you loved, whether or not you wanted to admit it to yourself. Everything would have been so much easier if you didn’t have these strong… annoyingly fluffy feelings towards the handsome, engaging bastard.
The point however was that you couldn’t show Loki that your feelings had not changed. The reason for this was that something had changed even if your feelings were still the same; you had left behind your childlike cheerfulness and lightheartedness and they had been replaced with self-doubt and awareness. Yes, awareness of the fact that Loki did not feel the same way about you and he never had. Awareness that you had been wrong about his feelings and made a fool of yourself by throwing yourself at him so openly as well as boldly… constantly by seeking his company and after finding him… just tagging along assuming that your company had been warmly welcomed… when actually it had not. You were now also aware that Loki was capable of saying such cruel things out in the public… that he didn’t care for you even that much that he would have snapped at you in private… and lastly, you were aware of the painful detail that despite of everything, you still loved Loki and most likely your feelings would never change. “How pathetic and sad is that?” you thought to yourself.
It had been also one of the many reasons why you had escaped through the portal; you had known it in your bones that even though Loki had shamed you in front of the important people, it had not been enough to kill your stupid feelings. It had meant that you had been basically forced to leave Asgard… but sadly, now you knew that you wouldn’t be able to escape Loki. Yeah, he had, for some reason, come after you and brought you back… even when you had tried to fight him. But why? His actions made no sense!
If he had really meant the things he had said earlier, and it had really felt like he had been finally speaking from his heart after pretending to be your friend for years, then why had he brought you back to Asgard? Shouldn’t he have been happy that you had removed yourself from his life? Anyway… he had come after you, brought you back for some reason… and that meant that if you tried to escape again he would most likely repeat his actions until you would just give up. Was it his way of telling you that you belonged to him even if he disliked you profoundly? Was it a punishment? An act of mischief or a trick? Did he want to test you… to see how long it would take that you would break entirely?
- Stop it! you shouted and turned away from your reflection because a runaway tear appeared on you cheek. It hurt you emotionally to think that Loki was a sadistic bastard but unlike before, now the new-you scolded yourself for being so weak.
- You have to be smart now. you spoke calmly after turning to face your reflection again. “Loki is the king, it means that you cannot challenge him publicly" you spoke with a slightly shaky tone as you tried to keep your personal feelings under control. You pressed your fingernails against the palms of your hands, hoping that the physical pain would distract you from the emotional pain and calmed yourself down before continuing. Then you took a deep breath and after making sure that your voice was not going to break or even tremble a little bit, you continued "You cannot… disagree with him and you cannot show anyone that you’re hurt” you stated and filled your lungs with one deep inhale.
- You do not love Loki. you said and nodded at yourself as an agreement. “You…” you spoke firmly and after a somewhat long pause you continued by saying “…Do not… love him.” You promised yourself that it would get easier with time and instructed yourself to avoid situations where you would be left alone with the king and you swore to yourself to do your very best to ignore his charms. Loki after all was a very charismatic person who made a profound impression on everybody by simply entering the room.
During the days that followed you kept your distance also because you did not quite know what Loki thought about you now, besides you needed some space to adjust yourself to the changed situation. Yes, the situation had changed indeed; you knew now that Loki didn’t particularly like you and he had tolerated your presence just for the sake of your parents… no… for the sake of maintaining good relations with your parents to be exact. The situation had also changed because in a way you had grown up and abandoned your childish hopes and dreams. It was sad, yes, and also unfortunate, to go on living as a shadow of a person you had been before… but then again your naïve foolishness had been replaced with independence and cynicism and because of that you knew that nothing would hurt you that deeply ever again. It made you untouchable, kind of, and in this state of mental turmoil it gave you comfort; nothing would hurt you as long as you didn’t let anyone too close. Your heart that had once been open and embraced people without any shadow of doubt was now broken and it hurt like hell… but it was also locked away from the world, closed in… and scarred.
You were cautious and careful not to annoy or disturb Loki because you were afraid that you would end up repeating the events that had led into this situation in the first place and therefore after some months of somewhat awkward coexistence you decided to leave the court for a moment. It was clear that the people in court had been talking during the time you had been away and there were still rumors spreading among the dignitaries. It was so obvious because you could see the heads turning when you entered the room and at that very moment the conversations stopped and an awkward silence filled the hall. Even now… even after five months!
Sure you had tried to get back into your normal routine, to put everything behind you and continue living your life like nothing had happened… like Loki… but deep down you knew that there was no going back and everything was just pretense. A big, ongoing show to keep everyone happy, to keep a low profile and not to make any unnecessary waves. Well, it had clearly been easy for Loki; the God if Mischief seemed to be completely unchanged and he had moved on with his life effortlessly. He even seemed to be enjoying the situation… that you kept your distance and removed yourself from his life as much as you could while still living in the same court with him. But yeah, the reality was that Loki had not sought your company or even tried to talk things through with you after that night.
The situation was getting unbearable and affecting your mood constantly; you did not laugh and you did not smile... or you did but in an extremely polite way and you kept your distance to everyone, especially to Loki. You did not attend the dinners and when you did, you always sat silently by the far end of the table, you did your very best not to disturb Loki in anyway and you did not tag along anymore when he was on a stroll in the garden. You even left the library when the king entered it and you always came up with excuses why you had to go. But the truth was that you missed the warm, pleasantly fluffy feeling that had filled you when Loki had calmed down your mind after bringing you back to Asgard… however you scolded yourself for missing it.
You missed it because it had been so easy to surrender yourself to the feeling of warmth and safety. Sure, Loki had gotten into your mind and you had not surrendered yourself to “his better judgment” free-willingly but it had been easy to slip into the soft haze where nothing could hurt you… annoyingly easy even. You missed the feeling of trusting someone completely and letting go of your worries as well as your doubts but you also acknowledged it that Loki had forced you and bent you into his will, which had been wrong.
The saddest part was that you were convinced that what you had felt was what it would feel like to be loved; to feel genuinely warm, calm and safe… like nothing could ever hurt you. You had wished to experience something like that… but not like this, not by having your mind hacked and stolen from you. Oh no, you had hoped that you would feel… everything… just due to being loved and you had hoped that the person to love you so profoundly and possessively would be Loki…
If only Loki wanted to be that special person to you; the one that you could trust and rely on, the one who would love you and who would accept your love as well.
So you had no other choice than to leave the court and return to your parents for some time, let the dust settle and so on. You did not know if your mother and father had heard about Loki’s confrontation… also known as the public humiliation… and about the events that had followed; your escape for example… and the dramatic change in your mood as well as in your daily activities. You sure hoped that they had not and at least when you arrived home, they didn’t say anything or behave in way that could have been considered out of ordinary. You decided not to talk about any of it because you had come home to forget and perhaps like that you would be able to start again… and get your smile back. Maybe.
- We have heard rumors. your mother said when you all sat down for a family dinner. You had arrived to your parents’ place in the early afternoon and then take a long nap. You had not been able to sleep properly since coming back from Midgard and now that you had been in your old bed, you had fallen asleep almost immediately. You had slept five hours and then your mother had come to wake you up for dinner. Now you were sitting by the festively-set table, trying to act as normally as possible.
- Oh? you asked casually.
- Yes. your mother said and gestured your father to take it from here.
- What have you heard? you asked and pushed your food around on your plate with your fork.
- That our daughter is not happy in the court. your father stated with a concerned tone and shifted his attention from his plate to you.
- Oh. you commented and after taking a quick glance at your parents, your mother first and then your father, you returned to stare at the vegetables on your plate.
- That she doesn't favor the king anymore. your father continued but this time his voice was more serious.
- What is going on, (Y/N)? your mother asked and stared at you with a confused expression on her face.
- It is complicated. you mumbled at your plate.
- Did something happen? your mother asked, clearly trying to understand what was going on with you but struggling to wrap her head around it. In her opinion she had raised a fine lady… a lady worthy of being the queen of Asgard someday and now, here you were… fallen out of the king’s good graces.
- No. you stated but there was no voice coming out from your mouth and therefore you took a sip of wine and repeated “No” with louder voice.
- Well, can you make amends? your father asked and took his wineglass. He spun the wine around in the glass a little, breathed in the sweet scent of the wine and continued by stating with a casual yet deeply concerned tone “Get the king back to your side.”
- The king doesn’t love me. you responded immediately and chuckled bitterly. “He never has” you added and emptied your wineglass with one long gulp. You had hoped to avoid talking about the subject but apparently there was no way to avoid it.
- Darling, love is unimportant. your mother spoke with a soft, yet condescending tone and after a brief pause, she stated “What really matters is one's status and convenience of the union-“
- Where are you going? your father asked when he noticed you pushing your chair back and standing up.
- Suddenly I am not hungry anymore. you stated and walked away from the dining room. You put on your coat and stormed out from your parent’s house. You were greeted by a crisp gush of wind and it was chilling your core. You were terribly hungry as well but there was no way you would be able to continue the dinner with your parents because it meant that you would have to discuss about your relationship with Loki… answer all the curious questions and listen to your parents scolding you for being so reckless.
You rubbed your arms and sat down on a swing that was hanging from a branch of an old tree. You kept swinging and leaning back so there was an intense tingle in your stomach when the world turned upside down for you. You closed your eyes and when you opened them, you saw a tall, majestic-looking figure standing behind you. The sun had set already and it was getting dark… but you could have recognized that physique… that presence anywhere… anytime. You stopped swinging instantly but stayed sitting in the swing facing away from the man. You swallowed once and whispered to yourself “Loki.”
***
Loki returned to his chamber after tucking you in and making sure that you slept peacefully. He had very conflicted feelings about everything; on the other hand he firmly believed that he had done the right thing when he had brought you back from Midgard and he refused to think that he had crossed boundaries of appropriate behavior afterwards… and even if he had, he had done it for your well-being, your best interest in mind. He strongly felt that he was entitled to act according to his better judgment, like he had, but there was a tiny voice in the back of his mind telling him that you might not see it like that. Oh no, you might not see it like that all and Loki was painfully aware of it deep down. It was a feeling that grew stronger every day and as it grew, it got harder to ignore… but Loki was a proud man and he wanted to think that he had done the right thing and you had been just too stubborn to see it.
This was why Loki never brought it up with you. He decided to assume that you would bring it up if you wanted to talk about it but as the days passed… you didn’t mention any of it… and neither did he. Loki thought to himself “Fine then, have it your way” and continued living his life as normally as he could but soon he noticed that you kept your distance and quite frankly… kept consciously and constantly avoiding him. On the other hand Loki didn’t understand why were you behaving like this… why were you treating him this coldly… but then again, the tiny voice was there all the time telling him that he had no one else to blame but himself for this breakup.
The other thing was that Loki mistook your distance as a sign that you missed the innkeeper... the peasant that you had claimed to have fallen in love with. Loki of course had not believed a word at first and he had been absolutely certain that you had been just lying to him for some reason or perhaps trying to insult him… but now… Loki had started to get afraid as well as suspicious that your feelings for him, the God of Mischief… the King of Asgard, had actually died. This insulted him the most at first but after a couple of months Loki began to see the other side of the story and therefore he started to feel increasingly guilty for everything but still… still he didn’t dare to bring it up since you kept avoiding him… even leaving the room when he entered it, which was something that you had never done before.
In the beginning Loki had tried to ignore that tiny voice in his head and to be honest, he had successfully managed to do so. However as the weeks had passed and turned into months and still you kept your distance, avoided having dinners with him and never joined him for the walks in the garden… basically you had removed yourself from Loki’s life as much as one could while still living in the same court… the tiny voice got louder and eventually your absence did not surprise him that much anymore. Mostly because after replaying the events over and over in his head he had finally realized how badly he had insulted you… that he had broken your heart and ripped it apart right in front of everyone.
Loki was afraid that you had not forgiven him for the things that he had said... although he had never actually apologized for any of it… which of course looked to you like Loki had no regrets about anything he had said or done, which of course was a big misunderstanding from your side. Sure in the beginning Loki had felt bitter and blamed you for being so arrogant and stubborn, for taking your vengeance in the form of coldhearted distance, for holding a grudge against him and showing him just how little he meant to you by removing yourself from his life so easily, basically effortlessly. This, your coldness, clearly hurt him and he was surprised that you didn’t see it… that he was constantly on bad mood for it… that he was unable to smile or enjoy his life like he used to... “Surely she would see my suffering if she wasn’t so in love with the peasant!” Loki had thought many times.
However the reason why the God of Mischief had not voiced his apology was that he had just assumed that you knew that he was sorry and the motive why you kept your distance was that you were not ready to move on… or to give him a second chance… a fresh start… but as the weeks had progressed Loki had accepted the situation; you were in love with someone else and the poor king had lost your friendship… your love… entirely… and this was something that couldn’t be changed… not by force at least.
However then one day Loki was told that you were going to leave the court. “To visit her parents” the messenger said and the young king immediately assumed that you were going to walk through the portal again and therefore he first decided to order a guard to stand by the gateway so your attempts to leave Asgard could be stopped. But then suddenly Loki realized that if you truly wanted to leave Asgard for the man… for the peasant innkeeper… then the God of Mischief couldn’t force you to stay... or he could but if he did, he would make you hate him. Finally Loki realized that sometimes to care for someone was to set them free, but it didn't mean that Loki was alright with it.
Oh no, he was jealous of the fact that you were willing to be a bar maid instead of being a fine lady... or possibly the queen. You would disregard a bright future just to be with the man that you loved... a mortal... a no one. That was exactly the kind of deep love and dedication that Loki had been dreaming about and now that he acknowledged that he could have had it with you, he couldn’t help feeling envious… and sad. It was ironic in a way that all the things that had annoyed Loki before… the accidental meetings knowing that there had been nothing accidental about them from your part… the awkward long looks and your constant yet cheerful and completely harmless flirting had driven Loki insane and annoyed him occasionally… he now realized that those were specifically the things that he missed… the things that had brought joy into his life. So much joy in fact that now that his life was lacking them, the days felt long and dull… colorless and just… painfully boring.
When the messenger had informed Loki that you were leaving the court Loki had finally understood that he had to let you to make your own decisions… that he couldn’t force you to stay and expect you to just tolerate it. He had realized that he couldn’t tell people what to do, that people didn’t need to be subjugated or they had not been made to kneel down… or to be ruled… but to be a ruler it meant that Loki had to trust his people to follow him by their own free will. People… you needed the freedom to decide for yourself… you had the right to return to the man you loved and missed if that was what you really wanted… even if it broke Loki’s heart.
Yes… Loki was in love with you and this was the first time he admitted it to himself.
So even though Loki knew that he couldn't keep you in Asgard against your will, unless he wanted your friendship turn sour beyond the point of no return, Loki ordered Heimdall to follow you… to make sure that you got to Midgard safely. However for Loki’s surprise Heimdall told him that you had actually gone home to your parents just like you had said. This gave Loki hope; maybe you could be distracted from your feelings towards the innkeeper! Perhaps it could be done if Loki started to treat you like his queen… and therefore he had to talk to you immediately.
Maybe there was a fresh start after all.