Lee Pace / Reader (3) - Part 5
In the meantime at the art gallery Lee mingled with the guests but for some reason tonight he was quite uninterested in acting all social and talkative and on top of that he was feeling rather tired. He found himself faking smiles and constantly getting distracted when he was engaged in a conversation. He knew that it was annoying and rude that he had to constantly ask "Sorry, what?" and even though he tried his very best to focus on the topic at hand he felt his attention slipping away. There was even a moment or two when he thought he saw someone waving at him just outside the art gallery but he was unable to recognize the person due to all the reflections on the surface of the huge windows. After an hour Lee decided to leave and retire early. It had been a long week and it was getting very challenging to keep up his role of a person who loved bright lights and constant attention and therefore he sneaked out from the backdoor, took a taxi home and loosened his fine silky tie immediately after locking the door behind him.
Lee decided to check the news before taking a shower and getting to bed and soon after he had opened the television there was a quick summary of tonight's entertainment headlines. First there was nothing out of ordinary; just a brief review of the gowns and suits seen on the red carpet... but then... surprisingly the main scoop for tonight was not the event itself or any of the guests but a unrecognized woman, a fan most likely, who had been escorted by two policemen to their police car, probably because she had been arrested after trying to get in without an invitation. Lee sat down on his sofa and turned on the volume a little when the entertainment news finally began. He stared at the absurd scene of a familiar-looking woman being taken away by two officers and the reporters trying to ask questions such as "Why did you get arrested?" and "Who were you waving at?" but the woman insisted on responding with "No comments" and turning her head away from the cameras.
Then there was some speculation about what had been going on and to get a view from an insider the entertainment news had interviewed the woman who had been checking names and invitations at the door. Now there was a short clip of that interview. The woman admitted that there had been some minor disturbances during the evening and then, when asked about this specific incident, she rolled her eyes and after a scoff she slipped out "Oh, that crazy fan wanted to get in to see Lee Pace, but she was not on the guest list". The woman cleared her throat after realizing that she probably shouldn't have named anyone specific. This giving a name –thing had been very unprofessional and now this scandal could be linked to someone... and therefore she tried to save her face by stating "She... this fan... did not give up so I had to ask the police to escort her away… Otherwise the evening went very smoothly."
After that the scene was cut back to the hostess in the studio and she launched a hashtag “#CrazyFan” to be used in social media so people could help the yellow press to recognize this desperate woman. This was when it hit Lee; he recognized you even though the video footage had been very poor and shaky. He took his phone and went through his log but unfortunately he had erased all the messages and logs three weeks ago when he had gotten a warning that his phone was almost out of space. Lee cursed half-aloud and then realized that he knew where you lived. But what if you were not at home? What if you had indeed gotten arrested? Would he raid all the police stations? Surely not. You after all were not a significant person in his life. You had had the possibility to become someone very important but you had decided, for a reason or another, that you did not want to become that. However Lee was capable of admitting that the situation was not as simple as that; he was aware of the fact that he had been waiting for you to contact him even though he could also have contacted you. The thing was that the longer he had waited, the harder it had gotten to actually take the phone and make that call.
The truth was that Lee had already moved on; he had kept the hope alive for the first month but then he had come to a conclusion that you did not want to stay in touch. This had made him very sad at the time and he had tried to distract himself by going out on few dates with some actresses but somehow he had not connected with them at all. Now he saw you on television, wearing the dress he had bought for you and trying to get in without an invitation just to meet him... and as a conclusion being escorted away by the officers... probably under arrest. It meant that there was something that you had wanted to say to Lee, there was a reason why you had wanted to see him again and he had to find out what the reason was. This was partially due to curiosity but also due to a small spark of hope that had awoken when he had heard that you had tried to get in touch with him. Lee did not know where meeting you again would lead or if he even wanted it to lead anywhere but the whole thing between you and him… how it had ended more specifically, needed a closure.
Lee called a taxi and took a ride to the other side of the city. He waited almost an hour for someone to come out from your building and when someone finally did, he sneaked in and ran up the stairs. It was a beautiful, warm evening so waiting had not been bad but it had provided him an opportunity to change his mind and walk away. However, Lee had decided firmly to get closure for everything, whatever it meant, and therefore he had waited patiently. Now he was at your door. Lee stopped to catch his breath just as he was about to knock your door because he hesitated and after a couple of deep inhales, followed by equally deep exhales, he finally knocked. He waited nervously while listening to the silence, hoping that you were home and not at some police station. No one answered the door. After a little while he decided to knock again and soon after the second attempt he heard you walking in your apartment. He felt his heart starting to drum fast beneath his ribcage and when you finally opened the door, his heart almost stopped.
You heard a knock on the door and opened your eyes. "Go away, I'm not at home" you thought and decided not to open the door. You were not expecting any guests and you had no patience to deal with anyone who would try to sell you something, things or an ideology for example… besides, it was possible that the press had gotten interested in you and managed to find out who you were and where you lived. “Surely not” you thought because you did not want to think that anyone would go through the trouble… you after all were not a celebrity and you had not linked yourself to any. However soon there was a second knock, a louder and more demanding one this time and after that one you forced yourself to get up from the sofa and to open the door. You yawned and rubbed your forehead as you walked through your small apartment into the entrance hall and after taking a deep breath you unlocked and opened the door. You opened the door with the safety chain still on just a little bit and were greeted with a sight of a tall man standing at your door in the dark corridor. There were supposed to be some kind of motion sensors in the lights but in your floor they had been broken for over a month. Then it hit you; it was Lee! You closed the door, released the chain and opened the door instantly.
- Hi, may I come in? Lee asked with a friendly, deep voice.
- Be my guest. you said and welcomed him in with a simple gesture. You walked into the living room to give Lee more space to take his shoes off but this time he just followed you instantly.
- So... You came to see me. he said when you turned to face him. Lee had been thinking about all the ways he could start the conversation; he could state that it has been a while or something just as generic, but he suspected that you were well aware of the past time... two full months and therefore he did not have to point it out.
- Yeah. Made a scene. you replied and then chuckled bitterly before continuing. "I probably should have had a rain machine..." you stated and then added with a somewhat sarcastic voice "...You know, soaked dress and smudged makeup... for a more dramatic effect." Lee made a barely audible "Hm" -comment and then you said "Or perhaps I should have run through a crowded airport" as you rolled your eyes while thinking about the awkward and embarrassing events that had occurred at the art gallery. It was so unexpected and weird to talk face to face with Lee although it was what you had hoped to happen… you just had pretty much given up hope when your attempts at the art gallery had failed. Yes, you had kind of accepted the situation and decided not to pursue any old… or not that old… flame since the universe seemed to work against you. You did not believe in fate or a grand plan that would dictate your life somehow… some divine being pulling the strings and guiding people through their lives… No, you did not believe in any of that but it had certainly felt like Lee had been so close yet so far at the same time that surely there had been some magical force, in the shape of the gatekeeper-woman, keeping you apart. This you had accepted and therefore it was a big surprise to find Lee in your home, looking pretty much the same than before… so familiar.
- Or you could have just called if you wanted to talk with me. Lee stated softly yet with a somewhat neutral tone that did not really express his thoughts or feelings at all. The situation was pretty strange to him as well; to be standing in your living room staring at you, both wearing your fine eveningwear and looking at each other with rather surprised expressions on your faces. Lee had also given up hope already and he had tried to avoid thinking about you since he had made that decision. It had however been easier said than done and he had found himself many times thinking about that weekend… and especially how it had ended… That one Monday morning when you had just stormed out and left the entire thing without a closure. Lee of course had not wanted it to end… but some kind of closure would have given him peace of mind.
- Ha! you exclaimed and mumbled that you had tried but Lee's phone had been out of reach.
- Two months. Lee commented with a slightly accusing tone. “There was plenty of time to call” he added after a small pause.
- You think I do not know that? you asked with a slightly bitter tone. “That I have not been debating with myself about whether I should or should not call you” you continued and sighed. “Besides, I’m not the only one with a phone, you know? You could have called too!” you snapped when Lee looked at you with a look that made you feel like he blamed you for the entire mess. It was not your fault! Okay, it was partially your fault, but you refused to take the full blame.
- Why now? Lee asked after a rather long silence that had settled into your apartment because Lee had not comment about your statement. He did not comment it due to the fact that he did not know what to say; in a way he had already put everything behind him and in his opinion, you should have done the same thing.
- The thing is that… you said and paused to rearrange your thoughts since you wanted to make yourself understood as well as possible. “Before I met you…” you began and then explained how you had had a certain image of him, but this image had been challenged when you had spent the weekend with him. You explained that you had accepted that you had been wrong about Lee and it had been very confusing when he had told you that he had been actually pretending to be something that he was not… that he basically was the person you had originally thought him to be. You told him that you had been unsure if he had told you only what you had wanted to hear, mostly because he always portrayed his public-role so perfectly and as the days had slipped away, getting in touch had gotten more difficult. “But today, I saw you on television and for two seconds… you looked… lost” you added with a thoughtful tone and continued by stating that it had been the moment when you had realized that Lee was the person you had initially believed him to be. Lee however did not comment at all and he kept his true feelings hidden behind his calm exterior.
- So, I tried to call you but your phone was turned off. you explained and then continued “It just felt so... urgent... at the time" you stated and rubbed your arms because you were a little bit cold. “And therefore, I had to talk with you, face to face” you spoke with a little bit hesitant voice. It was getting obvious that Lee was not interested anymore, he had clearly moved on and you were the fool who had been holding all this time onto something… something that now turned out to be nothing at all. But you had to tell him now that you had a chance. You had at least say that you were sorry and to admit that Lee had not been the only one with a role that weekend. Maybe it didn’t mean anything, maybe it did… You just needed to tell him, even if it was only to get a closure.
- I wanted to tell you that I was a complete jerk... and it was unfair to just leave like that. you admitted and shifted your eyes away from Lee because you felt very naked and embarrassed for admitting those things. “I wanted to say I'm sorry... and that I understand why you pretended to be something that you're not” you continued, focused your gaze on Lee again and added “I did that too-“
- You did? Lee asked with a tone that you couldn’t interpret.
- Yeah... I wanted to fit in… and I wanted you to like… me. you stated and then tried to explain yourself better because Lee rolled his eyes, which was an automated and involuntary reaction to the ridiculousness of your statement; why had you thought that he had wanted you to be someone that you were not? After all Lee’s feet had been swept off by your kindness and good heart and not whether you liked the Hollywood –lifestyle or not. But then again, your statement or confession reminded him about the fact that that he had wanted you to like him and assumed that you liked a certain player-type… so basically he had no real right to judge you since he had done the exact thing; pretended to be someone else. “I assumed you to like a certain type and then I tried to be that... type” you admitted with a tone that was filled with deep regret. “But that is not me… And I am sorry for acting like it was” you added and shifted your gaze elsewhere because Lee’s eyes seemed to penetrate deep into your soul as he kept staring at you silently.
- So it means that we both assumed wrong. Lee summarized after thinking about what you had said for a while.
- Yeah. you sighed and chuckled a little as you rolled your eyes. It was apparent that Lee’s opinion of you had changed during the two months and most likely it meant that there was no going back. You couldn’t help feeling a bit bitter about it because Lee was clearly blaming you and that was very unfair! He had not apologized for not contacting you… he obviously blamed you and that was not right. However you did not want to start a fight and therefore you were willing to let it slide. “Hey, how do you know that I came to the art gallery tonight?” you asked instead starting to play the blame-game.
- I saw you on TV. Lee replied and then asked “Did you get arrested?” with a slightly amused tone.
- Gave me a warning this time and drove me home. you replied and folded your arms. “Was it on news?” you asked with a scoff.
- Yep, you have your own hashtag. Lee answered.
- Great... just... awesome. you mumbled. You felt your exterior was about to crack because you couldn’t help but getting worried how this publicity and embarrassment would affect your work and personal life but at this time you did not want to break down and cry and therefore you started to laugh hysterically instead.
Lee stared at you while you laughed like a maniac and he did not know what to think or feel; sure he was flattered that you had taken a risk to get your message across but on the other hand it was a bit too late now. Lee also regretted that he had waited and then moved on because you were a truly sincere and engaging person… now that you were not trying to be something that you were not. Lee however was battling with himself whether he should open himself up to you and risk getting hurt again or if it was just easier to let the bygones be bygones… to truly move on and somehow help you to do the same thing. How exactly? He did not know.
Finally you stopped laughing and when Lee focused his eyes on you, he noticed that you were actually on the edge of cracking and breaking down completely. You kept swallowing your emotions and avoiding his gaze, most likely because your eyes were filling with tears… although you tried to hide it from Lee. You took a deep breath to calm yourself and nodded with a sad smile on your face because you did not quite know what was going to happen… and if you should try to convince Lee to give you another chance or not. A part of you was too proud to beg but then again… you just wanted another chance… and this time you would get it right by being yourself… no one else. But then again… you did not want to be the one who carried the blame all by yourself. It was not right or fair either. If that was the type of relationship what Lee wanted, then maybe it was for the best if he just left now. Sure it would hurt like hell for a moment but you would get over it... eventually. The thing was that you did not want to be the one who was expected to be sorry for both of you… the one who tried to make it work by putting herself out there, like you had today. However you knew that if Lee left now it would probably break your heart…
Lee smiled at you and nodded. He turned away and walked into the entrance hall, leaving you stand alone in your living room. You stared at Lee’s back with a deeply confused expression on your face. Was this even possible?
- Are you serious? you asked with strong disbelief in your voice. Lee turned to look at you and asked
- Uhm...Excus-
- You're... going to leave... after all I just said! you stated and suddenly you felt like the last bits of your self-respect flew out from the window. You wouldn’t let go without a proper fight. You owed yourself that much even though rationally thinking every other day you would have just let him leave if that was what he wanted to do. Now however you were an emotional wreck and the way you saw it, it did not really matter if you tried one more time… Hell, you had almost gotten arrested for Lee so this was nothing, really. Lee stared at you with a puzzled look on his face and said
- I am going to-
- What more do you want me to do? you asked with a tone that was both puzzled and amused but had a slight undertone of accusation in it. Just as Lee was going to say something, you continued talking while you walked to the small entrance hall. “I got almost arrested for you, I have my own hashtag!” you stated and after a quick, sharp inhale you continued by asking “Do you want me to go out and shout it to the world?”
Lee still stared at you and he either did not know what to say or he had nothing to say to you.
- Fine, I will go. you snapped and reached to get your shoes from the shoe rack.
- What? Lee asked suddenly when he realized that you were actually putting your shoes on.
- That I'm sorry... That I didn't mean to screw it up. you stated with a groan. “That I have missed you and I want to get to know the real you... because” you continued and then added after gathering the bits and pieces of your courage, currently boosted by adrenaline and defiance, you admitted “I like you... very much.” Lee made a barely audible “Oh” –sound but otherwise he looked quite speechless… or doubtful… you couldn’t tell.
- Do you... do you want me to go out and shout it to the world? you asked after putting on your shoes. “Because I will...” you stated and gestured your tall, handsome guest to step aside from the door so you would be able to leave the apartment.
- No. Lee said immediately and refused stepping away from the door that he was blocking. You scoffed for his arrogance and just as you were about to protest, he continued by stating “I was just about to take off my shoes and jacket.” Lee smirked at you and slid his jacket off his shoulders.
- Oh...so... you're staying? you asked as you watched Lee hanging his jacket on a hanger and then reaching down to take off his shoes. “Yes” he replied and kicked his shoes off. You swallowed once and nodded firmly as you stated “Good.”
Lee put his hand on your neck and brushed the sensitive skin with his fingertips. He had not known what to expect when he had arrived to your apartment but after hearing everything you had wanted to say, he knew that you were a rare gem indeed and he would be a fool to walk away from you. He also decided to apologize for his own actions and explain himself… but later. Now there was something else that he needed to do... something that he had wanted to do since he had appeared to your doorstep with the Sword of Thranduil on that Saturday two months ago. He kept staring into your eyes and then shifted his gaze to your lips. He leaned closer, slid his hand from your neck into your hair and tangled his fingers with your locks. Lee placed his other hand on your waist and pulled you closer, holding you firmly against him, like this assuring you that he was not going anywhere... not now, not ever. He felt your heart beating fast and he knew that you were surely able to feel his heart beating with the same haste… on the verge of bursting with overwhelming happiness as he closed his eyes and let his lips brush yours, but only softly.
- Wait... what was the hashtag? you asked because the situation was making your head spin and you were almost completely sure that the air was about to run out in the room. You felt electrified but also nervous… so very nervous and that made you blabber sometimes.
- Crazy fan. Lee whispered against your lips with a smirk.
- Crazy... fan? you asked and drew back a little as you opened your eyes. You turned your head away and continued by stating “Like being taken away in a police car wasn't embarrassing enou-“
Lee guided you to look at him by pulling your hair very gently. He pushed you against the door, pressed himself against your warm body again as his intense, yet loving gaze made you lose your train of thought and turned your brain into mush. Lee knew that there were many things to talk about, many questions to be asked as well as answered and many puzzles to be solved but… not now and therefore, just as you were about to say something, he closed his eyes, leaned closer and mumbled assertively against your lips
- Shut up.