Lee Pace / Reader (3) - Part 4
Lee kept staring at the front door of your apartment as he tried to wrap his mind around what had just happened. He was relieved and happy about the fact that you were not a person who had spent time with him just because of his status and wealth, or even for the reason that he was a famous actor, the reason why you had liked the Hobbit -movies, and you had had balls to tell him directly that the guy he had pretended to be was not your type. However he was deeply shocked about the way you had just left. You had basically just walked out without even looking back, making it quite clear that you did not want to have anything to do with him. Yes, your reaction had been much stronger than Lee had ever predicted and even though he kind of understood why you had made such a big deal out of his tiny deception, there was a part of him that was now deeply hurt.
In Lee’s opinion it was unfair that you had you had just stormed out like that. Sure, you had been late from work, or would have been if you had stayed talking, or arguing, about the subject, but still, Lee did not feel that he had deserved to be treated quite like this. He after all had tried his best to make you feel special and make sure that you had had nice time. Therefore in his opinion it was quite unfair that you had just left the way you had and made no effort to settle a date to talk things through, despite all his efforts to make you like him. In Lee's opinion you owed him that much at least; to give him a chance to explain himself as well as the reasons behind his actions... calmly and without being rushed... and if you found it in yourself to jump into his shoes for a moment, it definitely couldn't hurt! To be honest, Lee felt slightly used because you had not complained when he had taken you out for a dinner or bought you nice things... things that you had clearly liked!
Lee got dressed and left your apartment without having anything for breakfast. He couldn’t stay at your place because everywhere he looked, every detail of your home, reminded him about you so he called a taxi and took a ride home, to the other side of the city. However during the long drive, being stuck in the traffic for almost an hour, his disappointment started to fade away and he began to recall all those small things that he should have noticed during the weekend; the way you had asked him not to pay your drinks and hesitated when he had taken you to the fancy restaurants. He had seen you smiling but now that he replayed the moments again in his head, Lee noticed that you had actually tried to hide the fact that you had felt very uncomfortable and the times when your smile had been genuine, had been the times when you and he had been just hanging out… on the beach… having breakfast at Lee’s place…all those occasions when money had not been included.
This realization made Lee feel like a complete idiot; he should have seen it… and he would have most likely seen it if he had stopped to look closer… but the truth was that he had been somewhat nervous and he had wanted to impress you… to basically prove you that he was not the loser that you had met on Friday evening. Yeah, that. Lee was very embarrassed that you had seen him in that condition, wallowing in self-pity and allowing himself to medicate the negative feelings with alcohol and therefore he had wanted to show you that he was actually a generous, successful person. What he had failed to understand had been that you had not stayed with him because of his fame or money… but because you had been able to see behind the self-pity and seen that there was a wonderful person hiding behind all that bullshit.
That was wonderful, well of course it was, but it also meant that just like not caring about the circumstances being bad, you had not cared about the circumstances being good either, meaning that Lee should have stopped trying so hard after buying the sword. You had been genuinely touched about the sword and it had mattered to you a lot… and most importantly… there had been a connection… a deeper reason behind giving you that gift. However everything that had then followed, the car ride, the clubbing and the shopping… it had basically been meaningless… although it had felt very meaningful for Lee at the time.
Yes, it had felt meaningful because Lee had sincerely believed that you had expected him to be that way; a person who was smooth with the ladies, showed his appreciation with material things and took them to fine places… and this was where he had gotten it wrong. Unfortunately he saw this now when he was looking at the events in retrospect. It of course was better to notice these things later than never, but in this case Lee was worried that later might be too late already, well, at least the way you had just left basically in the middle of a conversation without settling a new date or asking Lee to call you… was a clear indicator that you were not interested in knowing the real person behind the pretended one.
As the days turned into a week and there was no sign from you, no call, not even a text message, Lee decided that you did not want to have anything to do with him and therefore he did not contact you either. Sure he had first battled with many thoughts and feelings that had made you to appear as the villain of the story but as the days had passed and he had taken a closer look at the weekend you had spent together, he had finally admitted that it was very childish of him to put the blame solely on you. Especially now that he had realized that the hesitation you had had during the weekend had not been a reaction to new, unfamiliar situation but to the entire concept of being put into a setting that you had found uncomfortable… and in your own words “not real”.
Lee regretted it that he had given you an impression that his life was like that; superficial and profoundly linked with material things... that there was no real substance in it. Lee also scolded himself for almost bragging with his success, wealth and fame when actually you had not been interested in any of them. Sure you had been interested in his career and accomplishments but not because they had made him famous and rich, but because Lee was a talented actor and you appreciated his talent as it was, not as a tool to achieve material things or admiration from a fan-base. If only Lee had listened to his gut while hanging out with you.
If he had… like he did now, he would have noticed all those subtle signs that would have told him that he had been trying to impress you in an entirely wrong way. Your attraction or interest couldn’t be bought with fancy dinners and sports cars! You would have appreciated a homemade meal, prepared together with Lee and now that Lee thought about it… the only moment when you had even enjoyed speeding along the coastline had been when you had been drunk. During the earlier ride you had been very nervous... perhaps scared even. This realization had made the tall actor chuckle bitterly many times during the past days and he scolded himself for not asking you directly what you wanted to do.
Sure you could have told him that you did not want to go to the club… or… shopping… and you should have expressed your opinion but in a way Lee understood why you had not; Lee after all had been rather assertive because he had been convinced that he was being that type of person that attracted you… the one who was always on the top of the situation, the one who spared no expenses when he wanted to treat her lady… the guy who was smooth with women and presented himself with full confidence. Unfortunately that was not the guy that you had been interested in, on the contrary actually… it had been the guy who had gotten rejected, the guy who you did not want to include into your life. Sadly enough the truth was that Lee was not even that person... but for the mistake he had made and the poorly handled aftermath you would never get to know it.
You continued living your life as you had lived it before meeting Lee. The first few days you were somewhat pissed off about the fact that Lee had lied to you and then somehow just assumed that it was alright for him to just confess that he had been pretending to be someone else and expected you to be fine with it. What if you had agreed to go on the second date? Would he have continued by putting up the same show? Or would he have had the guts to show the real person behind the pretense? What if he was actually the person he had been but when you had told him that he was not your type, he had just lied then? It was possible, but why would he have done that? It was a particularly good question because if he really was as superficial, shallow and materialistic person as he had been during the weekend, why he would have even wanted to have you in his life when you so clearly were different and had different values in life?
At this point you had to admit to yourself that you had not been completely honest either; you should have told him that you did not feel comfortable with the activities that Lee had arranged to for you and him but instead of grabbing his arm and telling him to stop the ridiculousness, you had just gone with it which had given an impression that you had actually enjoyed the nonsense. You realized it now that you had gotten a little bit of distance to the weekend and now you regretted that you had stormed out like you had. You had not even suggested to continue the discussion later or asked him if it was alright if you called in the evening after work. Yep, you had just left and told him to lock the door behind him.
You scolded yourself for not realizing that Lee had tried to impress you… which kind of made sense considering the circumstances you had met him and the state he had been in on that Friday evening. Well of course he had wanted to give a good second-impression after screwing up the first one… but what he had failed to realize was that what he had assumed to be “good” had not been good in your opinion. That of course was something what he could have realized pretty easily if he had just paid a bit more attention to your reactions and body language, basically to the way you had hesitated and showed slight signs of discomfort… but then again, Lee did not know you and he was not a mind reader either. And therefore the combination of his insecurity and willingness to impress you and your incapability to tell him to, well, cut the bullshit, had then screwed up both of you and led into this situation where you were both too nervous to contact the other and secretly hoping the other one to make the first move.
It was not easy. Oh, it wasn’t… just to wait and check your phone constantly. The reason why you did not call Lee or send him a message was that you assumed that you had offended him so deeply that he did not want to have anything to do with you anymore. You blamed yourself for not noticing his insecurity, which in retrospect had been quite obvious. Now that you went through the weekend, played it over and over again in your head, you noticed things in Lee’s expressions, tone and body language what you had not noticed at the time. Well, sure, Lee was a talented actor and he had played the role of the smooth ladies’ man very well, but there was a small voice inside your head telling you that you should have been able to read him better. Whether it would have or have not been realistically speaking possible was a completely different matter but you couldn’t help thinking that you should have done something differently and your actions, or lack thereof, had hurt Lee in such way that he did not want to have you in his life.
What did not make it any easier for you was that when you saw Lee on television, online… an article about him in a magazine, you every time saw the public-person, portrayed so flawlessly that it made you think that maybe you had been wrong all along. You see, you had never paid attention to Lee’s public image because you had thought that he kept his private life separate from his public life like that, but then you had spent time with him and ironically he had not been the person you had assumed him to be… until you had told him that he was not your type. Yes, that had been the moment when he had told you that he had been pretending to be something that he was not… but now that you saw him playing that supposedly pretended character again… it made you even more confused about who he really was! Could a person play a role so perfectly? Wouldn’t it be only natural to have a small… at least a tiny… crack in that role? Unless of course it was not a role after all.
However one evening, almost exactly two months after meeting Lee Pace you were at home, cleaning your apartment with your TV on the background when you suddenly heard the familiar voice. You stopped what you were doing, walked to the TV and sat down on your sofa to watch the interview for a moment. Lee looked very dashing as always, wearing a black sharp suit this time and apparently he was attending a charity-event that was taking place in an art gallery, downtown. It was so strange how seeing him on television and hearing him talking with that deep, warm tone of his made you recall what it had been like to spend time with him and how wonderful it had felt when he had smiled at you... you even got a vivid flashback of waking up with him on that Monday morning, his warm embrace, his chest against your cheek rising and falling peacefully in the rhythm of his calm breathing. You had been thinking about all these things so much during the past weeks and even though it made no sense, considering that you had spent only that one weekend with him, you had not been able to let him go. It was almost pathetic how Lee had been in your thoughts when you had woken up in the morning and when you had fallen asleep in the evening... and he had been pretty much in your mind in between as well. Even despite the fact that you had gone out on a couple of first dates with two other guys between that Monday and the current moment. Yes, you had tried to forget Lee by distracting yourself with the company of someone else, but it had been a pathetic attempt, doomed to fail miserably. This… whatever it was what you felt for Lee… was more than just a celebrity crush... this was...
Suddenly the interview was over and Lee moved forward on the red carpet to be photographed by the paparazzi. You sighed as you heard Lee saying "Goodbye" to the interviewer and after that you stared at the screen even though the interview was over, just thinking about the possibility that you could have perhaps been there with him… supporting him and standing beside him. You even had a perfect dress for an occasion like that! Yes, the one that Lee had bought you… the dress you had not worn and still had the tags on as it hung neatly in your closet. But then you reminded yourself about the fact that Lee did not need your support, that he handled these situations perfectly because that was who he was... and it had been you who had assumed him to be something else. This charming and charismatic celebrity was clearly who Lee was deep down... it was not an act and you had to accept it. Yes, you had to accept it and move on.
You nodded firmly and as the first step of this "moving on" you took the remote, inhaled sharply, held your breath and then exhaled slowly. You closed your eyes for a moment and said farewells to Lee silently in your mind, hoping that this would bring you peace. Then you opened your eyes but just as you were about to turn off the TV, the interviewer was now chatting with another celebrity anyway, a singer or something, and it did not interest you at all, you suddenly noticed Lee on the background looking quite lost, sad and… lonely. The moment lasted only a couple of seconds but during this time there was a small crack in his public character... a small, yet visible crack in his role which made you convinced that he had told you the truth after all! Then the moment was gone when a photographer asked Lee to turn to him to be photographed. That was it! That was the proof that you had been looking for! It was the evidence that there was more to him than what was visible in public; TV, magazines or online.
You took your phone and called Lee but his number… the number that you had almost deleted from your log many times… couldn’t be reached. “His phone must be turned off” you mumbled to yourself and decided to go to the event to talk with him face to face. You took a couple of shallow gasps and ran into your bedroom to change your clothes, removed the tags from the gorgeous cocktail dress and put it on. You put some makeup, brushed your hair and then stormed out wearing very casual shoes that did not go with the dress at all. You basically ran to the bus stop, hopped on the first bus that stopped there and after a thirty-minute-drive you were outside the art gallery.
You tried to call Lee a couple of times but his phone couldn’t be reached so you took a deep breath, gathered all the bits and pieces of your courage, told your shaking nerves to shut up and walked to the main entrance of the gallery. There were people standing in line, waiting to get in and during that time, just queuing outside, you had a chance to think what exactly it was what you wanted to say. Well, first of all, you wanted to apologize for being so cold and leaving like that… then you also wanted to tell Lee that you had missed him… and… that you understood why he had behaved the way he had and you had pretended to be someone you were not as well. You felt your hands getting sweaty as you got nearer to the door, sometimes trying to find Lee in the crowd of people… And then you did… after scanning the room for some minutes you finally noticed him, talking with people and holding a glass of champagne. You tried to wave at him, he was standing with his face towards you, but just as he was about to shift his focus from the people he was talking with, you heard a polite female voice talking to you.
- Good evening, Miss. the lady at the main door said when it was your turn to get in.
- Yeah, hi. you said nervously, still keeping your eyes fixed on Lee who was standing fairly close to the big windows.
- Your name? the woman asked politely.
- (Y/N). you answered as an automated reaction while trying to wave at Lee… who did not notice you and finally turned his back on the windows. The woman scrolled the tablet-device she had in her hands for a moment and then shifted her gaze from the screen to you.
- I'm sorry, you're not on the list. she said and gestured you to step aside.
- I know... you commented, sighed out of disappointment and then continued by stating with great urgency in your voice “…But I need to talk with Lee Pace.”
- Excuse me? the woman asked with a confused tone.
- Lee Pace. you repeated and then added “I know he is inside. I need to talk with him” with a serious tone.
- I'm sorry, but you're not on the list. the woman repeated and shifted her focus for a fraction of a moment on the security guys next to the entrance while she was still smiling at you.
- Just please, let me in. you pleaded. “I'll be quick... Give me... five minutes.” you continued and then corrected yourself by saying “Most likely... I'll need one minute” because you were not sure at all if Lee even wanted to talk with you. Yeah, it was possible that the conversation would be over before even starting, if Lee saw you and then chose to ignore you… or caused a scene and publicly embarrassed you… or something in between. Maybe he did not remember you anymore. It after all had been almost precisely two full months since you had met him... and seen him for the last time... and even though he had liked you a lot then there was no guarantee that he would like you anymore. Perhaps you had kept the hope... the memory of the time you had shared together, alive all by yourself... Maybe you were the fool who was still holding onto a fantasy. Yes, the fantasy that you had created in your own head but was not real at all.
- I cannot let you in. the woman said politely and then added with a less friendly and firm voice “Please step aside, Miss.”
- Then ask someone to bring him out. you suggested with a hopeful tone. The woman rolled her eyes and nodded at the security guys.
- Miss, please step aside. she repeated with a tone that was even firmer and significantly more assertive than before. However her arrogant, fake-polite and condescending attitude irritated you and therefore without actually thinking about it any further, you stated equally firmly “No!” You folded your eyes and stared defiantly straight into the woman’s eyes and smirked at her partially involuntarily. Deep down you knew that being an asshole towards the one person who was in charge of letting people in, the gatekeeper, was not smart and wouldn’t benefit you in any way but the feeling of urgency and the “now or never” mindset that you were in was clouding your rational mind and making you present your deepest thoughts without a proper filter. The lady at the door scoffed at your arrogance and repeated “Step aside.”
- No, not until I have talked with Mr. Pace. you stated and perfected your posture to appear taller than her. At this point you cursed that you had not taken the time to find your high heels because if you had, you would have been taller than the woman and it would have given you a mental upper hand… kind of.
- You must leave now... the woman stated and then continued “…Or else I have to ask the police to remove you.”
- You'll do what you have to do... you commented and then added “…But I will not leave voluntarily until I have talked with Mr. Pace.” The woman rolled her eyes and shifted her attention to the security guards.
- Hey guys, we have a stubborn fan here at the main entrance. the woman said to the three men dressed in black suits who then informed the police forces that were keeping an eye on the army of enthusiastic fans patrolling around the red carpet.
- I am not a fan! you exclaimed and then added “I know him!”
- That is what they all say. the woman commented and rolled her eyes again. She noticed two policemen, younger and older, walking towards the main entrance with the security guards and gestured them to join you and her at the doorway.
- No… you stated and took a quick glance at the approaching police. “I really-“ you said but your statement was cut short when the younger policemen asked “What seems to be the problem?” with a serious, yet polite voice.
- Evening officer, Miss (Y/N) is not on the guest list but she refuses to step aside. the woman said and gestured the officers to move aside with you to sort it out. You did not dare to resist the policemen and stepped away from the door. Maybe if you explained the situation to them, they would see that you really had to get in.
- Yeah because I really... really need to talk Mr. Pace who is... you said and turned to look in from the large window. “…Right there!” you said and pointed at the tallest person in the room. “I can literally see him!” you stated with a somewhat desperate tone as you tried to catch his attention by waving your arms again. However Lee was concentrated on the conversation that he was having with a friend of his and therefore he did not notice you. Besides it was not that easy to see out from a brightly lid showroom into the somewhat dark front yard because the large windows were almost like huge mirrors reflecting light back into the room and therefore preventing the people inside from seeing out.
- Miss, you must leave now. the younger police said with an assertive tone that mimicked the man's attitude as well as his authority perfectly. It clearly was not the first time he was dealing with an over-enthusiastic fan girl, most likely he had been dealing with those the entire evening already.
- I will not leave until I have talked with Lee. you stated just as firmly and folded your arms again. You knew that you were taking a risk of getting arrested for resisting the police but you couldn't just give up that easily and therefore you debated with the younger officer for a moment. However despite all your best efforts to explain your situation without sharing too many details and assuring them that you did not mean to cause any harm, the older police shook his head and gestured you to shut up.
- Alright, that's it. the older police, who had not said anything until now, stated and grabbed your arm firmly. He gestured to the younger policeman to do the same thing and together they started to escort you away from the art gallery. You tried to resist them once but it made no difference and therefore you decided to follow them to their police car. You rolled your eyes when you saw the reporters noticing the drama that was unfolding right in front of their eyes and suddenly you were the most interesting person outside the art gallery.
The reporters asked you many questions about what was going on as the policemen escorted you to their car but you decided to answer with the most generic “No comments” -response because you did not want to embarrass Lee or link this drama to him in any way. Sure that could have been a way to catch his attention but it could have potentially also pushed him away and made you look like an attention whore. You sighed and took a final quick glance at the art gallery when you arrived to the police car. The older policeman opened the door for you and the younger one made sure that you sat down on the backseat without hitting your head. Then they got in as well, on the front seats and drove away. The younger police asked you a couple of times why you had tried to get in without being on the list and why you had insisted on talking with one of the guests, but you chose not to explain yourself any further. You would explain everything if you got arrested but fortunately the older officer soon asked for your home address and told you that there was no need to take you to the police station... "If you promise that you will not leave home tonight" he stated and after getting a confirmation from you, he told you that they would let you off the hook with a warning. "This time" the younger police added and took a quick, sharp look at you. You smiled a little, nodded and a thanked the policemen for letting it slide and giving you a ride home. When you finally got home, you just fell on the sofa to stare at the ceiling and to mock yourself for being such an idiot.
...to be continued... (??)