Legolas / Reader (3) - Part 5
Legolas kept his forehead pressed against yours for many minutes without saying anything, keeping his eyes closed and just processing the fact that he had finally found you. He had been informed right after Aragorn’s coronation about the fact that you had been taken from Lothlorien to Rivendell and from Rivendell further Valinor as your destination and he had instantly known that you had not sailed away. Oh no, you were still in Middle Earth and Legolas had been able to feel it. Having you in his heart had been the carrying force that had given him courage and strength to fight the shadows, the evil that had been spreading from Mordor and finally he had watched Sauron being destroyed for good.
This, knowing in his heart that you had not sailed away, however had raised serious questions; if the elvish entourage had indeed sailed beyond the distant horizon but you had not… where were you then? This question had pushed the elven prince to the verge of panic because he has immediately painted a gruesome picture of all the dangers that had been lurking in the dark corners of Middle Earth. Legolas had known that you were alive and you were in Middle Earth which meant that you had not returned to your world but the problem was that the elf prince had no idea of your location at the time. You could have been basically anywhere but the most reasonable place to start searching had been the neighborhood of the Gray Havens.
What had worried Legolas even more than the dangers such as orcs and other enemies was the fact that he feared that you thought that he had arranged you to be taken to Valinor. You of course had been told that Legolas didn’t even know about the transfer but the elf himself didn’t know this. Even now that he was with you, his heart almost bursting from relief and overwhelming joy, he was nervous deep down that you would push him away, call off the engagement and tell him that you did not love him anymore.
Yes that. You had been apart from Legolas much longer than you had even known him and during the long winter you had spent in Hobbiton you had pretty much let him go. The truth was that if you had stumbled on the gateway between the worlds you most likely would have just jumped right in and hoped to end up on the other side, to your modern world. You knew that it would have probably been cruel towards Legolas, especially after Arwen had informed you about the seriousness of the elven feelings and about the fact that when the elves fell in love, their hearts never let go and this undying love would most likely turn into grief that would eventually claim the life of the elf.
Seeing Legolas and being close to him was strange. You had fantasized about this moment countless times but now that the moment was finally here it felt nothing like you had expected; you had pictured the moment to be filled with joy and relief but actually you were now completely exhausted and unable to get a firm grasp of the situation. Of course you had been so very happy when you had turned around and seen Legolas standing only five meters away from you but now that you were standing in front of him with your eyes closed, pressing your forehead against his you realized that instead of jumping for joy you did not really know what to say or do. You knew that you should have been cheerful and excited but… you were not. Oh no, you were not particularly cheerful or excited, pretty much the opposite now that the adrenaline rush of seeing the elf prince again had worn off a little, and this made you feel guilty.
- My love. Legolas sighed because he was able to sense that something was troubling you. He of course assumed immediately that you thought that he had ordered you to be taken to Valinor, which of course was not the case; you did not think so and you knew for a fact that he had not given such order.
You stepped back and sniffled once as you shifted your gaze elsewhere from Legolas, which was a gesture that made the elf sigh out of disappointment and a sting that he felt in his heart. You felt confused and your mind was filled with conflicted thoughts; on the other hand this was what you had wanted, to be rejoined with Legolas who was the man you had fallen in love with, but then again this world… these people… the customs… everything just felt so unfamiliar to you that you did not really know what you were supposed to think or feel… Or you did, you knew that you should have felt everything but confused and conflicted. However the truth was that you had changed during the winter and now you were afraid that you were not the person that Legolas loved anymore. What if he noticed it as well and decided to walk away? Or what if he didn’t and therefore assumed that nothing had changed?
- Please look at me. Legolas pleaded with a calm, soft voice. You hesitated for a moment and shifted your gaze back to Legolas although you kept avoiding meeting his eyes for a moment more.
- You look awfully tired. Legolas stated instead of starting to explain anything. There was time for explanations but the time was not now. He noticed the inn and decided that the best thing to do was to get a room and make you rest for a moment, a day or two.
Legolas put his hand on the small of your back and walked you to the inn. He took care of the reservation and then gently guided you into a cozy room that had a fireplace, a large and fairly comfortable –looking bed and a view to the marketplace. Legolas walked you to the bed and sat you down on the edge, went to the window and closed the curtains which made the room rather dark. After that he returned to you, sat beside you and put his hand over yours as you rested your hands on your lap. Legolas did not know what to say because you seemed distant and therefore he got even more scared that you blamed him for the ordeals that you had gone through.
- I know. you managed to say eventually after a long, depressing silence.
- Know what, my lady? Legolas asked immediately with a concerned tone and held his breath while you replied.
- I know that you did not have anything to do with… you said and took a deep breath before adding “It” with a barely audible tone. Legolas knew immediately what “it” meant and he gasped for breath as he felt the huge weight of fearing the worst melting away from his shoulders. However despite hearing this was a relief, it raised more questions to which Legolas needed answers. He needed them so he would know exactly where he was standing and what your relation with him was.
- I would have never made such decision behind your back. You must believe me. Legolas said and squeezed your hand. He would have wanted to place his hand on your cheek and guide you to look at him but he did not dare to do so. “I felt that you were in Middle Earth and therefore I had no idea-“ he continued until you interrupted him by saying “I know”.
- So why this distance, my lady? he asked with a slightly puzzled tone. “Have your feelings changed?” he added with a shaky, barely audible tone.
- I’m just tired. you replied and then sighed “So exhausted” and dropped your head. This indeed was not how you had pictured the reunion to be.
- Of course! Legolas exclaimed and then continued by saying “Please, lay down.” He tucked you in and then stood up.
- Aren’t you going to rest with me? you asked with a puzzled tone. It was somewhat clear that the elf prince was disappointed and sad that the time as well as the distance had affected your feelings and pushed you away from him but at the current moment you did not really know how to make it better. Hell, you did not even know if you wanted it to get better.
- In a moment, Lady (Y/N). Now however I must send a word to my father in Mirkwood that we are coming home soon. Legolas spoke as he walked around in the room and suddenly stopped. He realized that he did not know if you wanted to follow him to Mirkwood which was his home realm. Maybe you wanted him to take you back to the gateway between the worlds… Yes, Legolas knew where it was.
- If that is what you want, my lady. he said without turning to look at you.
- Want… what? you asked and sat up even though your body felt ten times heavier than it usually did and therefore anything but laying down against the soft mattress and the big feather-filled pillows was a struggle.
- To spend your life with me. Legolas sighed and turned to look at you with a slightly sorrowful smile on his face.
You shifted your gaze away from Legolas as an involuntary reaction and sighed because you did not actually know what you wanted; on the other hand you found the prince very attractive and you still remembered the precious moments that you had spent with him in Lothlorien but then again… at some point you had fallen out from love and therefore it was impossible for you to say whether you wanted to spend the life with Legolas or not. You noticed the smile fading away from Legolas’ face as he waited for you to say something. Then suddenly he nodded and stated
- I remember where our paths crossed.
It meant that Legolas knew where the pond was, which meant that maybe if you were lucky the portal was still there as well. You swallowed once and stared at the blonde, tall man with a puzzled look on your face. “Sometimes loving someone means letting them go” Legolas mumbled and shifted his gaze elsewhere. He took a deep breath and focused his gaze back to you. “Sleep now” he said and told you that he would come back soon. You lay down and stared at the ceiling until your eyelids got too heavy and you fell asleep.
Legolas left the room and closed the door behind him. He walked a couple of steps and then stopped because he suddenly felt the world spinning around him. He felt his breath getting stuck into his throat and a wave of heartbreak washing over him like an icy wind blowing from the north. He had dreamt about meeting you again so many times, played the scenario over and over again in his mind, planned how he would embrace you and worship you with adoring kisses but now, for some reason, it seemed that the reality was not matching the dream at all.
The prince pushed these feelings aside and walked into the lobby, asked for a piece of paper, a bottle of ink and a quill so he could write a letter to his father, the king of Mirkwood. Legolas wrote the letter with beautiful handwriting, drawing the elvish letters with great care and skill and then gave the letter to the innkeeper so he would call a messenger who would then take the letter to Thranduil. He however did not mention anything about you because it was not certain at all that you would follow him to Mirkwood despite all the previous plans. After this Legolas arranged the dinner to be served in the room and returned upstairs where you were deep asleep.
Legolas lay down next to you and rolled on his side to look at you as you slept. He had been gone less than an hour but even during this brief moment he had started to miss you more than ever before. Maybe it was the notion that he might lose you for good and these moments were the last ones that he was ever going to spend with you… if you asked him to take you back to the pond, that was. Legolas knew that he could never force you to stay and follow him to Mirkwood, he would never force you to marry him and if you wanted to go home, then Legolas would have no other choice than to take you to the place where your paths had crossed less than a year ago… even though it would surely doom him into an eternal darkness. Was this, letting you go, why he had survived the horrors of war? Was it worth it? With these tormenting thoughts Legolas fell asleep, right next to you but still so far away from you.
Legolas had restless dreams about that one morning when he had left you as the fellowship had moved on from Lothlorien. Then the dream changed and he found himself trapped on the battlefield with a troubling feeling in his heart that you were no longer in Middle Earth. He tried to call your name but every sound he made got muffled by the sounds of ongoing battles where his friends died and he was being left alone. In his dream the fellowship had failed and the world had plunged into darkness where the evil forces ruled.
You recoiled from your sleep after many hours when you heard Legolas speaking in his sleep. The setting sun was shining from the gap between the curtains, coloring Legolas’ hair golden as the fading rays of light kissed the fair features of the prince. You stared at Legolas for a moment and then moved closer to him, placed your hand on his cheek and brushed the skin of his face softly with your fingertips. You traced his dark eyebrows, nose, jaw and finally his lips that were slightly parted as he was sleeping on his back with a deeply sorrowful look on his face. It was easy to see that he was distressed and unable to escape the things that weighed on his shoulders because they followed him into his dreams as well.
To see the elf like this was heartbreaking. It was heartbreaking and brutal especially because you knew that Legolas was a man who was ready to give up his own happiness for you, to let you go even if it meant that the heartbreak would kill him slowly and painfully. You leaned closer and brushed your nose against his a couple of times before pressing a soft kiss on his lips. Legolas’ lips soft and they felt strangely familiar even though it had been many months since you had kissed him the last time. However his lips were cold and now that you paid more attention to his face, you noticed dark circles under his eyes which made you worried. You drew back and pressed your hand on Legolas’ neck, brushed his cheek with your thumb as you tried to figure out whether you were just imagining it or not; was Legolas’ skin cold? Were your eyes lying when you saw that he looked lifeless and deeply troubled?
You opened the tunic that Legolas was wearing a little and pressed your hand on his chest. His heart was beating slowly, in such way that it made you even more concerned. Had your hesitation already broken his heart? Was he actually fading away from heartbreak? He, Legolas… the man who would have done anything for you, given the moon from the sky to you if that made you happy. You did not want him to be doomed to such fate and therefore you decided that you would at least try to fall back in love with the prince. You see, Legolas was not to blame for you ending up in Middle Earth and if you had not met him, you would have surely died… most likely during the first night due to the hypothermia, besides the elf had always treated with utmost respect and therefore, for all these reasons, he did not deserve to fade away and die in agony.
- Oh dear Legolas. you sighed and made sure that he was entirely covered with the blanket. “I will not leave you” you added and pressed a soft kiss on his lips before wrapping your arm around him and snuggling close to sleep some more.
There was a knock on the door that woke you up again. You got up from the bed and walked to the door, opened it and welcomed the servant in. The servant was carrying a tray of different dinner items and placed it on a small table that was located next to the window. You asked her to arrange a bath for you and your fiancée and then dismissed her. The servant said “Very well, my Lady”, left the room and closed the door behind her. You walked to the bed and sat on the edge next to sleeping Legolas. He did not look as lifeless as he had looked before which made you feel relieved and happy. You brushed his golden hair and gently lured him back from the land of dreams.
- The dinner arrived. you said and brushed Legolas’ cheek softly with the back of your fingers. You smiled at him as he woke up and opened his eyes but then he gained full consciousness and jerked a little from your touch which made you immediately back away, both mentally and physically. You pulled your hand away and moved a little bit further on the edge of the bed where you were sitting.
- Do you feel like getting up? you asked with a friendly tone. You were embarrassed that you had been so bold and actually caressed the cheek of the elf prince… like you had been a child who had been caught at the cookie jar with her hand elbow-deep in the jar. Legolas looked at you with a puzzled expression on his face, trying his very best to decipher your actions and read your thoughts. He scolded himself for reacting the way he had, basically rejecting you but the fact was that he had just been surprised… caught off guard in a way since he had not expected you to get so close to him, considering that you had been the one keeping distance before taking the nap.
- Yes, my lo- Legolas said and then corrected himself by saying “Lady”. He wanted to call you his love but as long as he didn’t know what your feelings for him were, he restrained himself and called you “my lady” instead.
- You slept quite restlessly. Did you have nightmares? you asked and stood up. You walked to the table, filled two glasses with wine and handed one of the glasses to Legolas as soon as he had gotten up from bed. Legolas stayed quiet for a moment as the wondered what to answer to you; he did not want to lie, but he did not want to make you feel guilty by telling you the truth either. The truth that was that in his dream he had lost you and that had caused him far greater pain than the fact that Sauron had won the war. In the dream, just a moment before waking up, Legolas had embraced the darkness because nothing had really mattered without you and therefore he had not cared that Sauron had killed all his friends and destroyed everything Legolas loved. However Legolas did not want you to know this since he didn’t want you to feel guilty for his state of despair.
- Just dreams of war. Legolas replied and sipped some wine. It was cheap wine of the mortals and it tasted bitter.
- I can imagine that the war was horrible. you commented with a cautious, yet emphatic tone as you returned to the table and sat down in a chair that was by it. You gestured Legolas to join you and put the plates ready for you and him.
- Can you? Legolas asked bitterly. However his tone made the question sound like an attack in your ears and after quickly gathering your thoughts you snapped back by stating “We do have wars in…” but as soon as you realized what you were saying, you stopped talking and noticed Legolas staring at you with a fake-smile on his face; a smile that was supposed to put you at ease… to assure you that Legolas was not offended or disappointed. The smile however made the elf prince look heartbroken… even more than his neutral, yet serious expression.
Legolas knew what you had been about to say; my world. This reminder of the fact that your home was somewhere else crushed the heart of the young elf lord but he did not want you to see it. Legolas regretted snapping at you so defiantly and he felt bad for pushing you away with his every action, which was exactly opposite of what he wanted to do. He felt like he managed to say the wrong things, look at you in the wrong way… which was definitely not helping... even the moments when he was not saying anything… even those worked against him.
The elf prince did not want you to feel bad or guilty for missing your home… your world… and he was painfully aware that you had not seen him for a long time and therefore it was only understandable if your feelings towards him had changed… but after everything that had happened, especially after a dream like he had just had, Legolas was unable to mask his true feelings perfectly and therefore he looked even sadder when he smiled because his smile looked forced. Legolas took a deep breath and said
- I apologize-
- No need. you said and interrupted him. Then you continued by admitting “You’re right.” Legolas walked to the table and sat down on the opposite side from you.
- I have never witnessed the horrors of war. you stated and then added with a barely audible tone “First hand at least… only on television.” Legolas shifted his gaze from the plate to you and raised his eyebrow as he asked “A… television?”
- Yeah… It is a sort of… seeing device. you explained with a hesitant tone, paused for a moment and then just continued by saying “Never mind.” This was followed by an awkward silence which grew more depressing by every passing moment and got harder to break. You both started to eat so the dinner wouldn’t get cold and fortunately eating offered you both a less awkward way to keep avoiding each other.
You wanted so much to tell Legolas that you were willing to try again, to stay in Middle Earth and to follow the elf prince wherever his path took him, but on the other hand the thought about following a stranger terrified you. You knew that you had basically already decided that you would not leave him because you did not want to see him suffer but then again, now that you were both sitting by the small table… just the two of you… you had never felt so distant from anyone in your life. It was almost like Legolas had built an invisible wall around him… and sure, you had pushed him away at first but now… suddenly the tables had been turned and the setting was upside down; you were the one who was trying to get into contact with the elf who was constantly slipping further away from you, when just a moment ago, he had been the one trying to reach you.
The maid knocked the door and announced that the bath was ready in the guest bathroom, right down the hall. She also mentioned that there were towels as well as dressing robes in the cupboard by the door for you and your fiancée to use. You replied “Alright” and collected your and Legolas’ plates since you had finished the awkwardly silent dinner a moment ago. You took the tray to the door and called for the maid to take it back to the kitchen since you were already finished. You asked her to fill the wine carafe and to bring some fruits into the room so there would be something to eat as a snack after the bath.
- I really need a bath. you sighed and stretched your back a bit. You found a towel as well as a dressing robe in a closet and just as you were about to leave the room, you turned back to look at Legolas who was now standing by the window and staring out at the dark, empty marketplace.
- You know… Legolas, you’re most welcome to join me. you said and turned away again with a deep sense of hopelessness filling your mind as well as your body. It was the moment when you admitted to yourself that there was no point to stay in Middle Earth if your relationship with Legolas was going to be like this… basically nonexistent.
It was not like you had not been thinking about leaving Middle Earth and returning to your own world, if that was even possible, that was. Oh, on the contrary, you had been thinking about it a lot but there had been a spark of genuine determination and willingness to try again when you had guarded Legolas’ sleep and worried for his wellbeing. However the constant awkwardness of having this distance between you and him was really making you question your promise. Yes, you had promised Legolas that you wouldn’t leave him… although most likely he had not even heard you, so in a way your promise had no real value and therefore breaking your word would merely make you disappointed in yourself, although you were quite sure that you would be able to reason your way out from the guilt somehow. This after all was not your world and if there was no future with Legolas, who was the only thing keeping you in Middle Earth, there really was no point for you to stay.
But perhaps that was for the best, to leave… to continue with your lives and take the different paths. Maybe your brief affair with the elf prince had been the one thing that had helped you and him to survive, given hope to both of you when you had needed it so badly. However the war was now over. Maybe Legolas would soon realize that he didn’t really need you. That the love he had felt for you had been just an illusion… a way to escape the reality, even just for a small moment. Perhaps Legolas had now, during this evening that he had spent with you in an exhausting silence, realized that he did not really love you after all… Not you-you… but an idea of loving someone and you had just happened to be there in the right place at the right time… which had made that someone to be you.
You waited impatiently for Legolas to say something, to comment on your invitation but all you got in return was silence and this time you did not dare to turn back to look at the elf prince who had not moved from the window at all. It was almost like he had lost his ability to say or do anything and it really bothered you. It bothered and annoyed you but not in a way that would have pissed you off to the point of open confrontation, but it more like ate you alive from inside, doubt crawling under your skin and corrupting any piece of hope that you might have had for the future.
The cruel thing was that deep down you knew that you were the one to blame for this; you should have welcomed Legolas back with open arms… but too much had happened, too much time had passed and therefore your head had been in a terrible disorder… well, especially after the adrenaline rush mixed with all those feel-good-hormones had subsided. Now everything was a mess and you had no clue how to fix it. After contemplating the situation for a fraction of a moment silently in your head, you took a deep breath, opened the door and then spoke softly “I will be waiting” before leaving the room and stepping into the chilly hallway.