Loki / Reader (5) - Part 4
- So, a bar maid. Loki stated with a tone that was both amused and filled with disapproval. “Your parents would be so proud” he added sarcastically. You stepped into the room and closed the door behind you. Normally you would have bowed or dropped a curtsy and the gesture would have come very naturally from you but not this time. Oh no, this time you fought the urge to show any kind of submission towards Loki. Sure you had been raised to express your respect and allegiance towards the king but first of all you were not in Asgard and secondly you were not the same person anymore.
Yes, you had been naïve, you saw it now and even though the image that Loki had of you was incorrect and despite the fact that you had liked the person that you had been… you couldn’t be that person anymore. It was almost like you had lost your innocence and you had been corrupted when Loki had said those mean things to you. Your heart had been broken, you had been mentally shattered… you had fallen so low that you had taken a conscious risk and stepped into another world even though you had not known what was on the other side. You had been lost, alone and cold, even in a real danger… but you had survived. You had fought for your life and that was something that no one could take away from you, not even Loki.
In a way you had found yourself in the forest and even though you had been mentally torn apart, even so broken that you had thought about ending your own life after finding your way out from the forest, you had prevailed and that was something to be proud of. This however meant that you were now beyond being just a pretty lady in the court and therefore you couldn’t allow yourself to behave like you would have behaved before. Oh no, because that lady had died in the forest and from the turmoil and pain, both physical and emotional, you had been reborn.
- Why are you here? you asked with an emotionless tone. You knew that you were not the lady who had left Asgard anymore but seeing Loki was making recall that person. You wanted to hate Loki, but the fact was that you did not hate him. However this new person did not love him either… or did… but it was complicated. Loki noticed immediately that you reaction for him was different; first of all, you did not smile or express in any way that you were happy to see him and secondly you did not show him allegiance by bowing, dropping a curtsy or even by nodding.
Loki did not know what he had expected to find… but one thing was for certain; this was not it. He had assumed to find you crying and running into his arms, into the arms of your savior, but instead of doing so, you just challenged him by scanning him with your eyes and reading his every expression in great detail. In return Loki was unable to read you despite his telepathic abilities and this provided Loki an epiphany that he had never been able to read your mind… that he had assumed to know your character but completely missed the fact that he had never bothered to actually get to know you. Maybe this person had been inside you all along but you had just kept her hidden behind the cheerful exterior.
Loki had sensed it in you immediately when you had stepped into the room. He had sensed that you had changed and this change, the realization that he did not know you and most likely never had known you, was bringing the worst out of him; he was being rude and sarcastic even though he had missed you and come here to take you home. Yes, Loki had finally faced the fact that without you his life had a hole in it, a hole filled with cold void that was sucking the warmth and colors out from his existence, but being forced to admit that he had never known you for real was making him insecure and this was manifesting itself as sarcasm and involuntary rudeness.
- I really didn't think you had it in you. he stated and folded his arms. You walked to the table, took the candle and lighted a couple of candles more because the daylight was already fading away and one candle was not enough to illuminate the room enough. Oh no, the light of just one candle was quite romantic and few weeks earlier you would have given anything to be in such setting with the king. Now however you were anxious to remove any bit of romance from the setting.
- I see, you came here to insult me a bit more. you commented and put the candle back on the table.
- No, I came to take you home. Loki replied calmly. “Take me home” you scoffed and then turned to face Loki again.
- How did you find me anyway? you asked with your gaze firmly fixed upon the God of Mischief because you did not want to seem hesitant and you were afraid that if you avoided his gaze you would appear that way.
- Heimdall sees everyone. Loki commented and shifted his weight from his left leg to the right.
- Should have guessed. you mumbled to yourself as you shook your head a little.
- He said that your spirit is fading... Loki stated, clearly irritated by your newly found confidence. “He said that you might take your own life” Loki added. The truth was that the thought of you taking your own life terrified him but he did not want to show it to you because he did not want to appear weaker than you… and in his eyes you were having the upper hand, you were in control of the situation. You folded your arms and then unfolded them. It was a clear sign that the statement made you nervous… it meant that Loki was right and you did not like it.
Suddenly Loki walked to you and put his hand on your forehead. In a flash he was in your mind, staring at you while you stood in the water knee-deep, facing away from Loki and staring at the horizon. The scenery was enveloped in gray, soft mist and the surface of the water was as smooth as a millpond, almost like a mirror but there was nothing to reflect, only mist and grayness. The trees that surrounded the water were covered with white snow and there was just a little bit of ice on the shore, reminding that the winter was approaching.
Then Loki saw you taking small steps forward and slowly getting deeper into the water… and eventually you disappeared beneath the surface, leaving nothing but few ripples to spread in every direction. Loki rushed into the water, desperately trying to find you but he couldn’t see you even though the water was crystal clear. You were gone. After a blink of an eye Loki found himself standing on the shore once more, staring at you standing in the water facing away from him. Just as he was about to jump into the water, you turned your head and glared at Loki.
“Get out from my head” Loki heard you demanding in his mind and as he gasped for air, he realized that he was standing in the room with you. Loki’s first reaction was to remove his hand from your forehead and to step away from you because the sight had shocked him. However the thing that shocked him even more was that he did not know whether he had been merely reading your thoughts or witnessing a memory.
- So you have been thinking about it. Loki stated casually. He deliberately hid his emotions because he did not want you to know that what he had seen had affected him and losing you would be very painful. You scoffed and shifted your gaze involuntarily away from Loki because you were not quite sure if what Loki had seen had been just a very vivid dream or if you had actually tried to drown yourself during some brief moment of weakness.
- Please leave. you mumbled silently and when you noticed that Loki was not sure if he had heard you right or not, you repeated the request with a louder and more assertive voice.
- I beg your pardon! Loki exclaimed. He couldn’t believe his ears; he had come to bring you home, he had admitted to himself that he did not want to live without you and he allowed himself to miss you… quite openly, considering that he had asked almost every person in his court if they had seen you… and you asked… no, ordered him to leave?
- It might come as a shock to you but I do not need you to save me. you spoke with a calm voice. Your calmness annoyed Loki because he was everything but calm and this made him feel that he was not in control of the situation.
- What is this? he asked with a confused tone. “This...” he said and paused for a moment as he tried to come up with the correct word. “…Arrogance… towards me!” he continued with a voice that was clearly filled with confusion and made it apparent that he was offended for your lack of respect. It was also obvious that your voice and your presence did not have the same warmth towards him that it used to have and therefore Loki corrected himself by saying “Towards your king” because he did not want you to know that the lack of affection was hurting him way more than any amount of disrespect.
- It is not arrogance, my lord. you stated, unable to read Loki or his mood. “It is just me taking control of my own life” you added but for a fraction of a moment you sounded bitter, exhausted and hurt. Maybe you were not as strong as you let Loki to believe. Maybe you were not over him… entirely at least.
- Life? You call this life? Loki chuckled and then continued with an amused tone “Stop being ridiculous.” He extended his hand towards you and gestured you to take it as he said “Come now.”
- No. you said and shook your head firmly. There was a part of you that wanted nothing more than to take Loki’s hand and to return home with him but then again, you couldn’t just return and pretend to be the same person that you had been before. You couldn’t live in a lie that nothing had changed since everything had changed… you had changed.
- That is an order. I am the king and I am ordering you to return to Asgard. Loki commanded firmly. The order made you laugh, which was a reaction that mocked Loki profoundly. He had heard you laughing countless times but never before your laughter had sounded like an attack. This aggravated Loki greatly because it was very uncommon that anyone dared to mock him so openly. He knew however that he most likely deserved it after everything he had said to you… but still he couldn’t help his pride getting hurt.
- You think I'm going to return with you... you spoke after you had stopped laughing. “…After being humiliated like that” you specified. It seemed that Loki had completely forgotten how you and he had ended up into this situation. Loki groaned and shifted his gaze elsewhere for a second and then stated
- You kept pushing me-
- Oh, it is my fault now? you asked bitterly.
- Yes! Loki exclaimed and immediately regretted snapping at you like that. Sure you had pushed him but he shouldn’t have had said those things, especially in front of all those people… and he shouldn’t have told you that you brought nothing but shame to your family. That had been a real kick under the belt. Loki knew that he should never have claimed so. If there had been any truth in anything he had said… that one statement had been just… plain mean.
- Then you should be happy that I removed myself from your court. you said, still standing still firmly and keeping your eyes on Loki at all times.
- You belong there. Loki said, stepped a little closer as a sign of a truce and added with a soft, unexpectedly kind voice “It is your home.” The statement made you chuckled bitterly because you had pointed it out when Loki had suggested that you should walk through the portal if the mortal world interested you so much. You took one step backwards to maintain the distance between him and you. However your response, the drawing back combined with the chuckle, annoyed Loki and he responded by giving you a disapproving glare and asking
- What is so funny?
- You wanted me to leave, so I did... you sighed and after a small pause and sharp inhale you continued “…And now you're here, begging me-“
- I am not begging. Loki corrected you. He was a proud man and he did not beg. Not for anyone, not even for you.
- ...to come with you. For what? you asked and scoffed. “So you could insult me some more?” you asked with a tone that was mixture of curiosity, confusion and amusement. Your words sounded like an accusing attack in Loki’s ears and he reacted by shifting his gaze elsewhere again and showing signs of nervousness and hesitation.
- And you think that I will just tolerate it because I have been in love with you for many years. you stated and then asked “Is that what you think?” Loki however did not answer. This was the first time he heard you confessing your feelings to him openly but there was something in your voice and the selection of words that did not exactly make him jump for joy. Sure Loki had been aware of your feelings for a long time and the truth was that you had never really kept them hidden… so this statement did not surprise Loki at all but what shook him a little internally was the casual manner you spoke about such great thing; like it was ancient history and therefore didn’t matter anymore.
- Guess what, I am not in love with you anymore. you stated. Your voice was emotionless and this time you did not even sound bitter. You sounded numb and like you had accepted the situation as it was and it shocked Loki even though he did his best to hide it.
- Excuse me? he asked with an offended tone. He couldn’t tolerate it that you just got over him like that… it was absurd because he had swallowed his pride and come to basically confess his love… to take you home… to make amends… and you were treating him like this! How could you be so cruel? Besides, Loki was the king… the fucking God of Mischief… and at that second he decided that he wouldn’t let you just move on. This was not over… oh no, this had not even started!
- That's right. you stated with an arrogant smirk. “I have... met someone else” you continued and monitored the look on Loki’s face constantly.
- You're lying. Loki said and tried to find any signs of dishonesty in your eyes. You were lying of course but the thing was that you were battling internally with your own attraction as well as with the feelings that you had assumed to have died while struggling to stay alive in the forest. Now however… it was painfully apparent that your feelings had not faded away after all. Loki kept staring into your eyes as he searched for clues about whether you were telling him the truth or lying right to his face.
- Is it the innkeeper? he asked suddenly.
- Yes. you replied. It was a lie but you hoped that Loki would not call your bluff. Loki clenched his hands into fists and sighed, shifted his gaze elsewhere again and then gasped for air.
- You do not even share a language! he exclaimed and then added “This is absurd!” You noticed that Loki’s voice had an undertone of desperation… jealousy even… perhaps. Was it his ego that couldn’t take rejection or was there something else? Were Loki’s feelings towards you deeper that you had assumed? Did he not hate you after all? You however couldn’t show your cards now and admit that there was no one else. You couldn’t admit that you still loved Loki, against your will that was, because you didn’t want to believe it.
- Maybe so, but at least he is decent and he does not humiliate me in front of everyone! you snapped, partially because you were getting nearer to the end of your resistance and partially because this time Loki was pushing you and therefore you had to hold onto your lie. It would have been pathetic and ridiculous to admit now that there was no one else. It would have made you look like a complete fool… a silly girl that was so desperately in love with the king that she had no other choice than to lie.
- You wouldn't even know if he did! Loki stated. The prospect of you falling in love with someone else was clearly getting under his skin and made you feel conflicted; on the other hand you felt victorious for having such control over him and for being able to get your revenge for the cruel things he had said… but then again you felt hopeful. Perhaps Loki had missed you… maybe he had realized that he needed you… maybe… No! you couldn’t let yourself get tangled into these feelings again!
- Get out. you said slightly hesitantly and walked to the door, opened it wide open and gestured Loki to leave.
- No. Loki stated and walked to the door, slammed it shut and for your surprise he put his hand on your jaw. You however stepped away and repeated your request.
- Get out! you shouted as the feeling of his hand ghosted on your jaw and the memory of having his thumb brushing your cheek so gently was making your courage crumble as well as your head spin.
- Fine. Loki said because he was now more than certain that there was no point to reason with you. You were holding onto your grudge and although the God of Mischief had surprised you with kindness and tried to break your resistance by taking physical contact, you had stepped away and protested.
- But I will take with me whether you like it or not. Loki stated and grabbed your arm firmly, yet carefully so he wouldn’t hurt you.
- Don't you dare! you shouted, broke free from his grip and pushed Loki away.
Loki scoffed and stepped closer again. He tried to grab your arm but you rejected his attempts over and over again. You knew that Loki was a skillful fighter and you did not want to fight him but something kind of just snapped inside you and therefore you reached to grab a vase and threw it at him. Loki dodged and turned to look at the flowerpot getting smashed against the back wall of the small room. “Is that how it’s going to be?” he asked and then chuckled “Very well, Lady (Y/N).” You grabbed a log from the basket next to the small fireplace and swung it a couple of times as Loki was looking for the opportunity to attack, creating a plan in his mind to lock your hands behind your back and to suppress your resistance. What he did not know was that you knew that basics of self defense and fighting and your body was pumping adrenaline into your blood stream. You were not going to give in without a proper fight.
- Don’t be ridiculous! Loki said as he dodged your attack. He knew that even if you managed to hit him with the wooden log, you wouldn’t be able to hurt him because even your best effort would feel just like a tiny, insignificant slap. Loki however managed to grab your arm and take the log away to which you responded by screaming and pushing Loki away, or trying at least. You tried to hit his chest with your fists but your attacks had no impact on him, yet still you tried, partially because you wanted to keep him away and to show him that you were strong… but partially because fighting him gave you an excuse to be close to him, especially since it was apparent from the beginning that he was not going to hurt you... and you did not possess the physical strength to hurt him.
However eventually Loki managed to spin you around, lock your hands tightly against your chest as he stood behind you and pressed himself firmly against your back, panting into your neck. “Let me go!” you demanded as you tried to wiggle yourself out from the tight grip. “Stop fighting” Loki spoke into your ear with a deep, somewhat seducing tone. You however screamed as a response and at that moment the innkeeper rushed into the room. He had a crowbar and he threatened Loki with it while firing threats against the man who had captured you. You screamed for help even though you did not speak Norwegian but the innkeeper had a pretty good idea what you were saying so he threatened Loki again and raised his weapon for an attack.
- How noble, your lover came to rescue you. Loki spoke into your ear and chuckled a little as he duplicated himself. Loki’s copy drew out two swords and the next thing you heard was the crowbar falling on the floor and the innkeeper running out from the room.
- Not a hero after all. Loki stated and added “It seems that you’re coming with me”.
Loki dragged you out from the room easily despite your constant objections, both vocal and physical. He carried you out from the inn and ordered Heimdall to open the Bifrost and to bring you and Loki back to Asgard. You closed your eyes so you wouldn’t get nauseous, it after all was the first time you were traveling like this with the full range of spectrum flashing in front of your eyes. Flying through the space like that scared you so you held onto Loki and put your trust involuntarily on him. Loki held you tightly against his strong, firm body and suddenly the movement stopped. You opened your eyes and you were back in Asgard.
You saw Heimdall twisting the sword and the Bifrost closed. He nodded at Loki who did not put you down even though you were telling him to do so. You kept telling Loki that this was absurd and he was not behaving in an appropriate way but he muffled your objections by slamming his lips against yours and surprising you with this unexpected and sudden action. You froze completely still and closed your eyes as an involuntary reaction. When you opened your eyes you noticed that you had been teleported to Loki’s chamber. Loki put you down and smirked at you as you felt your tingly lips with your fingertips. You had never been kissed and even though this had not been a kiss, not exactly at least, even thinking about was making your knees weak and your head spin. No! You couldn’t think about such things! Loki had brought you back against your will… he had “muffled your resistance” by holding you very close and… and… No, you couldn’t think about his… lips… against yours.
- I didn't know that you can fight. Loki commented while he walked to the door of his chamber and locked it. You swallowed once and watched him putting the key into the pocket of his tunic.
- There are many things you do not know about me. you replied, knowing that your fighting had been pathetic and the comment was meant to flatter you and Loki’s tone was surprisingly sincere… for some reason. Loki walked back to you and brushed your hair behind your ear, revealing the bruise on your forehead. You stepped away from him immediately and covered the mark with your hair again. Loki rolled his eyes and noticed you hiding your hand… like it had been aching. Yes, the fighting had not been the smartest idea considering that your bruises had not fully healed yet.
- What is this? Loki said as took your hand and pulled the sleeve higher, revealing the nasty bite marks. Loki gasped and looked at you with a shocked look on his face. He opened the front lacing of your plain, borrowed dress effortlessly and revealed your shoulders that were also partially covered with deep, purple bruises. “These... bruises.” Loki said and traced them with his fingertips carefully. You shifted your gaze away and folded your arms to prevent the dress falling down and exposing you completely.
- When did you get... these? How? he asked with terrified voice. That was the moment when it really hit Loki; he could have lost you for real and therefore his irritation, amusement… and frustration… all these feelings that he had felt during his “rescue operation” due to your so-called arrogance felt… unjustified. Clearly you had not just stepped through the portal and walked into the town, fallen in love with the first man that had been kind towards you… but you had struggled… you had fought to survive.
One tear rolled on your cheek from the corner of your eye as you stared at the collar of Loki’s tunic. “Tell me” he spoke softly and traced your neck with is fingertips, barely even touching. You held your breath as you closed your eyes. In your mind you were back in the soft, freezing mist, standing knee-deep in the water, contemplating your life.
You had just survived from the snow-covered forest and your mind had been shattered; a part of you had wanted to survive and a part of you had wanted to just let go. The nature had bathed in sunshine for a moment and during that time you had felt… fascinated, hopeful and relieved… you had even seen a town in a distance… but then the mist had settled in from the mountains and swallowed you whole, leaving you all alone in the world… broken, cold and lost. Therefore you had walked into the water instead of towards the town… then you had actually stood there, knee-deep staring at the scenery for some time and eventually filled the pockets of your dress with stones and tried to drown yourself. You had felt the slippery rocks under your shoes, the cold water surrounding you, filling your mouth… the salty taste… then finally getting into your lungs as you had inhaled.
What had really happened that day, you wouldn’t be able to say for certain.
A boat, a pair of strong arms pulling you up… New life.
And now a familiar voice in your head, speaking to you softly, begging you to leave the freezing mist and to return home with him.