Thranduil (Haldir) / Reader (9) - Part 3
Haldir stepped back immediately and straightened his tunic as he cleared his throat. You sighed nervously while you tried to come up with the right words to tell Haldir who you were. You felt your pulse going up and palms getting sweaty because the look on Haldir’s face had changed from mesmerized to concerned and maybe even a little bit suspicious. Haldir knew that you were hiding something, it was obvious but since he was not courting you or anything, not yet at least, you did not owe him anything and if you were not feeling comfortable enough to tell him, he would not pressure you.
- What is it? he asked with a concerned, yet warm and calm voice. His attentive eyes kept following you are you walked a little bit nervously and tried to form your thoughts into words.
- I am… you said and gasped. It couldn’t be this hard! You did not even have to say much, just a couple of words and the burden would be lifted from your shoulders but it was not that simple and the more you hesitated the more difficult it became to say… to confess that you were an ousted ruler and a daughter of a dunedain-king.
However no matter how challenging it was, you knew that you had to say it, despite the consequences. Haldir walked to you and stopped you by putting his hand on your shoulder as he stated softly “You can tell me… anything” with a soft, comforting voice, but this time his calmness did not make you any calmer, quite the opposite actually. You shifted your gaze into Haldir’s eyes and took a deep breath. It was now or never. “I am…” you repeated but just as you were about to say what you had planned to say, you blurted “…a half-elf” instead. The look on Haldir’s face turned from soft and comforting to deeply confused. “Was that it? The big secret that you were hiding?” he thought silently and commented, almost like he had said the following by an accident
- I don’t understand-
- The old man… in the dream… you said with a slightly shaky tone, paused and corrected yourself by saying “Uhm… in the memory…” and took a deep breath before adding with a hesitant tone “He was my father”. You hesitated because you were afraid that Haldir would connect the dots eventually, he after all was highly intelligent, sharp-sighted and most likely missed nothing and therefore he would realize that there was something else that you were hiding as well… but the truth was that you were not ready to reveal your identity yet. You wanted to live the fairytale for a moment more because you were afraid that when the truth came out, you would lose what you had now… which was not much but it was more than you had ever had before.
- Very well, but I do not understand how is that important. Haldir stated, still keeping his hand on your shoulder and stopping you from running away, just in case. “I do not care, my lady, if you are an elf or a half-elf” he spoke and slid his hand down from your shoulder, along your arm to your hand and took your hand into his.
Your hand was cold and it made Haldir gasp, He immediately took your both hands into his and rubbed them softly, lifted them up on his lips and blew warm air on your skin. He kept your hands so close to his mouth that his lips brushed your knuckles every once in a while as he tried to warm your hands up. He spoke softly, reassuring you that it made no difference to him and pressed soft kisses on your cold fingers between the words. You felt your eyes filling with tears again because you knew that it was unfair that you allowed such kindness while you were not being completely honest with him and therefore you pulled your hands away and stated
- You don’t understand. Being a mere ha-
- You are not mere anything! Haldir stated firmly, you could hear in his voice that he was slightly offended. He couldn’t understand why you thought so little of yourself and your attitude insulted him; he was surely falling in love with you and you were pretty much telling him that he was wrong to do so, or that was what he was reading between the lines… it was what your expressions, body language and tone were basically screaming at him and he couldn’t understand why. He kept telling you that he did not care about your lineage because he was falling in-
- Please, listen to me for a moment, Lord Haldir. you stated with a firm tone and interrupted his ramblings. Haldir stopped talking immediately and said “Very well, my lady” with a calm, yet slightly distant tone. He kept staring at you intensely as he waited you to say what you wanted to say. You took a deep breath and began by saying “Being a half-elf…” but you stopped because you lost your train of thought due to the intense gaze of Haldir. You stepped a bit further away from him and inhaled deep, held your breath for a moment and then continued with a somewhat shaky tone “The reason why I do not know elvish dances or the elvish traditions is that…” You paused and inhaled sharply.
- I was raised among mortal people. My father is… you said and sighed as you realized that you were talking about him like he was still alive although he had not been alive for many centuries. “…was…” you corrected yourself and fought to keep your resurfacing grief hidden. “…a mortal man and my mother… an elf” you added, realizing instantly that your tone had turned a bit bitter when you had mentioned your mother. You were not bitter anymore about what had happened to you but thinking about it was not easy and therefore you did not even want to consider actually talking about it… not yet at least.
- Insignificant details. Haldir stated firmly. “To you maybe but…” you mumbled with a barely audible tone as you shook your head. “Help me to understand then!” Haldir exclaimed and interrupted you. You did not like to be interrupted so you groaned and folded your arms defensively as you stated with a frustrated tone
- It means that I express feelings more openly and I am impulsive… and clumsy- you said and relived all the awkward moments of your life in a blink of an eye. All those moments that you would have rather forgotten. Haldir shook his head because in his opinion you were overreacting; in his eyes you were just as graceful as the other elf-ladies, even more graceful… the most graceful and delightful lady he had ever met. You were able to see that Haldir disagreed with you but instead of giving you comfort, it annoyed you because he couldn’t understand the world from your point of view… what it was like to be consumed by your feelings and act upon them without thinking it through. It was the very reason why you had died… You had died because you had had an appetite for revenge and it had corrupted your spirit. It however was something that you couldn’t tell Haldir, not now at least and therefore you shifted his attention to your clumsiness by stating
- You had to take my hand so I wouldn’t stumble in the forest-
- Do you think I minded? Haldir asked and walked to you, took your hand and this time he did not let it go even though you tried to pull your hand away. You did not want him to hold your hand because it felt wonderful and made your feelings for him get stronger… which was lovely, but it was not fair or even right as long as you were keeping secrets.
- Taking your hand and leading you has been one of the greatest joys of my life. Haldir spoke and reached to brush your hair softly,
- Oh please, you do not have to say that. you stated with tone that revealed that you did not want anyone’s pity and more importantly, it revealed that you had taken his statement as a sign of pity, even though it had not been his intention, to pity you.
Accepting help had never been your strongest qualities and you did not really know how to be the damsel in distress; even when you had been living in Mirkwood you had pretty much isolated yourself from everyone else, which was the reason why you had never even met Legolas. It made no sense that you had lived in the same realm for many decades and avoided even running to the prince by an accident but it indeed was what had happened and it was partially due to your incapability to accept help and also due to isolating yourself because you had been in a situation where you had needed someone to help you. Ironically you had been forced to beg help from the very person whom you had rejected… which had been the event that had set into motion the whole string of events that had led you here.
- I do… because I mean it. Haldir stated and brushed your cheek with the back of his fingers.
- The reason why I want to dance with you is that it gives me a possibility to lead you again. Haldir admitted with a slightly shy tone. He however knew that he had to say these things to convince you about the fact that he did not care about who you were. “To… hold your hand… to hold you close, like I did when we met the first time here in Valinor” he continued and placed his hand on your waist softly, just like he had when he had danced with you.
You however felt guilty for accepting such kindness and not putting an end to it. It felt almost like you had been tricking Haldir to fall for you because he had no idea about the person you had been and even though you were not bitter, angry and driven by your lust for revenge anymore, they were still qualities that had shaped you into a person that you were now. Maybe Lady Galadriel was right when she had not wanted you to get involved with Haldir. Maybe she was trying to protect one of the finest elves that she knew. Maybe she knew that you would eventually just end up hurting Haldir who was sincere and pure-hearted.
You couldn’t be close to him because you wanted to just surrender yourself to the feeling, the attraction that was growing and getting deeper by every passing moment.
- But… you still do not understand! you exclaimed with a desperate and slightly frustrated tone and broke yourself free from the gentle embrace. You wanted to just blurt out the truth about your origins but you couldn’t bring yourself to say those words and therefore you reacted so strongly to the matter of being a half-elf, which seemed like overreacting to Haldir. If only he knew what was really bothering you… if only he knew that his queen, Lady Galadriel, was not going to accept the relationship between you and Haldir.
- I am different, Haldir! you exclaimed and pressed your hands on your heart because it felt like it could have stopped any moment now. This time Haldir did not run to your rescue because you had rejected him quite many times during this conversation and truth to be told, enough was enough… even for Haldir. Every time you pulled back or rejected his kind words and affectionate gestures, which by the way were not easy for him to express because he was a very stoic elf who usually kept his personal feelings hidden, he felt hurt and the feeling was everything but pleasant.
- My patience leaves me occasionally and I might embarrass you by bursting into laughter. you explained and after inhaling sharply you added “…even in places where laughing is not acceptable.” Haldir was silent for a moment and stared at you with a puzzled expression. Did you think that you had embarrassed him? Did you think that he was ashamed of you? Was that what this was about?
- Do you think you embarrassed me? Haldir asked softly as soon as he had managed to collect his thoughts.
- Yes. you gasped and struggled to keep yourself calm because you could feel your exterior cracking and crumbling down piece by piece. Haldir stared at you with a soft and apologetic look on his face. He had had no idea that you had assumed so. However, what he did not know was that there was so much more to this… so many things that you couldn’t talk about yet and therefore you reacted so strongly to this what you could talk about; the laughter, the shocked looks.
- Didn’t you see their faces? The disapproving expressions? you asked and rolled your eyes. You spread your arms and threw your hands in the air to emphasize your point which caused your overcoat to fall on the ground again. Haldir walked to you instantly, picked up the coat from the ground and put it back on your shoulders. He placed his hands on your upper arms and stated with a firm, yet kind tone “No. I only saw… you.” This time you did not step back or reject him. Haldir sighed relieved and guided you to lean on him as he wrapped his arms around you and pulled you into his arms. He felt you shivering which was something that the elves did not do; they did not mind the cold and were not affected by it but you… you were fragile that way… which meant that Haldir felt obliged, no, honored to keep you safe… to protect you even though he did not even know your name.
- Please, let’s go inside. he whispered softly and buried his face into your hair that carried a scent of autumn flowers and sweet apples… there was also something else, a hint of vanilla… cinnamon… and of course… you.
- I can’t return there. you stated with a barely audible tone.
- Why? Haldir asked.
- Too much embarrassment for one night. you replied and after taking a deep breath you added “I should just go home.”
However the truth was that you did not want to go anywhere. Oh no, you just wanted to stay there for a moment; the garden was silent and dark, there were delicate lanterns with candles hanging from the trees, gently swaying in the soft breeze. The world was silent and the only sound you could hear was the sound of Haldir breathing calmly and his heart beating steadily below his clothes and ribcage but still right against your cheek. You hoped that you had just told him the truth but then again, you did not want to lose the fairytale, not now.
- No. I cannot let you go in that state of mind. Haldir stated firmly. He held you close for a moment more and then drew back.
- Please, go and have fun, Lord Haldir. you said and smiled a little although the smile you managed to muster was only a pathetic shadow of a real smile.
- I only came to this celebration to spend the evening with you… Haldir answered and smiled reassuringly. “…and that is what I am going to do” he added with an assertive tone. He took your overcoat and gestured you to turn to face away from him so he could help you to put it on. After helping you with the coat and making sure that you were not cold anymore he continued by saying “I shall get my cloak and then I’ll show you my favorite place in Valinor.” You smiled and nodded as a response.
- Please wait for me here. he said after getting a confirmation from you he disappeared into the shadows of the garden.
You rubbed your arms a little and turned your gaze from the dark garden up to the sky which was filled with twinkling stars that decorated the black canvas. You closed your eyes and breathed in the cool autumn air that carried many scents of ripe fruits but also dying leafs. You could now hear the celebrating elves in the distance as well as the fine music that was being played on the background of the festivities. The sounds and smells brought back so many memories of the times when you had been the ruler and arranged such parties for the harvest. It was strange how it sometimes felt like all that had happened ages ago but during moments like this one it felt like it had been only yesterday.
You heard Haldir running back and when he got to you, he put his cloak on your shoulders, fastened the clasp and offered his arm to you. You thanked him for the cloak and took his arm without objections. You and Haldir walked slowly deeper into the garden until suddenly there were no more trees in front of you and you were actually staring at an open horizon. You couldn’t see much else but stars and darkness all around but Haldir took your hand and led you further. The grass changed into sand and you finally realized where you were; on the shore. It was a calm night and therefore you had to concentrate well to be able to hear the sound of waves, gently rushing ashore. After a couple of minutes the moon appeared from behind distant, high mountains and illuminated everything with pale glow.
- Welcome, my lady, to my realm. Haldir said with a fascinated tone. He stood next to you and stared at the eerily glowing horizon.
- It is beautiful. you stated with a mesmerized tone that had an undertone of melancholy in it. The night was so similar to the one when you had died… the stars… the moon… the sparkling water… You covered your mouth with your hand to muffle your silent sobs.
- What is it? Haldir asked immediately and turned to look at you. You noticed that he was staring at you again, analyzing your reaction and trying to figure you out; why his kind gestures were making you react in the opposite way than he had expected or intended? Haldir knew that he did not know you, he did not have any idea about your origins and what had happened to you before and that was a problem which he had to solve somehow.
- I haven’t been here since I arrived. you commented and pushed your memories aside again. Haldir cleared his throat and raised his chin, keeping his eyes fixed upon your face even though you were staring at the horizon. You looked eerily beautiful with the melancholy in your eyes and Haldir knew that the sight would haunt his dreams from now on.
- With all due respect, I have a feeling that there is something else. he stated cautiously. He was absolutely certain that this view meant something else as well… it had a meaning… Maybe it had something to do with the fact that you had been raised among mortals which meant that you had seen plenty of death and surely lost many friends… including your father. Yes, Haldir recalled that you had spoken about your father in present-tense and then corrected yourself which meant that your father had died.
- You are very perceptive… sharp-sighted. you commented and shifted your gaze from the horizon to Haldir.
- And you, my lady, are a mystery. he commented with a tone that was both slightly sad and fascinated. “Hardly” you commented with a light chuckled and shook your head. You knew that it was a lie, partially at least; you did not think that you were a mystery because you were just… someone who had gone through a lot in her life but then again, you had carried many secrets that you were not ready to share yet. Maybe you were a mystery and maybe the mystery defined your life… your character as well as your future.
- I don’t even know your name. Haldir stated playfully.
- My name is not important. you commented and turned to face Haldir. He looked absolutely handsome in the moonlight; the pale light made his tunic as well as his hair glow softly and he looked ethereal, immortal and beautiful in every way possible. The only light that made him look even more handsome was the sunlight that penetrated the golden leafs and softly kissed the forest of Lothlorien.
- Very well, but I shall ask you again because… Haldir said and bowed before continuing, He took your hand and lifted it on his lips, pressed a soft kiss on your knuckles and then continued “I must know the name of the lady that I’m courting.” You smiled at him and nodded. It was enough for now for both of you; Haldir knew that you would share your secret with him as soon as you were ready and you knew that Haldir was willing to give you time to find the right words.
- And you’ll promise not to ask around about me in the meanwhile? you asked with a slightly hesitant tone.
- You have my word. he said with a sincere tone. Then he smirked at you and added “But there is a price.” You chuckled a little nervously because you had never even kissed anyone and you had a feeling that the moment of the first kiss was right around the corner… although your feeling could be wrong as well. Anyway you had been interrupted already once tonight by the elves that had entered the balcony before, the second time you had interrupted Haldir and now… you felt the butterflies in your stomach again, flying around furiously and causing your head to spin as well. If this was how it happened, you wouldn’t object. In the matter of fact, if this was the way it would happen, on the shore of a gorgeous, eternal sea, bathing in the ethereal moonlight with a brave, handsome elf… you wouldn’t object at all. The moment was perfect, Haldir was perfect… if only you were perfect too.
- What is it? you asked with a soft voice, hoping that he would just kiss you already.
- One dance. Haldir said. You sighed as you processed the light disappointment. Apparently Haldir did not want to kiss you anymore or maybe his ego had gotten bruised from the previous rejection… the rejection that you now regretted. Haldir was exactly that kind of man that you had hoped to meet and for some stupid reason you had rejected him. Sure your reasons had felt quite valid and justified at the time but now, in retrospect, you scolded yourself for not seizing the moment and letting it happen.
- I’m not going back. you commented and glanced at the garden. “Oh, no-no-no” Haldir said and placed his hand on your jaw. He guided you to look at him again and said “Here.” You chuckled a bit and pointed out that there was no music to dance to.
- The sound of the waves will be our music. Haldir said and offered his hand to you.
- Very well. you replied and placed your hand on his. Haldir bowed deep to which you replied by curtsying and then he placed his hand on your waist again. He led you skillfully even though dancing on the soft sand was rather challenging but as long as you kept your eyes fixed upon his, you did not stumble or even slip. You smiled calmly as you followed his lead and trusted him to guide you well.
Haldir spun you around a couple of times and pulled you into his arms. Then he turned you around to stand in front of him, facing away. He took your hands stepped half of a step aside, lifted your hand up and guided you to place your hand on his cheek as you and he swayed to the steady rhythm of the waves. Haldir placed his hand on your stomach and held you firmly, yet gently against his strong body.
After a moment you turned around and landed your fingertips on his cheek. You traced softly, barely even touching, Haldir’s eyebrows, nose and finally lips which made him shiver a little because your hands were cold again. You ran your fingertips on his jaw, down to his neck, brushed his earlobe and finally slid your hand on his shoulder, along his arm to his fingers. You tangled your fingers with his and kept finding new ways to hold his hand, sometimes just softly brushing his palm, his fingers or the back of his hand with your fingertips. Haldir followed your actions and it seemed like your hands had continued even after both of you had stopped.
Finally you guided him to lift his hand up to the level of his chest and pressed your hand against his; you stepped aside a little so you were able to press the palms of your right hands against each other. This time you led Haldir as you made a circle together like this and then changing the direction by turning around and pressing your left hands together as before. It was a dance that young lovers had danced in your court and you had never danced it before although you had known the steps.
Haldir mirrored your movements and you neither of you shifted your gaze elsewhere. The dance originally began with mere eye-contact but it was easier to start from hand-against-hand contact because you did not want to ruin the moment by instructing your dance partner with the steps, it was quite enough that you occasionally spoke softly, with whispers, and explained meaning of each segment of the dance. The idea behind the dance was simple; the lady meets the lord, their gazes meet and as the dance progresses they slowly get closer together and finally ending holding each other tightly and sharing the first kiss.
Haldir cupped your face with his hand as he held you close with his other hand. You were in the same position; cupping his face and holding him close. You both stared into each other’s eyes, drowning in them and allowing yourselves to fall in love with each other. “What happens now?” Haldir asked softly. “A kiss” you answered with a simple sigh, completely hypnotized from the moment. “If I’ll kiss you now, my heart will be yours” Haldir spoke with a slightly shaky tone. He was not hesitant but a little bit nervous because he had never kissed anyone either. He had been too busy with his duties and therefore there had not been time for love in his life… before this moment. “And I shall love you until the end of time” you replied softly.
Haldir shifted his hand under your chin and held you gracefully as he leaned closer and pressed his lips against yours. You opened your mouth just a little bit and moved your head slightly to welcome Haldir’s lower lip between your lips. You nibbled his lip with yours lightly and enjoyed feeling him so close. He followed your lead and nibbled your lower lip gently among soft, sweet kisses that were modest and graceful, respectful and adoring in a very shy way. He held you almost you had been a precious, fragile flower that would break if he kissed you any firmer or with more intensity and passion. There was time for that someday but now… he wanted to keep his actions controlled and modest as he let his lips linger on yours, sometimes just barely brushing them.
- Will you watch the sunrise with me? he asked with soft whispers against your lips.
- Yes. you replied and pressed a kiss on the corner of his mouth. Haldir stepped a bit further away and took your hand. He led you to the rocks where he usually liked to sit because he did not want your fine dress get dirty from the sand. He helped you to sit down and sat down next to you, guided you to lean on him and pressed one kiss on your forehead when you did.
You sat silently, Haldir keeping your hands warm by holding them and rubbing them with his thumbs. Haldir told you stories about the life in Lothlorien and after a couple of hours the eastern horizon started to turn lighter; it turned from black into dark blue, from blue to pale spring green and finally the horizon turned light yellow. You had dozed off a couple of times while Haldir had told you his stories but Haldir had not minded at all. He had kept speaking and smiled to himself, sometimes chuckling when your head had dropped and you had recoiled from the place between being fully awake and fully asleep.
- The sun is about to rise. he said and watched you opening your eyes. The sunrise was now very close and the light clouds in the horizon were shining with pink, orange and warm golden color that made Haldir’s eyes sparkle and his skin glow like in the sunlight that penetrated the golden leafs in forest of Lothlorien. “It’s gorgeous” you gasped when the sun appeared from the sea that was as smooth as a millpond, or at least it appeared that way.
- Thank you for staying up with me. Haldir said. You chuckled a little because you had been dozing every once in a while during the past a couple of hours but at least you had been awake when the sun had actually come up. “I think it is time for us to go” he continued since you looked quite tired. He stood up, helped you up as well and then you walked slowly through the garden into the elven city to the bench where you had met the first time… in Valinor.
- Are you sure you do not want me to walk you all the way home? Haldir asked with a concerned tone.
- Yes. you said and took his cloak off your shoulders. You handed it to Haldir and fought the shivers that followed instantly when the cold morning air attacked you. “I’ll be fine” you said with a reassuring voice and placed your hand on Haldir’s upper arm as you spoke “Don’t worry”.
- Is there a reason why you do not want me to know where you live? Haldir asked curiously, although you could hear an undertone of concern in his voice.
- Why would it be a secret? you asked casually and shrugged your shoulders although actually there was nothing casual about your attitude towards him knowing where you lived… because your house was basically a small palace.
- I do not know. he said and then added “Maybe for the same reason why you will not tell me your name”. You removed your hand from his arm and shifted it on your own arm which you now rubbed a bit nervously.
- Who are you, my lady? he asked with a puzzled, yet adoring voice. “Who is the lady that I love… whom I’m courting” he wondered aloud and cupped your face. You stared into Haldir’s blue eyes, hoping that he would just let it go but he had a point; he had a right to know something about you. You smiled but there was sadness in your eyes, the same hidden melancholy that always surrounded you when Haldir tried to ask you about your past.
- Where are you from, my lady? he asked because you were not giving you an answer to his previous questions. You recoiled from your thoughts and decided that you could tell him this much
- From east but the last years I lived in Mirkwood. you answered with a barely audible tone and shifted your gaze away from his eyes. He was still cupping your face and therefore you couldn’t run away. Haldir kept searching for answers from your eyes as he went through the known realms that located in the east, but then again, he did not know what exactly you had meant because even Gondor located in the east if you were standing in the plains of Rohan.
Haldir traced your lips with his thumb for a moment and then moved his hand behind your head. He pressed his forehead against yours, closed his eyes and sighed
- Why did you-
- Die? you asked with a tone that carried regret and sorrow. “Yes” Haldir whispered and kept his forehead pressed softly against yours. He sank his fingers into your hair and brushed them in the most calming way. “Was it painful?” he whispered and pulled you a bit closer by wrapping his arm around you. Haldir hoped nothing more than to hear that you had not suffered because even a thought about you suffering through the last moments of your life made his heart ache. “No… but it hurts my heart to talk about it” you answered and placed your hand on Haldir’s neck, guided him to kiss you once more before saying goodnights and returning to your own houses. “Soon you will tell me, yes?” he asked between the soft kisses and drew further away to look into your eyes to make sure that you were not making an empty promise that you were not going to keep. “Would you love me no matter what?” you asked with a shaky tone. The handsome elf in front of you responded with a calm adoring smile and nodded.
But could you tell him the whole truth? Your life after all had been filled with such darkness and such poisonous feelings, cruelty even, that you were afraid that Haldir’s opinion of you would change completely if he knew. You were not that worried anymore about the fact that you were a high elf because according to your past deeds and life choices, there was nothing “high” about you. Oh no, there were so many other things that mattered so much more than your royal background.
What really mattered and what you were truly afraid of was how would Haldir react when he heard that you had insulted one of the highest kings of Middle Earth by rejecting the marriage with him, that you had filled your heart with nothing but destructive feelings and let your mind get consumed by thoughts that had caused nothing but harm. You had dreamed about seeing your brother die and then enjoyed watching the life leaving his body. You had sworn to him that no one would ever remember his name and he would be erased from the history… that he would be entirely forgotten. And on top of it all, your final words for him had not offered comfort, oh no, quite the opposite because you had cursed him into an eternal darkness… and promised him that there would be nothing bu loneliness, coldness and darkness.
Sure you regretted it now and the years that you had spent in the Halls of Mandos had cleansed your spirit… but you realized that nothing would ever erase the things you had done… the cruel things you had said… and therefore it made you question whether it was fair and right if you allowed yourself to be happy. The two biggest questions that haunted your mind now as you kept staring into the eyes of Haldir, the elf whom you had fallen in love with, were; did you even deserve love? Would anyone be able to love you if they knew what kind of person you had been before?