Angel / Reader - Part 4
Angel closed his eyes and leaned even closer. He did not want to think about the curse and possible dangers of getting romantically involved with you because had a feeling that whatever he did with you, there was enough sadness in him to keep him from reaching the state of perfect happiness. It was a depressing thought, in a way, but it was the only way for him to even dream about having someone in his life. What had happened in the past had happened because he had stormed into the love affair without any concerns, desperately wanting to love and be loved in return. It had been love like untouched first snow; precious and beautiful, perfect… but that kind of love was something that Angel couldn’t have. He knew that now and that had been the reason why he had left and moved in LA. It had been too heartbreaking to be together and apart at the same time and the temptation could have gotten too great to resist so it had been safer and easier to just leave.
The feelings that had surfaced between you and Angel, even though you had never showed any or even talked about being attracted to each other, had grown quite unnoticed during the six months that you had known each other. You had not meant to fall for your boss who had also become a trusted friend. The feelings had sneaked into your life uninvited and first you had tried to talk yourself out from them. You had been attracted to Angel from the first moment, he after all was a very handsome man and charming… in a silent and somewhat brooding way, but then you had gotten to know him more, not enough to know that he was a vampire though, and the shallow attraction had deepened into something else.
You had had heated arguments but you had also laughed a lot… or well, not that a lot but much considering that Angel very rarely even smiled. He however had started to smile more and opened up a little as the months had rolled by; he had first tried to keep you in a safe distance, never getting too personal with you, but somehow you had managed to work your way past his guards and connect with him on a mental level, whether he knew it or not. Then little by little you had gotten secretly excited about seeing him again, just like he had gotten excited about seeing you, no matter if it was a training day, or you were patrolling together… or doing research concerning some case and going through dusty old books.
But you had managed to keep your feelings as a secret. Sure you had started to smile even when you were walking alone and had no tangible reason to smile and you had started to come up with excuses why you had to call Angel or visit him. Sure the trainee-thing had helped a lot because it had always given you a reason to keep in touch and you had always told yourself that it was the only reason why you insisted on spending more and more time with him… and the other employees of Angel Investigations. Yes, you always told yourself that when you went to visit Angel, you were actually going there to visit the whole gang… and you had believed yourself… well, you had insisted on believing your own reasoning, yet secretly hoping that you would get even a minute alone-time with Angel.
You had known that nothing was going to happen because surely Angel did not share your feelings; he was reasonable and wise, sometimes you wondered if he had somehow managed to live a couple of lifetimes because in your opinion he seemed like an old soul, a person who had seen a lot… yet he was only around thirty years old, give or take a couple of years. But even though you had told yourself many times that you were being silly whishing that he would notice you romantically, you had still cherished very deeply the moments that you had spent with Angel, just the two of you, because you had felt like the most important person in the world during those times when you had had his full attention… all for yourself and you did not have to share it with anyone, not with Wesley, not with Doyle and especially not with Cordelia.
During the six months you had learned to trust Angel. Sure you had not always shared his opinions and sometimes you had even rebelled against his so-called better judgment because you had wanted to impress him and to show him that you were not a child that he had to babysit. You had wanted to be like him, just as good as he was and to win his heart that way, whether you admitted it or not. And you had not admitted it, even to yourself, because you had not thought that he would feel the same way about you. You had at one point tried to flirt with him but when your flirt had not been answered you had stopped and settled with the idea that your role in his life was never going to be anything else but his friend, a trainee in his company and nothing more.
You had decided to be a sort of guardian angel for him, even though it was usually Angel who had your back in tricky situations, but you had decided to be the person that he could always talk to, the person who would always be there for him and tell him that it was going to be alright. You had decided to love him from afar like that, by being his shoulder if he ever needed one… even if it made you emotionally unavailable for every other guy. You had told yourself that it was not like that at all, that the reason why you were not even trying to find someone or putting yourself out there on the dating market was that you were too busy… but the real reason was that unconsciously you were keeping the door open for Angel, waiting for the day when he might finally see you.
What you did not know, however, was that Angel felt the same way about you. Yes, he had tried to keep you in a safe distance at first but you had had a way to get under his skin and past all the guarding walls he had built during the years. Even though six months was not a long time for him, he had started to feel so much more alive during that time. He had started to smile more, to laugh more and to consider the possibility that maybe he did not have to spend his current life alone. Maybe he could have you in it and maybe it could be better that way. Angel knew that he would probably never love you in the same way than he had loved his ex, whom he still loved… kind of… most likely his ex was always going to have a special place in his heart. Angel however knew that it was past and there was no way it could ever work out between him and her. But you, on the other hand… you were more than just a fantasy, you were real and you had been around quite a lot during the six months. No, you wouldn’t be just a consolation price… or the silver medal, at least he did not see it that way.
But Angel did not know that you had feelings for him as well. He had tried to flirt with you, a little and very awkwardly, but when you had not responded to his small gestures, he had stopped trying. He had decided to keep you safe and guide you instead and maybe… maybe one day you would see that he had loved you all this time from afar. Angel had wanted to become the person that you trusted… the one that you could always tell the truth and be honest about your fears and concerns. He wanted to be your shoulder if you ever needed one and save you from everything and anything that was threatening you.
It of course had been easier said than done because Angel had the business to run and you had a mind of your own. You did not always listen to his advice and far too often you did the things the way you wanted even after being instructed by Angel. This had sparked some tension between you and him because you had mistaken his good intentions as babysitting and as a sign of mistrust; that Angel did not believe in you enough to let you make your own decisions. That was where you were wrong though, Angel had not done any of that to piss you off or make you feel like you were not good enough to handle situations by yourself or in your own way, he had tried to guide you because you had become a person that he did not want to lose. He did not want you to get injured or… to die… which was a real possibility every time you went to patrol by yourself. During those times Angel was very restless and nervous, unable to concentrate well and made stupid mistakes when he was fighting. His mind was somewhere else when he knew that you were out there on your own.
It was the reason why he had told you to take Wesley with you on your patrols when Angel himself was too busy to accompany you. You sometimes had and sometimes had not. Yesterday had been one of those “had not” –times and this time you had not been that lucky… or you had… just barely, because you were still alive. The vampires though had then hired a demon to trash your place because they couldn’t do it by themselves. They had wanted to send you a clear message that someday soon you would find yourself in a situation where you would meet your bitter end. Angel however did not know that you had been injured. He did not know that you had gone without Wesley because you had asked Wesley not to say anything… or to lie if Angel asked something. Angel however had been so caught up with his own demon-case that he had forgotten to ask. If he had asked, Wesley would have told him the truth because Wesley shared Angel’s concerns and did not really agree with you about whether you should patrol alone or not… especially because Wesley had a hunch that you were more for Angel than a mere friend.
Yes… Doyle, Wesley and even Cordelia knew about Angel’s feelings… or they all had a feeling that Angel was getting very fond of you. First they, especially Cordelia, had been worried about it; what it would mean in practice and would it create a risk… considering the curse and the possibility of Angel losing his soul again and becoming evil… which had happened before because of falling in love. Then however they had reasoned amongst themselves that the probabilities for Angel to experience perfect happiness were extremely slim and therefore they had decided to support Angel’s decisions and if there ever was going to be a romantic relationship between you and him, they would support it as well. Actually this was the reason why Wesley had started to talk to Angel about the fact that the curse did not mean that Angel could never love anyone or be in a relationship… “You just have to make sure that there is always something troubling you” Wesley had joked… even though, he had a point; a moment of perfect happiness, no matter how brief, would turn Angel into Angelus and that was a real threat.
Angel caressed your neck with his hand, rubbed your earlobe between his index and middle fingers and then finally pressed his lips against yours. Neither of you dared to move because both of you were secretly waiting for rejection, besides you were in a somewhat mentally paralyzed and therefore unable to react. Of course being held by Angel had helped, a bit, but you were still in shock and your brain was unable to register all this new information that your senses were providing you; Angel’s lips on yours, his hand caressing your neck and his other hand on your waist, holding you gently. Angel decided to pull you a bit closer, to hold you tighter as he was going to start kissing you properly and not just keep his lips pressed against yours like he had for almost a minute now, although the minute had felt like it had just slipped away completely unnoticed. But when he shifted his hand a bit lower and did a firm massaging motion, he accidentally pressed the bruise on your side which caused you to jerk and gasp against his lips.
- I’m sorry. Angel said immediately and drew back. He removed his hands from you because his first assumption was that he had crossed a line or hurt you somehow. You breathed trough the sharp pain and got a bit further away from Angel as an involuntary reaction.
- Did I hurt you? he asked with a confused and somewhat terrified expression on his face.
- No-no. you replied and added “I’m just tired” with a soft sigh. Angel stared at you with the same deeply worried expression, but now there was a hint of suspicion in it.
- I’ll just… lay down for a moment, if you don’t mind. you continued and smiled a little. You wanted to smile more and show him that you were happy that he had kissed you, but at this moment you were unable to do that. You did not want to answer any questions because you were worried that Angel would get angry at you if he found out about the injury. You did not want him to be angry at you right now… it would have been too much to handle mentally.
- Yes, sleep, of course. Angel said immediately. It clearly was not the right time to express his feelings, but he was still happy that you had not told him to get away from you or rejected him.
- Can you just… hold me for a moment? you asked and sniffled once, wiped your cheeks from tears and waited nervously what he would say. Your reaction could have been mistaken as rejection, even though it had not been a rejection, not at all… it had been just an involuntary reaction to physical discomfort due to the injury… of which unfortunately you couldn’t tell Angel about. You turned your head away but Angel placed his hand on your neck and guided you to look at him again as he said
- Of course. I’ll carry you to bed when-
- No need. This sofa is alright. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep anyway. you stated with an exhausted tone.
- I’ll get you a blanket and a pillow anyway. Angel replied, stood up and got a blanket as well as a pillow from his bed. He did not exactly have guest bed-supplies because he never had guests. He returned to the sofa, gave the pillow to you to hug and put the blanket on your shoulders. Then he guided you to get comfortable and wrapped his arms around you. You hugged the pillow and rested your head against Angel’s chest while he embraced you and brushed your hair slowly. You closed your eyes and after ten-fifteen minutes you fell asleep.
Angel held you a couple of hours and then lay you down on the sofa, tucked you in and decided to make some phone calls to his contacts and informants to find out if someone had put a price on your head. Angel went to his private office but he came to check up on you every once in a while, just to make sure that you were sleeping peacefully. He would have loved to stay with you downstairs but he wanted to find out everything that he possibly could and as fast as possible because he did not want to take a risk of you getting hurt or… killed and therefore he needed to neutralize the threat quickly.
It was late morning, the next day. Cordelia, Wesley and Doyle had all come to work already and you were still sleeping downstairs on Angel’s sofa. Angel had been upstairs having a meeting with his staff-slash-friends about what had happened and now he came down to see if you had already woken up. He had asked Cordelia to bring some breakfast supplies because Angel wanted to surprise you with an omelet. He came down the stars with a shopping bag and just as he was about to turn to the kitchen he looked at you and noticed that the blanket had fallen partially to the floor. Angel put the shopping bag on the kitchen table and then walked to the sofa, grabbed the blanket and just as he was about to put it on you, he noticed the bruise on your right side.
You were sleeping on your left side, facing away from him with your shirt rolled a little bit up which had exposed the nasty injury. Angel recalled immediately you gasping for pain when he had shifted his hand and held you a bit firmer. You however had not told him about the bruise then and you had just told him that you were tired. Angel rolled the hem of your shirt a bit higher and exposed the deep purple bruise entirely. He stared at it with a shocked expression and traced the edges of it with his fingertips just to grasp an idea about the size. You mumbled something, turned on your back and it was getting obvious that you were about to wake up. Angel put the blanket on you immediately and pressed a soft kiss on your forehead. He decided that he would give you a chance to tell about the injury by yourself, but if you did not, he would bring it up and force you to talk about what had happened.
- Morning. you mumbled and smiled a little. It was a new day and you felt a bit better already. Maybe your life was not such a big mess that you had thought… maybe you were not a dead woman walking after all. Besides, Angel had kissed you last night and even though pretty much nothing had happened, it had been quite wonderful.
- Good morning. Angel said but he did not smile back. You could immediately sense that something was not right; it was in his eyes… kind of disappointment or confusion and his body language was everything you had not expected it to be. You had basically hoped him to kiss you or at least hug you but no, all you got was very neutral “good morning” without a smile and then he already walked into the kitchen.
- Did you manage to sleep well? he asked as he unpacked the shopping bag. You sat up and when the blanket slid down to your hips you realized that your shirt had rolled up and your bruise was exposed. You pulled your shirt down, nervously glancing at Angel to figure out if he had noticed the injury or not and then stood up, folded the blanket and joined Angel in the kitchen.
- Yeah, better than I had thought I would. you replied with morning-husky tone. “Good” Angel commented. He was trying to figure out how to bring your bruise up without upsetting you too much so he decided to first find out if you had been patrolling with Wesley lately. He however knew that if you had gotten so badly beaten up on Wesley’s watch, Wesley would have told about it to Angel and Angel was sure about that; he had asked specifically Wesley to inform him about all the injuries that you got, no matter how small, and now you had a large bruise and Wesley had not mentioned it. It could only mean that you had not been with him when it had happened… which meant that unless you had slipped on some kind of threshold, you had been patrolling without Wesley.
- So… How are you feeling? he asked casually and took a bowl out from the cupboard. Angel had decided to prepare an omelet for you and he needed to crack as well as whisk the eggs, mix them with some cheese, herbs and cream before frying.
- Been better, but… I’m feeling… Uhm… not as bad as yesterday. you replied and asked if you could help. Angel shook his head and gestured you to sit down.
- Did you… sleep last night? you asked Angel after sitting down by the kitchen table.
- No. I’ve been up trying to figure out how this all happened. he answered and took a fork to break the eggs that he had broken into the bowl. “Oh” you commented and added “you must be so tired then” with an apologetic tone. Angel took a quick glance at you and then shifted his attention back to the eggs, or seemingly so.
- Do you have any theories? you asked him.
- Not really… and therefore you need me to tell about your patrols. Angel stated casually. He was seemingly focused on his omelet but actually he was following your body language, tones and expressions very carefully.
- Well, nothing out of the ordinary… I suppose. you stated and smiled a little. “I’m sorry for not being able to help” you added after a small pause.
- Oh, it’s okay. I will ask Wesley then. Angel stated and added some cream into the mixture. “Shit” you thought because the truth was that you had not been patrolling with Wesley for at least a couple of weeks.
- Ah, now that I think about it… There were some vampires that got away. you said hesitantly. “Maybe they have something to do with this” you continued and leaned back in the chair. Angel shifted his gaze from the omelet mixture to you and stared at you with a deeply thoughtful look on his face; it was more than obvious that he was evaluating your answer and analyzing your body language.
- Strange that Wesley has not mentioned anything about such events. Angel commented and kept his eyes fixed upon you. You smiled nervously and then said casually
- Maybe he forgot. Wouldn’t be the first time that someone escapes-
- Or maybe he was not with you. Angel stated with a disapproving tone. You chuckled nervously and shifted your gaze elsewhere from Angel.
- Why do you think that? you asked hesitantly. You could feel the noose getting tighter around your neck, so to speak, and finally you realized that Angel knew something that he was not supposed to know. You stated immediately
- I can explain-
- How about you’ll explain that bruise of yours. Angel said firmly. You stared at him with a defiant expression and scoffed, which annoyed Angel even more.
- It’s nothing. you sighed and folded your arms. You had never been too good at taking criticism or being challenged about something that you had done and many times you got very defensive or even attacked the person who dared to question your decisions, judgment and actions. Angel scoffed and shook his head.
- If it was nothing you wouldn’t have jerked the way you did last night. Angel stated and then continued
- If it was nothing, I believe, you would have told me-
- Oh come on! you exclaimed and stood up. You did not need this, not right now… and especially not from Angel.
- Have you seen a doctor? Angel asked with a calm, yet assertive tone. He clearly was not happy about either your injury or the fact that you were belittling the whole thing.
- Of course I- you exclaimed and then added “…haven’t” with a barely audible tone. Angel stared at you with a shocked expression on his face which pushed you over the edge. You told him that he saw you as some weak little girl who needed to be babysat to which he answered by stating that he sometimes thought that you did not understand how dangerous the world could be and that you trusted your own abilities blindly. You kept firing verbal insults at each other, not really knowing why you let the whole argument to get bloated so badly until you grabbed your bag, your jacket and stormed upstairs. Angel followed you as he tried to stop you from leaving.
- Don’t you understand that I care for you! Angel shouted angrily as he followed you through the office. Cordelia, Doyle and Wesley had gathered to see what was going on when they had heard you stomping up the stairs.
- Why don’t you care a little less! you shouted back ignoring the three extra people who were staring at you and Angel with confused expressions.
- The only reason why I have asked Wesley to go with you when I can’t is that I don’t want to lose you! Angel stated desperately but you were not listening, or if you were, you certainly were hiding it very successfully. You groaned in return and stormed towards the main entrance without looking back, you were still being followed by Angel. You heard Cordelia wondering aloud if either of the two guys, Wesley or Doyle, had any idea what was going on. Then she shouted to Angel that it was daytime and asked him to be careful.
- I want to keep you safe, even when I cannot do it myself. he said and grabbed your arm.
It was a sunny day in LA and the sunlight was pouring out from the windows into the entrance hall. You felt Angel grabbing your arm and when you turned to look at him, you noticed that the back of his hand was aflame. Angel stepped back into the shadow and looked at you, bathing in the sunshine, ready to leave the building. His face had turned into the vampire-face due to the sudden pain and now you were staring at him with a disappointed expression decorating your beautiful features. You scoffed and shook your head as you turned away, opened the door and just as you stepped out you stated
- Apparently, I’m not the only one who has been keeping secrets.