As Real As You And Me
As Real As You And Me
When Darcy awoke the next morning, she was surprised to find herself laying on her bed in her lingerie, the room silent and void of any traces of the night before. What surprised her most were her wet cheeks. She felt her pillow, and it was damp. She had been crying in her sleep.
She silently reflected on her dream from the night before, the smell of Steve’s cologne forever burned into her memory. The pain she felt in her heart was staggering, it was a sensation of loss she’d never experienced before. She’d privately promised herself before last night happened that this dream would be the last time, she would never do it again, and she would force herself to get over this silly infatuation with Steve once and for all. She’d decided the next morning when she woke up, she would put on a brave face, and move on with her life. And now…she only felt regret for what could have been. Last night was so perfect, and she got to hear him tell her the words she wanted to hear with all her heart: he was in love with her. But Darcy prided herself on being realistic, and she knew it was only a dream.
So she held her head up. They say you can’t lose what you never had, and you can’t hold on to something that’s not yours. She had to be a big girl and accept it.
‘There could be a freak accident…There could be a fatal disease…’
Darcy startled as she heard music. Her eyes immediately looked to check her cd player, but it was off. She slowly walked over and placed her ear next to the speakers.
‘I know we hate to think about it…But it’s as real as you and me. It’s as real as you and me…’
It was strange, but she really didn’t feel like the music was coming from the speakers yet she could still hear it. She removed the magic disk from the cd player, and unplugged it. Feeling satisfied, she turned around to head for her bathroom. But she was stopped when she heard the faint music again.
‘We could all fall down…Before our Savior could return…I know we hate to think about it, but it's as real as you and me…’
She walked out into the hallway, trying to control her panic. “Jarvis?”
“Yes, Ms. Lewis?” Jarvis was always chipper.
“Are you playing music right now? Is Jane playing something in her apartment?”
“I’m afraid not, Ms. Lewis. In fact, no one is playing music on your floor. Would you like me to play your ‘Wake Up, Slay, Repeat’ playlist?”
“Yeah, Jarvis. That would be great.” She nodded, still lost in a daze.
“Very well.”
The small apartment was silent for a few seconds, and then she heard the music again.
‘If I should go…Hold my hand. If I should leave…Darling comfort me, please…’
She shook her head, thinking she was going crazy. “Jarvis what did you play?”
“Currently playing ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran.” If an A.I. could sound confused, that’s what Jarvis sounded like.
“Okay…yeah…thanks.” Darcy was absolutely dazed now. She was going insane.
She dressed as quickly as she could for work, rushing to brush her teeth and pick out a skirt. All the while, the deeply emotional song playing in her mind squeezed her heart in a vice grip.
‘The earth could quake to ruin…We could drift off in our sleep. I know we hate to think about it…But it’s as real as you and me. It’s as real as you and me…’
These song lyrics were seriously playing with her heartstrings, making her think about everything she promised herself not to think about. She plugged her earbuds into her ears as she walked out her door, hoping blasting other music would overpower the emotional introspection she was being subjected to.
Her phone played The Alabama Shakes, but she didn’t hear a single note of it.
‘The ocean crushed the shore…And take us down forevermore. I know we hate to think about it, but it’s as real as you and me...’
She speed-walked to the elevators and to the labs, barely able to hold back the tears forming in her eyes. Ever step she took it seemed like the song got louder in her mind, resonating deeper in her heart. Once she made it inside she threw her stuff down on her small desk, and slammed down into her chair. She slammed her head down onto her folded arms on her desk, startling Jane.
“Whoa! Darcy, what’s wrong? How did last night go?” Jane asked, concerned.
“Last night was a fucking mistake and I’m never going to do it again! I’m never going to speak to Steve Rogers again, I don’t even wanna see him!” Her muffled declarations took Jane by surprise.
“Why? What happened? What did he do? Darcy, do I need to fuck him up? Do I need to fuck up Captain America?” Jane wraps her arms around Darcy, resting her head on her shoulder.
“No…no, he was perfect. He was absolutely, fucking perfect and that’s why I can never do it again. I just can’t, it’s too much…I’m never going to have something like that with him.” Darcy sniffled and sat up, revealing her blotchy red face and eyes swollen with tears. “I mean, anyone who knows me knows I would never just throw myself at a guy, superhero or not. I’m not the girl to change everything about who she is, but Jane…this was different. He was different. I wasn’t falling in love with Captain America, I was falling in love with Steve Rogers. And I was deluding myself, horrendously. I’m such a fool.” Darcy covered her face with her hands, ashamed.
‘If I should go…Hold my hand…’
Jane rubbed her back. “Darcy, I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You’re wrong, you’re an amazing woman and Steve Rogers would be thanking all his lucky stars to have a woman like you.”
‘If I should leave…Darling comfort me, please…’
Darcy screamed in frustration, wiping her eyes. “That’s not even the worst part! The worst part is that when I woke up, this song started magically playing in my ear that no one else can hear!”
“Are you sure?”
Darcy scowled. “Jane, I’m pretty sure Jarvis suspects I’m doing drugs.”
Jane knew better than to laugh. “Well it’s gotta be the cd…”
“Ugh! I know it is, I just wish I’d never even asked for the stupid cd in the first place…I wish I could go back in time and convince myself never to like Steve at all…” Darcy pouted. “This song—this stupid, depressing, heartbreaking fucking song just plays on repeat in my brain over and over, and it keeps getting louder and louder! It just sits on my heart like a rock, weighing it down, crushing it, reminding me of every stupid mistake I’ve made since the beginning of this mess! It’s like it’s forcing me to feel things that I refuse to let myself feel…I don’t know if I want to sing it, or shoot my brains out to get it out of my head!” Darcy whines.
“Why don’t you sing it? It might help, maybe even make it leave…” Jane suggested.
Darcy sniffles, and shuts her eyes to reign in her frustration. “The earth could quake to ruin…we could drift off in our sleep. I know we hate to think about it…but it's as real as you and me…” She sings shakily, her voice thick with tears.
“If I should go, hold my hand…” The more she sang, the more the song etched itself on her heart, drawing out all the heartbreak and pain she was working so hard to keep behind her walls. Her voice grew stronger the more she was forced to feel, and the song weighed heavier on her heart.
“If I should leave…darling comfort me, please…” Tears fell down Darcy’s cheeks in streams as her voice trailed off. Jane immediately pulled her in for a hug.
“Oh Darcy, I’m so sorry…there’s still so much about Asgardian magic we don’t understand.”
Darcy cried into her best friend’s shoulder, embracing Jane’s tiny person with all she was worth. “It’s so weird, I feel better now…” Darcy said with a half chuckle, tears still falling.
“It’s okay Darce, let it out.” Jane comforted her. She bit her bottom lip in thought before she spoke again. “Darcy, I think the cd is doing this because you’ve been keeping all these emotions built up inside you. You don’t allow yourself to emote, so it’s forcing you release your feelings and confront them. The song…the lyrics make me think the mistake is happening right now, not back then. I think if you don’t tell him how you feel, you’re going to regret it. It’s obvious you have very strong feelings for him. Your heart is literally calling out to him.”
“I don’t know, Jane.” Darcy whispered.
“Just…consider the lyrics for a second. The song is clearly telling you that life is too short to not take chances. If you love someone, you should let them know…and embrace it. Embrace them. Embrace all that you could have with them…don’t let it pass you by. Anything in world could happen between today and tomorrow. Do you really want to leave this earth without letting him know your feelings?”
Darcy wiped her eyes with her sleeve to clean her face. “This conversation got deep really quickly…” She mumbled.
“Love is deep! It is cruel, consuming, uncompromising, and wonderful all at the same time!”
“I hate when you let Thor’s wisdom rub off on you…”
Jane smiled. “A Norse God once told me that our days in this world are numbered…we would be foolish to waste them as cowards. I’m inclined to listen to him.”
Darcy rolled her eyes, making Jane laugh. “Why don’t you go take a walk to clear your mind? You could grab those files we were looking for yesterday from down in the basement…take as long as you need. Have a moment to yourself.”
Darcy nodded, too emotionally exhausted to form more words. She started her long trek to the basement, down to the storage Jane was gifted when they moved into the tower. The further down she went the softer the song in her mind became, yet the pain she felt inside her grew. The tears in her eyes threatened to fall again, but this time she forced herself to suck it up. No more emotional outbursts for Darcy Lewis, thank you very much.
After ten minutes of searching she found the file in an old box they had shipped from New Mexico. She exited the storage space, beginning her journey back to the labs. As soon as she stepped back into the long hallway, the song returned with a vengeance. And it seemed every step she took towards the elevator, it became louder.
‘If I should leave…darling comfort me, please…’
She squeezed her eyes shut tight, willing the song to go away and the day to just end. She willed the pain she felt inside to subside, willed the storm brewing inside her to dissipate, and gripped the file in her hands so hard her knuckles were white. She forced herself to focus on the words typed on the pages as her eyes watered.
She was so determined to ignore the world around her and the war inside her, she missed what was approaching right in front of her.