"The Reason You Suck" Speech
Wade awoke the next morning to a knock on the door, he sighed deeply still really half asleep before attempting to sit up and trudge over to the door to answer the door. A quarter of the way through the attempt he realised three things. One, he had Peter Parker straddling him in an attack koala bear position similar to John and Yoko circa 1981. Two, anyone who was at the door was more than likely bad news, and was definitely going to kill them. Sure, Wade supposed it could be Bob or Al behind the door, but again bad news, will kill them. Three, Wade had a very unfortunate boner that will not be useful to any part of this situation, unless he was planning to intimidate the person behind the door with his sexual prowess. The lycra and spandex was absolutely not helping, in fact if anything they were actively working against him.
So with these three realisations Wade quickly prayed Peter was not planning on waking up anytime soon and shoved his hand down his pants and readjusted himself. He liked to think this made it less obvious but who knows at this stage, as long as it didn’t look like he was an ancient shaman guiding his pupil towards the right path he was fine with it.
{Thank you, Boob Lady!}
[Not helping]
Wade then shook Peter awake, who didn’t react at all to this. Wade had to take drastic measures and, as much as it broke his heart to do so, violently pushed Peter off of him and onto the filthy STI riddled floor. Peter landed with a thump and then loudly groaned. Wade immediately felt guilty, not guilty enough however to check Peter’s wellbeing or anything. He just stood up and grabbed Peter by the arm and attempted to pull him to his feet. It didn’t work, like at all. He just ended up pulling Peter towards him and towards the cupboard Wade was going to hide him in.
“Ugh.” Peter attempted to communicate.
“What’s that, Lassie?” Wade smirked as he continued to pull Peter towards the cupboard.
“Ugh.” Peter scoffed and rolled his eyes, well he tried to the blinding hangover quickly stopped him.
“Mr Tumnus has fallen down a well? Quick, Lassie! Get in here and try to find him, I’ll get help” Wade said urgently, he picked up Peter bridal style and went to place him in his wardrobe.
“Huh?” Peter asked as he investigated the strange hard lump that was now on his hip.
[Oh god]
{Let him find it, this could get interesting}
[Where do you think we are?]
Wade quickly threw Peter into the cupboard with a bit more force than necessary and shut the door behind him. He then took a deep breath and walked towards his front door. On the way he picked up a gun he had lying on the coffee table and stuffed it down the back of his pants. Just in case. He opened the door.
“Took your time.”
Wade was right, and for once he wasn’t overly pleased about it. There he was with a toothy, unbearable, slightly unhinged grin. His fucking white target on his forehead, he probably thinks it’s ironic, it’s not, it’s just as insufferable and melodramatic as the rest of him.
“Sorry Bullseye, mustn’t have heard your villain motif.” Wade remarked dryly.
“Were you talking to someone?” Bullseye asked as he pushed past Wade and let himself into Wade’s apartment.
“Oh I’m considering scatter cushions, I simply must ask you while you’re here, how do you feel about velvet?” Wade asked casually, too casually. It was unnaturally casual and Bullseye knew it, Wade could see it on his fucking smug face.
“Awfully domestic of you.” Bullseye remarked as though he knew something Wade didn’t. “You’re not going soft on me, are you?”
“Rookie, you know I could only ever be hard for you.” Wade said, hopefully Bullseye could see his eyelashes batter through the mask. Bullseye looked at him with a mixture of disbelief and disgust.
{And maybe just a hint of arousal}
“See now, I’m at the crux of a dilemma here. I’m supposed to be the one to kill your little bug boyfriend, but I don’t know if I can do that at the cost of our deep loving friendship.” Bullseye explained, he looked almost genuinely conflicted… almost. He began looking around Wade’s apartment. Not that there was much to look at, unless he had an intense fascination with mouldy pizza boxes and action figures.
“What deep loving friendship?” Wade laughed.
[Even our dumb asses know that most loving friends don’t try to kill each other on a biannual basis]
“I was hoping you’d say that.” Bullseye muttered before ripping off the arm of a Wolverine action figure and throwing it at Wade’s hand which pinned his hand into the wall.
{I always knew Wolverine would be the end of us}
[Why did we have to get the extra-large one?]
“Hey, that was limited edition!”
“Where is he, Wade?” Bullseye walked up to him calmly
“Who? Wolverine? Probably at a bar somewhere called the Lonely Musk. Why you interested? He tends to go for redheads but I’m sure your charming personality will win him over.” Wade babbled cheerily, as though he wasn’t pinned against a wall with nothing but impending doom staring him in the face.
“Listen, Kid. I’m interested in you shut-“
“Oh Rookie, I’m flattered but really you could do so much better.” Wade interrupted, he didn’t get to finish what he was saying because Bullseye put his hand around Wade’s neck and squeezed.
“Shut up, Wilson. You’re in way over your head. Although I suppose that’s the norm for you, isn’t it? I need your little friend, preferably dead, although I can work with alive. And I need him now.” Bullseye loosened his grip on Wade’s neck, not enough to let him go but enough that Wade could speak.
“Your life would be a lot simpler if you just dropped the “I am an artiste” bullshit and kill your target like a fucking normal hit man.” Wade said as deadpan as he could through the coughs.
“But there’s no fun in that is there? There’s no artistry, there’s no respect for the delicate relationship of the hunter and the prey.” Bullseye started to monologue.
{Oh Jesus, here we go}
“You didn’t take your meds this morning, did you?”
“What happened to you, Wilson? What happened to the Wade that I knew all those years ago?”
“Oh are we really bringing out the trademarked Bullseye’s Dramatic Strategy of Manipulation? You know because that never gets old,” Wade rolled his eyes, it’s a good thing that being strangled doesn’t impact Wade’s sarcasm.
[You let me have a good acronym!]
“I’m not manipulating you, Kid. I’m just telling you the facts, how long ago has it been since your last hit? It’s been a while hasn’t it? A year, maybe two. Can you even call yourself a merc anymore? Hell, can you even call yourself Deadpool?” Bullseye knew exactly where to hit, Wade would be lying if he said that Bullseye didn’t bother him. Because he was right really, Deadpool hasn’t been Wade’s highest priority lately. The only work he’s gotten as Deadpool recently was “small favours” for the X men or SHIELD. Not that Wade’s complaining, they pay well and he has Ellie, and honestly Ellie’s worth Wade’s ego.
“Wow it’s almost like I’ve grown into a mature human with a moral compass, isn’t that bizarre?” Wade said
“Oh Wilson, Wilson, Wilson. Don’t you know? Killers like us don’t get to have morals, we don’t get to play heroes. We’ve killed innocent people, it’s a little late to start having morals now. Think of the poor innocent people that you killed for a measly pay check. You think you even have a right to morals? You don’t deserve morals, you deserve to be like me.” Bullseye let go of Wade and let him drop to the floor. Direct hit, once again the Bullseye Dramatic Strategy of Manipulation claims another victim.
[He’s right.]
“Crazy, cold hearted, and alone?” Wade asked shakily as Bullseye ripped the figurine out of his hand.
“Exactly, so kid, tell me, where’s Spiderman?” Bullseye crouched down to Wade’s level.
“Oh Wade honey, why didn’t you tell me we had guests? I would have prepared something, like a better villain speech or a punch to the face.” Wade looked up to see Peter standing in the bedroom doorway completely decked out in his Spiderman costume. Wade would normally question how the hell Peter managed, through his hangover, to get his costume on or even where he got it from in the first place. But this has been a very strange morning he was prepared to let few things slide.
“I would, you see, but god, I couldn’t get a word in edgewise what with all that monologuing.” Wade replied exasperated.
“You kept him here? Wilson, that’s not very smart, I expected more of a challenge than that.” Bullseye glared at Wade, probably miffed that all his expert manipulation was wasted.
“You know me, Bullseye, I’m all about convenience.” Wade said as Peter sprayed his web at Bullseye’s eyes, while he was temporarily blinded Peter kicked him to floor and Wade scrambled to get his weapons. Bullseye didn’t take to recover but by the time he opened his eyes Peter had run out onto the fire escape and swung his way outta there. Bullseye stood up and looked at Wade with this deranged grin.
“The hunt begins!” He said before chasing Peter out the window.
“Well fuck.” Wade sighed to his empty apartment before following Bullseye out. He honestly didn’t know why he expected his morning to go any differently.