Can't Hold His Liquor
Wade had been wallowing in his old apartment for hours now. He was lying on his broken fold out couch while the TV was blasting some godawful reality show that even he drew the line at. Not even Judy cheered him up in this state, and Judy’s never failed him before. He couldn’t believe that Peter Parker had kissed him and Wade’s first instinct was to turn into his fucking third grade teacher and go “safety first, children!” It was pathetic.
Hell, the fact that Peter had kissed him at all was a miracle in itself. Maybe he’d made a mistake, maybe he meant to kiss someone behind Wade and Wade just happened to be in the way. Or maybe Peter tripped and fell lips first. Or maybe he confused Wade with Willem Dafoe, a common mistake, but then there’s the terrible truth of Peter possible being attracted to Willem Dafoe. All were more believable than Peter kissing him because he wanted to or was even attracted to him at all.
And now here Wade was, not telling Peter how he felt or lying in bed all day doing anything but lying, but here in his shitty old apartment staring at the ceiling. He never noticed how many action figurines he had on his ceiling fan until now. He was an idiot, a total complete idiot. Only explanation why he wouldn’t take this once in a lifetime opportunity. Sure he guessed it was safer to not fuck the man being hunted by a man Deadpool has tried to kill multiple times. But maybe one risk wouldn’t hurt… wouldn’t hurt him, Ellie on the other hand. Fuck, parenting is the fucking worst, man.
Speaking of Ellie, he glanced over at the television and Wheel of Fortune was playing. And Pat Sajak could only mean one thing, it was time to call Ellie. He was looking forward to it actually, it was a welcome distraction. Also you know, checking if the child was ok, settling in, safe, all that jazz.
He quickly dialled Emily’s number on one of many burner phones he had lying around. He waited for someone to pick up.
“Hello?”
“Shane! How the hell are you?” Wade said cheerily and a bit louder than intended. Wade had a habit of getting really nervous around Emily’s husband, wasn’t sure why.
[Is it because he has an acceptable job with a house he owns and a loving family?]
{I think it’s more because every time he looks at us he looks like he’s going to pop us like a grape}
“Not bad, Wade, not bad.” Shane replied loud enough for Ellie to hear. At least that’s what Wade was assuming he was doing, because he could hear Ellie, it could only be Ellie, on the other end running out of her room and slamming the door behind her. He then heard the phone suddenly being grabbed and manhandled.
“Dad?”
“Hey baby!” Wade said.
{Whatever we just complained about, we take it back. We take it all back}
[I told you she’s worth it, you never listen]
“Dad! Are you ok? Has anything happened? Can I come home?” Ellie asked rapidly.
“One question at a time, baby, I’m not Bill Clinton, I didn’t come with a pre-written speech”
“Dad!” She replied with less love than the last time she said it.
“Ok, I’m fine, nothing happened, you can’t come home just yet. How are you settling in at Emily’s? You being nice?” Wade said quickly changing the subject. He knew if he kept talking he’d spill out the whole kiss thing, and he was not prepared for Ellie to talk about it non-stop for the next four years.
“I’m always nice.” Ellie protested.
“William Heisman” Wade muttered in between coughs.
“Ha! Well that’s where you’re wrong actually.” Ellie replied smugly. Wade felt his heart freeze in his chest
“Baby, don’t play me like this. I’m old and frail.” Wade warned, Ellie just laughed at Wade’s newfound horror.
“He came up to me today, because he’s back at school now that his jaw’s all healed up, and he said that no one’s ever stood up to him like that before and if I wanted to study with him at the library tomorrow.” Ellie quickly said too excited to slow down.
{Is this the little boy I carried?}
[When did he grow to be so tall?]
“Seems only yesterday that you were small.” Wade murmured.
“Dad! It’s only a study date it’s not like anything’s going to happen, probably, not if I can help it.” Ellie said that last part to herself more than Wade. “Dad are you crying?”
“No, baby, course not.” Wade said assuring.
[Only on the inside]
{And a little bit on the out}
“But Dad, the list worked! Doesn’t that mean it’ll work with Peter too? You know law of averages and the like.” Ellie said trying to get back on Wade’s good side, not that she would ever be on his bad side. She could kill several people at this point and Wade would still set a place for her at the table.
[Not that we have a dinner table]
{Where’s your poetic spirit?}
“How’s Emily?” Wade quickly changed the subject. There was a pause as Ellie seemed unwilling to take the bait.
“What are you hiding?” Elle asked warily.
“Me? Nothing! Why would I hide something from my precious baby girl?” Wade asked defensively.
“Dad, did something happen with you and Peter?” Ellie was very keen to stick her oar into Wade’s business, Wade guessed it was because she didn’t get this opportunity often.
“Nooo… Well yes, maybe, not really. Don’t get worked up about it.” Wade shrugged it off.
“DAD!” Ellie yelled into the phone, so loudly Wade heard Emily on the other end say afterwards ‘Don’t deafen your father dear.’
“Look it was just a kiss nothing exciting, it wasn’t even that long.” Wade said, trying to play down the situation as much as possible. Ellie wasn’t having any of that however.
“Did you kiss him?”
“He kissed me.” Wade answered, he was again nearly deafened by the squeal she let out.
“Dad! That’s great! What happened afterwards?”
“I left.”
“You what?” Ellie said flatly.
“I left the apartment.”
“Dad, how could you be so-“ Ellie said about to go off at Wade.
“May I remind you, before you call me stupid, that you got your first date by breaking his jaw?” Wade interrupted coolly. Ellie was quiet after that. “Mama knows best, child. Now once and for all how is Emily?”
Ellie begrudgingly answered the question, Ellie had been sulking in her room all night as expected. However Emily was extra nice apparently and made her a hot chocolate and told the boys to leave her alone for a little while. Ellie then told Wade all about her day which was a long story that, although Wade loved hearing his daughter talk, didn’t need to be told if Wade was being totally honest. But she seemed happy about it, and that was all that mattered. Eventually Ellie had run out of things to tell Wade considering they only saw each other that morning, although Ellie was perfectly happy to replace that with whatever popped into her head at that moment. Wade had to stop her during a particularly thrilling re-enactment of a Doritos commercial, problem with that was Wade was sitting next to her when she first saw it. With a promise that he’d call again tomorrow, he hung up.
Wade instantly regretted hanging up, because now he was back to wallow in his own loneliness. He had to damn near physically fight off the thought that he had a perfectly agreeable Spiderman, also probably wallowing in his own loneliness, just two floors below. Although the idea that Peter was wallowing over Wade was pretty unbelievable in itself. At some point over the course of the night, Wade dragged himself off the couch and got one of Bob’s microwave dinners for one out of the freezer. Wade couldn’t believe that in one foul swoop he had regressed back into Bob.
It must have been midnight before he convinced himself to go to bed, it must have been because when he got a knock at the door his first thought was how someone dare knock at his door at this ungodly hour. Another thought quickly followed which was oh shit. Wade had his hand hovering over his katana as he cautiously creaked his door open. There in all his messy glory, was Peter Fucking Parker.
“Your apartment is too quiet.” Peter observed. Normally Wade was inclined to agree with him, however, with how loudly Peter just said that sentence, Wade had a difficult time believing that was true.
“So you decided to liven mine up a little?” Wade said dryly as he fully opened the door and let Peter come crashing into his apartment. Wade closed the door behind him and when he looked back to see Peter standing directly in front of him. He says stands, he means more swaying if Wade breathes wrong he could knock Peter over.
“I’m sorry.” Peter mumbled. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it to do it. I didn’t mean to fuck this up, I’m sorry.”
“Are you drunk?” Wade ignored this impassioned speech, instead focusing on the overwhelming smell of alcohol on Peter’s breath.
“I am trying to apologize to you and you are judging my alcohol levels!” Peter protested. Wade rolled his eyes.
“How did you even manage to get like this? I don’t drink.” Wade wondered
“Bob came around, he got out his emergency flask, his ex-wife flask, his inadequacy flask, his hiding from his troubles flask,” Peter listed off. Wade needed to keep a better eye on Bob’s alcoholism it seemed.
“Don’t you have a healing ability? How can you even get drunk?” Wade asked in sheer disbelief, the fact that Bob had enough alcohol on him to get Spiderman drunk was worrying.
“Well, ya got me. By all accounts it doesn’t make any sense.” Peter shrugged before laughing at his own reference. He then suddenly remember what he came here for in the first place. “You’re mad at me, aren’t you? I’m sorry, I wanna make it better, can we just?” Peter said before hugging Wade tightly, the man had a stronger grip then Wade expected and Wade was very thankful for his self-healing lungs
Wade wanted to be irritated but honestly drunk Peter was kind of adorable.
“Ok baby boy, I think it’s bed time for you, don’t you think?” Wade said hoping that Peter was drunk enough to allow himself to be parented. Unfortunately, Peter had other ideas.
“I just think I made you uncomfortable, not just down there, but in general. And when we kissed you were too uncomfortable with it and I’m sorry.”
[And people say we speak nonsense]
“Um, apology accepted?” Wade said very unsure of how he was supposed to reply to that.
“And I just don’t want you to feel uncomfortable around me, I want you to feel welcome and loved. Because you are always, around me.” Peter continued to grovel clearly not hearing Wade.
{Did he just say loved?}
“And you know, Wade, you are so put together and you have this whole life that is wholesome and pure and I’m gonna wreck it all up if I start sticking my tongue down your throat. You were right to run. I don’t blame you. And I thought I was so important to ruin your life, it’s not right.” Peter continued to ramble on despite that Wade had stopped listening at this point and was now searching for ways to sober Peter up.
“Ok stop talking now, have you had anything to eat today?” Wade asked interrupting Peter's moment.
“You.” Peter said matter-of-factly.
“Oh my god.” Wade rolled his eyes so quickly he nearly strained them.
“I’m sorry I shouldn’t have brought it back up.” Peter suddenly pushed Wade away and stumbled over to the couch.
“Peter,” Wade said. Peter turned so fast to look back at him he nearly gave himself whiplash. “I’m not mad at you.” Peter’s eyes went wide.
“You’re not? Oh that’s so cool!” Peter said genuinely. “You wanna keep making out then, dude?” Peter then asked.
{Yes absolutely}
[He’s going to vomit in our mouth}
{Would that be a ba-}
[No that is not a sexy thing to happen you’re disgusting]
“I- no thank you.” Wade said. “I’m going to get you some water.” Wade walked into the kitchen and tried to remember where he used to keep cups.
“Oh,” Peter said sadly. “I should have known you don’t, I mean it was all teasing wasn’t it? You don’t actually feel like that, you’ve got a kid you’re too busy for that.” Peter rambled. Wade brought him an old Macdonald’s cup filled with water, he handed it to him with a kiss on the cheek.
“Stop talking and drink.” Wade patted him on the shoulder as he sat next to him.
“You’re too good to me.” Peter mumbled into his cup before he sipped the water.
[Well now we know he’s drunk]
“I’ve never been too good for anything.” Wade snorted. Peter rested his head on Wade’s shoulder.
“Yes, yes you are.” Peter said softly before drifting off into light snores. Wade quickly grabbed the cup out of Peter’s hand and put it on the ground before he could make any more of a mess.
“Night Petey.” Wade said before lying down on the couch and making both of them more comfortable. He could get used to this.