Clingy Jealous Girl
As soon as Wade reached his apartment, he immediately pulled out his phone and made a call he wasn’t looking forward to.
“What did you do this time?”
“Charming as ever, Emily.” Wade grumbled.
“It’s three a.m., you did something.” Wade could hear her yawn.
“No actually, it wasn’t me this time. I’m an innocent bystander.” Wade said proudly. Emily scoffed.
“That’s great, Wade. I’m going back to bed.”
“Can Ellie stay with you for a couple of days? I don’t think it’s safe for her to be here at the moment.” Wade asked nervously. He didn’t know why he was nervous, Emily would say yes, she loved Ellie just as much as Wade did.
“Should I ask why?” Emily sighed.
“I have a fugitive in my house, you might have heard of him, he’s called Spiderman.” Wade bragged a little, he was allowed to, after living in Wade’s head for that long there were no secrets between them.
“Is he really a fugitive or you hunting for some alone time?”
“How dare you! I would never choose that depraved behaviour over my daughter! How could-“ He could practically see her judgemental glare from the other side of the phone. “It’s a little bit of both.”
“Okay, Wade. I’ll pick her up tomorrow after school.” Emily said.
“You are the best thing to ever come out of my brain, you know that?”
“No, I don’t ever want to know that.” Emily replied. “Go to sleep, Wade.” She said gently before hanging up. Wade was going to have to buy her a card and some flowers.
That next morning, after a restless night, Wade had quietly packed a duffle bag for Ellie. She didn’t seem to appreciate his efforts when she woke up, however.
“Dad, what happened? Where am I going?” She asked urgently as she woke up to Wade placing her duffle bag on her bed.
“You are going to your Aunt Emily’s for a couple of days.” Wade explained. She immediately got her tantrum face on.
{Oh god duck for cover}
“I won’t hear another word about it, you’re going and that’s final.” Wade said calmly. That did nothing to quell the flames.
[At least she doesn’t break things any more]
{Or people}
“Dad, I’m not leaving.”
“Ellie.” Wade warned.
“I’m not going!” She protested before doing the dreaded arm cross and pout combo.
“You’re going to be late for school, you don’t have time for this.” Wade said before leaving her room to pack her school bag.
“Dad!” Ellie whined.
“I said I’m not discussing it, move it, Ellie.” Wade said in his best authoritative Dad voice. He finds the best thing to do with Ellie’s tantrums is to ignore them and hope they go away, five times out of ten they do. Today was not one of those days.
“But why?” Ellie chased after Wade into the kitchen. Wade stopped what he was doing and crouched down to her level.
“Deadpool did a very dumb thing and maybe he’ll tell you about it when you’re older. It’s 7:15 you need to get ready for school.” Wade explained. Ellie didn’t move.
“How long am I staying there?” Ellie asked warily.
“Only a couple of days, a week at most.” Wade replied as earnestly as he could.
“You said that last time.” Ellie said her voice wavering, Wade could see the waterworks coming.
{Just rip my heart out and stomp it in two, why don’t you}
“I also promised you I would never do last time again, didn’t I?” Wade said, Ellie nodded but it didn’t seem to make her feel any better because the lip was now quivering.
[Look if she cries, I cry, there’s just no way we can move forward in our day after this]
Wade quickly wrapped his arms around her and brought her into his chest. Ellie clung to him and Wade felt his shoulder start to get wet.
“It’s ok, it’s ok, Baby, don’t cry. Everything’s going to be alright, it’s just going to be a sleepover and I will call every night to make sure you’re ok and I will see you in a couple of days. It’ll be great, Auntie Emily will do your hair and make you cookies and you’ll see the boys again and you can show them all the cool moves you learnt at soccer.” Wade babbled as he rubbed her back. Ellie still hadn’t calmed down so he just kept talking. “It’s got nothing to do with you, Baby, you’re only sleeping over there to keep you safe. I don’t want you to go, you know? Every day without you will be absolute hell.”
“Absolute hell?” She mumbled into his shoulder.
“Complete torture, you know I’m a wreck without my Ellie-Bellie.” Wade said.
“You better be.” Ellie said sternly as she pulled away from Wade’s hug. Wade wiped her cheeks with his thumb.
{It figures that our misery is the thing that cheers her up}
“Feeling better?” Wade asked, Ellie nodded. “Good, go get ready for school, Baby, and I’ll walk you there.”
“Dad! I’m not six anymore! I don’t need you walking me to school.” She rolled her eyes as she went off to get dressed. Wade stood up and was left alone and confused.
“Fucking kids, man.” Wade shook his head as he got Ellie’s lunch box ready, which was last night’s leftovers.
[Responsible parent, hell yeah!]
“What was that about?” Peter asked from the couch.
{Shit}
[How did we forget he was there?]
“Ellie’s staying at a family friend’s house for the next couple of days.” Wade said simply. “She’s not a huge fan of being sent away.”
“Why’s she going?” Peter frowned at this development.
“I’ll tell you later.” Wade dismissed him with a wave of his hand as he walked over to Ellie’s bag with her lunch in hand. Peter stood up from the couch.
“Wade, what’s happening?” Peter said as he stepped in the way of Wade.
{This may be the best morning we’ve ever had]
[Best?]
{Did I say best? I meant this is the worst thing we’ve ever experienced}
Wade could only glance at Peter before stepping around him and continue getting Ellie’s bag ready.
“Wade.” Peter repeated.
“Fucking fine!” Wade snapped. He pulled out of his hoodie pocket the bloody arrow and the note that was attached, he pushed it into Peter’s chest.
{We did not just kill Peter Parker}
[We gave it to him angrily]
{We could have phrased that better}
“What is this?” Peter asked after inspecting it.
“Someone shot it into my shoulder last night as we were going back to the apartment.” Wade explained. Bag zipped up and ready to go, thank god. Wade looked up to see Peter looking at him concerned.
“Jesus, Wade, you didn’t think to mention it?” Peter said in a hushed tone. “Who did it?”
“An old pal.” Wade explained through gritted teeth. “I bet he was the one who ransacked your apartment as well. The smarmy fucker wanted you to know you were being hunted.”
“Who?” Peter asked very confused at what Wade was talking about. Ellie came back into the room with her duffle bag and went to grab her school bag from Wade. She had this reluctant shuffle going on and she was looking at Wade as though this was the last time she’d see his face.
{Well that just won’t do}
“You’re going to have a lot of fun, baby. If you’re lucky enough Emily might deadlift you over her head again” Wade said excitedly, Ellie giggled at that. That was good enough for Wade. “Come here, give mama a kiss, baby.” Wade said in his best Southern Mother accent and presented his cheek for her to kiss. Ellie stood on her tippy toes and gave him a peck.
“I’m really glad you’re my Dad.” Ellie admitted after she was stood normally.
[If you look down on the floor you might be able to catch a glimpse of my melted heart]
“Mama knows, child, go on girl.” Wade continued in his accent. Ellie laughed as she took her bag and left. Wade watched as she left, his heart falling out of his chest as she did so.
“If you two got any sweeter I wouldn’t have any teeth right now.” Peter remarked.
“She’s my daughter, I’m allowed.” Wade said absent-mindedly, he was still thinking of Ellie. He really hoped she’d settle in ok at Emily’s, it was likely that she’d sit in her room there and sulk in bed until Wade called. In fact, Wade was a hundred percent sure that was exactly what she was going to do. He hoped Emily could at least drag her out of there for dinner.
“Who shot you Wade?” Peter asked gravely.
{Oh boy we’re doing this}
“Isn’t it obvious?” Wade said to a blank stare. “It’s Bullseye.” There was silence for a moment.
“I don’t know if you’ve ever paid attention to the lethal things flying towards you, but Bullseye doesn’t shoot with a bow and arrows. In fact he shoots with literally anything else, it’s kind of his shtick.” Peter said in disbelief.
“Last time I saw him he was pretending to be Hawkeye, it’s got to be him. He’s cocky enough to want to get caught so he can monologue about his genius for finding us before he kills us… well you.” Wade corrected himself, not that it helped the situation. Peter started to rub his temples, that didn’t look like a good sign.
“So let me get this straight, a crazy very dangerous assassin is after me, and you kick Ellie out of the house. Did I get that right?” Peter asked sounding the opposite of grateful.
“What would have you rather me do? Keep my daughter in the same building as someone who is being hunted by Kingpin’s top assassin, god why didn’t I think of that?” Wade said, the sarcasm flying.
“Kick me out!” Peter yelled as though it should have been the obvious solution.
[Huh, never thought of that]
“What and let him kill you?” Wade scoffed.
“Um, hi I’m Spiderman, we might have met.” Peter replied having none of it. “Why the hell would you choose me over Ellie?”
In all honesty, Wade didn’t even consider Peter leaving as an option. It wasn’t an option, because that would involve not seeing Peter again, when would they honestly see each other again? Never is the answer you’re looking for, he’s Peter Parker CEO of Parker Industries and he’s motherfucking Spiderman. He doesn’t need the ninety nine cent store version of Slade Wilson hanging around him. Sure, Wade will see Spiderman again, but in a strange turn of events, Spiderman isn’t the main love in Wade’s life. In fact Wade was unsure how he’d go back to plain old Spiderman after meeting Peter Parker, the real life version of Michael J. Fox in Atlantis. Ok yes, in hindsight, it was a stupid and fucking selfish reason. But Wade doesn’t regret it.
“Because Ellie can leave the apartment without being attacked on sight.” Wade rattled off some excuse to keep Peter off his back. He didn’t think it worked though because Peter rounded in on him.
“But unlike Ellie I can handle it, why are you protecting me like this?” Peter demanded.
[This is a first, we’re being turned on by a frown]
“Because you need protecting, Parker. You’re not invincible.” Wade scoffed.
“Ok yeah, maybe I do, but why do you think I need you to protect me of all people?” Peter crossed his arms.
“I’m totally justified in being insulted by that, aren’t I?” Wade asked to make sure he wasn’t totally crazy for thinking that what he said trampled over any ounce of ego he had.
“For fuck’s sake, Wade.” Peter sighed. Wade wasn’t entirely sure what he was getting riled up about.
“What do you want me to say? That I’m a terrible parent for valuing your safety as much as my daughter’s? Fuck it, fine, I’m a fucking awful parent.” Wade finally snapped.
“Wade that’s not-“
“And you know what, I’m sorry that I have a vested interest in your safety.” Wade continued, Peter looked at him as though this was new information. “Don’t look at me like that, of course I care. Look at you with your stupid effortlessly dishevelled hair that you obviously put effort into and your glasses that you don’t really need, do you, because of the spider vision. You think I could avoid caring about your stupid Mark Cohen lookalike ass, ha! I could only wish. Oh, and that whole I’m just going to casually turn your toaster into a flux capacitor. Fuck you, I don’t need that level of The Professor in my house, get off my fucking island.”
There was silence for a moment as Wade breathed that anger off. As he searched Peter’s face, that was now precariously close to his, he thought of something else to yell at him about.
“And another thing, you’re so fucking-“ Wade started to say but Peter cut him off by closing the gap between them and kissing Wade. Wade had never known the meaning of the word speechless, but that’s the only way he could describe what he was experiencing right now. That and an overwhelming urge to kiss Peter back. So he did and he kind of liked it, a lot actually. Peter was a better kisser than one would expect.
[This isn’t in the plan]
{Yes it is}
[No you’re thinking of the Seduce Spiderman in Ten Days or Your Money Back plan, I’m referring to Uh Uh Uh Uh Keep Ellie Alive Keep Ellie Alive plan. Which if you’ll read section 23 subsection 4.b you’ll see that UUUUKEAKEA places top priority over all other plans, including SSTDYMB]
{You never let us have any fun}
[You never let me have any good acronyms I think we’re even]
Wade reluctantly listened to White and pulled away from Peter. Stick to the plan, keep Ellie safe. Peter looked at him with this lustful gaze like someone had put Vaseline on the camera of Wade’s life, and Wade was going to have the worst case of blue balls known to man tonight.
“I’m moving out,” was all Wade had to say to Peter. This clearly wasn’t what Peter was expecting him to say as any sign of lust suddenly disappeared from his face.
“What are you talking about?” Peter said after fully processing what Wade said.
“I’m moving to the Deadpool apartment for a while, don’t want Bullseye to find this place, or you.” Wade explained. Peter eventually started to nod in agreement.
“Um, yeah I guess that’s fair.” Peter said awkwardly.
{SSTDYMB is crashing clear for the defibrillator}
[Do it for her]
{Don’t just quote The Simpsons at me, do something!}
“Yeah, you need anything let me know. Stay safe.” Wade replied just as awkwardly. He then went over to his front door and left the apartment, all the while avoiding Peter’s gaze.
{Well thanks for that}
[Number 7. Act horrified at the thought that you could ever be in love with him and be a cranky, volatile person around him. Remember, no hero likes a Clingy Jealous Girl]
{Fuck you}