Amazon Chaser
Later that night, way after Ellie had gone to bed, Wade was still up watching the Home Shopping channel at two in the morning. Peter was sat next to him wrapped up in his blanket. Wade was trying very hard not to make a big deal about how Peter had his head rested on his shoulder, not that he was overcome by affection or anything, it was just Peter had been jiggling his leg for the past twenty minutes and honestly Wade was vibrating at this point.
[Also because we’re overcome by affection]
“If you need this because you can’t cook eggs, you don’t deserve eggs.” Peter said to Wade who laughed at that. He was talking about this device that made corn dogs out of your eggs, it looked downright unnatural.
“I bet you could make one hell of a dildo out of that thing.” Wade commented.
“Too long and thin.” Peter dismissed the idea.
{Spiderman has dildo preferences, I have no funny commentary that’s just a weird sentence to say}
“You like ‘em short and stout, eh?” Wade smirked.
“If I’m not fucking a teapot, what’s the point?” Peter said.
“With or without the tea?”
“Depends on where I’m positioned.” Peter said as though he had the experience to back this statement up.
{This just in Barry, the Friendly Neighbourhood Spiderman fucks teapots}
[Finally Mrs. Potts gets the action she so richly deserves]
“It’s a good thing no one in this house drinks tea, or you would be in a constant daze of horniness.” Wade said.
{We say as though our average masturbation rate hasn’t tripled since the Amazing Assman has moved in}
“I’m not averse to a fine looking coffee pot. I’m welcome to beverages from all walks of life.” Peter said.
“Ok would you stop with the jiggling? I feel like we’re revving up for the world’s worst drag race.” Wade had finally had enough.
“I’m sorry, I can’t help it, I should be out there patrolling. I’m being a bad superhero.” Peter whined.
“I didn’t realise I wasn’t sitting next to a sulky five year old.” Wade said completely ignoring any troubles Peter had.
“I’ve got a responsibility to this city, Wade. They need me, I can’t abandon them like this.” Peter said, Wade knew perfectly well where this was leading. He was hoping to avoid this because A) he doesn’t want Peter to blow their cover, B) It might endanger Ellie and C) He had just hit peak comfort on the sofa.
“You overdramatic little shit.” Wade tutted, hopefully that was enough to discourage him.
“I need to be out there, I can’t just sit here.” Peter said as he stood up and started pacing the floor.
“You are like an addict,” Wade commented.
“Wade, I can’t do this I need to be out there.” There was real desperation in his eyes.
{So it’s come to this}
[We’re going to have to get up]
Wade sighed as he stood up.
“Fucking fine, where’s your suit?” Wade asked. Peter lifted up his t-shirt to reveal he was already wearing it.
[Ugh superheros]
“Come with me,” Wade said as he walked out his front door. Peter followed him and went to put his mask on, Wade slapped his hand away. “Do you know nothing about being in hiding? Jesus Christ, thank god I took you in or you’d be dead right now.” Wade grumbled as he locked the door behind them and he walked over to the stairs. Peter seem surprised as he walked up them instead of down.
“Aren’t we leaving?”
“You’ll see.” Wade explained.
They made their way up two floors of the apartment block, they reached a floor where the lights were flickering and there were blood splatters on the wallpaper.
{Should it worry us that things straight out of a horror movie make us feel at home?}
[I think we’re past the point of worrying about us]
Wade casually walked along the creaky floors with Peter slowly tip-toed behind him. Wade finally reached his shitty old apartment, he knew it was his because of the knife in the door and the dried bloodstains on the lock. Peter looked genuinely disturbed at this.
“This is Deadpool’s apartment.” Wade said by way of explanation as he bashed the door open with the side of his torso. “The lock has a finger stuck in it.” Wade said as though that was a perfectly normal thing to happen. Peter didn’t look any less disturbed.
There was no attempt at decoration in this apartment, it was past that Wade had thought. There was peeling disgusting stained mustard yellow wallpaper hanging from the walls, there was a filthy mattered rug in the middle of the living room that very badly needed a dry clean. This was in stark contrast to Wade Wilson’s apartment where it had worn white carpeting with red cordial stains from Ellie’s 7th birthday, and the almost embarrassing pink princess wallpaper Ellie had chosen when she first moved in because the old wallpaper was giving her asthma. Wade looked at this shithole and couldn’t believe he once lived here.
Although it certainly looked like he had lived here with the moldy pizza boxes and the drawings on the wall. Peter was currently admiring a particularly gory one of Ajax, ahh those were the good ol’ days. Wade made his way over to where he kept his suit.
“This… this is what I expected you to live in.” Peter remarked.
“Yeah, I don’t do this life much these days, not with Ellie around.” Wade said simply. He grabbed his suit from his old bedroom floor and started to wrestle it on.
“So why do you keep this place?” Peter asked from the living room.
“Well I can’t afford to get it professionally fumigated, and I am not keeping my weapons collection anywhere near my Ellie-Bellie.” Wade explained.
“That’s fair.”
“Also Bob sometimes lives here, and if I get rid of this place he’ll stink up my couch with his sadness.” Wade said, he still hasn’t gotten over the last time Bob stayed with him.
[Those stains on my shower curtain will never go away]
“As opposed to my insufferable boredom stinking up your couch.” Peter said.
[Yeah but we don’t want to fuck Bob]
{Or do we?}
[Gross. Disgusting. I shall never be clean again]
“Trust me you’re a way better roommate than Bob. You don’t leave your underpants, which you wore for a week straight, in my bed. And then don’t tell me that they’re there so when I get under the covers they sneak attack me.” Wade started having war flashbacks of very crusty underpants suddenly appearing on his torso. He ended up going to Ellie’s room saying that Daddy had a nightmare and can he sleep in her room?
“Well I didn’t before but I can now if you want.” Peter offered.
“NO! Um no thank you that’ll be fine.” Wade replied way too quickly. He could hear Peter snickering in the other room.
{Although if you’d like to leave your underwear on my bedroom floor that’d be more than welcome}
[Is that a sex thing or do you want to start a laundry pile? I’m confused]
{It’s always a sex thing, when will you learn?}
“So you and Deadpool, are they one and the same or is he an… look I’m not saying you’re crazy I just- a lot of these drawings…” Peter trailed off as he struggled to find a non-offensive way to say what he was trying to say.
“Well, yes and no. We were one and the same for a long time there, and then Ellie came along and now he’s just an exaggerated version of me. I think.” Wade explained.
[So where do we come in?]
{Yeah you forget about us Wadey Boy?}
“Maybe we don’t tell the man we’re crushing on about the voices in our head.” Wade muttered to them. “Or the fact we refer to ourselves using the ‘royal we’ what the fuck?”
[We prefer the term boxes]
{That is what we are, don’t you see us?}
“If I saw you two I wouldn’t be standing here I’d be admitting myself to the fucking crazy bin.” Wade shushed them. He finally had his suit fully on, those boots were a bitch to fully get on. Wade walked out to the living room and opened the large wooden cabinet with a large dent in it. Peter was already fully in costume.
“Do I want to know where that dent came from?”
“No, no you don’t.” Wade said.
{We copied that cat if you know what I mean}
[No I don’t, if I ever do kill me]
Wade pulled out his basic Deadpool weapons. Laverne and Shirley, his trusty Katanas, and George and Michael, his faithful .45 Pistols.
{I stand by that the second one should have been called Andrew}
[It’s not as funny]
{If you understand the intricate details of Wham! It is}
[Wow I know both of the band member’s names, how intricate!]
“Ready to go?” Wade asked cheerfully, ignoring the bickering going on inside his head.
“Always.” Peter replied.
They made their way out of the fire escape and onto the streets, at some point in this, Spiderman took over. Wade just made it sound like Peter was suddenly possessed by a demon Spiderman but what he meant was Wade was no longer in charge of where they went next. Spiderman started his patrol, it was still the same old routes but it felt different to Wade. Probably because he was right next to, and occasionally on the back of, Spiderman instead of creepily being ten feet behind him at all times. But it had a different feel, Spiderman’s strong sense of justice might just be rubbing off on Wade but he felt like he was doing a good thing.
Not only did he have a strong sense of justice, Spiderman had a strong unwavering focus that Peter only sort of had. Like Wade had cracked at least five jokes about the hot dog stand being left knocked over and alone on a street corner, but Spiderman didn’t respond to any of them. Whereas Peter would crack about five more. Not that Spiderman didn’t have a sense of humor, it was just a little bit more restrained than Peter’s.
The patrol went fairly smoothly, Wade could see why Peter was so obsessed with getting out here. He was in his element here, Wade had never felt more unnecessary in his life. Spiderman would kick serious ass or rescue a cat and Wade would maybe get a punch in or stand there awkwardly. Spiderman had a flow to this, such a practiced routine, that Wade just felt like a shag on a rock.
They finally made their way back home, they were making their way into the window of Deadpool’s apartment when Wade felt a searing stabbing pain in his shoulder. He glanced over his shoulder to see an arrow sticking out of his back. Motherfucker. He took a deep breath and pulled the arrow out.
{Holy motherfucking shit}
[Never gets any easier]
He looked at the arrow before noticing there was a note attached.
[Oh goodie one of those psychos]
He unravelled the note and looked at what it said.
I see you have an insect problem, I think it’s about time you called an exterminator, kid.
{Oh shit}