It Amused Me
As Wade left the bathroom after his much needed shower, he could hear what he feared the most happening. Bob and Peter were bonding.
“Don’t let him fool you, Mr. Parker. Mr. Wilson, underneath under all that bravado, is a very sensitive soul. For instance, he once visited my house in the middle of the night in tears because he found out the dog that was in the Air Bud franchise had died.” In Wade’s defence, he loved those movies and he was very sleep deprived at the time.
“That was one hell of a dog.” Peter said, Wade couldn’t tell if he was being sarcastic or not.
Wade didn’t particularly want to hear more of his sensitive moments. He had a sinking feeling that Bob was about to bring up the arcade incident and he did not want to hear that story again. He slunk past them into his bedroom so he could quickly change into his clothes. He needed to stop this bonding moment as soon as possible.
After he had changed into his hoodie and jeans, he raced out into his living room.
“Well, I am going to the supermarket!” Wade loudly announced. “You coming, Bob?” Wade gave Bob a look that said you are coming whether you want to or not. Bob frowned at him.
“I don’t see why I would.” Bob said confused.
“Come on, Bob! Petey, you want anything?” Wade asked. Bob reluctantly walked over to Wade, grumbling under his breath.
“Hmm, well now that you mention it, I do have a few things if you don’t mind.” Peter said before picking up a pen and a scrap bit of paper from the coffee table and scribbling down a quick list. He then stood up and handed it to Wade. “If they don’t have any fermion absorption rings then a couple of C batteries and a packet of spilt washer bolts will do.”
“We’re going to the grocery store not Technobabble R Us.” Wade grumbled but pocketed the list anyway. “Don’t set the house on fire.” Wade warned as opened his front door and walked out. Bob chased after him.
“Sooo,” Bob said knowingly.
“So?” Wade said very unknowingly.
“So the naked man in your house is nice.” Bob said full of implications.
[Not something I’d ever thought I’d hear Bob say]
“He is, isn’t he?” Wade replied, careful to keep any affection out of his voice. He refuses to give Bob any ideas.
“Anything you’d like to tell me?”
“Yeah I have a weird looking rash on my elbow, do you think it’s worth going to a doctor over?” Wade rolled his sleeve up and waved his elbow in Bob’s face. Bob slapped it away.
“Did you get a boyfriend without telling me?” Bob asked upfront. Wade admired this new backbone of his, shame it probably won’t last long.
“No, unfortunately I am not sleeping with that very fine piece of ass in my living room.” Wade sighed as he began the long climb down his apartment stairwell.
“Then why is he in your living room?”
“Because he is being hunted by Ol King Pin Bowling.” Wade explained, it took Bob a moment to process this.
“Kingpin? And you let him stay here? Mr. Wilson that may not be the best idea you’ve ever had.” Bob finally said concerned.
“Have you ever known me for good ideas? Don’t answer that.” Wade responded
“He’s very nice, Mr. Wilson. But is he worth compromising your safety for? And what about Ellie?” Bob said putting in the thought and effort into this idea that Wade couldn’t be bothered with.
“Bob, did I really have that much safety to begin with?” Wade said as they finally made it onto the street.
“Mr. Wilson!” Bob chased after him.
“Look I wasn’t thinking ok? When Spiderman asks to move in with you, you don’t really question it.” Wade defended himself. Bob’s jaw dropped to the floor.
[Oh shit]
“He’s Spider-“ Bob started to yell but Wade jumped on top of him and covered his mouth with his hand.
“Keep it down! I didn’t mean to say that, you didn’t hear it.” Wade shushed him. Bob pushed him off.
“Mr. Wilson, how are you supposed to keep Ellie and him safe if you couldn’t even protect him from me?”
“You’re different, you’re Bob.”
“I’m an agent of HYDRA, Mr. Wilson. If I wasn’t such a good friend that could have turned very nasty very quickly.” Bob said in his best intimidating voice, it was more endearing than intimidating. Wade put his arm around Bob as they walked on to the grocery store.
“That’s very sweet of you, Bob. Not betraying one of your oldest and dearest friends like that, why you’re almost a decent human being.”
“Thank you, Mr. Wilson. But my point still stands, he needs to be out of your house, no good will come of this.” Bob warned from the comfort of Wade’s armpit.
“I know, I know. You have every right to say I told you so if this goes wrong. Which it won’t, because nobody is putting their hands on my man or my baby girl.” Wade said protectively.
“Your man?” Bob questioned, whoops.
“It happened it a dream once.” Wade hastily explained. Bob gave him a disbelieving look.
“From the way you’re talking about it I’d say it happened more than once.”
“Shush, Bob. That is on a need to know basis.”
“I think everyone knows by now, Mr. Wilson.” Bob muttered under his breath. Wade ignored him and carried on with his own conversation.
“I’m terrified to open his grocery list. I’m not going to be able to understand a fucking thing on it.”
“He was joking, surely. No one truly expects to find that shit at a grocery store.” Bob scoffed.
He was not joking, they later found out. In fact he was so not joking that Wade damn near had a breakdown in the middle of the grocery store. He had no idea what an electron capacitor was but he did know that it wasn’t in any of the aisles. Honestly reading the list he wondered when was the last time that Peter went into a supermarket. Eventually, Bob picked him off the ground and told him just to get him cupcakes instead, everyone likes cupcakes, there’s no way Peter wold be disappointed by cupcakes. Wade through his stress induced breakdown found himself agreeing with Bob.
By the time he managed to get back home, Wade had lost Bob to an aggressive phone call from his ex-wife. He climbed up the stairs and opened to door to his apartment, he didn’t expect to see what he did.
{Do I have Peter Parker living in my apartment or Jimmy fucking Neutron?}
Peter was currently hanging upside down with some device that Wade didn’t think he owned and a screwdriver. He was focusing really intently on this device, Wade would be lying if he said this didn’t worry him. He also had grease marks all over him and his shirt was so damn tight, Wade had to take a minute before he made his presence known.
“Hey Petey, what happened here?” Wade said in his best concerned parent voice as he made his way to the kitchen.
“I found your tool kit-”
“Tool kit?” Wade interrupted.
[When did we get a tool kit?]
“It was covered in dust but it’s basically brand new never been used. I fixed the locks on the bathroom door and your front door,” Peter explained. This new mad scientist side of Peter was one lab coat away from being the hottest thing Wade’s ever seen.
{Note to self, buy lab coat to lay around house in hope that Peter will wear it}
“Thanks, but why are you hanging from my living room ceiling?” Wade started to put his groceries away. It was at that moment he realised he forget to get something for Ellie’s lunches yet again.
[It’s ok we can let our daughter starve, no problem]
“Helps me think, I noticed your toaster was broken, thought I might make a few improvements.”
“I don’t remember my toaster ever glowing.” Wade remarked.
“Improvements.” Peter explained.
“So, out of curiosity, when was the last time you’ve been at a grocery store?” Wade changed the subject.
“I don’t know, maybe two years ago, why?”
“That explains a lot.” Wade said to himself.
“Explains what?” Peter replied clueless.
{Bless his innocent rich ass}
“Don’t you worry your pretty little head about it,” Wade said comfortingly. Peter shrugged and continued working on the toaster. Which Wade was convinced was no longer a toaster, judging by the way it was now beeping. “Now move, Judge Judy is on.”
“Are you serious?” Peter frowned at him. Wade ignored him as he walked from the kitchen and pushed past Peter who nearly fell from the web he was hanging onto. “Do you mind?” Peter yelled as he readjusted himself. Wade turned on the television, still on an ad break.
“Listen, baby boy, nobody and I mean nobody gets in the way between me and my love Judith Sheindlin. Ever since Bea Arthur went, god rest her soul, she’s all I got in this lonely world.” Wade then moved his hands in front of him in a cross symbol. Peter continued to frown.
“Baby boy?” Peter questioned.
[That’s what he questions?]
{He’s getting too used to us}
“What? Too soon?” Wade asked
“No it’s just- it’s weird to me, I think I like you calling me that.” Peter admitted before going back to the toaster. Wade could have sworn he saw him blushing, which was more likely to do with the fact he’s been upside down for god knows how long now than Wade.
“Good to know,” Wade replied quickly. Suddenly the baliff was on the TV telling Wade to rise for the Honourable Judith Sheindlin.
{Oh boy do we ever}
“I don’t think I’ll ever understand your taste in women, Wade.” Peter rolled his eyes at Wade’s enthusiasm.
“I had some unresolved issues with my mother.” Wade attempted to justify it.
“No please don’t explain it, probably best if I didn’t know.” Peter interrupted him.
“Fair enough.” Wade couldn’t blame him, it was probably best if Wade didn’t know either.
Ellie came home at six that evening, which was three hours later than she normally does. Wade was not impressed, not impressed at all. Particularly because he had to phone Al to abort the scent hounds rescue plan.
“Eleanor!” Wade snapped at the twelve year old who was attempting to sneak past Wade making dinner in the kitchen. “You think I can’t see you?”
“Hi Dad! Fancy seeing you here! Dinner smells delightful!” Ellie was laying it on thick.
“Sit down child.” Wade said and pointed with his knife to the stool next to the kitchen counter.
“Someone’s in trouble!” Peter said in a singsong voice from the couch, he was watching Jeopardy which Wade has never watched and never wants to watch in his life.
“Go back to your nerd show, Parker. This is between Eleanor and me.” Wade cracked his neck and stared down his daughter, a trick he learnt from his own father, although his Dad usually followed with a bottle to the face.
“Listen I can explain.” Ellie tried to defend herself.
“Not even a phone call? Eleanor, do you know how worried I was about you?” Wade scolded.
“Not worried enough to put a hold on dinner.” Ellie muttered.
[She has a point]
“Don’t you sass me, young lady. Where were you?” Wade ignored White’s logic and carried on telling off his daughter.
“I was at the library redoing my book report.” Ellie said, Wade didn’t know whether to believe her or not. He leaned down to her and squinted his eyes at her. She stared at him back. “Ms. Hoover said since I failed on a technicality if I handed in another book report by the end of the week she’d grade me on that one instead.”
“Sounds acceptable, you didn’t think to call me though.” Wade backed off and returned to chopping his onions.
“Sorry Dad,” Ellie said, she was a good kid. Sometimes Wade had a hard time believing she was his good kid, he always thought his kid would be some wild, violent, out of control kid like the ones you see on Dr Phil, like the kid Wade was. He didn’t know how he managed to get Ellie out of all this but he was grateful.
“Don’t do it again.” Wade warned softly. Ellie smiled at him before joining Peter on the couch.
“What’s this nerd show then, Spiderman?” Ellie asked innocently, without the snark of when Wade said it. Peter frowned at her.
“Baby, you can call him Peter.” Wade said
“Have you not seen Jeopardy? It’s an American Classic. Wade, what have you been teaching this kid?” Peter said insulted.
“I’m Canadian, I don’t need to teach my daughter about your pathetic classics.” Wade scoffed.
“What’s it about?” Ellie asked ignoring the race war going on around her.
“It’s a trivia show, Alex there tells you the answer and you have to guess the question.” Peter explained.
“Um, ok.” Ellie said tactfully.
{She thinks it’s dumb, points to us}
“Ha! Your American influences have no effect on our Canadian lifestyle.”
“Since when are you patriotic?”
“Since it involved proving you wrong.”
“Dad! They’ve got your category on here” Ellie said excitedly.
“What’s that?” Wade said, he didn’t like the sound of this.
“Great Mistakes in History.” Ellie laughed.
“Ouch.”
{It’s days like these I wish she took more after her mother}
“You better put some aloe vera on that cause you got burned.” Peter said before high fiving Ellie.
“This must be what hell feels like.” Wade muttered to himself.
“Just kidding, Dad, love you!” Ellie said comfortingly.
“Yeah, yeah, love you too.”
“They had such hits as ‘I Can’t Fight This Feeling’ and ‘Keep on Loving You’” Alex said from the TV.
“What is REO Speedwagon?” Peter yelled at the TV.
“Never took you for an REO Speedwagon fan.” Wade remarked.
“80’s hair bands are what my childhood special, Wade.”
“Are you serious?”
“Are you questioning my love for 80’s hair bands?”
“Maybe I am, maybe I don’t believe you, you do seem more like a Spice Girls fan than anything else.” Wade remarked. Peter stood up from the couch with his chest puffed out, Wade had never seen anyone more insulted.
“Spice Girls? Spice Girls? You dare insult me like this?”
“Oi! I won’t hear a bad word against them, not in this household.” Wade interrupted Peter. Peter ignored him and carried on.
“I can’t believe you would question my love.”
“Prove it” Wade said. Only now he noticed how close they were to each other, he could see Ellie watching them out the corner of his eye.
“Is that a challenge?” Peter asked, Wade shrugged with a smile. “Oh, it is on, Pretty Boy.”
[Pretty boy?]
{Are we dreaming? We’re dreaming right?}
“How are you going to prove this exactly?” Wade asked. He could see Peter falter for a second.
“Um, I didn’t think that far.” Peter admitted. Wade pulled his phone out of his pocket, he opened Spotify and pulled up the lamest 80s playlist he could find. “Nice case.” Peter smirked.
[In hindsight we probably should have removed the Spiderman pin up case]
“Let’s play a fun game of name that tune.” Wade ignored Peter as he pressed play. The late and great Cutting Crew started to play.
{A classic if ever I heard one}
The organ intro didn’t even get to finish before Peter raised an eyebrow at him.
“What kind of amateur do you think you’re dealing with? Open parenthesis I Just closed parenthesis Died in Your Arms Tonight by the almighty one hit wonders Cutting Crew.” Peter scoffed.
{Oh we’re just getting started}
Wade pressed skip, Quiet Riot played. Peter had this cocky expression on his face that was kinda hot, Wade wasn’t going to lie.
“Cum on Feel the Noize, spelt with a z for that extra hardcore 80s vibe.” Peter said about five seconds into the song. Wade pressed skip, these songs were getting lamer and lamer and Wade loved every second of it. Motley Crue was up.
“Kickstart My Heart,” Peter said thoughtfully thirty seconds into the song.
“Things getting a little difficult for you?” Wade asked smugly.
“Never.” Peter stared him down, Wade pressed that skip button. This took a little longer, nearly a minute. “Oh, Rock the Night. You thought you could get away with Europe’s lesser known hit, right? You thought wrong.”
“Did I? I swore I nearly had you for a second there.” Wade pressed skip, that guitar licked into Wade’s very heart. “OH, oh I fucking love this song. Sit down, boy, you’re about to get schooled.” Wade pushed Peter onto a stool as Wade donned his best 80’s superstar pose.
“I doubt it,” Peter scoffed.
“Now listen, Not a dime, I can't pay my rent I can barely make it through the week. Saturday night I'd like to make my girl but right now I can't make ends meet.” Wade sang as he climbed on top of the coffee table. Ellie put the TV on mute as she watched Wade pose, she knew good entertainment when she saw it. “I'm always working slaving every day, gotta get away from that same old same old. I need a chance just to get away, if you could hear me think this is what I'd say.”
At this point Peter must have felt left out because he stood up and joined in for the chorus.
“Don't need nothin' but a good time. How can I resist?” They sang together, well sang more like yelled with passion. Peter made his way to Wade as he stepped off the coffee table. They were now in each other’s faces. “Ain’t looking for nothing but a good time. And it don’t get better than this.”
Wade watched as he let Peter take the next verse. If you would have told him a couple of days ago that fucking Spiderman would be in his living room jamming out to Poison. And Wade means jamming in the lamest sense possible, like this was embarrassing Dad at a wedding levels of jamming. Wade wouldn’t have believed you, Wade still doesn’t believe this. This is the guy that a week earlier Ellie said was too unattainable, this is the guy Wade used to get completely tongue-tied around, this is the biggest badass Wade knows. And he’s a complete dork, not even a cool hipster dork, there’s no irony or pretence here. Peter genuinely enjoys godawful lame music, he makes a toaster turn into an alien vessel for no other reason than boredom, he watches Jeopardy for fuck’s sake. He was the furthest thing from cool that Wade’s ever seen, which is a title that Wade himself thought he had claimed. Wade, going into this bet, only thought he had a tendency to get boners around Spidey and that was the full extent of his attraction. Wrong, oh so wrong, if the dork doing air guitar in his living room was anything to go by he might be in deeper than he thought.
[This might be a problem]
{Oh is there? Number 24. Sing}