Naked First Impression
Wade went straight back to bed after breakfast, sure he liked spending time with Spidey, but he loved his sleep more. In fact after spending all night dragging strange men home with him, he loved his sleep now more than ever. His sleep was interrupted however by Peter’s assistant dropping off some emergency supplies. While Wade was truly happy for Peter, getting his glasses back and all, that wasn’t enough to recover from the loss of Wade’s precious beauty sleep.
{Lord knows you need it}
The worst of it was it was too late now to go back to sleep, it was 10:30. As much as it hurt, he needed to be a responsible adult and get out of bed. He took off his pyjama shirt that was older than Ellie and his sweatpants with several holes in them and chucked them in the laundry basket before making his way to the shower. He opened to door to the bathroom and walked in locking it behind him. As he turned around, a very much naked Peter Parker who had a towel over his head to dry his hair walked straight into him. Both of them screamed on impact, Wade immediately took the towel off of Peter’s head to hide his thunder while Peter panicked and used the bathmat.
[We have been blessed on this fine day]
“What are you doing? Why are you naked?” Peter yelled at him from under the bath mat.
“I live here!” Wade yelled back.
“That does not justify you being naked!” Peter snapped at him.
“Oh, I’m sorry should I not shower while you’re here? I’ll make a more conscious effort to avoid bathing, I didn’t know it offended your sensibilities, is it a spider thing?” Wade ranted back. Peter was a very bright red at this point, what emotion that was causing him to turn that colour Wade didn’t know but he hoped it was lust.
“Why didn’t you knock?” Peter spluttered out, witty as ever.
“The door was unlocked, what’d you expect to happen?”
“You call that thing a lock? If I used it I would have been stuck in here for days! I just didn’t have the constitution for 127 Hours situation, Wade.” Peter sniped back
{There’s that wit}
“Even Ellie can unlock this door, Dr Parker.” Wade said scathingly as he stood up and carefully tied the towel around his waist. He then went over to the door and jiggled the knob while twisting the latch. “It’s not rocket science, Doctor, you just have to have some patience and-“ Wade suddenly went quiet as the knob came off in his hand. Peter looked at the knob in Wade’s hand before putting his head in his hands.
Wade felt a strong sense of panic before he realised that God himself had placed him in a room naked with a naked Peter Parker with no way out. Even if Peter killed him he would die a happy death.
Unexpectedly Peter let out a laugh, it wasn’t a quiet one either, it was a “couldn’t stop it if I tried” laugh.
[We should still be prepared to run, just in case]
“Close your eyes I’m taking your towel.” Peter said in an affectionate “oh you” tone as he stood up while holding the bath mat around his waist.
“Are you trying to seduce me, Mrs Robinson?” Wade asked but closed his eyes anyway.
“You wish.” Peter said as he seamlessly transitioned Wade from towel to bath mat, “Hold on to the bath mat, I ain’t seeing Lil Wade today.” Peter took the knob out of Wade’s hand as Wade moved them down to the bath mat.
{He’s just setting himself up for these at this point}
“But he wants-“
“You can open your eyes now.” Peter interrupted that particular train of thought. Wade looked down to see Peter crouched next to him inspecting the door handle with the towel tied firmly around his waist.
“How bad does it look, Doctor?” Wade said dramatically.
“Well I’ll say this, it’d look a lot better if your naked crotch wasn’t next to my face.” Peter said sombrely.
“Shh you’ll hurt its feelings,” Wade said as he put a finger to Peter’s lips, well he tried to, Peter didn’t even look away from the lock as smacked Wade’s hand out the way before it made impact.
“Do you have tweezers in here?” Peter asked, Wade squatted down to Peter’s level.
“Look into my bald eyes and ask me that again.” Wade replied.
“Well excuse me for not knowing you were hairless, by the second time seeing you without your suit I should have gotten those finer details down pat.” Peter said, the sarcasm radiating off him, as he searched the room for something pointy.
“Insincere apology accepted.” Wade said, not that Peter was listening, he was now going through Wade’s bathroom cabinet.
“How come the only thing you have in here is a Spiderman Crossword Puzzlebook?” Peter asked genuinely concerned.
“Oh! Speaking of, what’s the official name of your web thingy?” Wade said seriously, he had been stuck in that one for a solid week.
“Web shooters?” Peter frowned at him.
[How did we not get that?]
“Oh, well now I just look like an idiot.” Wade said as he sat on the floor defeated.
“Wade you looked like an idiot when you only had a crossword puzzle in your bathroom.” Peter said, Wade could only nod in agreement. Peter gave up on his search for anything useful and sat down next to Wade “So how are we getting out?”
“Me and Bob have been practising our telepathy recently. We’re still fine tuning the details but I think it could work.” Wade suggested, the look Peter gave him told him this wasn’t an option.
[Still doing it anyway, we need the practice]
{Mork calling Orson, come in Orson}
“In theory, I should be able to bash the door down, but then we wouldn’t have a bathroom door and, even worse, my bath mat will fall off.” Wade thought aloud.
“Perish the thought.” Peter said dryly.
“Well I don’t have any better ideas and, to be honest with you, I’m tempted to do what I came in here for.” Wade said as he went to stand up, Peter quickly grabbed his arm and dragged him back down.
“Don’t you even think about it.” Peter snapped at him.
“Can’t handle my thunder eh?” Wade nudged Peter with his elbow.
“Thor himself would look at the thunder I have seen today and say that is too much.” Peter replied.
“My unsheathed thunder and Thor? In the same room together? Have you been reading my dream journals?” Wade said. Peter laughed at that.
“I’ve never been able to tell with you, is it all one big joke or are you actually…” Peter trailed off.
{“Never been able to tell,” rude}
“I’m especially,” Wade clarified.
“Yeah, me too.” Peter agreed.
“You too what?” Wade said obliviously.
“I’m bi too.” Peter said, his voice broke as he said it as though he was saying it for the first time.
{But that would mean… noo}
“My goodness was that nerves I detect? Is Dr Peter Piper Parker closeted?” Wade said in a mock scandalised tone.
“Possibly,” Peter admitted. “But not because I haven’t tried, people just assume I guess.” Peter shrugged, it clearly bothered him but Wade didn’t particularly want to press the issue.
“Do you wanna know how Ellie found out?” Wade asked. Peter nodded. “So this was way back when she was six and she had just moved in. And I was so nervous and stressed out because she had never lived with me before, and I was terrified I was going to screw her up. So I was constantly around her like would not leave her alone, which she loved because she was six. But then a friend of ours came over and saw that I was just a wreck and said to me you need to get laid and I said but Ellie. And she was like I’ll watch her you go out and have a good time. So the next night he came over to babysit and I went out, and I got blindingly drunk which believe me I didn’t think could happen. And through this drunk haze I miraculously managed to pull a guy, and I also may have forgotten that I had a six year old at my house and a 70 year old blind woman snoring on my couch. I bring him home and we’re getting into it and like halfway through I hear a knock on the door and it’s Ellie and she had a nightmare and she walked in on me giving her another one.”
“Oh my god.” Peter said through his laughter.
“It wasn’t funny! It was devastating for both of us, I didn’t get to finish and she saw me in a position no girl should see her father in. I spent the next two days crying in a ball, I was convinced I ruined everything.” Wade said.
“What happened with Ellie?” Peter asked.
“She crawled into my bed of shame and told me she still loved me and it was okay if I brought home a new daddy instead of a mummy. And then she gave me a picture she drew of a witch turning another witch into a bee, I still have it somewhere.” Wade reminisced his voice full of affection. Wade still wonders to this day what the hell that picture meant.
“I have a similar story actually, but with my Aunt, it’s not as cute.” Peter said.
“Yeah, that sucks man, my Dad wasn’t on board with it either.” Wade said comfortingly, Peter suddenly went a bright red.
“Oh no, she wasn’t like that, it’s just there was only me to walk in on.” Peter quickly clarified.
“I can’t believe I felt sorry for you.” Wade scoffed.
“You should, I couldn’t face her for weeks after that. I broke her.” Peter said looking completely traumatized.
“Don’t you compare your teenage jerking off to my father daughter moment!”
“Hey I was twenty three!” Peter said in his defence.
“This is the most pathetic thing I have ever heard.”
“More pathetic than two fully grown men getting stuck in a bathroom?”
“Absolutely.” Wade said, although not as pathetic as Wade right now, he could not believe this was the same suave Spiderman he’s known all these years. The same Spiderman that Wade thought was so much better than he was and always felt weird talking to because he’s goddamn Spiderman and Wade’s an insignificant shit stain on the underwear of humanity. This was unbelievable.
At that moment, Wade heard his front door open.
“Mr Wilson? Are you ok? I had this sudden sinking feeling that you were in trouble?” Bob’s distinctly annoying yet somewhat endearing voice yelled through his apartment.
{IT WORKED}
[One step closer to ruling the world]
“In here, Bob!” Wade yelled back. He could hear Bob’s barrelling footsteps as he raced over to the bathroom door. He then heard a thud.
“It appears to be locked, Mr. Wilson.” Bob said pointing out the obvious in typical Bob fashion, Wade sighed as he stood up out of the splash zone, Peter followed suit.
“That would be the trouble, Bob.” Wade pointed out.
“Have you tried unlocking it?” Bob helpfully suggested.
[Excuse me while I find a nice piece of wall to bang our head against]
“Wow, why didn’t I think of that? Thanks Bob, you’re a lifesaver.” Wade said in full sarcasm mode.
“No problem, Mr. Wilson!” Bob said cheerily.
{Will he get it? Find out next week on Bob’s a Fucking Idiot Why am I Still Friends with Him?}
“Uh, Mr. Wilson?” Bob asked after a few minutes.
“Yes, Bob?” Wade replied, he could see Peter snickering out of the corner of his eye.
“You’re not unlocking the door.”
“No, Bob.” Wade said, this sounds promising.
“Why don’t you?”
“What do you think, Bob?”
“You haven’t decapitated yourself in the shower again, Mr Wilson?” Bob tutted. Wade couldn’t believe this.
“Again?” Peter whispered to Wade.
“It’s a long story.” Wade whispered back to Peter.
“I don’t really want to reattach your head again, Mr Wilson, it was pretty gross last time.” Bob admitted.
“My head is still firmly attached, Bob.”
“Oh thank god.” Bob sighed a breath of relief. There was silence for a few minutes.
“Bob?”
“Yes?”
“I’m still stuck in the bathroom.”
“Oh! Right.” Bob said, suddenly gunshots went off and Peter leaped on top of Wade and brought him crashing to the floor. The door swung open revealing a proud Bob.
“Jesus fucking Christ Bob!” A very confused Wade yelled from underneath a naked Peter.
“Oh I see you have company.” Bob said with a smirk.
“Peter what the hell?”
“I was protecting you from the bullets.” Peter explained.
“Ah yes the ten minutes it would have taken me to recover really needed preventing” Wade replied.
[I don’t know why you’re so annoyed at this isn’t this what we wanted to happen?]
“It’s the principle of the thing.” Wade replied to White. Peter frowned at him. “Now all of you get out I’m having my damn shower.” Wade said as he pushed Peter off him.
{Scrooge McDuck over here needs time to bathe in his own money apparently}
“You’re welcome.” Peter and Bob replied simultaneously. Peter stood up and offered his hand out to Bob who raced over to shake it.
“Peter Parker, I don’t believe we’ve met.”
“I’m Bob, the official pain in Mr Wilson’s ass.”
“Get out!” Wade yelled at them both. Ugh who would have thought his day would turn out like this, he didn’t even get to see all of Peter’s dick. What a pathetic excuse for a day.
[Leave the bathroom door open for him to walk inside and see you naked.]
Huh, well, what do you know, day not wasted after all.