Tomato Surprise
Wade didn’t see the incredibly attractive Spiderman for a week after that, this was intentional. Ellie’s next idea was for Wade was for Wade to hit the books and add a few points to the ol’ IQ. She said this would fulfil both get a degree in chemistry and develop a love for books and other intellectual pursuits. However she wasn’t the one reading Photosynthesis for Dummies at 3 am on a Sunday night.
{Because I know the first thing I look for in a man in an in-depth knowledge of plants and plant based life}
[Ohh baby tell me about the photoautotrophs again]
How Wade hasn’t already seduced Spiderman was beyond him, with this level of dedication. He had already memorised the laws of motion, objects stay still, object moves if something pushes it, how hard could it be to impress Spidey?
Wade has never considered himself stupid, he’s considered himself a lot of things, but stupid was never one of them. However, after reading almost all of Ellie’s textbooks, he’s starting to change that opinion of himself. Honest to god, his brain physically hurts from all this reading, and Ellie was back at school and Wade could only ask Bob for help on this. Bob’s wisdom when asked was repeating that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell over and over again.
Eventually Wade had to throw the book down and say fuck it this is the smartest I’ll ever be. Thanks to years of practice he was able to find Spiderman on a rooftop, he must have been bored because he was using his web to draw something on the ground. Wade snuck behind him and examined what it was, it was a few stick figures and a rectangle, huh.
“You know I’d stick with your day job if I were you.” Wade remarked. Spiderman didn’t even look up.
“You could do better?” Spiderman asked before adding a few lines around the building.
“Are atoms made up of subatomic particles?” Wade replied, Spiderman was silent for a moment.
{He’s already wowed, that didn’t take much}
“Alright then, give it a whirl, Einstein.” Spiderman held out his hand.
{That’s what she said}
[Was that the best you could come up with?]
“What kind of a girl do you take me for?” Wade replied shocked in a conservative southern accent, before taking Spiderman’s hand. Wade pictured this being a more touching moment but he was holding Spiderman’s hand as though his own hand was a c-clamp. As much as he’d like to, he can’t beat Spiderman’s pathetic ass if he interlaces their fingers.
“Just a girl who can’t say no apparently.” Peter replied. Wade pressed down on the switch and started drawing a far superior small human next to Spiderman’s shitty diagram.
“I’m in a terrible fix!” Wade sang before asking. “So who is this supposed to be?”
“Well Wade, that is a gang member.” Spiderman explained as though he was explaining it to a child, Wade felt like he should resent that but he was holding Spiderman’s hand and therefore he didn’t care.
“So like leather jacket and a quiff?” Wade said before adding a little quiff to the tiny person. “Any girls in this gang? Are we equal opportunity?”
“Oh come on you’re not that good,” Spiderman protested. Wade then drew another tiny person with the same look but with a cleavage line. Spiderman laughed at his crude drawing.
[Rude]
“That statement was about as true as a nucleus of a prokartite.” Wade casually dropped another knowledge bomb.
“It’s a prokaryote.” Spiderman gently corrected.
[Foiled already.]
{All that reading for NOTHING}
“How would you know?” Wade scoffed as he finished drawing the gang.
“I don’t know, I think it might have something to do with my doctorate in biochemistry but who knows?” Spiderman shrugged, Wade could practically see the smirk underneath the mask.
[That plan was doomed from the start wasn’t it?]
“Well doctor, you might know a thing or two about biochemistry but what in the hell is that wonky rectangle meant to be?” Wade quickly changed subjects to make him seem less like a fool.
{No change in subject is big enough to achieve that}
“It’s my apartment block.” Spiderman said, Wade nodded and began drawing his much better building.
“Do I get the story behind this drawing?” Wade asked cautiously. Spiderman shrugged.
“Kingpin figured out where I lived. One of his mooks broke in the other night.” Spiderman said as though it wasn’t the big deal that it clearly was. Wade dropped Spiderman’s hand out of shock.
“You need to move the fuck outta there, man. You need to go in hiding, fuck, why are we even talking? We’re wasting time, I hear Tijuana is great this time of year.” Wade babbled as he started to walk away, fully expecting Spiderman to follow.
“Um, why would I? I’m Spiderman, I’ve beat him before, I can do it again.” Spiderman said flippantly, Wade hoped Spiderman detected the very heavy eye roll in his direction before walking back to him.
“Right, you know he’s in charge of the Assassin’s Guild now, and that he’s ruined Daredevil’s life like four times.” Wade babbled, Spiderman put his hand on Wade’s shoulder in an attempt to calm him down.
[It’s working]
“Wade, trust me I’ll be fine. He knows not to fuck with me.” Spiderman said with an uncharacteristic intensity that Wade’s never seen before.
{It’s kinda hot}
[Really hot actually]
{One way ticket to Bonerville anyone?}
[All aboard!]
“Can’t this just be wank bank?” Wade muttered to himself.
{You’d like that wouldn’t you?}
“What do you mean by wank bank?’ Spiderman asked confused. Goddamnit.
“Oh no I said um we’ve got to thank thank the gods because he knows not to fuck with you.” Wade quickly corrected Spiderman while positioning himself so it wouldn’t be totally obvious that he’s at half-mast right now.
[Smooth]
“Which in mobster speak means he going to send someone else to fuck with you. For a superhero you don’t know shit about how villains work, huh?” Wade said amazed at the naivety of this boy.
“I can handle an assassin or two, big deal.” Spiderman scoffed.
{Bless his cotton socks}
“Really? Because I very nearly died at the hands of one of his assassins. Now let’s review, me, a man with a mutant healing ability which makes me basically immortal, had one of his assassins attend my funeral.” Wade’s exaggerating and sort of lying but anything to get the point into Spidey’s thick skull. “This picture that you seem to think is how this is going to go? It’s bullshit, you’re going to go through hell if you don’t do something.” Wade was basically pleading at this point. Spiderman searched Wade’s face for a moment, Wade wasn’t sure for what but Spiderman seem satisfied with what he found.
“Okay.” Spiderman finally said.
“Okay?” Wade was confused.
“You’re right, it’s not safe. What should I do?” Spiderman asked genuinely.
{He’s coming to us for advice?}
[He must be desperate]
“Well first off, you are not going back.” Wade said letting his overprotective parent side shine through.
[That’s a little strange to say about the man you want to get jiggy with]
{Jiggy?}
“So where would I go?”
“If I were you I’d go hotel hopping or stay with someone who I don’t care too much about.” Wade said.
“So with you then?” Spiderman laughed. Wade probably should be offended but the prospect of Peter Parker living at his house is just possibly maybe the best thing to ever happen to him.
[Except for Ellie of course]
{Yes, I see your point, but I raise you one spectacled Peter Parker in-}
[Say no more]
“Sure,” Wade replied almost instantly. Spiderman looked taken aback by that.
“Are you sure? I mean, what about your kid?”
“Do you honestly think that a mercenary would have a child without having several safety precautions in place? There’s a reason she’s made it to twelve and it’s called Papapool kicks serious fucking ass to protect his baby girl.” Wade bragged, he was allowed to be proud of having an alive child, what of it? Spiderman took a moment to consider this offer.
“You know what, fuck it, I’ll live with you. I’ve lived with a lot worse.” Spiderman finally said.
[Is this on the list?]
{Be a Doom Magnet, and find a man who is equally one himself. You'll bond together for safety alone, even if you don't consider him your truest love.}
[Well, I’ll be damned]
“Ohhh I doubt it.” Wade chuckled sinisterly. He didn’t mean it to come out that way, it just happened. He looked over at Spiderman who was clearly regretting some life choices.
Wade made the twenty minute trip including subway ride back to his apartment with Spiderman trailing behind him, Wade liked to think this made Spiderman appreciate the effort he puts into stalking him. Although, in actuality Spiderman was probably just judging Wade’s shitty Port Morris apartment building, the elevator had broken a while ago and not in a cutesy Big Bang Theory way but in a no one has looked at this apartment building in thirty years way. The wallpaper was peeling off, the stairs looked like it physically hurt them to be stepped on, and Wade’s door had a specific way of being unlocked. Special as in the lock was broken and you had to hold the key at a specific angle while pressing against the door before the door would even consider unlocking. Although tonight the door just wouldn’t budge and, as Wade was basically lying on the door, it finally decided to open and Wade fell smack bang on the floor. From his deathbed on the floor he could hear Spiderman giggle.
{If he wasn’t so gosh darn cute we’d be annoyed right now}
He managed to pry himself off the floor and grab a few blankets and pillows from the linen cupboard.
[The linen cupboard, our one constant reminder that we’re a grown ass adult]
He threw them on the couch and wished Spidey a good night, but not before catching a glance of him taking his suit off. Woo boy. What have we gotten ourselves into.
“Dad!” Wade was woken up the next morning at what felt like an ungodly hour by his daughter jumping on top of him and poking him in the chest.
{Boy I just love being a parent}
“What is it, my precious angel?” Wade groaned and rubbed his chest, Ellie had more upper body strength then he remembered.
“There’s a naked man in the living room!” Ellie had this genuine look of fright on her face, all Wade heard however was naked. He threw Ellie off him onto the other side of the bed and raced to the living room.
“Ellie, he’s not naked, he’s just shirtless.” Wade sighed sadly before lumbering back to bed. Ellie stopped him, clearly not calmed by this.
“Who is he? Why is he here?”
“Oh that’s just Spiderman, he’s coming to stay with us for a while. Don’t worry about it, sweetie.” Wade said dismissively.
[Bed. Bed. Bed. Bed]
“And you didn’t think to consult me?” Ellie asked insulted. Oh child, this is going on the list of best things Ellie has ever said to Wade.
{It’s right up there with “Dad I’m seven now, don’t you think I’m a little old for piggybacks?”}
“No I didn’t, but you know what? If I’m having trouble choosing between a tootsie roll and a reece’s cup I’ll consult you right away.” Wade said through stifled giggles. Consult her, honestly, kids today.
“Dad!” Ellie whined. Wade glanced over at the clock on the wall. 7:30, ohhh shit, Ellie should be brushing her teeth right now.
“Young lady! Why are you not getting ready for school?” Wade bellowed.
“The naked man kind of distracted me, Dad.” Ellie replied snarkily. This is not a phrase that needs to be coming out of his child’s mouth this early in the morning, or ever.
“You’re going to be late, child! Move it!” Wade gently pushed Ellie towards her room. Mornings were always so stressful, dear god. He went over to Ellie’s school bag that for some reason Ellie thought it a good idea to put it on the coffee table.
[First of all, why?]
He rummaged through it for a lunch box when he came across a certain form Ellie had neglected to tell him about.
“Eleanor Carmelita Camacho! Lucy, you got some explaining to do!” Wade yelled while waving a piece of paper, it honestly has come to the point where if his life was TV show it’d be a godawful situational comedy from the 90’s that Wade would refuse to watch on principle.
“Good morning to you too.” The couch grumbled at Wade, it Wade a moment to process that there was a human being on that couch, specifically a shirtless Peter Parker was on his couch. If only Wade had the time to fully appreciate this gift from God.
“Morning Petey!” Wade said cheerily to him, before grabbing the lunch box and moving into the kitchen. “Eleanor!” Wade then yelled again.
“Is every morning such a thrill in this house?” Peter asked, sitting up, the blanket slipping off him revealing a very ripped Peter.
{Why I do believe I have come down with the case of the vapors}
“No, usually we get up on time in this house.” Wade replied snidely, throwing an apple and a juice box in the lunch box.
[Oh god we don’t have anything for lunch]
{Looks like she’s having Hamilton for lunch today}
Wade went to go look for his wallet, just as he found it, Ellie decided to grace him with her presence.
“Yes Daddy?” She asked battering her eyelashes. “Might I say you look wonderful today, have you been working out?”
{Oh she knows}
“You know I have actually, I’ve been working out how you managed to fail your book report when you told me you have been working on it all week. Isn’t that interesting?” Wade said casually as he added the bill into her lunch box and put it in her bag.
“Oh that? Um well funny story, turns out I read the wrong book, it was too short. So all that work I did? Didn’t count.” Ellie said, Wade knelt down to her level and looked her in the eye.
“Are you lying to me right now?”
“No, my book was a hundred and eighty pages, it was supposed to be two hundred.” Ellie said sadly.
“What was your book, baby?” Wade said going from angry to comforting in the span of five seconds.
[Now that’s what I call Parenting]
“Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.” Ellie said. “She said pick a book you’re interested in and we watched the movie together so I thought I’d read the book and I really liked it. But I didn’t see the page count requirement until I handed in my report.”
“So you failed on a technicality?” Wade asked. Ellie nodded. “Well that sucks, keep getting ready, I’ll sign the form.” Ellie ran off as Wade stood up. He walked back to the kitchen counter that he left the form on.
“This is not the home life I expected from you.” Peter said from where he was observing this mess of a morning from the couch.
“Really? Were you expecting a Precious situation?” Wade asked.
[We do wear enough leggings to be considered Mo’nique]
“No, it’s just she’s very well-adjusted for a daughter of a mercenary that’s all.” Peter shrugged.
“Thank you, I think.” Wade said as he managed to find a pen in his disaster zone of an apartment and sign the damn thing. He looked back at the clock. “Ellie! I need you to have left my house five minutes ago!”
[Breakfast]
“Shit.” Wade looked around his kitchen, oh well turns out Ellie’s eating two apples today. He grabbed yet another apple and put the form in her bag. Ellie came out of the bathroom and over to Wade to grab her bag. “Baby, come here.” Wade licked his thumb and rubbed the toothpaste off her cheek.
“Dad!” Ellie said before wiping the spit off her cheek with her sleeve. She then kissed Wade on the cheek as she took her bags. “Bye Dad, bye Spiderman. Love ya!” She then ran out the door. Wade walked over to his couch and collapsed next to Peter.
“Did your daughter just say she loved me?” Peter asked but
“Don’t get too excited, her only action figures are of Hawkeye. Your love is meaningless.” Wade said dismissively.
“Who are your action figures?” Peter asked with a smile.
{Is… is this a flirt?}
[I don’t know I don’t know]
{Evasive manoeuvres!}
“Me? I don’t have any action figures at the moment.” Wade said casually ignoring his massive Spiderman collection.
“So who’s the Spiderman toothbrush for?” Peter smirked, oh no.
“You went into my bathroom uninvited? I should kick you to the curb.” Wade said with a mock offense. “So what does Peter Parker do all day?”
“Whatever Peter Parker, CEO of Parker Industries, wants to do.” Peter said casually.
[CEO by day. Superhero by night]
“Oh my god, you’re Batman.” This explains everything.
“Who?” Peter frowned at him.
“Let me guess, you’re also a philanthropist and a mysterious playboy working to keep Goth- I mean New York’s street’s safe.” Wade grinned.
“Well yeah.” Peter looked very dazed and confused right now.
[Where’s his homoerotic sidekick that’s what I want to know]
{Oh…. That’s us}
“So wait how old are you? Because you always sounded about sixteen at most.” Wade asked. He could see Peter roll his eyes at that.
“I’m thirty six.” Peter shrugged, Wade had to stop his eyes popping out of his head.
“Jesus, that’s old.”
“Don’t tell me I’m older than you.” Peter said.
“I’m thirty eight so no you are not older than me, I win.” Wade said before sticking his tongue out at Peter.
“You are younger than you look.” Peter said frankly.
“Look I know I look like something you might find in a canopic jar but that doesn’t mean I’m as old as one.” Wade snapped back, young people today.
“So what does Wade Wilson do all day?” Peter asked.
“Wade Wilson spends the day recovering from the morning before he can do it all over again in the evening. On a good day he might even get a job.” Wade sighed wistfully.
{Ahhh to get a job}
[A delusion of grandeur if ever I saw one]
“Does Wade Wilson think about getting breakfast in all this?” Peter asked as though he wasn’t just listening to what Wade had said.
“Wade Wilson would much rather go to bed.” Wade started to say before being hit with the puppy eyes. Peter Parker was genuinely giving him puppy dog eyes, this was unbelievable. “Ugh fine I think we have pancake mix in the cupboard hold on. God you’d think a grown ass man who can save the entire goddamn city could make himself some fucking breakfast.” Wade grumbled mostly to himself as he got up.
“You are a true hero.” Peter said as he turned on the tv, it sounded genuine but Wade knew it was a lie.
[This got very domestic very quickly]
“And that’s a bad thing?” Wade said to White one he was out of Peter’s earshot.
[I’m just saying, this isn’t on the list]
“Fuck the list, I had to learn science for that fucking list.” Wade pointed out.
[What about your bet?]
“Who said the bet was over?” Wade asked with a smirk. “The bet’s only just begun.”
[Oh no]
{Ohh yess}
[Oh no]