Knight in Sour Armour
“Dad, what am I looking at?” Ellie said deeply concerned as she walked into what she thought was her living room but was now what looked like a temple to the dark lord. Wade was sitting cross legged on the floor looking very serene, honestly he felt serene he hadn’t felt this calm since his Zenpool days. Although he supposed sitting in candlelight and rose petals does that to you.
“Step 12. Somehow bribe the gods into removing all competition, leaving you as their sole choice.” Wade said calmly. He was sitting in the middle of a circle of rose petals with four candles laid out in a triangle in front of him.
“Did you mistake God for Satan again?” Ellie asked.
{Again?}
[I think she’s thinking of her last nativity play]
{In our defence how were we supposed to know to take the virgin birth at face value?}
“No, I could only find a wiccan love spell.” Wade explained. “Apparently most religions frown on this sort of thing, who knew?”
“So no blood sacrifice?” Ellie asked cautiously.
“If I had to do a blood sacrifice do you seriously think I’d do it in the living room? Come over here baby, come help Momma pray for love.” Wade patted the floor next to him. Ellie walked over and sat next to him copying his sitting position.
“So what do we do?”
“Shush, Sister Moonshine. Let the Goddess speak to you.” Wade said before placing his hands on his knees as he began to hum. Ellie gave him an odd look.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about, do you?” Ellie said sceptically.
“Baby, don’t upset the Goddess.” Wade chided. Ellie rolled her eyes before joining in Wade’s humming. Wade broke out of his humming and began to chant. If Ellie didn’t have her eyes close she would have seen Wade pull out his phone and read the chant off it. “I invoke thee, Aphrodite, goddess of love. Repeat after me, Sister Moonshine.”
“You know most people say that before the thing they want someone to repeat. Just a helpful tip.” Ellie responded dryly. The family resemblance some days was uncanny.
“Sister Moonshine!” Wade scolded. Ellie sighed.
“I invoke thee, Aphrodite, goddess of love.”
“I invoke thee, Aphrodite, goddess of love, so I can find my soulmate.” Wade continued.
“I invoke thee, Aphrodite, goddess of love, so I can find my soulmate.” Ellie said in a way that suggested she did not want to find her soulmate and would much rather find a way out of this situation. Wade ignored the attitude she was giving him.
“I invoke thee, Aphrodite, goddess of love so I can overcome my loneliness.”
“Ohh Dad, I didn’t know you felt that way you should have said something.” Ellie said with genuine care in her voice.
“Don’t sass me, child.” Wade snapped.
“I invoke thee, Aphrodite, goddess of love so I can overcome my loneliness.” Ellie sighed.
“Such is my will.” Wade finished before putting his phone in his pocket.
“Such is my will.” Ellie repeated. Wade reached beside him for the mug sitting next to him, he downed half before shoving it in Ellie’s face.
“Drink up, Sister.” Wade said before blowing the candles out, unfortunately before he finished blowing them all out Ellie spat the drunk all over them.
“What was that?” Ellie spluttered out.
“The spell called for mint tea, but we didn’t have any tea so I used coffee and tic tacs.” Wade explained.
[Gold star witch behaviour right there]
“And I’m the one upsetting the goddess?” Ellie asked as she stood up to turn the lights on.
“She’ll understand we did the best with what we had.” Wade said in his best parent-giving-a-life-lesson voice, she shook her head at him.
“So was there a reason for all that?” Ellie asked. “I’d like to know if there was a reason why I just angered the gods.”
“I think I found someone to win the bet with.” Wade announced. Ellie’s eyes widened.
“Who?! Who is it?” Ellie bounced back over to Wade and sat back down.
“My new friend, Peter Parker, a.k.a. our old friendly neighbourhood Spiderman.” Wade grinned, Ellie went from hundred back down to zero as she groaned and fell on her back.
“Ugh, that’ll never happen Dad, I knew you weren’t going to take this seriously. You are deliberately trying to sabotage me.” Ellie whined.
[Why did we waste money on that paternity test when we could have just waited a few years for her mouth to start running?]
“Thanks for that vote of confidence, Baby, real comforting.” Wade rolled his eyes at her.
“But Dad! You were supposed to pick the woman downstairs, or that Dad that keeps eyeballing you at the kiss ‘n’ drop, or even the landlord. Literally anyone more achievable than Spiderman.” Ellie said while using a lot of hand gestures to truly make her point.
“Oh, I see how it is. You wanted me to pick the easy option so your punishment would be over quicker, huh?” Wade laid down on his stomach next to Ellie. “Well tough shit, little lady. I’m going to seduce Spiderman and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Wade rolled his mask up specifically to stick his tongue out at her.
“Oh hell no, we’re going to brainstorm ideas, Dad. This is my bet and you are not messing it up for me.” Ellie said determined, she stood up and grabbed a pen and paper out of her school bag. “Call in pizza, Dad. It’s going to be a long night.”
“First of all, I already bought stuff for dinner, nice try. Secondly, you are going to bed at a reasonable hour, I do not want to deal with a grumpier version of you tomorrow.” Wade said sitting up.
[Gotta stay one step ahead]
{One step ahead of the bread line, one swing ahead of the sword}
[It’s one jump idiot, you call yourself a Disney fan]
{No I call myself a parent who sat through too many Disney films}
“Fine. We’re still doing this though, you’re not making me look like a fool out there.” Ellie said waving her pen at him. Wade put his hands up to surrender.
“Wouldn’t dream of it, Baby.”
Despite how poorly her first try at this seduction thing went, Ellie was surprisingly good at this seduction thing. Wade didn’t particularly like this, his over protective dad mode was kicking in. However, he was glad she inherited her mother’s smooth moves and not his, she might have a shot in this world now.
It wasn’t until the night after Wade had a chance to test out idea one, conceal your gender and kick some serious ass right in front of him. And at just the right moment, when he hands out for a manly handshake and ask for your name, comply and reveal your face. Works all the time, no exceptions. Wade had serious doubts about this one, like real serious. Ellie suggested instead of dressing as a girl, he wear a lot of black cloth, it was gender-concealing, vaguely feminine, and stylish too! Ellie spent most of the afternoon figuring out how to dress Wade in a way that a) would disguise him and b) not come off in the middle of battle. Wade, meanwhile, stood in his living room watching Frasier reruns while Ellie worked her magic, Wade was just amazed that they had all that cloth lying around.
So Wade, dressed in his surprisingly comfortable disguise, spent most of the night casually stalking Spiderman. Spidey’s patrol patterns were thankfully very predictable after all these years, right, left, stay on 23rd for far longer than necessary, turn right on Fifth, end up back where we started, turn left, you get the idea. It was two in the morning before any noteworthy villains popped up, a shabby looking gang, like real shabby no matching bandanas or anything, followed this girl down a dark alley. Wade could see Spiderman watching from the roof across from him, he looked like a cat about to pounce on a mouse, he had the weird butt wiggle and everything. So, the girl started screaming and before Spiderman jumped, Wade was there. He jumped from the roof on top of one of the gang members head.
{Whoops, he’s dead}
He stepped off the hopefully just unconscious man, before signalling to the girl to get out of here and going in for generic gang member two. A few swift punches to the face and chest before a final kick in the nuts brought him pummelling down on the ground. Gang member number three thought of trying something and jumped onto Wade’s back and started to strangle him, oh hell no. Wade threw him off, wrestler body slam style, onto the cold hard concrete, knocked him out like a light. The fourth and final gang member decided he was going to get smart and started to shoot Wade.
[He better not stain this cloth]
{Ellie will be pissed when we get home}
Wade sighed before walking straight through the bullets and twisting the gun out of the guy’s hand and giving him a strong ooh that’s gotta hurt uppercut. The four guys were on the ground either unconscious or writhing in pain. Wade looked proudly at his efforts before turning around to see Spiderman staring at him in awe, well hopefully it was awe.
“That was awesome.” Spiderman admired before tying the bad guys up. Wade made an aww shucks gesture with his hand. “No seriously, top work. Probably couldn’t have done better myself.” Wade had never been genuinely complimented by Spiderman before, he didn’t know how to react. He just nodded. “I’m your friendly neighbourhood Spiderman.” Spiderman held out his hand. This boy was the sweetest honestly. Wade took his hood down before taking the offered hand.
“I’m your annoying neighbourhood Deadpool.” Wade grinned. Spiderman dropped his hand and groaned.
“Wade? What the hell? Why are you dressed like that?” Spiderman yelled, very confused.
{Oh shit we didn’t think this through}
[Do we ever?]
“… I was cold.” Wade finally admitted. “Not a lot of heat in spandex.”
“But why the vigilante act?” Spiderman had a really shit impression of Wade apparently.
“The vigilante act?” Wade asked innocently.
{He’s onto us}
“You kill people for money, Wade, excuse me for thinking you have no moral centre.” Spiderman responded, mistaking Wade for being offended.
“I kill bad people for money, for the most part, like seven in ten.” Wade rambled off.
[What was our point again?]
“Right, with that track record it’s a wonder why you’re not up there in the public’s heart with Captain America and Iron Man, huh?” Spiderman said dryly.
“So, you think I’m awesome, huh?” Wade said cockily after a pause.
[We’re getting full of ourselves]
{Look we don’t get complimented often, we’ve earned it}
Spidey didn’t seem to agree with the boxes as he sighed, probably rolled his eyes too, Wade couldn’t see.
“Were you really cold? Or were you just looking for compliments?” Spiderman asked.
{He knows us so well}
“Actually I was hoping to come across Papa Wolve, I wanted to impress him with my kickass skills and maybe just maybe he’ll realise I’m the one for him.” Wade lied through his teeth.
[He’s not going to buy that]
“How are you a functioning human being?” Spiderman asked. Wade could only shrug, at least he bought it. “Well, I’ve got to get back at it. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m impressed Wade, you did well.” Spiderman then patted Wade on the back before leaving an awestruck Wade. It was like he was blessed by the Pope himself, but like a Pope that Wade wanted to bone.
Wade walked home with a bounce in his step, which was fine until he bounced through the door waking Ellie up. However, his good mood made him blind to the hairbrush narrowly missing his head as he floated into bed. This might actually work.