April 9th, 2017
I have never let anything have this much control over me
Cause I worked too hard to call my life my own
Yes I made myself a world and it worked so perfectly
But it's your world now, I can't refuse
I never had so much to lose
I'm shameless...shameless
April 9th, 2017
Darcy is in her bed at the palace. She has the curtains pulled tight, and had requested dinner in her rooms. She sore from taking a fall from one of the six-legged horses, and no one questions her. She’s also a little sore emotionally.
Fandral had almost laughed himself off his own horse when she fell, the ass. Darcy had attempted to dust herself and regain a little dignity for Earth!, and then had quietly told him he’d just dealt the death blow to any chance he’d ever had with her, mostly teasing. Fandral had boomed out a laugh, tossing a friendly arm around her shoulders, and told her that Thor had already spread the good tidings that her heart belonged to another.
It had been kind of a punch in the gut. A lovely reminder that her messy relationship drama is playing out in front of all her friends and they all seem to know. Jane must have given Thor one hell of a look, because the smile had dropped right off his face.
Darcy had moved on. They’d been on an official tour, and a guy who’s name was really, really hard to pronounce (seriously, she’s spent several nights practicing) is waiting to show her the oldest tree in Asgard.
Now that she’s back inside the palace walls, she just wants to curl up have some down time. Her schedule has been jam packed with political events that have run the gamut from a royal ball and feast to some kind of hunt at dawn, from paying her respects to that awesome gnarled tree to touring just about every building she can see from the top floor of the palace. And then there’s the science. A night hardly passes that Jane doesn’t show up and drag her off to some library or observatory, and it’s all too good to pass up.
But Heimdall had been hailed by Steve, and Thor had gone to fight alongside the Avengers leaving Darcy and Jane in Asgard. Now she’s got the tablet Thor had brought back from Earth.
The tablet has a full charge and shows she has fifty-three messages. She presses play on the first one, from the day after she left Earth.
Hey doll. So you’re up there, which is kinda strange to think about. But amazing. Steve gave me the shirt you got me, as you can see.” Bucky leans back and motions to his t-shirt. Anyway, wanted you to know I was thinking of you back home. Bye, babe.
Darcy scrolls down and sees that she has at least one message for everyday. Most are just really quick, saying he’s thinking about her. There’s a few pictures. One of Natasha and Steve standing in the ocean, Natasha’s arms around Steve’s neck. There’s another of Steve, Sam, and Bucky standing on a pier.
One of Clint hanging from a rope by the ankle, looking not amused.
And the last is of the pigeon that visits Bucky’s patio most days, eating a peanut.
Bucky’s birthday message is different. Most likely because he’s drunk.
Hey. He’s in bed, head on his pillow, in very dim lighting. His voice is a little gravelly, like maybe he’s already been asleep. So it’s my birthday. Natasha and Steve had Grigorio’s catered in, and Sam and Pietro brought back this Muria drink from New Zealand. It’s not fuckin around.
Darcy can’t help but smile at him.
I missed you tonight, Darce. Miss you all the time, but especially tonight. I hate not bein’ able to talk to you, hear your voice. I reach for my phone twenty times a day to text you something, send you a picture of something I see. He shifts, turning on his side. Part of his face is hidden by his pillow until he punches it down. An’ I was thinkin’, an’ I realized this is my first birthday since I came back that you haven’t been there. An’ how much that meant to me, an’ how you said it was so hard to see me after we broke up. I think that’s why I was drawn to you, you know? You’re so strong. It’s a shit world sometimes, but you’re still you. You still hugged Clint when he was being a moody asshole, you put up with Pietro’s shit, you make Thor smile, and how could I not want some of that?
Darcy bites her lip.
First time I kissed you, I half expected you to push me away. First time I took off my shirt, I expected you to be disgusted by my arm. An’ when you told me you had feelings for me? It literally did not compute. Bucky’s eyes glint in the darkness, and she can see he’s got stubble on his chin. She loves it when he has stubble. It took weeks for me to process that, understand it. It wasn’t something I thought was in the cards for me anymore. Then I wanted it. I wanted smiles and kisses and holdin’ a dame's hand again and makin’ her laugh, makin’ her sigh. It was a part of me comin’ back.
I dream about the sound you make when I slide into you. Or the little gasp when I drag my teeth over your ear. But you know what else I dream about? Watchin’ Dr. Who with you, when you’d put your feet in my lap. That day we walked in the park, after picking up the vodka for Nat, and you made me catch you when you jumped out of that tree. Fuck, I love that woman for what she did for me back then. I dream about the way you used to smile up at me. He sighs and rubs his hands over his face. I miss the fuck out of that.
“Darcy?” Jane calls, and the bed curtain is pulled back. “I thought you might want to have dinner just the two...”
Anyway, I should go. Shouldna said any of this. Miss you, babe.
“Darcy?” Jane whispers, but Darcy can’t say anything and she can’t stop the tears that are rolling down her face. “Oh, Darce.”
“Janey.” Darcy lets the tablet fall into her lap. The next video starts to play.
Hey, Darce. I see I sent you a message last night. I hope I wasn’t too much of a meatball. If I was, maybe you can forgive me since it was my birthday? Sam and Piet brought this crazy drink, and apparently it doesn’t give a shit about super soldier metabolisms. Anyway, thinking of you back here on Earth. Everybody misses you. I’ve been conducting a study, maybe not up to yours and Jane’s standards, but I’m pretty sure the stars aren’t as bright while you’re gone. It’d make sense, with their two biggest fans gone. Anyway, not that I’m counting, but forty-seven days ‘till you’re back. See-ya sweetheart.
“That was cheesy.” Jane says, but reaches out and grabs Darcy’s arm. “Darcy, are you okay?”
Hey doll. Just a quick one, we’re headed out to the summit in DC today. Supposed to be procedural bullshit. Think I’m gonna have to break down and join Tony’s group chat since you’re not around to keep me entertained while the asshats drone on. Thinking of you.
Hi, Darce. Still in DC, I found this jasmine garden that you’d love. I’ll send you-
Jane presses the pause button and takes the tablet away. “Darcy, what’s going on? Do you just miss him? Are you homesick?”
“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, Jane.” Darcy says, taking deep breaths and trying to calm down. Bucky’s frozen on the screen, mid-sentence. His hair is flopped down into his face.
“What you’re doing? Here in Asgard or with Bucky?”
“With Bucky.” Darcy lets out a last shakey breath, then wipes under her eyes. Her fingers come away blackened from her mascara. “I love him. I love him so much, but it’s the exact same as before.”
“What do you mean?” Jane motions to the tablet. “Were we just watching the same Bucky? He’s nothing like-“
“He’s not. I am, though. You were there Jane. I can’t go through that again, and I can feel myself right on the edge. Something about him makes me into a different person. And it’s not a person I like.”
Jane’s brows knit together. “I didn’t know you felt like that.”
“I was hoping it would go away.” Darcy confesses. “He wanted the chance to prove to me that it would be different, and I wanted him to do it. But instead of getting better, the feeling just keeps getting worse. I feel like I’m on a cliff, and it just keeps getting higher and higher.”
Jane takes Darcy’s hands in hers. “Let’s talk this out, okay? It’s fine. No matter what happens, it’s you and me, right?”
Darcy nods, because she’d said something similar years ago, when Thor left for Asgard again. Promising to be back. Again.
“Tell me about this person you don’t like. Because, Darce? I’ve always liked you. Always. Even when I was dragging your smelly self out of bed and into the shower. Even when you went through that stage where we had to go out every Saturday night.” Jane squeezes Darcy’s fingers.
“It’s just that I always know what I’m doing. I roll with the punches. But back when I was dating him, I did things that I never thought I would do. I put up with shit that looking back makes me want to kick myself. I was pathetic.” Darcy shakes her head when Jane opens her mouth. She needs to get this out. It’s been clawing up inside of her for weeks. Months. “And every time I’m on the phone with him? Every time I talk to him? I feel like a coward, I feel weak, I feel like an idiot.”
“But it’s nothing he’s saying making you feel that way, right?”
“No.” Darcy moans. “He’s practically perfect. He’s been amazing. It’s me. It’s all me.”
“Darcy.” Jane says softly. “Darcy, look at me.”
“What?”
“You weren’t pathetic.” Jane says. “Not at all. You were you, that whole time. You loved him with your whole heart, the same as you do with everything else. You gave him your all. And that’s what makes you the person we all know and love.”
Darcy bites her lips hard trying not to start crying again.
“I wish you would have told me you felt like that. You were strong. You were so strong, being there for him. And you were strong putting yourself back together afterwards.” Jane brings her hands up to hold Darcy’s face in her hands. “And now? Of course you’re scared you’re going to get hurt again. And if you don’t feel like yourself? I would guess it’s because you’re going against your heart. And that’s not something you do.”
“So you think I should be with him again.”
“That’s not up to me. I love you if you’re with him, I love you if you’re with the man that wore the frozen banana costume on the beach in Baja. I just want you to be happy.”
“I think that was a lady.”
“Fine, I love you if you’re with the lady that wore the frozen banana costume on the beach.”
Jane pulls in the tray of food she brought, then props up the tablet and presses play again.
-a map, maybe next time you and Jane are through you can see it. They had like fifteen varieties, and it smelled like you. Steve’s here, we’re goin’ to some place Clint found, so hopefully the serum holds up. ‘Til tomorrow, doll.
They get updates through the week in DC, through a small skirmish that leaves Bucky with a stitched up cut next to his eye, and a crooked nose. Both clear up within a few days. They see his tension rise, and then he tells her that they’re thinking about calling Thor, and if they do he’ll send up the saved messages.
The last message he looks so tense that Darcy has to reassure herself that Thor had told them that entire team was fine, with no severe injuries.
“Well, Darce? What do you think?” Jane asks, leaning back next to Dracy, propped up on the pillows.
“Uh, you expect me to make a decision now? On something that’s been brain tripping me for three and a half years now?”
“No, I expect you to tell me if you think there’s a possibility that I’m right. Because if not, I’m gonna have to be there for you in whole different kind of way.”
Darcy squints her eyes closed, so hard that eventually spots dance. “You know, I think I really kind of was counting on the distance to help me out with this. That I’d get up here and get a break from it, and I did kind of.”
“Can’t get much farther away from someone.”
“Yeah, well the pressure kind of eased up. I had twelve weeks where I wouldn’t have to say anything to him, wouldn’t have to think and agonize over the right words. But it’s really just brought home how much I’ve already let him back in.” Darcy groans and sinks down into the covers. “I really, really miss him Jane. I was so focused on how shitty I felt about leading him on and making a decision that I didn’t realize how good talking to him makes me feel.”
Jane's smile is soft and understanding.
“And it’s not just that he’s always telling me how beautiful and amazing he thinks I am, which he does all the time. I mean, what? Is he even real? He’s a really good listener. And he totally thinks I can do anything.” Darcy smiles. “And he’s hilarious. A total goofball. Did I show you the video he sent me of him spinning Steve’s shield on one finger? Or the one where he was singing ‘So Fresh and So Clean’ while Sam and Steve were shaving in the locker room behind him? Oh, or the time he made the cat shaped pancakes with the whipped cream bow ties?”
“Yes, Darcy. You show me everything he sends you that makes you laugh.”
“Ha, not everything.” There might have been some funny but also sexy dance moves Darcy had kept to herself.
Jane raises a brow, but says nothing. She points to a folder at the bottom of the list of messages. “What’s this?”
“I don’t know. I figured it would be fun, so I saved it for last.” Darcy tells her, jabbing a finger at the folder labeled “Boss Ass Bitch”.
“Oh my god. Darcy, it’s a scrap book of the articles you’ve been in. I mean, it’s on the tablet, but still, he saved them all for you. That is the most adorable thing ever. I’m never going to be able to look at the Winter Soldier the same again.”
The first few articles are more of the same. Covering all of the political heads around the world huffing and puffing about an under-qualified American woman being the ambassador. They’re already more tame than they had been, given Thor’s no nonsense, hammer clutching explanation of his choice.
But then there’s an article in Marie Claire “about the woman behind the taser”.
The picture she’d had taken at the Kennedy Space Station, another one of those government requirements for leaving the atmostphere, in a stupid flight suit she’d never wear again, is on the cover of the motherfucking New York Times with the headline “Lightning Sister, Star Searcher – Dr. Darcy Lewis, Ambassador of Earth.”
“Oh my god.” Jane breathes.
Science Weekly has a picture of Darcy and Jane during a tour they’d given of their mobile lab a few years ago in Nevada, standing in front of their modded telescope. Dr. Foster and Dr. Lewis – The Two Luminaries who Revolutionized the Study of Space Travel to Other Realms.
There are screen shots of Tumblr post dedicated to Darcy. There are rockin’ clapbacks – oh, I don’t know, she has a bachelors in POLITICAL SCIENCE, started out as an intern and ended up space-adopted by the God of Thunder, Prince Thor, after she TASED him. She lived through two alien invasions, and helped end the second one, saving countless lives. And WHILE she did that, she got her MASTERS and then her DOCTORATE in astrophysics. But yeah dude. She’s just some girl who isn’t qualified.
Apparently she really, really should have locked down her social media before leaving. Some of those pictures really don’t need to be circulated en masse.
Darcy Lewis: from Political Science Intern to Ambassador of Earth.
It goes on and on. And Jane is just beaming at the screen. Darcy sees people defending against stupid attacks about her fashion choices – apparently too casual and too young – to her choice to wear bright lipsticks – not classy or mature – from her degrees – coasted through on favoritism, obviously – to her romantic history in college – slut, promiscuous, is this who we want representing our world?
But she’d never cared what the blowhards said, and the people who are defending her? Damned if they aren’t using all of her favorite political science buzzwords.
If she’d been reading these things about anyone else she would have fist pumped and squealed and probably would have had a new idol. But they’re writing about her, and it’s a little bizarre. A lot bizarre.
And Bucky had collected them for her. And put the in a folder he named ‘Boss Ass Bitch’. Be still her heart. Which ha. Her heart had long since stopped listening to her, and when it came to Bucky it was pretty fond of fawning and swooning like an extra in Gone With the Wind.
Jane doesn’t look up from reading the article in the New Yorker, Struck by Lightning! Why we think Darcy Lewis is the best thing to happen to US politics since that little revolt in Boston Harbor, at the light knock on the door.
Darcy hears the door open and close, and knows by the lack of greeting who it is. There’s a guard outside her door at all times, some kind of gesture tied up in her status as an honored guest, and as Thor’s lightning sister which apparently is a Thing, meant she got a guard. It’s not so much a personal security thing, it’s a recognition of her standing. Jane has one too.
No one comes into her rooms, or even touches her door other than the guards. If someone wants to talk to Darcy, the guard knocks, comes into the foyer, which is short and opulent and positioned so that he or she can’t see into Darcy’s rooms, and asks if she would like to see whoever it was.
The only people who are allowed in without that whole routine are the two people she’d told the guard to allow access whenever. Even the king had to wait the one time he’d talked to Darcy outside of the throne room. Jane and Thor though, they have an all-access pass, just like on Earth.
“Lady Darcy.” Thor smiles when he sees her peeking out of her bed curtains. “I had hoped you ladies would allow me to join you.”
There is something lonely and tired about his expression. Darcy holds the curtain open. And it feels good, it being just the three of them again. She thinks Thor agrees, and maybe that’s why he’s seemed sad sometimes on this trip.
Home doesn’t feel like home so much for him right now.