Six months. That’s how long Daisy had been away from SHIELD and the team. And it had only taken Coulson one of those six to get on her trail. It hadn’t surprised her though. After everything, he had probably made her into a top priority - a threat to the public being rogue. Even with those close calls, she still hadn’t stopped. Didn’t they get it? Didn’t they realize she didn’t want to be caught?
So many things had gone wrong since she’d been brought into SHIELD; Ward, her father, her mother, Lincoln… So many times she had thought that joining SHIELD could fix her, protect her. And yet, it had only done the opposite - creating more damage in her wake, more loss than gain. And all of that left her more broken than she had ever been.
Sitting on the rather uncomfortable wooden stool at the hotel bar where she was currently staying, Daisy brought her drink to her lips and finished it. The burning sensation of Scotch was one that she wholeheartedly welcomed with open arms.
Feeling the slight beginnings of exhaustion hitting her, the brunette dropped a couple of paper bills on the counter and stood, giving the bartender a nod and beginning the short trek to her room.
It hadn’t been hard for Daisy to get money. Despite everything, she still had her insane nac for computers and hacking, which gave her more than enough opportunities to gain money doing side jobs here and there. Her background and connections with the Rising Tide had certainly helped when things got tight. So far, she had been doing well for herself with a wad of cash in her pocket.
Once in her room, Daisy flipped the light-switch on, her eyes catching the form of a familiar figure sitting in the chair in the corner of the room. Lincoln. It shouldn’t have surprised her, really. She had seen him in the months prior to his death. But it had only been for seconds at most, just glimpses and flashes. She had known that it had been her mind playing tricks on her. Lincoln was gone. She had watched as the dot on the radar had disappeared and the com connection being severed by space.
Tears beginning to form in her eyes as she watched him, a look of sadness and was it disappointment on his face? She couldn’t tell.
“Lincoln? But you’re not real. You’re dead..” She whispered.
“No, you’re right. I’m not.” Lincoln’s words were soft. “I’m just part of your subconscious.”
Daisy had no idea what to make of this. Was she more drunk than she had originally realized? Or was some sort of phenomenon happening? Considering the world she lived in, and what she was, she couldn’t exactly cross it off the list.
“What are you doing, Daisy?” He pushed himself up and out of the chair and took a few steps closer to her, hands hanging at his sides. “Why are you running?”
A tear slipped down her cheek, her voice cracking. “You know why. Everyone I care about dies, Lincoln. My parents, Ward, you.. Who’s next? Coulson? Jemma? Fitz? May? I already almost killed Fitz and Mack. And then you..”
“And then I sacrificed myself for the girl I love and the world.” He finished. “I didn’t do that for you to abandon everyone and go off the rails. I did it so you could live.”
“I’m not off the rails.” Daisy’s eyebrows furrowed as she spoke almost defensively.
Moving through the hotel room and to the complimentary mini bar, the brunette pulled out two small nips of Vodka and poured them into a plastic cup with ice. Going off the rails was a bit steep. She wasn’t going on murdering sprees, or torturing the city. That was good progress in her book.
“You’re drinking almost every night. How is that not going off the rails?”
With a shrug of her shoulders, she moved to sit down on the edge of the bed, sipping her drink, the buzz of the alcohol already taking effect. She knew with one more drink that she’d begin to feel numb - which was exactly what she wanted. “Keeps the nightmares away.”
“Or maybe you just don’t want to feel it at all.”
It was Lincoln’s words that caught her off guard. The familiar ping of pain hit her heart and she had to stop herself from doubling over. It wasn’t just any kind of pain. No, it was the pain of utter loss, heartbreak, guilt, and disgust at herself for the things that she had done while under Hive’s control.
“So what if I don’t?” She questioned. “There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not like I’m hurting anyone.”
A loud audible sigh left Lincoln’s lips as he moved to sit beside her. Though of course, because of the fact he was just inside of her head, she didn’t feel the bed dip, nor could she feel the heat radiating off of his body. He was just her subconscious.
“Daisy, I know you’re hurting. And if I could do anything to take it away, I would in a heartbeat. But I’m gone. And it’s something that isn’t going to change. You have to accept that. You can’t just keep drinking to numb the pain. To move on, you need to let yourself feel.” He spoke gently, words as soft as if he were speaking to a small scared child.
“You don’t get it. You were the one thing, the one person I could truly count on to have my back through all of this. You were the person I needed to have my back after Hive. Yeah, I had the team. But you were it for me. You were the one worth fighting for. And because I let myself love you, because I let myself let my walls down - you suffered the consequences. You died for me.” Tears were slipping down Daisy’s cheeks at a constant pace now.
Everything she spoke was true. After she had been saved from Hive’s control, the guilt of the things she had done had been overwhelming, crippling. And she had only been able to watch helplessly from the sidelines, trying to fight her way through, only to be unsuccessful. It was knowing that she had Lincoln - that he still loved her despite the things she had done, that gave her hope. And then he had gone and sacrificed himself for her, for the team, the world. And the one person who helped her gain control, the one person who gave her hope that she could make it through it all - was GONE. It was that reason that had led her to up and leave SHIELD. Yes, they would’ve been there for her, to help her through the loss. But they couldn’t. No one could. Because that girl, that Daisy Johnson, was gone too.
“And I’d die for you all over again.” Lincoln whispered. “But drinking yourself to death wasn’t what I wanted for you. You know, you’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met? I knew it the second I met you - sass an all. I knew right then that you had a greater purpose. And that purpose is doing good, protecting and fighting for the Inhumans that can’t for themselves. They need you, Daisy.” Reaching his hand up, he bit his lip and sighed, bringing it back down to rest on the space between them. “I knew you were strong enough to live a life without me. But I wasn’t strong enough to live a life without you.”
“I don’t want to live a life without you..”
“But you can, and you will.”
Feeling a darkness settle in the room, Daisy knew it was time for him to go. It was the same feeling she had felt those times she had seen him in the middle of a large crowd.
A soft sob leaving her lips, she shook her head, “I love you. I’ll always love you.”
“And I love you. Take care of yourself, okay? Go back home. They need you and you need them. It’ll all be okay. That I promise you.”
And within seconds, Daisy was left in her hotel room alone with a stomach full of gravel and uneasiness. Ditching the rest of her drink, she found herself curling up in the large bed, burrowing herself underneath the covers, and crying herself to sleep.