the plan actually gets planned
"Clint, do you remember my genius plan?" Natasha asks her friend, who is sitting across from her ask they eat lunch at Asgards.
"What, the so-called plan where you literally tie Bucky and Steve together on a chair and refuse to let them go until they fall in love?" Clint answers sarcastically. "Why yes, Natasha, I remember it."
"Asshole," she mutters with a scowl. "You exaggerated it a little bit, Barton, but yes, that's the one I am talking about."
"What about it?" he asks, taking a bite of his deli sandwich.
"Well, I think we should actually go on with it," she explains, and takes a sip of her coffee (black with a spoonful of sugar, because "milk is for wimps, Barton, get over it.")
"Nat, we can't just push them together and just-"
"Come on, it's not that hard- we just tell Sam to meet up with us and Steve, and tell him to bring Bucky," she insists.
Clint pauses to think. "I assume you'll be the one who'll get Cap out of the damn apartment. He's been moping around ever since he came home a few nights ago, I have no idea why."
"Because he's Steve, that's why, dumbass," Nat retorts, and Clint kicks her under the table. "But sure, he won't say no to me this time, he's too scared."
Clint snorts, "You ever think of being nice to someone and not scaring the living shit out of them, instead?"
"Nah," Nat smirks. "It turns me on," she purrs and winks, and Clint turns red. He swallows his food and takes a sip of his Diet Coke ("Barton, it doesn't make a difference whether it's diet or not, you're still a fatass," Nat had said, and Clint gave her the middle finger.)
"Anyways, why are you so obsessed with getting them two together?"
"Well," she starts, "for one thing, Steve hasn't been in a proper relationship since Peggy, and we all know how that worked out." Clint rolls his eyes, thinking back to the nights where Steve had sat alone in his bed and cried and ate cookie dough ice cream like a teenage girl after her first break up.
"I think Bucky would be a good thing for Steve, especially getting back in the dating game and all," she continues. "Second of all, they would literally make the hottest couple ever, like seriously."
Clint doesn't finish chewing before he speaks. "Hey, what about us?"
"Ugh gross, Barton," she shoves his shoulder in disgust at his talking with his mouth full. "You'll never actually have a chance with me if you keep that up."
"So you're saying I have a chance with you?" Clint asks with a sly smirk.
"Fuck off."
***
Clint, Nat and Steve sat at Nat's table in her apartment, downing the Chinese takeout they had ordered just thirty minutes before.
"Your guys' friendship is unhealthy," a voice quips from the side of the room. Pepper Potts marches over to the table, where Steve and Clint were flinging noodles at each other and Nat was watching, pretending to completely unamused but secretly smiling.
Clint looks up at Pepper, "In what way? The way we're together at every waking moment or the way we eat takeout for every given meal possible?"
"Yes," Pepper answers, and Steve and Nat chuckle.
"Well, babe, the first step to recovery is acknowledging that you have a problem," Clint says with a wink, and Pepper scoffs.
"Whatever," she says, and crosses her arms.
"Speaking of greasy takeout, how is that lovely boyfriend of yours? Tony treating you well?" Clint asks with a fake smile.
"Cut it out, Barton," Nat cuts in, but Pepper ignored her comment.
"For your information, Tony and I are great, Clint. We truly have a wonderful relationship," she says. "It's a shame you'll never be able to experience one yourself."
And with that, Pepper smiles sweetly and waltzes out the door, closing it lightly behind her.
"What the fuck?" Clint says, incredulous, and Nat and Steve snigger.
"Dude, she fucking killed you," Steve laughs, and Clint gives him the middle finger. Steve throws a noodle at Clint's face. "Hey! Watch the hearing aid, dumbass," Clint exclaims, wiping his face and throwing Steve a dirty look. "What the fuck can a noodle do to a hearing aid?" "Hey, I'm the deaf one, you don't get to say what the noodle does and doesn't do," Clint insists. "You're not deaf, you're hard of hearing, Barton," Nat says dryly, and Steve laughs.
"Whatever man, relationships are overrated," Clint retorts, switching back to the original topic, and takes a bite of noodles.
"Speaking of, we have plans tomorrow night," Nat chimes in. "Us three and Sam and Bucky at this bar out of town that Sam has been raving about."
Steve rolls his eyes, "When are you gonna give up on that?"
"On what?" Nat asks.
"Trying to set me and this Bucky kid up, it's not worth it, I'm too busy," Steve insists. Clint and Nat look at each, and snigger.
"Bitch, you have been sitting around the apartment doing absolutely nothing," Clint says in between laughs. "'Busy' my fat ass."
"Besides," Nat adds. "It won't be anything fancy, just the few of us getting drinks."
Steve groans. "I would rather make out with Pepper than go out with you morons tomorrow night."
Clint makes a face of disgust, and Nat says, "You know, I can arrange that. All I gotta do is make that girl some martinis and she's down for anything, the damn lightweight."
Steve flings a noodle at Nat, and then sighs dramatically. "Fine, I guess I'll cancel my plans with my bed tomorrow night. Whatever." He gets up and starts talking to the kitchen to get more water, and Nat turns to Clint and gives him a devilish smile, which Clint returns with an eye roll.
The plan was beginning to work its magic.
***
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Pleaaaaaase?"
"No!"
"I'm gonna call Winnie up and tell her the shit you've been trying to pull on me with this," Sam threatens, as he starts dialing what Bucky realizes is his mom's phone number.
"Number one, why the fuck do you have my mom's number memorized, you weirdo?" Bucky asks.
"We exchange recipes," Sam shrugs.
"You don't cook, dumbass."
"Okay, so we talk sometimes," Sam shrugs again.
"About what?!" Bucky asks with a look of confusion on his face.
"Mostly about your dumb ass, but we both watch the Bachelor, and we have our weekly catch-up sesh," he says, as if it's obvious.
"Okay, and I'm the gay one," Bucky retorts, and Sam flicks his forehead. "Don't call my mother, weirdo, I'll come with you."
"Okay, good, dumbass," Sam smiles, and texts Natasha that he and Bucky are in for the next night's plans.
"Are you gonna tell me what Clint's so-called roommate's name is?" Bucky asks out of curiosity.
"No."
"Why nottttt?" Bucky nags.
"Because then you'll go on a stalking spree on Instagram and Twitter and then freak him out by asking about some trip he took five years ago, weirdo," Sam complains.
"It was one time!"
"Weirdo."
***