Empty
I was listening to this song while I wrote this chapter.
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When the nurse came to take you to surgery, you got changed into a hospital gown with the nurse's help. Sebastian then went with you when the nurse wheeled you to the operating room.
You met the surgeon outside the operating room and he explained to you what would happen during the surgery, Sebastian listening.
Sebastian then said goodbye to you, kissing you several times. He still had tears in his eyes, holding your hand in his against his chest, his head resting against yours as your other hand gripped his bicep. He spoke softly, "I'm so sorry, baby. I love you."
"I love you too.", you sniffed.
He put a hand to the back of your head and kissed your forehead as you closed your eyes.
"I'll see you soon.", he said.
You nodded.
He stepped back and both your eyes didn't leave each others until he was out of your sight and you were in the room.
The medical staff prepared everything and two nurses helped you scoot from the bed to the operating table. The anesthesiologist then talked to you and, with a syringe, added the drug to your IV line that would put you to sleep. You're heart was racing. He spoke low, "Okay, just relax. You'll be alseep soon."
"Okay.", you replied quietly, with tears filling your eyes again.
"You okay, hon?", the anesthesiologist asked you.
"Just emotional about the pregnancy."
He rubbed your arm lightly, "I know it's hard. I'm sorry."
You squeezed your eyes shut and the tears rolled down your temples towards your hair as the words floated through your mind, 'I'm so sorry, little baby.'
And then everything stopped exsisting as unconciuosness took you.
Another nurse led Sebstian to the O.R. waiting room. They came to the end of the hall and she pointed him to the left, to an alcove room off the hall he would go down.
He nodded solemnly and his voice was barely audible, "Thank you." He sauntered down the hall toward the waiting room. It seemed to take forever. He felt empty with no sense of time. As he approached the waiting room, everyone came into sight, waiting anxiously in chairs and standing around; some supporting each other by holding hands, arms around shoulders...
As they saw him, his eyes were puffy, red and still had the slight glisten of tears, but his face showed nothing. He stopped short of actually stepping into the area. A few took steps towards him, but only Chris approached him. He put his hands on Sebastian's arms and just looked at him with concern; he had no idea what to say. The others only stepped close enough to hear anything that might be said.
Sebastian made eye contact with Chris and swallowed hard, his voice coming out a quiet, deadpan croak, "Ectopic pregnancy, in the fallopian tube, it burst. She's having emergency surgery. They can't save the baby." The tears started filling his eyes again.
Everyone's face fell, a few starting tearing up. Others covered their mouths or hung their heads.
Chris's face twisted in anguish, the tears came quick for him and fell fast. He took Sebastian firmly in his arms, hugging him tight, and fighting back his own sobs as he whispered, "I'm so sorry, Seb."
Sebastian only squeezed back in response, his breath ragged, his eyes shut tight.
After a long moment, Chris released him and shoved his hands in his pants pockets as Sharon put one hand on Chris's arm, the other hand over his opposite shoulder. Chris sniffed, "Do you know when she'll be done?"
Sebastian stared at the floor, "About an hour."
"Can I get you anything?"
"No."
Pepper approached Sebastian with a plastic grocery bag. She spoke softly as she held it up slightly, "I brought a change of clothes for you and for (Y/N)."
Sebastian looked at her at the sound of her voice and then blankly looked down at his own clothes, spotted with your blood on his stomach, crotch and thighs. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, fighting another wave of emotion. He then opened his eyes and took the bag gently, "Thank you."
Pepper told him where the bathroom was. Sebastian nodded and headed there to change.
He stepped into the single person bathroom, locked the door and washed his hands. He opened the bag to look inside it. Your shirt was on the top, neatly folded. He stared at it for a beat and then pulled it out and held it to his face, buried his nose in it and closed his eyes, breathing deeply. Being away from you, with what had happened, what was going on now and the loss that he was feeling... it was killing him; he needed something to feel close to you. He felt himself losing it again and put his hands down on the corners of the sink, the bag still in one hand and gripping your shirt in the other, his head hanging down. He sobbed quietly to himself for a good minute.
He stood straight, sniffed, wiped his eyes with his wrist. He put your shirt in the bag and got his own clothes out, washed up and changed. He just threw his bloody clothes in the tall trash can; he didn't think he would be able to get the blood out anyway and really didn't want to keep that kind of reminder of what happened.
When he came out of the bathroom and entered the waiting room, Chris stood and handed him a bottle of water, which Sebastian took. "Thanks, man.", he said softly.
Sebastian went to sit on one of the couches and Chris sat right next to him. Sebastian set the bag next to his feet and opened the water, taking a long drink before replacing the cap and holding it with both hands, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees, sighing. Chris mirrored his sitting position.
Then they waited.
When you woke up, you were in a hospital room, slightly propped up in the partially reclined bed. The sun was setting outside the window. You blinked a few times as the fog in your brain lifted slowly. Sebastian was in a chair right next to the bed. His forehead resting on his folded arms right next to you on the bed and he was holding your hand underneath them.
Then you remembered why you were there. You probably could've cried again, but you were so physically tired that it didn't seem you even could right now.
You swallowed and your throat stung; it was so dry. You made a small noise at the sensation and Sebastian lifted his head, he brows furrowed in sympathy and relief as he spoke soft and sweet, "Hey, baby doll.", he managed a very slight smile with his closed lips and stroked your hand with his thumb. "I missed you." His eyes were still red and a bit swollen from crying earlier. Your heart ached for him.
"I missed you too.", you barely whispered, returning his small smile.
He stood and leaned over you, kissing your forehead, "How you feeling?" He sat again.
"My throat's dry."
He grabbed a cup with a straw from the tray table next to him and held the straw in front of your mouth, "Don't try to sit up, okay?"
You took a drink and hummed, "Okay. Thank you."
He pressed the nurse button on the bed rail near your head and it beeped a voice following after, "What can I help you with?"
Sebastian answered, "She's awake."
"Okay, we'll come check on her.", it beeped again and then speaker turned off.
A plump and bubbly nurse knocked and came in, she looked to be about 40 or so, she had a short feathered hairstyle dyed bright red, "Hi, sweetheart! I'm Julie, I'll be your nurse for the night shift. How we doin?", she asked as she wrapped a cuff on your arm to take your blood pressure, Sebastian still holding your other hand.
You smiled a little at her enthusiasm, "Um, okay, I guess.", you croaked. "I'm freaking starving though."
She giggled as she took your temperature with an ear thermometer, "Oh, that's a good sign! You can order something to be sent up to your room. The menu and phone are on the bed table over there.", She pushed a button on the thermometer and a little plastic guard shot off into the trash can she was aiming at. "If you need to go to the bathroom, please ring for a nurse to help you up and to get you back in the bed. I'll send your surgeon in a minute to talk to you."
"Thank you."
"Oh, you're welcome, honey!", and she left.
Sebastian handed you the menu to look at. Your eyes traveled over it, "Ugh, I could eat all of this."
He smiled a little and rubbed his thumb over your hand again.
The surgeon knocked and came in before you had a chance to decide on something.
"Hey, (Y/N). How are you doing?", he asked compassionately as he pulled a stool over next to the bedside opposite Sebastian and sat to be eye level with you.
You nodded, "Good, considering...", okay, you still had a little left in you... a few tears were coming.
He nodded and spoke softly, "Yeah. I know, hon. Something like this is still a difficult loss, but you can get through it. You can both get some counseling if you need to and just remember you did nothing wrong, okay? You too, sir.", he pointed at Sebastian. "This wasn't anyone's fault and I want you both to remember that. These things happen. Okay?" He looked at both of you. You both nodded.
He continued, "You can also still have children with just one fallopian tube, you just have to give it some time. I'm going to give you referral to an OB in your area to do your follow up visits and to talk to you about when you can conceive again if you so choose. You can eat anything you like, just listen to your body on what and how much to eat. You have three incisions in different areas from your belly button to just above your pelvic bone, they're small since the surgery was laprocospic, but you should still limit your movement and be gentle with yourself for a while. We're going to keep you until the morning after tomorrow to make sure everything is copacetic, then when you go home, one week bed rest, no strenuous or rigorous activity for two weeks to let your incision sites, the abdominal muscles under the incisions and all the stuff we patched inside heal. The stitches will dissolve on their own. You can take a shower the day after tomorrow. If you need to before then, washcloth wipe down with water, but not on the incision sites. We'll also send you home with some pain medication in case you need it, okay?"
Your eyes had gotten wide, "Um, can you write all that down?"
He chuckled, "Yes, I'll have the nurse type it up. Well, (Y/N), my shift is over. It was a pleasure taking care of you.", he shook your hand, "It's gonna be okay, alright?", he smiled genuinely.
You nodded and smiled, "Thank you."
He took a few steps away and you spoke up, "Oh-", he turned and listened, "Is it okay for him to sleep in the same bed with me... starting tonight?", you pointed at Sebastian, who smiled a little bigger than he had been and he squeezed your hand.
The surgeon chuckled, "As long as you're both comfortable with it and he can be careful with you, I see no problem with it. I'm sure you both could use being close right now."
You sighed and smiled, "Okay, cool. Thank you."
With that, he nodded and left.
"Where is everyone?", you asked Sebastian.
"They just went to the cafeteria to get something to eat."
"Have you eaten?"
He frowned a little and shook his head.
"Okay, well, then let's order you something when we order mine."
"Okay.", he nodded.
You started looking at the menu again and there was a knock and then Chris, Sharon, Tony, Pepper, Natasha and Bruce filed in.
You nearly threw your hands in the air, menu still in hand. You sighed and whispered in Sebastian's direction, "At this rate I'm never gonna eat." You were getting a little hangry.
Sebastian huffed out a breath of a laugh.
Everyone forced a smile at you and Chris greeted you hesitantly his face unsure, "Hi, sweetie."
You smiled at him a little, "Hi Chris."
He leaned over and gave you the most gentle hug he could manage, then he straightened, "How are you doing?"
You shrugged one shoulder, pulling the corners of your mouth down, tilting your head, "I'm okay. Sad, of course, but okay." Those fucking tears were coming, again. You looked at your lap.
He frowned a little, his eyes were getting a bit wet too, "I'm sorry, sweetheart.", he squeezed your shoulder gently and Sebastian took your hand again and squeezed it.
The menu in your lap was blurry now from the tears hanging on in your eyes, "Thank you."
You then looked at Tony and Pepper, worried, "Oh my God, you guys, the bus, the mess... I'm so sorry."
Tony gave you a dismissive expression, "Honey, don't worry about it. We'll take care of it. You just worry about getting better... And you two take care of each other.", he gestured between you and Sebastian. "You take as much time as you need, the both of you. We also got some rooms in the hotel down the street until you can go home." He smiled. It was an honest to God loving smile.
Sebastian nodded, "Thank you so much, Tony."
Nat, Bruce and Sharon where going to take the other bus home with everyone else in the morning, they all had jobs to get to the day after tomorrow. Nat loved on you for a few minutes and said goodbye, telling you to call her if you need anything. Her and Bruce left the room.
Sharon came to say goodbye and hugged you, "You're gonna get through this, okay?", she reassured and pulled back, but you grabbed her hand, "Thank you for being there for me, Sharon."
She smiled softly, "Thank you for being there for me."
You returned her smile and Chris walked her out the door saying he'd be right back.
Tony and Pepper said they were going to head back to the hotel for the night and went on their way as well.
Chris came back in and spent a little more time with you and Sebastian watching TV while you both finally got to eat something.
He then said goodnight and headed back to the hotel for the night to give you and Sebastian some privacy to grieve your loss.
You called a nurse in to give you something in your IV for pain and help you get up to pee, then back in bed and she left.
Sebastian turned out the lights and left the TV on so you could both watch for a bit. He kicked off his shoes and was extremely cautious getting in the bed with you. He sat back and propped a pillow behind his head. He managed to get his arm around your back and roll you to him without moving you too much. He wrapped his arms around you, kissed your temple, then you laid your forehead against his cheek.
After a moment he spoke quietly, "I thought I might lose you today. I was so scared."
You looked at him and frowned. You knew you were going to cry now, "Me too." You paused, "I haven't told you..."
He looked down at you curiously.
"I haven't told you how sorry I am that you had to go through this, Seb. I'm so sorry.", you looked down.
"It's not your fault, baby."
"I know, I just...", the tears were streaming down your face and you were starting to sob and you swiped the heal of your hand over one eye in frustration, "Ugh. I know it wasn't even baby yet, but it just hurts so bad."
He was starting to tear up again, furrowing his brow as he lifted your chin gently to look at him, "Hey, it was. It was our baby...and you have every right to be hurting- I know I am."
Your face showed sympathy as he spoke again.
"But, we're going to get through this, (Y/N). I love you, you mean everything to me and I will do everything I can to help you heal.", he kissed your lips so softly.
"I promise to do the same for you, honey. I love you."
He nodded, "I know, baby. I know you will."
You held each other tight and fell asleep quickly. To say it was an exhausting day would've been the understatement of a lifetime.