Don't tell me... [that you love me]

So you have the time of your life, what was it for?
You cut me then played with the knife, walked out the door.
And you say I'm a demon, and I know it's true,
and you say it's a battle that you can't lose.
I'm a warrior, warrior, I'm a warrior.
The questions that I'm asking you won't make a bleed,
and when does the lie become true for you and me?
And you say I'm a demon, and I know it's true,
and you say it's a battle that you can't lose.
I'm a warrior, a warrior, a warrior, a warrior. *

He was falling down... he thought it takes whole eternity. Pictures flashed through his mind, everything that happened from the moment he woke up on The Chair in HYDRA's base. All the moments of terror, fear, insecurity... happiness, safety... he wanted to see Brock again, he wanted to look Bucky in the eyes, ask why he chose Steve. He knew why. Friendship above all else. He closed his eyes waiting for a collision with the ground, which still was approaching. He didn't want to die. He had so many things to do, so many questions to ask. Had no time to talk with FRIDAY and make everything clear. Yes. FRIDAY. She would help him find the answers to unspoken questions...

"Boss?" said a voice in his mind. He opened his eyes wide. He died? He didn't feel any pain. "Boss, it's me. FRIDAY. Please, focus. You must quickly design elements of the armor."

"Huh?" he blinked, not really understanding. A grid appeared before him, hell lots of codes, the entire system was glued to his eyeballs. As he began to create armor, it materialized on the hands and feet. He hung in the air for a moment before the collision, he was so close to the ground... He swayed, his head suddenly hurt so much, like it was splitting in half. He didn't understand anything. He looked at his hands, which were now encased in gloves with repulsors.

"Extremis," FRIDAY's voice again rang beneath his skull.

Extremis. The last, Third Part which Viper gave him on the festival. This allowed him to create armor, materialize and summon it with a willpower. He also had an access to all his technology, could contact the AI... He closed his eyes, ignoring the dull ache, again he tried to concentrate. The next moment his whole body was covered in armor. He smiled beneath the faceplate. He felt light, free... powerful. He rose into the air and returned to the roof of the Tower. He landed on the edge, extending his hands with repulsors towards Steve. He was still lying in the same place, surprise painted on his face.

"Stay down. Final warning," Tony said, moving a few steps closer. But then Bucky appeared before him. No, it wasn't Bucky. It was the other one. Winter. Tony thought the soldier is going to attack him, but instead he was pulled into a tight hug, heard the quiet sobs. Armor, which he created in a split second disintegrated into dust, disappeared in the air. He snuggled into Winter with all his strength. Suddenly Roger's crazy laugh came into his ears.

"What is this sorcery? One of you should be dead."

Tony glanced at him over Winter's shoulder. He didn't understand what was the meaning of this. Next to him, however, stood the person he wasn't expecting. Brock Rumlow. And behind him... Tony wasn't sure how he knew, but he could swear that other guy name was Bruce. Bruce was surprised, his eyes wide open, and Brock... was smiling. As if he knew Tony will awake his Extremis at the last moment to save his own life. Winter didn't let go of him, he paid no attention to what was happening. He held the genius tightly, as if the fate of the world depended on this. The other two men went to Rogers.

"It's over, you lost," Rumlow said, pulling out a gun in front of him. "Stand up politely, you will go with us now."

"You understand nothing, don't you? I just wanted to protect you, Bucky. Red Skull wanted you back in the HYDRA. He knew exactly where you were. I begged him to let go, he suggested I could bring someone in your place. Best option was Stark. I flew to New York, I had to bring him to Wakanda. And by the way, he was meant to help you. I was thinking hard before I came to my final decision. I didn't want you both to become close, and HYDRA would leave you alone after such exchange. I wanted to be Tony's Handler to make sure he will never leave the base. But they chose Brock, they said he will be stricter, more cruel. They couldn't be more wrong," he gave Brock a contemptuous look. "Rumlow went crazy, but they still didn't gave the Asset to me... Instead they gave me the leadership... I could use that to protect you more, Buck. I tried to get rid of Rumlow after, but apparently did not work out. Though I wasn't expecting Madame Hydra's betrayal."

"Silence," Winter snapped firmly, not looking at Steve. He was still holding Tony in his arms. When the genius wanted to move, Winter stopped him and squeezed harder, he dug his metal fingers painfully into soft skin. "Don't move. Stay. Just like this. Good boy."

Tony too scared to move, stood there. He didn't know whether Winter won't go insane soon and fall into some kind of wild rage. Nevertheless, he felt extremely safe with him. After all... Moment later he saw Brock tugging Steve's shirt. Rest of the group came onto the roof, they took Steve hell knows where. Police came, a huge mess took place. Brock gave him an uncertain look, he didn't want to leave him with Winter alone, but Tony just nodded. I'll be fine. Soon after, Winter carried him into the bedroom, covered him with a blanket and sat down on the edge. He was watching over him like a sheepdog. Everything that happened today... it all happened so fast. Tony quickly fell asleep, he was exhausted. In the morning he learned that Steve is already in a security prison. He was charged for working with a terrorist organization, and soon the process will begin.

Tony insisted Brock should move to the Tower, and so he did. He was always present during breakfast or some group activities. Often visited the genius in the workshop. Bucky wasn't very happy about this. To be fair, he was furious. Several times he pushed the ex-HYDRA member in the corridor, several times he made him a scene. Some fighting happened in front of the others, in front of Tony... Rage took on momentum when Tony defended Rumlow. But after a few hours, anger has been replaced by emptiness, a feeling of hopelessness... Bucky wasn't surprised that Tony took Brock's side. In the end that guy trusted him while he, Bucky, didn't... He hit a punching bag again. He was at the gym, as usual anyway. He spent here half of the time, away from the others. He couldn't forgive himself. Tony told him many times what Steve had become and he never listened. I know a completely different Steve, he told himself, but it didn't help. Steve changed, and he didn't notice, on top of that he didn't believe the most important person in his life. The person Steve tortured. He felt a twinge in his heart, fear crept in there quietly. He was scared. He was afraid Tony will just go away. That he will leave him alone... Caress your fear.** He didn't know what to do. He sank helplessly to the floor and buried his face in his hands. What now?

In the evening, everyone gathered in the living room before the big TV and the console. They were going to play some games together. Of course, Brock was there, couldn't be otherwise. Brock was the main attraction, they wanted to integrate him with the group. Bucky sat back in his chair and watched the whole situation. He didn't want to play, he had no desire for anything. He didn't even know why he came here at all. Tony finally entered the room, late as usual. Even though he forgot about all his life, his behavior remained like it used to be. Bucky smiled involuntarily. Natasha immediately grabbed the genius by the arm and dragged on the couch to play with him a few rounds. Everything would be fine if Brock didn't tried to touch his Stark again and again. Nothing big, you would say, just a pat to the shoulder, gentle push... but he never stopped. Bucky couldn't stand it. He couldn't just look at this. Embrace your rage.** He got up and with left hand he grabbed the guy by the collar of his shirt and threw him against the wall. Insanity gathered beneath his skull. Kill him. He heard someone's scream from behind, someone tried to separate them. At one point, Tony barged between them. He tried to push him away, but it didn't work out. It all happened so fast...

"Bucky, stop it!" Tony shouted, shaking the other man's shoulders.

"What's wrong with you?! You let him touch you like a cheap slut?! You fuck with him too?! Fucking whore!" it escaped his lips before he could first think. What the hell, he didn't think this way...

"Bucky..." Tony whispered, so much pain in his voice.

"Tony... I... I'm sorry... I... I don't..." he began, but it was too late to take it back. Tony left the room, went to his workshop. Rumlow followed the genius, giving him a scornful look. Dead silence filled the room, everyone quietly escaped to do their own stuff. Evening games were finished. What have I done?

He couldn't sleep at night, tossed from side to side. Guilt ate him from the inside. He tried to get to the workshop, kneel and apologize, but entry was denied for him. FRIDAY's cold tone said that her Boss doesn't want visitors. He wanted to cry. In the morning he took a pack of crackers from the kitchen, a bottle of water and went to the gym. He tried to shut down himself. Stop thinking. He trained, beat a punching bag with all his might, imagining that bag is Rumlow. It's all because of him. If he wasn't here, nothing bad would have happened. He struck again, the sound of broken bones came to his ears. Next second he felt a piercing pain. But it was way smaller than the one he had in heart. He sat on the floor, waiting for the bone to mend.

"You finally realized you don't deserve him? You sure took your time," came a voice from behind, Bucky gritted his teeth, recognizing the owner.

"You think you deserve?" he growled, not even turning to the latter. He felt a familiar scent. Tony's scent.

"Certainly more than you do. At least I don't think he's a whore."

Idea of running up to the guy and beat the shit out of him was so tempting. Bucky had hard time to manage his hatred and fury. He bit his lip, until he felt blood on the tongue. Kill him, echoed in his head. Instead, he stood up, turned to Rumlow and gave him a crooked smile. He took a few steps forward, walked past him and headed towards the exit. He stopped at the door.

"That's mine Stark. Look for your own."

"Yours? I don't think he is a thing you can acquire. You're pathetic. Good thing is, you decided to hit bag here, than him in the workshop."

Bucky clenched his fists and walked out before he lost control of himself. He would never hit Tony, wouldn't hurt him... He regretted what he had said the day before. If he could, he'd turn back time and do things differently.

Brock couldn't believe what he had heard the previous day. He had no idea what kind of man is Barnes, knew him only as HYDRA's Asset. He wasn't expecting too much of him, but he wasn't expecting something like this. He could understand this idiot could be a little jealous, but not furious like this. The blame fell on poor Stark. He didn't know why he went to the gym this morning, he knew Barnes will be there. The conversation turned out to be futile, as expected. He learned earlier that the former Assassin treats Stark objectively, he felt a growing hatred for the man. Since that fight Tony wasn't leaving his workshop, not even for a breakfast. Brock tried to get in there, but it didn't work. FRIDAY blocked the entrance, Tony wanted no one with him. Somehow he felt guilty that all of this happened. Maybe if he kept a distance... Bullshit, it wouldn't work. Barnes was unbalanced, sooner or later he would go insane. Worst thing was Tony took it to the heart. Brock knew there was something between Tony and Barnes, everyone kept repeating this too. But if there was something earlier, it was long gone, turned into dust. Anyway, he thought so. And situation from yesterday only strengthened those beliefs. Once again, he found himself before the entrance to the workshop, knocked to the door. FRIDAY was silent this time and when he was about to go back upstairs, he heard a click. The door opened, he got an access to the forbidden world. He went in cautiously, looking around. Darkness surrouding the room was lightened by the computer screens. Desk was littered by the nuts, screwdrivers, pieces of armor, motor oil graced the floor – although he could create stuff online now, he liked to play with the old toys. Tony sat on the couch, had swollen eyes from crying. Brock quickly walked over to him and wrapped a frail body in his arms. What should I do?

"Tony..." he began, but soon was silenced with a wave of the hand.

"I'm fine. Temporary indisposition. I'll get some sleep and everything will return to normal. Something happened?"

"Too much going on lately. Steve's process, Barnes is a jerk, nothing is good. It's friday. I suggest a weekend trip. Away from people."

"Tahoe?"

"Yes. You should get some rest. What do you think?"

"Maybe this is not such a bad idea."

Brock nodded and a few hours later, already packed, they both went to the lake. They haven't told anything anyone, let them guess. In this way, Bucky had no chance to make another fuss. Tony was quiet all the way, staring out the window. When they were on the long, straight road, Brock put a hand on the genius' knee. Hazel eyes looked at him, tired and red, ready to cry more. Tony faked a smirk, who he wanted to fool? Brock, or himself? When they arrived to their destination the sun was high in the sky, the wind rustled the leaves, knocking them out of the trees. The genius first left the car and went to sit under a tree, near a bridge. Brock took the suitcase from the trunk and threw it carelessly into the house through the smashed door. House looked like a decaying ruin. All memories of this place were also in ruins. He himself was in pieces. Everything fit together. He let Tony alone, he needed it. Alone, away from the people and the city. Brock at that time brought branches to set a campfire, prepared food and blankets. Then he made a two cups of hot tea for both of them. Tony finally came to him, took the cup in his hands and sat down. He still didn't speak, so Brock he decided to start a conversation.

"I got this house inherited from my grandfather years ago. He died when I was little, didn't even know him. Everyone thought when I'll get my own family I'll bring them here on the weekends. But everything turned out differently. I came here for the first time with my girlfriend and a friend soon after I joined the HYDRA."

"Why did you join the HYDRA?" Tony interrupted.

"Came into conflict with the law, the police chased me. It was a small robbery, I don't know why I did this. My family wasn't rich, we lived in a poor neighborhood, sometimes we had no money for food, but that wasn't the reason. Maybe I was looking for adrenaline? I don't know, Tony. I was lost. A guy helped me to hide, said he know a place I could stay in longer. That he's able to give me the strength and weapons I want, if I'll go with him. So I followed. The offer was very tempting, but the price I paid later was too high. I met a guy named Red Skull, he wanted a proof of loyalty. He told me I must kill my best friend and girlfriend with my own hands. The guy who recruited me, came with me, he had to make sure I won't fuck up. We... we came here." he paused, swallowing hard. He took several deep breaths and continued. "I killed them both. I will never forget her eyes, to the very end she was unaware of what was happening. When she sank to her knees, when she was already dying, she said Let God forgive you... I buried them in the woods nearby. After this I never came here again. Everything is falling apart here, but I can't imagine renovating the house. Here lie my demons, the end of a story and the beginning of a new one. I showed up here again with you and Viper. We needed to stay somewhere, nothing else came into my mind. The first time I came here was when I tried to join HYDRA at all cost. And the second... I was making a plan to leave it. Fate's irony. Viper, however, couldn't make it... I don't want to go too sentimental over her, we both deserve to die like no other. But I'm alive, thanks to her. I still carry a cross on my back, blindly walking forwards, not knowing what to expect."

"You should sell this shack," Tony said, impaling several marshmallows on a wooden stick. "Too many bad things have happened here. Just don't tell anyone you killed people here, 'cause no one will buy it. You don't need problems. You live now with me, I think you have everything you need, if there is something missing..."

"I can't stay with you," Brock interrupted, finishing his tea. He put a cup on the grass and sighed. "Me and Barnes are from two different worlds. Fire and ice, we can't stay in one room together, unless you want someone to get hurt. It was a good solution to start with, Tony. But I think you can see that it's getting worse. You should get rid of one of us, best to kick out both. You deserve more, especially after what happened in your life."

At this their conversation practically ended. Tony either had no idea how to answer, or simply didn't want to continue. They stayed at the lake until late Sunday's evening. Tony caught a grip, got his shit together. He relaxed, forgot about problems, and began to spread endless stories. They returned to New York at night.

Bucky finished the training at four in the morning, when he was no longer able to stand on his own legs. He walked slowly towards his room. He felt hopeless. Lost. He had everything and lost everything. Tony went somewhere with Rumlow. He left no message, didn't take his phone with him. Nothing at all. He cut off from all of them. First Bucky was angry, but then he realized that it was the end of his fairy tale. Everyone avoided him, they were afraid of him. In the end he acted like a madman. He didn't know why he was losing control. He wanted to blame Winter, but it wasnt his fault. Something was wrong, Banner took samples of his blood for some tests. Maybe not all was lost, maybe he could get Tony back... He finally reached his floor. The door of his room was slightly open, that was surprising. I forgot to close, not a big deal. He sighed and stepped inside. He didn't turn the lights on, no longer had even the strength to go into the shower. I'll do it when I wake up, he promised himself. He undressed and crawled under the covers. But something troubled him. Blanket on his left was slightly moving. He glanced in that direction, it seemed that someone was here. He wanted to get up, turn on the lights and throw away the intruder. But maybe he was in a wrong room? Falcon had his room next to him. He looked around nervously, on the windowsill lay the knife, on the cabinet was an old-fashioned alarm clock. In an open closet hung his clothes. That was his room. Suddenly, he felt strangely familiar weight at his left side. Someone's leg was on his stomach, head on his shoulder. Soft, short, dark hair...

"Tony...?" Bucky mumbled, unable to believe what he saw.

"You fidgeting so terribly I can't sleep," he said, nestling even deeper into the body of another man. "On top of that you came late and you're sticky with sweat."

"What are you doin' here...?"

"This is also my bed. Well, unless you kicked me out. I wouldn't be surprised. Who would want a whore in bed..."

"Tony, don't say that. I'm not thinkin' like this," he replied sharply, tears rolled in his eyes. He embraced Stark with all his strength. "Don't leave me. Please..."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Tony, I'm sorry... I didn't... I don't know what's happenin' to me recently, I hate Rumlow, I want to go and kill... I'm so sorry... I'll change, I promise... just please don't leave me... I can't live without you... I love you... I love you so much it hurts..." he tightened the grip on Tony's shoulder, kissed him on the forehead with an incredible sensitivity. "Please tell me it's not a dream... and you'll still be here when I wake up..."

"This is not a dream, Bucky. I'll be here in the morning."

Bucky fell asleep holding Tony tight in his arms. Morning, however, proved to be his greatest nightmares. He woke up alone. He groaned pitifully, he wanted to cry right now. He turned on the side and closed his eyes. He didn't want to get up or take a shower, or even going down for a breakfast. He lost him, right? He just had another silly dream which just played with his weakness. He heard a click on the door, but didn't even turn around. He was not going to get out of the bed. It probably was Natasha, from the very beginning she was worried about him. He felt a touch on his forearm. It was gentle, but the hands were too big for a woman. He wanted to turn around, but he was afraid to see Falcon there, or even worse – Clint. But someone slipped under the covers and clung tightly to his back. This can't be...

"Going to spend a whole day in bed?" quiet laughter came to his ears.

"Tony...?"

"You thought I'd run away in the morning? I told you it wasn't a dream, and I'll still be here. I went to pee. I wanted to take a shower with you. I thought you would want to do it together. Unless you're disgusted."

Bucky turned slowly. Tony lay in front of him, smiling. A little uncertainly, as if he was afraid he was going to be thrown away. Bucky felt a twinge in his heart, he instantly embraced the genius. So it wasn't a dream after all, everything was true. He was here. With him. He sobbed quietly, burying his face in the crook of Tony's neck who was now comfortable lying on top of him. The scent of the latter struck his nostrils, drugged him temporarily, the world spinned. He muttered happily and rolled Tony on his back.

"I'm not disgusted. I love you, Tony. I care about you," he whispered, nibbling the lower lip of his lover. "You're mine. Mine."

After a very pleasant morning Tony dragged Bucky into the kitchen. Bruce was already there, waiting for them. He saw a surprise in the gray eyes. He made coffee for all of them and sat down on top of the table. For a moment there was an awkward silence, soon after Natasha joined them.

"I think I found the cause of your bouts of aggression, James," Bruce began after a moment. "I discovered this by accident. Earlier, out of curiosity, I wanted to examine Tony's Extremis. There are interesting chemical reactions between your supersoldier formula and his virus."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Bucky asked and placed his right hand on Tony's knee.

"Tony triggers your attacks of aggression. His Extremis is still in its infancy, is uncontrollable. And dangerous. We neither can see, nor feel it, but your formula is drawn to the Extremis like a moth to the light. Probably it also affected Steve. Extremis is a vile virus, has an impact on negative emotions, strengthens them. Only if Tony allows it to flow freely."

"I'm not goin' to avoid Tony, if this is what you tryin' to say," he snapped, glaring at Bruce.

"Come here," Tony whispered, stretching out his hands to the other man. Bucky reluctantly stood up and approached him. Once he got lost in the tight hug, anger left him. "Brucie-bear, any ideas how to fix it?"

"Fix it? Tony, it's up to you. You must learn to control your Extremis. He feels anger, when you are uncertain or scared. At least that's what I'm thinking. Extremis and supersoldier formula are similiar, have similar DNA molecules, but his code is more vulnerable. It looks like HYDRA wanted to bring James back through you."

Tony sighed, resting his chin on Bucky's shoulder. He purred in response and tightened his grip. When Brock came into the kitchen out of nowhere, everyone started to panic. Natasha began waving her hands, tried to tell him to leave unless he want to start a fight. Anyway, this was what everyone expected. A fight. Bucky only glanced at the newcomer, didn't react. Neither rushed at him with fists, nor said anything. He stood quietly holding the genius with him. Tony exchanged glances with Banner. Beast was put to sleep, but for how long? How could he learn to control what was now living inside him? He glanced at Brock and despite a smile, he saw a spark of pain in his eyes.

"Bucky, can I borrow Stark for a moment?" Nat asked, getting up from the table. Bucky reluctantly let go of him. Before he left, he whispered into his ear that he will be in the room. Nat didn't wait, she forcefully dragged him by the sleeve to a more secluded place. "I saw you with Rumlow at early night. Tony, you have to choose one of them. It can't go on like this. They are dangerous."

"I know," he growled in response, pushed her away and went to the workshop. The conversation was over. He spent there a whole day, and then... he finally decided.

He didn't know why he was here, but he felt that he had to come to this place. He had a things to do. He had to finish a chapter, as Brock did earlier. His first mission. Prove your loyalty. Virginia Pepper Potts. He learned that she was once his fiancee but they parted. He killed her, right? He remembered nothing from that mission. Wipe must have been very strong. Tony was at the cemetery, stood in front of the tombstone.

"I didn't want to find you. I was afraid that our meeting will look like this, that's why I delayed it as long as I could. I don't know about what to talk with the dead – or how... Let's do it like I call you. Like we talk on the phone,"*** he paused, laid a bouquet of flowers on the ground and sat down, thought for a moment about what he wants to say. "Hi, how are you? We haven't talk for a years. I'm doing pretty well, I'm trying to re-arrange my life, although memories of HYDRA are still hauting me. Everything is complicated. Steve went mad, sold me to HYDRA, apparently he was one of the few of my friends. It seems to me that I missed a lot of important facts. I still don't know many things... HYDRA created a virus for me, they wanted to turn me into their weapon. It failed, but this virus only made things worse. Steve tortured me, they didn't make him my Handler because they were afraid he would kill me. The court wants to sentence him to freeze, the final trial is next week. But I don't want to talk about him... not yet. I'm not ready. I regained my ownership rights, Stark's Tower is mine again. They returned everything to me. I think. FRIDAY really helps me to clear the mess in my head. You know, now we can contact with each other non-stop. I have access to my technology 24/7. I can create armors, summon them... it's a great feeling. I don't even know how to describe it. In a second you're powerful, safe... no one will hurt you anymore. But even that is not able to scare away the nightmares that wake me up at night. It's probably my past, memories that keep returning... A little of my past came back, I believe that those are the memories... I don't know. I can't distinguish the truth from a falsehood. Nothing I'm not sure, but I'm trying to get a grip. At least in front of the others. Maybe I'm creating a false image, but they don't need to know. Was I always like this? Two people came into my life. You know... I fell in love... in one of them... in another man. It's probably quite a big change in my life. I'm kinda scared. Natasha told me yesterday to choose... is it not obvious? My heart belongs to one of them, it always been. Neither I nor he, had a colorful past. Both in HYDRA... We both lost someone, someone close. I'd like to spend rest of my life with him, do you think I can do it? FRIDAY told that all my relationships didn't last long. I guess I'm too annoying. But I'm sure of one thing. I love him and would do anything for him. He think the same about me... heh. It is a pity that I was not able to do anything for you. You're here now because of me... I didn't want it. I really didn't, I had no idea what I was doing. I don't even remember anything. I was regularly brainwashed. At least at the beginning. I wish I could go back in time and fix it, but it's impossible... Wait, someone's calling me... it's him, he's probably worried... I'll call back later. I haven't talked with him since yesterday. I ran to the workshop and stayed there like a coward. I wanted to talk to you before I make an official decision. You know, you should meet him. His name is B-"

"Tony?" he heard a woman's voice from behind. Damn familiar. Slowly, he turned in that direction.

"...Pepper?" he gulped seeing a beautiful woman with a ginger hair. She came up to him and hugged him.

"It's good to see you again. I'm glad you made it."

"But... but... how?"

"Your mission Tony. It failed. You couldn't kill me. Brock Rumlow told me to run away and come back only when it'll get safer. I... I know everything, Tony. I know what they did to you. I'm sorry. But it's better, right? I heard you said that you fell in love. I'm sorry I showed up so late, I should come sooner."

"You missed a lot of things," he smiled weakly.

"I want to know everything."

"Well... it all began when I've decided to go to Wakanda..."

I can't tell but love you
Even though I try not to
I can't tell but want you
I know that I'd die without you

Stay with me a little longer
I will wait for you
Shadows creep
And want grows stronger
Deeper than the truth

I can’t help but be wrong in the dark
Cause I’m overcome in this war of hearts
I can’t help but want oceans to part
Cause I’m overcome in this war of hearts****