Don't tell me... [that you love me]

One and a half year earlier - New York City -

. . . Now spell Dysphoria...

. . . this is incorrect...

. . . the correct spelling for dysphoria is F - O - R - S - A - K - E - N - N - E - S - S *

So it starts like this...

The music was so loud that the plaster slowly began to fall from the wall. The lower sliding down the elevator, the greater the noise. The workshop was located in the basement of the Stark Tower. And there you could find the owner of all this mess. Anthony Edward Stark, aka. Iron Man. After the recent events and all this Civil War bullshit, Tony once again threw himself into work. Rarely faced outside unless he really starved or has been forced to participate in SI meetings – which was to take place that evening. This time, however, instead of creating new brands of iron man's armors, he studied nanonerves and perfected them wanting to make something to help his best friend with rehabilitation and full recovery. Speaking of which. James „Rhodey” Rhodes came to the workshop with with a huge pizza box and two cups of steaming coffee. Just as Tony likes. But as he stood in the doorway of the workshop, he almost dropped everything he held. Funny sight. Or rather terrifying, at least for people who didn't know the genius. Tony stood in the middle of the room, between the crumbling floor cables and... was he dancing? It wouldn't be surprising if he didn't dance with his own armor.

"Tony...?," Rhodey crossed the threshold of the door and took a few steps forwards towards genius. Then he noticed several empty bottles of Scotch on the table and shattered glass on the floor. He drank. And he promised he'll end all this...

"Rhodey, baby! You're late to the party!," Tony said cheerfully. His bags under the eyes grew bigger, as if he hadn't slept for a week or even more.

"The event is to begin. You have an SI meeting tonight. And you must to show up to this one. You skipped previous five, and Pepper will tear your head off if u don't show up tonight.

"Tell her I have no time. I'm busy"

"Busy what, Tony? Getting drunk? Or dancing with your own armor?," Rhodey sighed, putting a box of pizza and cups of coffee on the table. He took some long forgotten stool and sat down resigned. Something made a clicking sound – steel equipment attached to Rhodey's legs which helped him to move but it was terribly uncomfortable and noisy from time to time. He looked up at Tony as at someone who has lost his mind.

"I'm celebrating the creation of the first working nanonerve. It's quite complicated, I had to recreate everything from the remains of Cap's friend arm. I took it after the memorable fight in Siberia. I tested it all on my armor's glove. Runs great. I can even feel warm and cold. I'm even able to distinguish the structure under fingers and recognize material, can you believe it? Rhodey, darling, it will help you to get back to full health!." Tony almost jumped with joy. He unsteadily walked toward the other man and reached for a cup of coffee. He drank greedily untill it was empty. Rhodey answered him with the same, goofy smile he received from genius. Tony finally created something he was working on for months. He was proud of him, but also sick worried that Stark neglects himself. He always did. He worked, helped others, worried about everyone, and put himself at the tail end. He never admitted it, but Rhodey could see all of this under the thick cover. People always took Tony as a selfish and arrogant brat, which he obviously was. He was also annoying and cheeky, but deep inside there was a warm, soft heart that could be easily broken. James tried to convince Pepper that tonight's meeting won't work and she should give up this one, last time. She was adamant, said the genius must leave the Tower at once and can't be left alone in workshop this long. To make matters worse, she informed him that Steve will also be on this meeting. Yes, Steve Rogers. Captain fucking America which they fought not so long ago. Apparently he has some important issue for Tony that can't wait much longer. He hasn't called him, knowing well he wouldn't answer. Or answer and immediately cancel the call. So he contacted Pepper. Also asked to not tell Tony anything. Genius was still angry and couldn't get over it. He's trying to hide it, but it doesn't go well. He's lonely, anxious, he feels betrayed. That's why he's working this much, gets drunk and eats little. And when he drinks he does odd things. Rhodey looked at the Iron Man's armor that stood next to his creator. "Hmmmm? You want to dance with him too? It's MARK VII, he has some good moves. If he could he would probably became a dancer. But he has too square ass, who would like it?"

"You'll never change, Tones," Rhodey laughed shoving pizza box under his friend's nose.

"And that's why you love me!"

Rhodey made sure that Tony ate half of the pizza and drank his cup of coffee. Before the evening came, Tony was again spectacularly gorgeous, charming guy whose smile is to die for. In front of the building they met Pepper in a beautiful, light blue dress and high heels. She wouldn't be herself if she wouldn't complain about Tony at the very entrance. She didn't notice that the genius is slightly drunk and even if she did, she didn't comment it. Good. One problem down. She straighten his tie and pulled them all inside the building. Rhodey was wearing armor from the waist down, which helped him move until he could stand on his own feet – he refused to use wheelchair so both he, and Tony came up with the idea of using parts of his War Machine armor. At least outside the house. At house he was using moving equipment - that uncomfortable one - and, of course, was going through heavy rehabilitation under the supervision of specialists and Tony himself. They greeted the most important guests, exchanged polite formulas and answered a few questions before Pepper finally led them to their table. She sent them lovely smile which could mean she's going to bring tons of people and give them hard time. Then she brought a few new guys babbling about some technological innovations. Both Rhodey and Tony effectively ignored their arguments, nodding from time to time. They had to at least look like they were listening. After half an hour Rhodey had alcohol with a pink umbrella and Tony received only a glass of water. Probably there is no need to say how unhappy he was, right? Genius looked at his friend with a frown, then he caught the waiter and asked what is the meaning of this. He heard that Miss Potts told everyone to not give him any alcoholic beverages. He saw in the corner of his eye that Rhodey had a strong urge to burst out laughing when he himself signed in resignation and dropped to the back of the couch. When the guests finally left them, the ginger beauty again came out of nowhere, probably to announce that Tony can finally leave this funeral banquet. Rhodey just remembered there is one special guest waiting. Something is about to begin.

"Pepper, honey. Is that all? What a boring event, I'm not even allowed to drink alcohol. You could at least add some balloons here. And in general, who are those people? The first time I see them. That fat guy is a pure failure, he was drooling when talking and-"

"You still have one guest, I didn't tell you earlier. Don't hold it against me." she said quickly, thus interrupting what he was trying to say. He shut up. What guest? He looked at her confused. His gaze followed her when she left their table and went to some guy. Familiar guy. Fuck. Captain America himself. In the suit, with a silver and black tie, good hairstyle. Looking like a model from a magazines for teenagers, but it was him. Stark rose from his place, wanting to flee from this whole event. Right now he was even ready to flee through sewers. He wasn't ready to meet him yet. Not now. It's still too early. Something grabbed his wrist. Someone. Rhodey. His glance said a lot, but he wanted to be sure. He wanted to hear this.

"Did you know he would be here?"

"Pepper informed me this morning. Apparently it's some important matter. I didn't te-"

"If I knew I wou-"

"That's why." Rhodey cut him off in mid-sentence. Tony sat back on his place which was no longer as comfortable as several minutes earlier. "Tony, listen. We'll talk with him, we'll have it over and go home." Familiar blonde approached and greeted them. With a nod he took a place in front of genius. There was an awkward silence. Unusual phenomenon - Tony Stark sitting quietly. He was thinking about everything and nothing. Noone told him he's going to meet Steve tonight. Again. Either people are not telling him everything, stuff he should know, or they just simply lie to him. He should get used to it. He was staring at blonde before him blankly, he had nothing to say to him. Why he's even here? Where was he? No. That's not important. He left some phone number to call him, but Tony wasn't ready, was he? And now he comes here out of nowhere...

"So... what brings you to us?" Rhodey cleared his throat and asked breaking the silence.

"I need help." Steve replied staring at Tony. Does this guy ever blink? "Tony, I need you." Tony snorted briefly moving his gaze somewhere on the wall but then returned it to Steve. He has a nerve, cheeky bastard. He raised a questioning eyebrow expecting some kind of explanation. He refused to speak yet. He should just kick him out of here, but he will first kindly listen to him, and then kick him out. That's the plan.

"Tony, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I didn't want this all to happen. I didn't want to hurt you."

"To the point, if you would."

"I want you to help him. We tried to think of something, but we're stuck in a deadlock," Steve began. For a moment he lowered his head and took a deep breath. Next second he looked straight into the hazel eyes. Hollow eyes. Not showing any emotions right now, no hatred, no acceptance. Nothing. Steve swallowed, he never saw the genius like this. "I know I'm asking for a lot. Maybe too much. But I'll do anything, pay any price. Whatever you want, but I beg you, help him. He's now frozen in Wakanda. I have..." the blonde pulled out a stack of papers from inside his jacket and put them on the table in front of genius who looked uninterested. "...I have all Zola's records, about his work progress, but noone understand anything from it... that Soviet programming journal and codes were sent to you earlier. T'challa said it's best if you keep it. With that Bucky can be fully controlled, but I believe you might be able to deprogram him, discard it... I don't know, Tony, but I'll do anything. Just please, help him."

"Rhodey, tell the Captain Asshole that if he wants to do anything he can start from leaving this table, then room and building. Right after this he can wrap his ugly snout and get back to where he came from. I'm done. Anyone else up for some muffins?" Tony stood up and wanted to leave when he felt a strange twinge close to his heart. Suddenly terror spread through him. Shrapnel... some left. 'No, please not now', that were the only words he could think of before he closed his eyes. He grabbed his chest with one hand and table with second. He felt like he was losing his breath and ground underfoot. He felt like he was going down, collapsing into dark, shaking from fear. Again. Images began to fly before his eyes like some cheap movie in the cinema. Afghanistan. Portal. Where is his Arc Reactor? How much time he has left? Who took it? He'll die without it... He might have some spare ones at home. Will he be able to get there on time?

"TONY! Tony, calm down. Breathe," he heard someone's frightened voice. Familiar. He could also hear the voice inside his head. His father. 'You're a big dissapointment. Disgusting. I'm dissapointed with you'. Then he felt something wet on his cheeks. Tears. Someone's hand gently wipes them. He opened his eyes. Baby, blue, scared eyes. Steve. He had terribly worried expression on his face. Where is Rhodey? "It's ok. It's all ok. I'm with you, I won't leave you anymore. I'm sorry," leave him? He didn't understand, not really. Has he said something just now? He doesn't know, doesn't remember. All he is now is a ball of fear and pain.

"I don't need your pity," he blurted, trying to calm down.

"Tony..."

"Stop. Speak no more."

When Pepper and Rhodey came to them everything was fine. Tony calmed down and pulled himself together – at least that's what he thought. Steve even brought him a glass of forbidden alcohol. His friends came with a paramedic who persistently wanted to examine the genius. Great, they called an ambulance. To make things worse, a crowd of gawkers gathered around them, asking what had happened and whether everything is allright with Stark. Nothing was allright, and nothing will ever be. He only squeezed himself into the corner of couch, pressed knees against his chest and embraced them with arms. He shoved anyone who tried to get close to him. What caused this attack? He tried to think of something but nothing came to his mind. He was just sitting there, having a lovely argument... He was angry at himself, he wanted to get away from all those curious glances directed at him. It shouldn't have happened. Not here. He started at the glass of water, now broken, lying on the floor. It had to fall when he tried to grab a table to keep him from falling. That's exactly how his life looked like, like that glass now. It fell apart long time ago. How long it's been? He lost count. He saw Steve talking with Pepper and Rhodey somewhere among those people. Tony got up from the table, announced he is feeling sick and went straight to the bathroom. He washed his face with water and stood leaning against the sink, staring at his reflection. What he wanted to see there? Certainly not a broken man. Bloodshot eyes, big bags from lack of sleep and tired eyes. Completely wreck. And not so long ago, everything was different… Was he happy? Like, truly happy? What does it mean to be truly happy? Is it even possible to be happy after all that happened?

"When one card falls over, the whole house collapses. And there is no way to get out of the debris. Until someone comes and pull you out," he heard a voice from behind. He turned slowly to see how the blond, who just leaned against the doors second ago, comes up to him. Steve. He came after him? Well, after all, he had an interest. Everyone comes up to him only when they need something.

"And what's that? Life advance?"

"Haruki Murakami, South of the Border, West of the Sun," taller man stood in front of Tony and shrugged. His eyes focused on him, full of care in them. Full of conern. "I came to ask for help, but it turns you need it yourself. Can I do so-"

"Listen. I'm doing great. I don't need you or your help or your fucking pity. Everything's fine. What u witnessed was momentary indisposition, I'm working on it," Tony snapped, interrupting the latter. "The world didn't fell like the house of cards. I'm not anywhere under the debris. And even if I was, I got out of there long time ago. Alone. Without anyone's help. Stark men are made of iron."

"Yes, you proved me how fine you are a moment ago in that hall..."

"Now you're going to pretend you care about me so I would help your boyfriend?"

"Tony, what are you..." he felt Steve's hands on his cheeks forcing him to look straight at the latter. Straight into those blue, puppy eyes. He found there... disbelief? Cofusion? "I wanted to give you time. If I had known earlier in what state are you I'd come here much faster. And I certainly would not come to ask for help. How much you drank before this event?"

"Dunno. Some leftovers of what I took from the bar before FRIDAY set some kind of lock on it. I don't have access to my own alcohol anymore. Even my own AI is trying to restrict me."

"Even your AI is worried about you," Steve said pulling the smaller man close and embrancing him. He rested his cheek on the genius head sighing deeply. "as we all do. I know I messed up. I know I cannot rewind time, and even if I could... Tony, he's my friend. It really wasn't his fault, all of this was HYDRA, you would kill innocent man... I want to fix this, Tony. I'm sorry, let's start again?" Tony long processed the words Steve has said. It was the first time in a long when he was so silent during single evening. Simply he closed his eyes and let the warmth of other body seized him. The last time someone voluntarily hug him was probably when he was still with Pepper. He couldn't remember. Spiderboy doesn't count. He even forgot how nice it feels. Steve was right. He would kill innocent man with a cold blood. He knew this all along. Doubt entered his heart right after he came back home from Siberia. And let's be fair, he would do exactly the same for Rhodey if such things happened to him. Or he would do even more. Yet when he saw this man killed his defenceless mother... he just wanted to do the same to him. He wanted to make him suffer. Continuation of being merchant of death, eh? But if he, Tony, could accept his mistakes and say it out loud? No. But he could ignore them and move on. He was broken, but maybe he could find his salvation by helping someone who hurt him? Someone who killed his mom?

"I'll help you," he said after a few or several minutes. Long cuddle already recharged his batteries. He pulled away from blonde breaking the warm contact, "but I have conditions. Rhodey is coming with me, Vision too if he'll want to. I also need my own workshop and computers where I can load FRIDAY. Only I will have access to it."

"Tony, you don't have to... if you need more time..." Steve began just to be interrupted by the latter. Again.

"Shut up and listen. I will also need a lab for myself. In the workshop I will need a coffee maker and a comfortable, sleeping couch. Oh and own bathroom, I don't like to share a shower or bath with anyone. Of course everything under control both mine and FRIDAY. Noone interfere. Do I make myself clear? Fuck, Rogers, accept my help now. Before I come to my senses and change my mind."

"I... thank you, Tony. But I also have the condition. Let me help you."

"I don't need any help. I told you that already. I said I have everything under..." again he was pulled into the broad shoulders in which he could drown. He felt extremaly relaxed, calm and safe... Defenceless. Doesn't matter. He was lonely, like an abandoned puppy. He needed a temporary support now. Steve will give it to him if he will help his boyfriend. He thought he could agree to those terms. What could possibly go wrong? "…control. Although this form of support is quite enjoyable."

"I missed you, Tony.

Capsicle, and who doesn't miss me? I'm the greatest man in the world." Tony laughed when the man shook his head in response. "I missed you too, beefcake. Now... can we get out of this bathroom? Not like I mind, but if someone will come here he'll get a heart attack. It looks strange. Two men running away from crowd to cuddle in bathroom." Steve smiled, this time eyes full of joy and unspoken hapiness. Funny. Tony's plan to kick his ass out failed. How many more times his plans are going to fail? Is he even doing the right thing this time? The genius fell silent again, burried in his own world, when Steve took him outside, and then walked him... home. Like the old times. He looked up at dark, night sky, full of stars. Was he looking for an answer now? He had no idea, but his heart was racing. 'There are some things in this world that can be done over, and some that can't. And time passing is one thing that can't be redone. Come this far, and you can't come back.'**

"Rhodey, darling! Get your ass ready! We're going to Wakanda!"