Jillian flirts with Erin for the fun of it, well not entirely. She also flirts with Erin because she likes her and wants to see if she can pull any sort of reaction from her.
She doesn’t really think she stands a chance but a small part of her hopes that she does because she means it when she says she really likes Erin.
Has since the moment she saw her.
It was like an instant realisation, it was kind of terrifying.
And she hopes that somehow, someway Erin maybe likes her too.
But Erin is fragile, she knows that. Jillian believes that from the small touch of her hand to Erin’s, Erin’s skin will break under the pressure.
So she tries to play her cards right, keep in line enough that she doesn't scare Erin away. That is the last thing she wants.
She doesn’t know how much of herself she wants to reveal. She wants to be playful enough to not make her feelings blatantly obvious but also make it clear that it isn’t a complete joke.
It’s risky because she can’t read Erin’s mind, it would be so much easier if she could because she could easily be taking everything out of context.
Taking every little reaction caused by Jillian’s stupid pick-up lines, comments, nicknames. She could be taking every small smile, laugh, occasional blush flushing her cheeks completely wrong.
She doesn’t know entirely, that’s what scares her but she wants to be able to trust what her heart is trying to tell her, listen to it first instead of her many thoughts circulating in her brain.
Her instincts are hardly ever right, unfortunately but that was her luck but something about this, something about Erin felt different, maybe for once she’s right and maybe she did have a chance.
-
Erin doesn’t really know how she got here exactly.
One minute Holtzmann was just Holtzmann but now?
She doesn’t know when Holtzmann stopped just being Holtz, the woman she worked close by every day. The eccentric engineer who’s very skilled and probably one of the smartest people she has ever met.
She’s still all of that, of course but now? Now she’s finding herself wanting to be closer to the blonde, wanting to be able to touch her in any way she can.
She doesn’t know when Holtzmann became one of the most beautiful people she has ever seen. Who’s eyes are the prettiest blue she’s ever looked into.
She’s never felt this way before about anybody she’s sure. She’s sure she would remember feeling this way about someone but in her almost 40 years of living, she doesn’t find a person that sticks, except Holtz.
Every pick-up line, comment, nickname catches her off guard. It causes her to flush hot and she finds herself smiling in amusement but also because she feels her stomach growing weak.
She can’t read Holtz’s mind, maybe she’s just doing this for the fun of it, to make Erin react because she knows she can pull any sort of reaction from her.
She doesn’t really get it, she’s not sure if Holtz is really interested in her that way but sometimes it feels as though she’s not joking, that she wants to make it almost obvious that she isn’t but then she’ll pull on that grin and continue working as if she never said anything.
Erin doesn’t think she stands a single chance. She tries to make herself believe she doesn’t actually care, that she doesn’t actually want Holtz.
But she’s a complete liar.
She does.
-
Maybe it’s about to fall together.
But Jillian is so fucking wrong.
-
Jillian stands on the roof, looking out at the view. She has no clue how she ended up here, doing what she loves with who she loves and staring out at such a pretty view.
She hears the door open and soft footsteps behind her.
“Hey.” Erin says, coming to rest her arms on the ledge as she also looks out towards New York.
“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” Jillian mutters out.
“It really is.” Erin sighs.
Jillian turns to look at her then, she watches as Erin’s hair dances in the gentle breeze. She smiles.
Erin also turns then, looks at her for a moment before she smiles too. “What?”
“Nothing.” Jillian shakes her head but doesn’t pull her eyes away. She feels as though she can’t.
She steps closer.
“No, really what is it?” Erin continues to smile.
“Nothing.”
She steps closer again.
“Holtz?” Erin turns her body fully towards Jillian, looking at her a little confused but she still continues to smile.
They’re standing face to face.
“You’re really beautiful, do you know that?”
Erin’s eyes soften. She doesn’t say anything.
“I think you’re one of the prettiest people I’ve ever seen.” Jillian says softly.
Their eyes meet. She leans closer.
“Really?” Erin finally speaks after a beat.
Jillian nods.
“I think so too.”
Jillian raises her eyebrows, “I like the confidence Gilbert.”
“No,” Erin lets out a laugh and shakes her head, “I wasn’t meaning me, I meant you. I think you’re one of the prettiest people I’ve ever met, too.”
“You think so?”
Erin nods.
They stand close, very close. They don’t speak, they don’t say a single thing. They just listen to the cars down below, rushing by.
Erin moves closer. Jillian takes her hand.
She scans Erin’s eyes once more, trying to find any signal that she should stop and step back.
She doesn’t find one.
So she leans in. She leans in and connects their lips. She doesn’t feel Erin move for a moment, a feeling of panic flushing over her entire body.
Then, Erin kisses back.
Her hand moves to Jillian’s waist and pulls her in closer, close so their bodies are pressed together.
Jillian cups Erin’s jaw, kissing her deeply.
Erin’s hands hold Jillian’s waist, her fingers grasping her t-shirt.
The sky is darkening, the breeze picks up and washing over them and it’s like something changed, something clicked because Erin pulls back, slow, breathless and rests her forehead against Jillian’s.
“I can’t-” She breathes, “we can’t do this.”
“Okay.”
Jillian pulls back, feeling the immediate loss of heat, of Erin’s body against hers.
Erin turns away, faces the sky and Jillian is almost certain she hears her mumble “fuck” as she walks away.
“This is why I don’t trust my fucking instincts.” Jillian thinks as she walks down the stairs.
She leaves and goes home.
-
Erin has no fucking clue why she did that. That’s what she wanted, that’s what she’s wanted for months and she decided to stop it and pull away.
Her mind is storming. “Fuck.” She mumbles, placing her head in her hands.
She hears the door shut.
“Oh my god.” She groans.
She can somehow still feel Holtz’s lips ghosting hers. She listened to her brain instead of her heart at that moment. Her brain told her to stop because her brain tells her constantly that she doesn’t deserve this, that Holtz deserves better, way better than Erin.
She should’ve listened to her heart, her heart that is now beating out of her chest because this is what she has wanted for months and she blew it.
She turns and heads back down.
She looks into Holtz’s lab, it’s empty. She walks down to the first floor, scans the room. Abby and Patty are looking at her.
“Where’s Holtz?” she asks.
“She went home, she said she didn’t feel well.” Abby replies, she eyes Erin and then looks back at Patty.
“Oh, oh okay.” Erin covers her eyes with her hand and exhales slowly. She takes her lower lip between her teeth, trying to fight a sob that is willing to escape.
“Erin is everything alright?” Patty questions.
Erin nods, she removes her hand and reveals her watering eyes. “Everything’s fine.”
“No, I just made a really stupid mistake.”
-
The next few days are hell.
Every time Erin tries to talk or explain, Jillian won’t listen. If Erin walks in the room, she walks out.
She doesn’t blame her though, of course she doesn’t. No wonder she doesn’t want to look Erin in the eye after what she did.
But she just wants to tell her that she’s sorry, that she didn’t mean anything she said and that it was a mistake.
The first two days Erin tries so hard to get through but Holtz shuts her down each and every time.
As the next couple of days passed and Holtz still hadn't spoken a single word she just thought what’s the point?
So she left it.
Maybe everything between them is ruined, maybe whatever friendship, whatever relationship they had or could’ve had is gone and it’s her fault.
Because she pushed Holtz away, she pulled back because she was afraid. This was her fault.
She doesn’t know why she’s frustrated, she did this to herself. She’s the one who panicked, she’s the one who threw everything away the minute she pulled away and said “I can’t.”
So Erin stops trying to push it, she tries her best to stay out of Holtz’s way.
Maybe she will come around again, maybe she won’t but she wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t.
Maybe everything would be fine again
but she highly doubted it.
-
Everything was so wrong and muddled and Jillian couldn’t think straight for over a week.
She hasn’t talked to Erin since that night. Every time Erin walked into a room Jillian was in, she walked right past her and out because she couldn’t stand being in the same space, couldn’t actually look at her without thinking about that night, the kiss.
The kiss that felt so fucking right, everything felt so fucking right until Erin pulled away and said “we can’t do this.”
She knew it was risky but she really thought she was right about this, she listened to her heart and ignored her brain but she was still wrong.
So every time Erin tried to explain, she wouldn’t listen. She didn’t want to hear whatever excuse Erin had. She wanted to stop and Jillian had to respect that, so she tried.
Even though it hurt her even more. She didn’t listen, didn’t look or talk to Erin for over a week.
Maybe she had a good explanation but Jillian didn’t want to hear it, not now at least.
Because she thought everything had finally fallen into place, that that was it, after months it finally happened but she still couldn’t have been more wrong about the one thing she thought she was certain about.
-
She hears footsteps enter the room. “We’re going out.”
“I’m in the middle of this.” Jillian doesn’t look up.
“Holtzmann, you’re taking a break and we are going out, okay.” Patty says, her voice firm and steady.
She looks up, pulls off her goggles and places them on top of her curls.
“Okay.”
-
“What’s happened?” Patty asks as she sits across from Jillian.
Jillian nurses a bottle of beer, she brings it up to her lips and takes a long draw.
“Holtz, seriously. What’s been going on?”
Jillian places her bottle back down on the table. She clears her throat. “We kissed last week.”
“Is this why you two have been acting off because you kissed, I thought this was a good thing?”
“I thought it was too but she pulled away and said that we couldn’t do it.”
“Oh?”
“She’s been trying to talk to me but every time she’s tried I’ve shut her down.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to hear it, Patty. I can’t stop thinking about that night, I seriously can’t handle it and I don’t want to deal with more rejection. I thought she wanted something, I knew I wanted something. She kissed me back for fuck sake.” Jillian put her head in her hands and let out a sigh.
“Listen Holtz, I know this is a shit situation trust me I understand that but you’re not hearing her out, what if she really has something to say, has a reason on why. You’ll never know if you keep shutting her down.”
“It’s not as simple as that though,” Jillian’s voice breaks as she looks up at Patty. “I love her and I can’t, it’s not something that’s just going to go away.”
“Hey,” Patty reaches across the table and grabs her hand and gives it a gentle squeeze, “it’s okay.” Patty smiles. “But you really, I think for all of us you need to talk to her, Holtz.”
Jillian nods slowly, a tear rolls down her cheek. She wipes it away quickly as if it was never there to begin with.
“Okay.”
-
“Erin what’s happening?” Abby asks.
Abby pulled Erin into the kitchen after Patty and Holtz had left because Abby and Patty were both as confused as each other and they wanted to know why their friends hadn’t spoken a single word to each other for over a week.
“We kissed.” Erin says.
“Okay, that’s a good thing right so what happened, why aren’t you speaking to each other?”
“I pulled away.”
Abby eyes her, “Oh, is it because you don’t like her in that way or because?”
“No I do.”
“So, right this isn’t adding up, if you like her then why did you pull away?”
“Because,” Erin lets out a breath, “she deserves so much better than me Abby.”
“Erin, are you serious?”
She nods.
“Erin, you need to stop doing this.”
“I’ve never felt like this, for anyone before and I don’t really know what to do knowing that. I didn’t want to hurt her, I got scared and I panicked so I said we can’t do this.”
“Erin..”
“I feel like such an idiot,” Erin feels a lump grow in her throat, “because I love her.”
Abby frowns, Erin slowly starts to break.
“Hey, hey it’s okay.” Abby stands and walks over to where Erin is leaning against the kitchen counter. She wraps her arms around her and Erin begins to softly cry into her shoulder.
Abby holds her as she quietly sobs.
“I’ve messed it up.” Erin mumbles out. “And she won’t even talk to me.”
“She’ll come around, I promise you.”
“What if she doesn’t?” Erin pulls away and looks at Abby.
“She will.” Abby smiles at Erin. “Okay?”
Erin nods, “Okay.”
-
“Holtzmann.” Erin walks into Jillian’s lab.
She doesn’t answer.
“Holtz, can we talk, please?”
She looks up, “Alright.”
Erin looks a little shocked at her answer, shocked that she even replied at all, shocked that she acknowledged her.
“I’m so sorry.”
“It’s fine.”
“No, it’s not fine and you know it’s not so please stop pretending that it is.
“It’s fine, Erin I swear.”
“Holtzmann, please.”
“Erin what do you want me to say exactly?”
“I don’t know.”
“See, exactly you don’t know and I don’t know. Listen if you don’t want to have anything with me, fine I totally understand that but you don’t get to let me believe you do until we’re kissing, okay?”
“I wanted to kiss you.”
Jillian’s eyebrows furrow. “I’m not understanding, you wanted to kiss me but you still pulled away.”
“Yes I know I did, I fucking know I did but I regretted it the minute I did.”
“Erin, I'm really confused. Do you want this or not?”
“Holtz of course I want this but I-”
“So why did you pull away?”
“Because I’m scared.” Erin says and turns so her back is to Jillian for a moment, her shoulders deflate, she turns back around again and wipes under her eye with her thumb.
Jillian’s face softens ever so slightly.
“You’re scared, what are you scared of?”
“Holtz, you deserve so much better than me. I’m scared that I’m not enough for you, that I won’t be able to meet your needs. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Erin, how do you know you’re going to hurt me, we haven’t even tried.”
“That’s who I am, I get scared and I run, you already know that because I’ve done it before and it was one of the worst decisions I ever made but I got her back and then I met you and I can’t, I can’t fuck this up too.” A tear rolls down Erin’s cheek. Jillian steps out from behind her work bench and walks over to where Erin is standing.
Jillian brings her hand up and wipes away the fallen tear with her thumb. She has no idea if that was an okay thing to do right now but it happened almost out of reflex. “Erin, don’t you understand that I want to be with you?”
“Holtz, you are everything, absolutely everything to me,” she lets out a sob, “but what if this doesn’t work? I don’t want to lose you.”
Jillian looks into Erin’s eyes and it feels like the first time all over again. “Then it doesn’t. I think it would be a waste if we didn’t try because Erin you have been everything to me, ever since I met you.” She pauses, “I love you more than you’ll ever know.”
Erin’s eyes widened a little.
“You love me?”
“Of course I love you Erin, isn’t that obvious?”
“I love you,” Erin mutters out, “I really do but I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t.”
“I already have.”
Jillian’s eyes begin to water, she closes them and exhales a breath. “We haven’t even started and you’re already saying it’s not going to work.”
“You deserve better than me, Holtz.”
Jillian shakes her head.
“Please, Erin.”
Jillian hears Erin let out a breath and she thinks that maybe this is it, that Erin’s just going to walk away.
She’s wrong.
-
Erin leans in and kisses her.
Her hand moves to Jillian’s waist and pulls her in close, close so their bodies are pressed together.
Jillian cups Erin’s jaw, kissing her deeply.
Erin’s hands hold Jillian’s waist, her fingers grasping her t-shirt.
There’s a feeling that washes over them and it’s like something changed, something clicked. Erin pulls back, breathless and rests her forehead against Jillian’s.
Only this time she doesn’t back away, she doesn’t mutter a single word. She breathes in and exhales slowly and leans back in and captures Jillian’s lips with her own again.
Jillian holds her closer, her hand pressed into the small of her back, pulling her in.
She moves back for a moment, she opens her eyes to look into Erin’s, blue meeting blue.
“Do you want this?” Jillian whispers out.
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.” Jillian kisses her again.
-
So they try.
It isn’t perfect but they already know that but they are strong enough to come back every time because they work and it’s meant to be that way.
They have moments of fire and wrong, times they believe that it’s actually the end, that they’ve pushed each other to the edge but they both come back stronger and willing to fight because the both of them know that something like this, what they have isn’t something that comes around often.
Jillian needed Erin and Erin needed her.
So they try and they work and they love.
When their moments of fire end, Jillian takes Erin’s hand and holds it gentle in her grip. She brings it up to her lips and kisses her knuckles.
Erin wraps her arm around Jillian, brings her in closer to her. “I love you.” She mumbles into blonde curls as she plants a soft kiss on her head.
“I love you.” Jillian smiles.
-
They try and they work.
It isn’t perfect but they already know that but they are strong enough to come back every time because they both know that they’ve found their forever person.