“Tony, stay still please, this is already hard enough as it is,” Steve scolded, trying to keep him still with one hand and unfold the diaper with the other one.
“No, I take it back… I take it back, I don’t want this anymore… let me go, please, let me go!” Tony demanded, panic in his voice, as he succeeded in turning around and crawling a little away from the captain before this one caught him by the ankle and pulled him back.
“Tony, I read the instructions on the package, but I’m not quite sure I got them right, and if you keep moving I won’t be able to diaper you, so please, stop this already,” Steve said without being able to disguise the frustration in his voice. He tried to turn Tony around, who had fallen on his stomach when he was dragged.
“But I’m telling you I don’t want to. I changed my mind. Let go of me!” Tony mentally cursed the serum, why did Steve have to be so strong? Tony couldn’t even move an inch away from him, especially now that Steve had put the diaper aside with the intention of using both hands to handle him.
After some more kicks and punches, Steve placed Tony in front of him for the fifth time already, a little bit closer now, causing Tony’s legs to end up dangling beside the bed. Without hesitation, Steve simultaneously undid the jean’s button and unzipped its fly, pulling both the jeans and the boxers down. Nudity wasn’t really an issue here, besides the fact that they had shared showers in SHIELD several times after a battle and decontamination, Tony wasn’t exactly known for his modesty – someone who had several photos in his birthday suit out on the Internet couldn’t be modest, not really. Therefore, the blush on Tony’s cheeks were caused by the whole situation itself and not his nudity.
If somebody walked in at that exact moment, he or she would definitely get a wrong idea. Good thing Tony had been very clear when he ordered JARVIS not to let anyone in, no matter what; unless it was a matter of life or death, and even like that, JARVIS would have to ask before opening the door.
Now that Steve had finally succeeded in keeping Tony still and getting rid of his trousers, the only thing left to do was diapering him up. That’s was a problem, Steve had no idea how to do it considering that he had never tried it before – it wasn’t like he had a lot of opportunities to be around children with the war and everything that was going on before – and he wasn’t sure he could do it. Even worse, the diaper had ended up a couple of meters away from the bed when Tony had accidentally – or intentionally, Steve wasn’t sure – kicked it in the middle of the struggle. Sighing exasperatedly, Steve tried to reach it while continuing to keep his partner in place, but it was impossible, the serum had made him unnaturally strong, but it hadn’t given him any kind of elasticity.
“Tony, I need to get the diaper, please stay here,” Steve pleaded before moving away to retrieve it, he really didn’t feel like chasing after Tony one more time.
But obviously Tony wasn’t going to do fulfil his request, not when he had been trying to get out of this for more than an hour now. As soon as Steve moved away to grab the diaper, Tony stood up fast and walked away, totally forgetting the fact that his jeans were around his ankles. He tried to keep the balance, but by the seventh step he took, he fell down flatly on the floor.
“Tony! Are you OK?” Steve asked as he approached him, but Tony was already on his feet, pulling up his jeans. “Jesus Tony, I asked you to stay there. See what happened. Did you hurt yourself?” Steve reprimanded as he tried to get closer to check if there was any kind of injury, but Tony moved further away.
“I’m OK,” Tony lied, rubbing his chin.
“Would you go back to the bed so we can get done with this? I’m getting kind of hungry,” And frustrated, but Steve didn’t say that out loud.
“No, I told you I don’t want to do this anymore, so leave,” Tony demanded, but the order didn’t sound like one due to the nervousness in his voice.
“But I thought we agreed to do this,” Steve claimed walking toward him, but he fully stopped when Tony stepped back again.
“Well, I take it back.” Tony’s eyes were looking everywhere but Steve. Surely he was trying to figure out an escape route. Steve was standing between him and the door, making impossible for Tony to leave the room without having to dodge him first, which was going to be very hard for him – impossible, actually.
"We are already here Tony. C'mon, at least give it a try, if you don't feel comfortable or you don't like it, we'll stop and that's it," Steve urged.
"I don't want to."
"Why? I'm OK with this, I promise." Maybe if Steve kept insisting, Tony would end up agreeing again.
"I said I don't want to!" Tony spitted out just as his back came up against the wall, becoming aware of the fact that he wouldn’t be able to step further away.
"But then tell me why."
"Just because," Tony said as he crossed his arms over his chest, pouting. Steve sighed loudly. That pout meant that Tony was in what Steve started to call "sulking mode", and when he was in sulking mode it was impossible to talk him out of it.
"Well. Then we're not leaving this room until one of these two things happen: you rather let me diaper you or you tell me why you changed your mind." Oh yeah, if Tony thought he was the only stubborn one here, he was so wrong.
"You're hungry," Tony stated.
"I’m touched by your concern, but don’t worry, I won't die of starvation." Steve chuckled as he sat down on the floor in front of the door. Tony glared at him.
"JARVIS, send me one of my suits please." A smirk showing on his face as Tony ordered that. He might not be a worthy opponent while being just Tony, but when he was Iron man, well, that was a different story.
"I'm sorry sir, but you asked me not to let anyone until you finish, no matter what," The A.I. answered, causing Tony’s smirk to fade.
"What the hell JARVIS? Are you fucking kidding me?!"
"I'm not kidding you, sir. Those were your orders."
"But right now I'm ordering you something else, and my suits are not anyone!" Tony fumed, how come nothing work out the way he wanted lately? Had he broken a mirror and he hadn’t even noticed about it or what?
"I know sir, but as I said earlier, your instructions were very specific and clear. And if I may say sir, you haven't finished.” And with this, Steve couldn't help to chuckle once more, earning another glare from Tony.
"JARVIS!" This wasn’t supposed to sound like a whine, but it kind of did.
"I'm just following your orders, sir."
"No, you're not! You're pairing up with capsicle in here!" Tony continued whining, stamping the floor. More mature reactions, damn! "We're not leaving then! We're going to stay here for the rest of our lives and our corpses will be found until they start smelling bad!" And yeah, that sounded even more childish, but he didn't care anymore, because he was already getting mad. He mentally kicked himself, what a fucking great idea had been to give the A.I. the potential to learn! It was a fact that one of the reasons he had created JARVIS was to look after him somehow, but this wasn’t taking care of him at all.
Tony sat down on the floor, glaring at Steve, who just look back at him, kind of smiling. Why on earth had he agreed to do this? What had he been thinking? How the hell had Steve managed to convince him into doing such a thing? The captain might not be as good as him at talking people into doing whatever he wanted, but Steve sure had some aces up on his sleeve too. Although, even if Tony didn’t want to acknowledge it, Steve might not have gotten him to do anything, Tony might have agreed willingly.
- - - -
That day, Clint and Natasha would be in the other side of the world on a mission. Bruce was still on his endless trips helping people like the good Samaritan he was. Thor hadn’t been around a lot lately, and when he actually came to the Earth, he preferred to spend more time with Jane. And Steve would be hanging out in this apartment in Brooklyn. Thus, Tony was going to be totally by himself at the Tower, and that was something that didn’t happen so often lately. He had to take advantage of this. It had been a long time since he had let himself get into his Little headspace, doing everything possible to avoid it. Although that wasn’t an option anymore, most of his mental energy had already been consumed for doing this, and if Tony wanted to keep functioning well, he had to let his Little come out and play.
So, Tony allowed himself get into his Little mindset, now when it was still out of free will and not a slip caused by pushing that side away for too long. Now when he didn’t have to be focused more on his surroundings than the toys in front of him, jumping every time he heard a noise, afraid somebody may walk into the room and catch him while his Little headspace was in charge.
Playing with Legos and watching Disney movies, that would do. Tony even allowed himself to suck on a pacifier while he built an entire city out of Legos –JARVIS had really shown off its ability to find and purchase the most awesome toys online. Tony had been so immersed in his play, that he never heard neither the doors of the elevator opening nor the footsteps that approached the living room where he was. To be fair, Tony couldn’t be mad at anybody for this. Not even JARVIS, because being sure nobody was going to be in the Tower, he hadn’t even bothered to ask the A.I. not to let anyone in. And he didn’t even have to, not really, since nobody used to walk into his personal living room.
“Hey Tony, I was wondering if you would like to spar with me,” Steve asked as soon as he was in front of Tony. Needless to say they both froze immediately.
Without knowing what to do, Tony started to hyperventilate, too deep in his Little headspace to be able to come up with a clever excuse to get away with the situation without having to explain anything. He couldn’t quite make out Steve’s expression, since he was either laughing or frowning like Tony expected him to do. Nothing. Steve just stood there, wearing a blank expression – slight curiosity, at the most. That made Tony feel even much uneasier.
After several minutes, Tony could recover from his shock and gather the enough strength and will to stand up and ran as fast as he could to his room, slamming the door and locking it. Now that he thought about it, that had been a very childish reaction. Damn. Steve knocked at the door and apologized for going in without a warning, and asked Tony to please go outside so they could talk about what happened, but it was obvious that Tony wouldn’t do that. He was too busy trying to get through the worst panic attacked he had ever experience in his life. There was no way he could face Steve after what had happened.
The following days were awful. Tony had been taken out of his Little mindset all of a sudden, which made him cranky. On top of that, somebody had seen him, somebody had discovered his most embarrassing secret, which made him much crankier. He must have pissed someone up there, because it was just very bad luck that that somebody had been Steve. Of all the people, why had it had to be Steve? Even if they had been smoothing things over between them for the sake of the team, Tony was sure they would never really stand each other, and Steve’s recent friendliness was just a façade.
Day in day out, Tony sneaked out in his own house. He spent no time in the communal rooms, he hid all day in his workshop, and the time the Avengers were assembled to deal with some robots that wanted to destroy the city, he made sure to leave as soon as the problem was taken care of in order to avoid running into Steve. Yes, more of his not-so-mature behavior, but it was better than the alternative. And of course Steve had been looking for him, wanting to talk to him. JARVIS had informed Tony a lot of times that the captain tried to get in touch, but Tony wouldn’t do it. He didn’t want to do it. He couldn’t do it.
Nevertheless, it was not possible to avoid someone forever, Tony knew he would have to face Steve sooner or later, but he really preferred it was more later than sooner. But apparently life hated him, because by the eight day after the incident happened, Tony crashed into Steve right outside the communal kitchen, when he was sneaking some coffee. At midnight. Who goes in the kitchen at midnight but him? Steve was surely waiting for him.
“Jesus Tony, you are really sneaky,” Steve told him at the same time he grabbed Tony by the arms so he wouldn’t fall down. Really, Tony couldn’t be blamed for staggering, running into Steve was like running into a huge rock.
Tony tried to turn around and leave, he still wasn’t ready for the conversation Steve surely wanted to have with him, but Steve never lost his grip. Tony was literally dragged into the living room and pushed down on the sofa, a hand on his shoulder keeping him from standing up.
“We need to talk Tony, it’s not possible you keep avoiding me like this anymore. We’re a team, we need to be in touch in order to work correctly in the battlefield,” Steve argued, sitting down next to him.
“Of course we can talk Cap! Don’t thigh you star-spangled ass. What do you want to talk about, huh? Do you want to ask me for an improvement on your shield? Do you want a color change, I don’t know, something a little bit pinkish? Do you think your pants need to be tighter? Because let me tell you, your fans would totally love that! Or maybe you want my help to steal Fury’s eyepatch! I know you’ve been thinking about that too! But let me tell you something here Gramps, we are definitely going to be benched after that, are you…”
“Would you just shut up?” Steve interrupted him, trying to sound polite but the frustration in his face gave him away. “You know exactly what I want to talk about, stop playing dumb on me.”
“Ooh! I never thought you mentioned it! You finally made up your mind! You want to stop being a virgin! Let me tell you, it was about time, being a 90-year-old virgin is just not correct! So, you tell me how you want to deal with this, I can get you a…”
“Anthony!” Steve yelled, interrupting him again, he really didn’t want to know what the proposal was going to be. “Would you please stop changing the topic?! OK, I get it, I know you don’t want to talk about what happened the other day, and again, I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have gone inside without knocking or something, I assure you it won’t happen again. I just wanted to talk to you to tell you it’s OK. I already knew about that.”
Right there, Tony felt like his stomach got detached and dropped miles.
It turned out Captain America did know about his infantilism thing. He had known from the moment they both met. He had known before he became a popsicle. He knew. He knew because apparently his fucking father had been a frustrated writer and had decided to keep a diary when he started to not being able to talk to anybody because he mistrusted them. A diary where he wrote down every single detail of his condition, beside other things. And somehow, said diary had ended up in Steve’s hands.
That was the first time Tony had a panic attack in front of Steve. How could his father do such a thing? Why on earth did Howard keep a diary? Why on earth one of the things he wrote down had to be the fact that his son wanted to wear diapers and be babied? Why did Howard think it was a good idea to record every single thing he did in order to get his son to stop wanting that? Why on earth had Howard kept that diary among Steve’s belongings? Tony knew Captain America had been the only one who Howard had completely trusted until the end, but leaving him his diary, what had been the fucking purpose of that?! Leaving something to someone who was thought dead was nonsense! It was a fact that his father never believe Captain America was dead, but even so it was illogical! Captain America had been his childhood hero, for God’s sake! And finding out that he knew about his dirty little secret because of his father was just something Tony couldn’t bear.
But worse of all, if Steve had known about it already, he may have noticed all the slips Tony had had when he had forced himself to stay in his adult mindset for a long time. Steve may have seen Tony putting down his hand when he was about to suck his thumb unconsciously. When he got all jumpy due to the annoying vulnerability and insecurity that took control of him. Steve may have realized how the leaned more than necessary to any kind of touch. And what about the time Tony had fallen asleep due to exhaustion on a stool in his workshop and he had woken up with wet pants, Steve had gone down to see if he was interested in hanging out with the team for bonding. Tony had been pretty sure Steve hadn't really noticed the wet spot on his pants – they were black after all, and by the time Steve had shown up in his workshop, they had almost dried off – but now he wasn't that sure.
“Tony?... Hey, Tony?... Are you OK?... Tony, answer to me… JARVIS, what’s wrong with him? Should I call a doctor?” Steve asked when he saw him breathing faster than normal.
“That won’t be necessary, captain, Sir is having a panic attack, he just needs to breathe,” JARVIS informed.
“Tony… hey buddy… relax… come on, breathe buddy,” Steve said as he looked how the other man’s expression changed from worry to terror. “Tony, it’s all right, I swear it’s all right. I really don’t care about it. I’m totally OK with it, I promise. And I will never tell anyone about this if that’s what you’re worrying about, I promise… come on, calm down.”
It took Tony several more minutes to be able to control himself. To be honest, Steve’s reassurances didn’t help a lot, Tony did hear them, but he wasn’t really paying attention to them, he was more concentrated on the fact that Steve knew about his Little side, which meant everything would change from now on.
Tony would have to leave the Avengers who would surely make fun of him once they found out about this. He would have to kick them out eventually not being able to put up with the constant jokes – a shame really, because Tony had gotten used to living with them. The Board would somehow find out too and would make him quit his own company, not wanting to have a boss who was so fucked up. The news would be talking about this for months, making it impossible for him to ever leave the Tower again. Tony got the felling he was going too far with these speculations, but he didn’t feel like being rational right now, because Steve knew. He knew!
“There you go, keep it up,” Steve said when he saw Tony settling down, allowing himself to smile a little. “I mean it Tony, I’m Ok with his, I even would like to help,” he continued once he thought Tony was completely settled down. “Let me help you.” But that last sentence just unsettled him again.
“You want to help me? You want to help me?!! There’s no way I’m going to deal with fucking psychologists again! I already know this is so fucked up, I don’t need a bunch of strangers telling me how disgusting I am, how abnormal this is! So, you can take your help and shove it up your ass!! I don’t need it!” Tony snapped, shrugging Steve’s hand from his shoulder not gently.
“Jesus Tony, is that what Howard made you believe? That this was wrong?” Steve asked, disbelief in his voice. “We all have ways to cope with stress, some like exercising, some like listening to music, some like cooking or watching TV, some like buying stuff they don’t even need, and apparently these days, some like having sex. It really doesn’t matter what you like, what matters is how you feel. And well, if you like what you like, what’s wrong with that? There’s nothing wrong with that.”
“Unless you tell me you like to wear tutus when you’re alone in order to relax, I have no intention of talking about this any further,” Tony pointed out, causing Steve to chuckle a little.
“I guess me wearing tutus wouldn’t be a very nice picture, I draw a lot in my free time, though.”
“Of course you do! The prefect Captain America can’t have anything out of the ordinary!” Tony snorted, folding his arms over his chest.
“In my defense, I can’t make myself do anything else until I finish a drawing. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with an idea, and I need to draw it, otherwise I can’t go back to sleep.” Steve confessed, a hand scratching nervously the back of his neck, already knowing this wasn’t what Tony would like to hear.
“Not helping at all,” Tony murmured.
“But we’re not talking about me now.”
“Not talking about anyone or anything anymore,” Tony said as he tried to stand up, but Steve pulled him down.
“As I was saying, I don’t think what Howard made you believe was right. There’s nothing wrong with this. And I meant what I said, I do want to help you, Tony. I want to make you understand this is totally fine. I hope you let me help you.”
“I don’t want your help,” Tony hissed, trying to get rid of the grip once more. Steve groan loudly.
“I know this is difficult for you, so I won’t insist, at least for now. But I do mean it, I’m more than willing to help you, Tony. Whenever you’re ready, come and look for me.” After saying this, Steve stood up and left the room, not wanting to push the matter any further and make Tony more uncomfortable than he evidently already was.
- - - - -
Tony didn’t know what to think about his conversation with Steve. He wasn’t even sure he understood him correctly. Captain America wanted to help him? How? Tony couldn’t imagine how. And truth to be told, he didn’t want to know. Despite what Steve had said, there was no way now that Tony would let himself slip into his Little headspace anymore, not when he was aware that other person knew about it, he wouldn’t be comfortable. Not that he ever was, but somehow the feeling would be worse now.
It would be hard for Tony to get over the Captain-America-had-already-known-about-this-dirty-little-secret fact. His mind would be totally focus on that, preventing him from coming up with an excuse to get out of the second talk Steve will surely want to have with him. Tony had been told to go and look for him whenever he was ready – whatever that meant – and he obviously wouldn’t do it, so that would make Steve come and look for him instead, and Tony wanted to be ready for that. Still, he didn’t hide or tried to avoid Steve this time, that would have reduced the time it would take Steve to bring the topic up again, and Tony needed that time. Although that didn’t mean he was trying to spend time with Steve either. If there was no reason for them to be in the same room at the same time, Tony didn’t think twice about leaving. But if it was something that had to do with a total different matter, Tony manned up and dealt with it.
But Steve never intended to raise the subject again, Tony became aware of that later. His method was subtler. Nobody would have never noticed but Tony. And when he put two and two together, Tony had already been a lost cause, gotten too used to being paid attention to and cared for to be truly mad at Steve.
It started with very simple things. Steve paid more attention to Tony. Smiling every time they exchanged glances. Praising him for all the little improvements Tony made on their suits or weapons. Patting him on the shoulder or back whenever he could. Seeming truly interested in every aspect of his life, even if it was something related to his company or his creations, things Tony was sure Steve couldn’t really understand due to everything he had missed to learn for taking a very long nap.
Then, Steve began to do some other things. Things that made Tony feel uneasy, because, as much as he tried to denied it, he liked them. But it was sure as hell he didn’t want to like them. Being in charge of most of the cooking, Steve started to make cartoon-shaped pancakes, peanut butter sandwiches – his with the crusts cut off – milkshakes, cookies, cheeseburgers, nuggets; all kinds of foods a child would certainly love. It could be said that the others may have found it weird, but they were just glad to eat whatever Steve put in front of them, everything he cooked being too delicious to be declined.
On movie nights, Steve was usually the one who got to choose the film – after all, he was the one who needed to catch up. He started to pick movies which were increasingly less violent and not appropriate for all ages, eventually choosing animated ones. Clint complained at the beginning, arguing their lives were too chaotic to be able to really enjoy apple-pie and happily-ever-after-ending movies, but soon he got so engaged in the film that Coulson had to ask him not to sit down so close to the TV.
And what to say about bedtime? No matter what, Steve always managed to run into Tony whenever it was time to go to bed, a glass of warm milk always held in his hand. There was even a time when Steve went to his workshop almost at midnight, Tony had been a little bit upset when Steve had asked him to stop working because it was way passed bedtime. But Steve hadn’t left even if Tony had angrily ordered him to. Contrary to that, Steve had sat down on the couch in front of Tony and started to chitchat about something that turned into an unusual fairytale a while later. Tony wasn’t sure about this, though. When Steve began to tell him about HYDRA and dragons, he was already dozing off. Tony woke up on the couch the next day, a blanket wrapped around him, with no memories of how he had gotten there at all.
So, Steve kept doing all this little things and Tony kept lying to himself, playing oblivious and secretly enjoying them. It wasn’t until Steve placed a sippy cup in front of him, one day when they were alone during breakfast, that Tony lost it. As Steve turned around to approach the counter and fetch the other plates, he felt something hitting the back of his head, followed by the sensation of a liquid wetting his back.
“Tony!” Steve scolded when he saw that the thing that had hit him had been the sippy cup. “Why did you hurl that at me?”
“Don’t think that I don’t know what you’re doing!” Tony warned, fisting his hands that rested on the table.
“I know you know what I’m doing. I told you what I wanted to do,” Steve confirmed, confused. Tony’s jaw dropped almost comically.
“Well… Then… I… I don’t like it! So quit it already!” Tony stuttered, clearly shocked by the other man’s straightforward answer.
“You don’t like it?” Steve asked, even more confused now.
“No, I don’t! So stop it!”
“It doesn’t seem that way, Tony,” Steve suggested, causing a slightly blush on Tony’s cheeks.
“Well, your deduction skills seem to be getting a little bit rusted. If you don’t stop this bullshit once and for all, you will end up hit by a lot of more things. Considered yourself warned,” Tony threatened, folding his arms against his chest, almost pouting.
“Then you will have to be given time-out,” Steve shrugged, turning around again to take the plates from the counter. Being thrown things didn’t actually trouble him, it was just a matter of respect, really.
“For fuck’s sake Steve! I’m not a damn child! Get that into your head already! You shouldn’t treat me like this! I shouldn’t let you treat me like this! It’s wrong! I’m a fucking adult! I don’t need your fucking pancakes or milkshakes, I’m perfectly content with coffee and pizza! I don’t need your praising or approval! And I certainly don’t need you to tell me fucking fairytales! God, if you ever do that again, I’m going to fucking kick your ass!” Tony stormed, standing up and slamming his fists on the table.
“Language, Tony,” Steve scolded, setting the plates on the table.
"The fuck! Are you even listening to me?!" Tony accused as he threw his arms to the air in frustration.
"Yes, I am. I just don't agree," Steve answered, shrugging.
"Well, I don't fucking care if you agree or don't. Just stop this bullshit!” How could Steve get into his nerves like this? How could Steve be like this situation was the most normal thing in the world? Tony just didn’t get it.
"Why do you do this to yourself, Tony? Why do you try so hard to deny yourself what you want?" Steve questioned, moving closer to Tony.
"Because it's just not right!" Tony insisted, sitting down again and grabbing his head with his hands, an overwhelming sensation of frustration and anger taking over him.
"No. That was what Howard made you believe, but he was wrong. I already told you, there's nothing wrong with this. And I do want to help you,” Steve urged, placing a hand on Tony’s shoulder and squishing it as a sign of support, he didn’t like seeing Tony having this mental war.
"Why the hell would you want to help me?! Why the hell would you like to get involved in something like this?!" Tony rubbed his temples, a headache was starting to build up due to not being able to really understand the man in front of him.
"Because you deserve it," Steve felt a stinging sensation in his chest when he saw Tony's disbelief expression. He squatted in front of Tony, placing his hands on Tony’s arms, leaning a little to be right in front of Tony, forcing him to look directly at his eyes. "People may say a lot of bad things about you, you may think a lot of bad things about yourself, and I regret it now, but at the beginning I thought those bad things were truth. Now I'm completely sure they're not. You're such a great person Tony, behind that façade you insist to hide yourself, there's a man who's always more concerned about the others than his own self. You always try to give us whatever we need, want and desire, no matter how difficult, expensive or dumb it is. But when it's about getting what you need and want, you refrained yourself? That's just not fair."
And for a thousandth second, Steve was sure he had gotten into Tony. But the moment was so brief, so fleeting, he later doubted it even happened.
"You can take this stupid speech of yours and shove it up your ass Rogers. I don’t believe you. I haven't been able to figure out what exactly you'd get from all this, but I'm sure as hell you won't. If you keep this fucking charade, I'll fucking kick your ass," Tony snapped, glaring at Steve as he got rid of his grip violently.
"Tony..." Steve sighed, without being able to hide the hurt in his voice. "Do you really want me to stop?"
"That's what I've been fucking telling you all this time! It's obvious the serum didn't improve your understanding ability!" Tony exclaimed before pushing Steve away from him. Steve let it happen.
"OK Tony, if that's what you want, I will," Steve said as he left the room, leaving Tony with a nasty taste in his mouth.
- - - - -
There was no way Tony missed Steve. Tony certainly didn’t crave the guy’s attention and care. Tony surely didn’t feel a stinging sensation in his chest every time he looked at Steve and this one looked away. Tony definitely wasn’t jealous whenever the others got a meticulous cooked dish and he got something that was clearly made fast and half-heartedly. Tony undoubtedly didn’t have to fetch himself a glass of warm milk before going to bed, otherwise he wouldn’t able to get to sleep. He evidently didn’t sit down rigidly on movie nights because he got the feeling he was watching a movie that wasn’t appropriate for him. Tony absolutely didn’t look for Steve’s company and didn’t feel hurt when this one left the room when as soon as Tony walked in.
There was no way Tony thought he might have been mistaken. There was no way Tony wanted all those things back. That couldn’t be.
Despite his stubbornness, Tony had to admit that the captain was a freaking genius in his own way. Steve had given him everything he had always desired but never dared to get or ask for, and now he had taken everything away, leaving Tony with a sensation of emptiness. Truthfully, Tony had been the one who had asked Steve to stop doing what he was doing, but that wasn’t the point here. The point was that this whole situation was pushing Tony to the verge, he longed for Steve’s attention and care, and the absence of it was making his mind unstable, making it difficult to stay in his adult mindset.
However, Tony wasn’t going to give in. He had been dealing with this being-caught-between-two-headspaces thing for more than thirty years now, so this was nothing he couldn’t handle. Tony just had to do what he always did in these cases: bury himself in his workshop, drinking unhealthy quantities of alcohol and ignoring any comment JARVIS may say about it. That always worked. That helped him to distract his mind and force it not to think about the craving.
So that was what Tony had been doing for the last three weeks, and it was going smoothly so far. He focused on the improvements of his suits, alcohol made his mind numb, preventing him from thinking clearly and he was getting pretty good at turning a deaf ear to JARVIS’s recommendations. And the best of all, nobody dared to bother him when he was in his workshop, the only one who did was Steve, and, well, apparently Steve wanted to have nothing to do with Ton anymore. This guaranteed success to his plan.
And Tony was completely sure his plan would have worked until the end if some Gods above didn’t enjoy toying with him, because if there was something Tony hadn’t been able to control yet was that, whenever he had nightmares, his mind was pushed further into his Little headspace without being able to avoid it. And of course, the few times he had actually dragged himself out of the workshop to take a nap and rest for a while, his eyes had snapped open no long after he had closed them, all the images that floated in his mind while sleeping riddle with nightmares.
So now there he was, standing outside the elevator while trying to get rid of the trembling the nightmare and utterly exhaustion had caused, his hand hesitating whether to push a button or not. Tony was completely on the edge, all his energy drained due to excessive work, restless nights and starvation, but mostly, for forcing his Little side away. All Tony wanted to do was ride the elevator to Steve’s floor and let the man take care of him. But, at the same time, he wanted to go and hide in his workshop again, wait until this craving went away and feel proud for being able to control himself one more time. For making Steve lose.
It was a shame Tony was no longer sure who was losing here.
The doors of the elevator opened as Tony kept waging war on his own head, reveling Steve. Looking up at him, Tony mentally wished Steve wouldn’t go away, he was certain that having to chase for him would just make him lose his determination and walk back to the workshop.
“I…” Tony trailed off, glad because Steve didn’t look away, but looking down not being able to stand Steve’s eyes on him. “I… I w-want…” Tony hugged himself, stepping back a little, not knowing what to say.
Why the hell had he come up here in the first place? What had he been thinking about? What was he supposed to say now? “Hey cap, would you like to be my daddy?” That was so lame. So inappropriate. So sick. Damn nightmares and their ability to unsettled him, Tony would have still been safe in his workshop if it hadn’t been them.
“You want what Tony?” Steve asked when he saw Tony had no intention of finishing the sentence.
“I… no-nothing.” Tony stuttered, realizing how futile this was. He turned around and walked a few steps away, but Steve was faster and placed himself in front of Tony to stop him from leaving.
“Do you want to give it a try?” Steve proposed, being ambiguous on purpose. “Come on,” he encouraged, gently grabbing Tony’s arms and showing a warm smile when this one looked up at him.
Tony wanted to tell Steve to mind his own business and get away from him as fast as possible. He wanted to kick his ass for unsettling him like this, for making him want to do something like this, for giving him the hope of having something he had already come to terms with never being able to get. Tony wanted to beat Steve for sticking his nose in this matter, for finding a way to meddle in his life. But most of all, Tony wanted to throw his arms around him and ask him for comfort, he wanted to let Steve take care of him.
So, Tony shyly nodded.
- - - -
And now here he was, all his previous bravery vanished because his embarrassment had been bigger, sulking on the floor glaring at Steve who acted as if nothing had happened even if they had been there for more than two hours now. Didn’t his patience have a limit? Was that a side effect of the serum too?
“That’s it! I’m out of here! I have better things to do than sitting down and playing this stupid staring contest with you!” Tony exclaimed as he stood up, walking with determination toward the door. “Move!”
“I already told you the two ways you can leave this room,” Steve said calmly, not moving at all.
“But I don’t want to do either of them! You can’t force me to do anything!” Tony declared, stopping some meters away from the door, being too close to Steve could provide another opportunity to pin him again.
“I’m not forcing you.”
“Yes, you are! You’ve kept me locked in here and you won’t let me go until I do what you want me to do!” Tony accused, fisting his hands. He really wanted to punch Steve, the only thing that stopped him from doing it was that, well, it would hurt him more than it would hurt Steve.
“Because you had already agreed,” Steve couldn’t understand how Tony was able to change his mind so fast and easily. Had he done something wrong? Something that had scared him away?
“And I told you I took it back!” Tony found himself stamping the floor again. He was doing that more and more recently, and he certainly didn’t like it.
“Why?” Steve questioned again, as he wondered if Tony realized how childish he acted whenever he got mad.
“Oh my God, oh my God, I traveled through time without even realizing it!” Tony exclaimed, throwing his hands about in a sign of frustration. “I’m living the exact same moment from two fucking hours ago! JARVIS, did you register that? I hope you did because you must tell me later how it happened, this is breakthrough!” The A.I. didn’t even bother to answer to that, JARVIS had learned long ago to ignore his creator when he was being totally sarcastic.
“Why?” Steve repeated, sighing.
“I already answered to that. If you’re not clever enough to remember, it’s not my problem! Now, move!” Tony ordered once more.
“No, you didn’t answer, you just avoid the topic as you usually do.”
“Well, I don’t want to answer. That’s it. End of the discussion! Get the fuck out of the way!” Tony shouted, a vein popping out on his forehead, throbbing.
“Give me a good reason why you don’t want to answer. That’s all I’m asking Tony. Give me that and you will be able to go then,” Steve reasoned, trying remain calmed.
“FOR FUCK’S SAKE! JUST QUIT IT ALREADY!”
Unlike Steve’s patience, Tony’s was practically non-existent. When Tony saw the other man open his mouth in order to ask him the same exact question again, his anger clouded his judgment and silenced the internal voice that was telling him no to do what he did. Tony threw a punch at Steve’s face as hard as he could. Obviously Steve didn’t even flinch, while Tony let himself fall onto the floor, holding his wrist with the other hand, a grimace on his face.
“You broke my fingers, I think you broke my fingers!” Tony accused, seeing how his hand literally throbbed.
“You were the one who punch me!” Steve defended himself, a little bit shocked because of what just happened.
“You were supposed to move!” Tony told Steve, trying to glared at him, but failing immensely when a stabbing pain hit him one more time.
“And how was I supposed to know that?! Are you all right?!” Steve said, confusion in his voice, as he got out of his shock and stood up, approaching Tony.
“No, I’m not, you broke my fingers!”
“No, I didn’t!”
“Yes, you did!”
“No, I didn’t. JARVIS would have already warned us about it if I had done it. Here, let me see.” Steve took Tony’s hand into his hands and looked carefully at it. The knuckles had already started to swell up, but Steve couldn’t feel any broken bone when he tenderly touched the hand. “Some ice will have to do. Come on, let’s go to the kitchen.”
Not waiting for an answer, Steve stood up, pulling Tony up with him and leading him outside the room. Tony just let himself being pushed, too focused on the pain of his hand to be able to refute. It really hurt.
Once they were in the kitchen, Steve hurried to the refrigerator and took out as many ice cubes as he thought necessary and wrapped them with several napkins. He returned to were Tony was standing and sat down on the nearest chair, drawing Tony and pulling him down so he ended up sitting on his lap. Tony was so tired, sick, hungry and in pain that he didn’t even think about getting away. So he just sat down there, still holding his hurt hand with the other one, feeling a little ashamed about it. He had had far worse injuries during battle, so this should be nothing to him. But not having adrenaline running through his veins due to the rush of the battle just made the pain unbearable.
“Nothing is broken Tony, but you sure hurt your hand,” Steve informed as he placed the ice on Tony’s hand, making him flinch. “How on earth did you think hitting me was a good idea?” Steve asked as he wrap an arm around Tony’s waist.
“You wouldn’t let me go,” Tony murmured, unconsciously leaning to the touch.
“Because you were being unreasonably stubborn.”
“I wasn’t,” Tony denied, unaware he was pouting.
“Yes, you were. We were already a step from getting over with it, and you backed off for no reason at all. You would have left and you would have gotten very moody as you usually get whenever you start struggling against what you want,” Steve explained, pulling him closer and rubbing his tummy affectionately. “It would have gotten you more time, but eventually you would have ended up where we already were. I just wanted to save us some drama and get over it already.”
“I don’t want to do it.”
“Yes, you do.”
“I… I can’t.” Tony whispered. And it was truth. Tony had to admit that he could get a bit childish, but he had never completely slipped into his Little mindset in front of anybody. Never. And just the thought of doing it made him nauseous and uneasy. The feeling of being doing something incorrect took over him without being able to do something about it. Steve sighed deeply.
“I know it’s difficult kiddo, but you have to try it sometime. It’ll be easier sooner or later. I promise,” Steve guaranteed, still holding the ice with his free hand.
It didn’t take a lot of time for Tony to lean his head down on Steve’s shoulder, feeling sleepy as a result of the stress, his tiredness, hand numbness and Steve’s rocking –when had he started to do that? Tony couldn’t tell.
Steve would have liked to say that Tony fell asleep no longer after that, but he didn’t. Tony kept dozing on and off for almost an hour, stiffing several times when his eyes opened and his adult mindset was stronger, whimpering almost imperceptibly when his little mindset had won the battle and he could sense the pain coming from his hand. But thankfully, Tony didn’t try to get away. All Steve needed to do was to pull him closer again and to keep rocking him, humming a lullaby he didn’t even recognize. Tony had been craving for this his all life, he just needed a push in order to gather the enough courage to take it, and Steve was more than willing to give that push.
Eventually, to Steve’s relief, Tony went completely limp.
- - - -
His eyes opened slightly, unable to really see what laid in front of him because the darkness that shroud the room didn’t let him. Tony remembered neither when he had fallen asleep nor how he had gotten to bed, although the pain in his hand – which was more like a discomfort now – made the memories of the events from the afternoon stick to his mind. Steve must have taken him to bed. Tony still find it a little disconcerting how easily the captain could carry him like if he weighed nothing.
Honestly, Tony was glad he had ended up falling asleep, he wasn’t sure what Steve would have tried to do if he hadn’t. Perhaps, Steve would have kept trying to persuade him to do something he wasn’t comfortable with yet – even if he kind of wanted to be – so this had been the best ending scenario. Tony yawned deeply, feeling how his eyelids became heavier and heavier. Certainly, he would have to deal with Steve the next day – or in a few hours, he really didn’t know what time it was – but right now he was feeling to sleepy to force himself to do anything but going back to sleep.
Tony turned a little bit and reached a pillow that was next to him, hugging it and burying himself deeper into the fleecy blanket, which was incredibly comfortable – did he own a fleecy blanket? Right now he couldn’t remember. He moved a couple of times more in order to find the best position to let himself fall into unconsciousness again, and cursed when his foot hit one of the bars. Damn bars, why were they so close to him? When Tony woke up again, the first thing he’d do would be getting himself another bed, one whose bars weren’t that close to the edge and wouldn’t be on the way when he tried to move and stretch.
Wait a minute. His bed didn’t have bars. Beds didn’t have bars.
His eyes snapped open and his breathing stopped. This wasn’t his bed. This wasn’t any bed. This was the crib he had built no long ago. How the hell did he end up here? Nobody new about this room, about his nursery, the door was hidden somewhere in his closet. And even if somebody find it, JARVIS was the only one who could unlock it, and nobody but Tony was allowed to get inside. Oh, he was so going to disable the A.I.
Hastily, Tony uncovered himself, setting aside the blanket carelessly, staring at it with disdain. Then, he almost had a heart attack when he looked down and got a glimpse of himself: he was wearing a onesie and, of course, a diaper. Steve hadn’t even tried to cover up the fact he had been the one who dressed Tony like that, since the chosen onesie had been the blue one with the shield of Captain America printed in front of the cloth. Of course Tony had been the one who bought it in the first place – in his defense, he had bought one themed onesie of each of The Avengers, not just one of Captain America – but he had never worn it.
Steve was a dead man, he had gone too far. Tony was going to suit up and beat the hell out of him. Literally. He would break his shield into pieces and then he would punch him, kick him, shot him, and everything that was necessary to finish him.
But first, Tony needed to climb out that damn crib, which he was going to destroy too as soon as his feet were back on the ground. He stood up and staggered a little, the mattress was too soft to be able to stand still on it, so he held onto the side of the crib in order to maintain his balance. Once Tony could keep straight, his breathing stopped abruptly. The diaper had felt squishy when he tried to close his legs. No, this couldn’t be happening to him. With hesitation and dread, Tony took his hand down his diapered crotch and squeezed it. Yes, he had definitely made use of it.
Tony felt how the blood drained from his face as his breathing suddenly speeded up. He had already used the diaper, without even realizing it. This was far the first time he had had an accident, so he shouldn’t be freaking out like that, but the heart of the matter was that Steve will find out, and Tony was sure as hell Steve would try to change him, and that, that was something Tony wouldn’t allow under no circumstances. Thus, he couldn’t panic right now. Tony needed to climb out first, leave the room before Steve showed up and hide, he would have plenty of time to freak out later.
Trying to compose himself and overcome his panic, Tony breathed slowly as he gathered enough strength to lift his left leg and swing it over the side of the crib. Unfortunately, the sides were too high and the only thing Tony managed to do was lose his balance and fall flat on his bum. Cursing under his breath, he stood up again, keeping the balance easily this time. He would have to jump all at once, there was no other way. He definitely would hit himself too when he got out if this situation, why on earth had he built the sides too high? He took a jump just to figure how much strength he would need, hating how noisy the diaper sound every time he moved, not to mention how clumsy his movements were because of the damn thing too. Tony would get rid of it as soon as he was out of there, but first, jumping. He flexed both legs a little ready to leap, when the door opened, letting Steve inside the room.
“Hey, no Tony, no climbing out,” Steve warned as he approached him, scooping him up and balancing him out with ease.
“No! Let me go!” Tony demanded, but Steve had already walked toward the rocking chair and sat down on it, placing Tony on his lap before he could hold onto something to stop Steve. “Let me go, you asshole! How the hell did you find out this room? Why the hell did you this?! How dared you! Let me go this instant!” he kept demanding, trying to loosen Steve’s grip, but he wasn’t strong enough to achieve it.
“Shhh Tony, it’s OK, I promise we’ll talk tomorrow, but now, just go back to sleep, it’s midnight,” Steve said, rocking both of them back and forth.
“I don’t wan…”
“Shhh, it’s OK kiddo, just close your eyes again,” Steve interrupted him.
“Let me…!”
“Go back to sleep kiddo, it’s OK,” Steve interrupted him once more, pulling Tony closer.
Needless to say, Tony didn't either remain still or close his eyes. He struggled, cursed, punched, hit, kicked and even tried to bite Steve, but this one didn’t even flinch. On the contrary, every time Tony managed to release himself a little, Steve pulled him closer again, never loosening his grip or stopping rocking back and forth. Steve even started to cooing him by humming a lullaby. That just frustrated Tony more, writhing and stamping more, but nothing freed him from Steve’s hold.
Eventually, Tony got tired and let himself lay limp on Steve’s lap, there was no way he could release himself if Steve didn’t want him to. Maybe if he suited up, but giving the circumstances and the way things had been playing out lately, JARVIS would refuse to send him one of his suits without a doubt. Tony was starting to believe Steve was secretly a hacker or something, and he must have changed some of JARVIS’ programming, because if it wasn’t like that, that would mean JARVIS had paired up with Steve on its own accord, and that made Tony feel very troubled and uneasy.
The rocking started to make Tony sleepy again, and Steve’s heartbeats were making even harder to focus on staying awake – when the hell had he leaned his head on Steve’s chest? Bit by bit, Tony’s yearning to leave faded, and all vestige of anger completely vanished when he looked up and his eyes caught the sight of Steve: his head was leaning on the back of the rocker, his eyes closed, his Adam’s apple moving to the rhythm of the lullaby and his expression showed complete peace.
Maybe Steve was being honest. Maybe he did mean what he said. Maybe there was no hidden intention after all. Maybe he did want to help him just out of the goodness of his heart. But even if Tony believed and accepted that, he couldn’t help to wonder why. Why would Steve like to do this? Why would he get involved in something so twisted? Why Tony’s logic side told him to leave when he felt so safe and comfortable just where he was? Perhaps this would work out. Or perhaps this would end up very badly. But right in that moment, Tony couldn’t care less, because, apparently, Steve’s serenity was very contagious, and all he felt like doing was to relax, forget about everything and go back to sleep.
Allowing himself to suck on his thumb, Tony snuggled up to Steve and closed his eyes. Tomorrow he would deal with this whole situation. Tomorrow he would check JARVIS’ code. Tomorrow he would talk to Steve about minding his own business. Tomorrow he would hear that inner voice that told him how wrong this was. Yes, tomorrow he would face reality. Tomorrow, because right now Tony would let himself enjoy the moment.