Different Habit

Sometimes, when I think back to my childhood, I don’t imagine happiness, I see it as it was; pain forced to be love. “What?” He’s tall and bulky and his eyes are different shades of green in different lights. “I asked if you were okay.” I nodded, slight irritation on my skin, and not from my open wounds rubbing against the Inarizaki uniform. “Why?” He shrugged. “Thought I saw something on your wrist.” I don’t react, I just get up and leave, which may have told him enough.

It was easy to forget, though. We passed each other in the halls, we only had one class together the entire year- And no one ever spoke to me. Sure, it was lonely, but loneliness became freedom, love that wasn’t painful. And finally, I had been able to go two months without hurting my skin- The once smooth skin my mother loved.

The last time I truly saw him was once more at graduation, forced into a group photo with every third year. And then we moved on- or at least I did. In truth, Suna took to me carefully, he saw me as something, and that’s what he’s confessing now- “‘Tsumu, the blonde twin, came up to us with Sakusa, his boyfriend, and started screaming about you. Lucky enough, I knew you from our second year so I could easily tell who he was talking about.” I listen intently, finding sudden interest in my past. “I… Well, Atsumu started panicking, listing off things about you like it was a missing person’s case.” He chuckles a bit. “He had a savior complex from Daniel, I think. Anyway, after he had a panic attack about it, I kind of tried to find you, again.” It’s the alcohol, I tell myself, because I swear he’s the one who got a savior complex from Daniel. “I doubt you’ll remember it, but sometimes I’d be there with you at lunch- Near you, not really with you, but near you…” He sighs, and I think there’s blush on his cheeks.

“I was worried, in a sense… I kind of get what he saw in you.” I blink, brows furrowing. “What who saw in me?” Suna’s brows furrow slightly, the first obvious emotion he’s showing me. “Daniel… you know, the guy who had a crush on you?” My heart stops, everything stops and I try to imagine my Daniel. The way he acted around me was the same way he acted around everyone. “He actually confessed to you-” “Wait, Daniel… Liked me? Me?” It makes sense. It doesn’t.

Suna shows amusement, like feelings are funny. “This isn’t funny, Suna-” “Never said it was, but you know he confessed to you, right?” My brows furrow. “He never did-” “He did-” “-n’t.” He rolls his eyes at my childishness and now I understand why Suna was so popular- had good friends. 

Because he was good. He is good, and he liked to be alone with himself. He could be alone with himself and not crave others’ attention. He liked himself.

“L/n, he confessed at that restaurant. I know because we all went there for winter break celebration. Luckily, we respected him enough not to say anything, but he… he confessed.” I swallow, my mouth is too dry, and the alcohol doesn’t help. “But… he just said that he wanted to plan a future with me…” And then it clicks. 

Suna and some of his friends were in the booth behind us, behind me, as Daniel said dumb words that never reached me, “I’d like to spend my future with you, get an apartment together and stuff- We could even get a hairless cat! Didn’t you say you wanted one?” And all I did was shrug, not noticing his pained face. “Don’t really see the point. Can we get donuts now?” I didn’t see the point because I had attempted too many times to make my life worth anything. There was nothing worth anything then. And if I saw past that lie I would’ve known that I was worth living for. I am worth living for.

“What did he even see in me?” I don’t know I’ve said this, but Suna balks, looking at me as if I’m stupid. “You can’t be serious.” I look at him with an awkward smile, afraid of confrontation. “I’m sorry-” “You’re fucking perfect- I mean now you don’t let other people walk over you- you talk to people and help them with a sweet voice. Unlike the one Daniel had. You did this thing where you’d set your backpack in front of you and use that to hide what you were eating in case a friend of yours wanted to steal it. You used to- no, you still smile like you’re the center of the universe. And, honestly, I think you are when you do… when you don’t.” I blink, feeling embarrassment and commitment tickle my shoulders and cheeks. “But Suna, I was different then-” “Yes, but Y/n, the best part about you is you. No matter where you are, no matter how you feel, you draw people towards you. You make them happy, and you’re starting to make you happy. So, sure you’ve changed, but you’ve always had that certain pull.” I heard it, the plea in his voice. That name that my mother gave me, suddenly has meaning. And it all happened on a stupid date that wasn’t even ours. 

“Rin, glad you got to talking with your date.” He was my date, actually. We both seem shocked, but also some part of me knew, and I bet he also knew. “Well, we should get going now. It’s late.” She looks at Bethany like it’s the end of the world if they split up. And I don’t get that feeling- I haven’t gotten that feeling in such a long time. But it’s here, and it’s bigger than ever. I don’t want to leave Suna. “Goodbye, Rintarou.” “See you soon, Y/n.”

That soon comes sooner than I thought, a tiny smile on Bethany’s lips as she watches me sit down next to her. It’s laced with mischief, I realize, the moment I open my mouth to ask, “What’s got you smiling like that?” She exhales, folding her arms and leaning back in her chair. “Well, besides Lucy wanting to go on a second date-” “First name basis-” “You want to talk about that ‘Rintarou’” She blinks her eyes obnoxiously. “Last night?” I wave her off with my hand, feeling embarrassment course through me. I’m a romantic with the right person. “Well, ignoring that, boss liked your interview with Hinata- Said it got more views than Sarah. And that’s saying something.” I hum. Sarah was the perfect woman in everyone’s eyes. She was tall, slim had blue eyes, and blonde hair- and don’t get me started on her skin; glass-like, hairless, as white as snow, not a blemish or scar in sight. She was perfect. And brought in a lot of money. I think she was at Inarizaki once, but also, I’m glad I can’t remember her. “Shit- I thought that was a one-time thing. I want to stay in the position I’m at. No stress besides paperwork, good deskmate- and the best part; I don’t have to almost faint from talking with others.” 

She rolls her eyes, sitting up straight and typing something into her computer. “Listen, Y/n, you deserve good, and with good sometimes comes change…” She inhales. “And there’s a lot of good change- Like for me, Lucy -and having you as a roommate- but for you…” She leans in closer, tilting her screen in your view. “I’d say that a convenient convenience store near us is better than ever.” I hold my breath, reading the title about Suna Rintarou’s best block yet. “Beth-” “Just keep in mind, we’re changing. And this time, it’s a really good change.” I’m happy for her, I’m so fucking happy for her because this time- This time, neither of us will let go of each other. We won’t fall out of our friendship, unlike my past with others.

He’s beautiful, even with his brown hair slightly damp from the match just minutes ago, the roll to his eyes as he passes a blonde with a brown undercut or the way he scratches the back of his neck, tired, leaning down to sign a photo for a teenage girl. And then there was me, gawking at him like he was the most perfect person in the world. “L/n? You listening?” I hear someone sigh from beside me, and I’m brought back because Bethany can’t be with me this time, she has to interview Bokuto because they knew each other. 

Instead, there’s a tall, blue-eyed assistant. She sighs as the short cameraman adjusts the camera. She speaks again, directing her attention to me, “We need you to say Hello from Tokyo Cast, first and then begin the interview, okay?” I inhale before I nod. Only a few more seconds until I get to speak with Sunarin, the man that I like. The man that I never become something with in high school, but will always wonder what would’ve happened. What we could’ve been. I don’t know if he’d accept me, and that’s what’s hurting me the most. Please accept me, Rintarou.

“Here’s a towel. Anything else, Suna?” Her eyes are wide, a smile on her lips as she speaks with confidence. She likes him and doesn’t like me. Maybe it’s because he’s a celebrity and I look like me. But Suna likes me, and suddenly, that makes her opinions valueless. “No thank you,” he replies, and she nods with a hum. “Well, five minutes until.” She bows slightly and then turns to the cameraman who is sipping from his water. “No water around electronics,” she almost screams as she rushes five centimeters away like she knows something.

And then I’m back to him, back to being a kid with a dumb crush. Except this time, I have some type of confidence. This time, I’m alive and wanting to live for myself, realizing that there is more than the want to die. I have a future with living because I’m worth loving. “Nice outfit.” I’m wearing a tight black pencil skirt and matching jacket, a white blouse underneath. A microphone is in my hands, this time I’m not sweating because I’m anxious- I’m sweating because there are butterflies fluttering in my stomach. I’m sweating because he makes me nervous; the guy I like always makes me nervous and excited. 

“Thanks. I like your… outfit?” His outfit consists of his jersey, drenched in his sweat and clinging to his skin. But he has never looked better, yellow-green eyes bright, brown hair short with some strands sticking to his forehead, his hands smooth but slightly calloused, and his cheeks slightly flushed. I think it’s from the math he had a while ago, but a part of me hopes it’s from me. He’s perfect, nonetheless. He chuckles slightly. “Thank you, got all dressed up just for you.” I smile, and there’s something more I want to say, I want to say that he’s perfect; I want to say that he’s handsome and beautiful; that I’m not good for him; that I want to stay here in this moment and watch him talk. I want him. I want to confess that I want him.

“We’re live in 3… 2-” The assistant’s voice echoes in my head and all I can think about is him. Her hand slices through the air and I speak into the microphone, repeating what she wants me to, “Hello from Tokyo Cast! After MSBY and EJP’s match, with EJP stealing the victory last minute, we’re here to talk with the match saver Suna Rintarou. Suna, how did it feel competing with your old, school teammate, now rival, Miya Atsumu?” I smile at him, directing the microphone to his soft lips, and wait, wait for him to answer my question as my nerves eat away at me. But the problem is that he doesn’t answer my question, not yet. Instead, he’s asking- no telling me,“Call me Rin.” He’s saying this on television where everyone can see the way my eyes widen, and lips part as nothing comes to me. Suna Rintarou made me stutter on camera and made me lose focus at my job.

“I’m… sorry-” My whispers are swallowed by his voice. “Call me Rintarou,” he repeats with confidence, a clear mind. “It felt good getting rid of the stress he forced on me.” He looked at the camera, but his eyes immediately darted to me once he didn’t have to. I open my lips and all I can do is stutter because of this man that I like. “Um, okay, how does it feel being next to- compete with- win against a school rival, Hinata Shoyo?” He smiles and I think he’s enjoying this. This is the one time I want this interview to be over, and the last time that thought will ever cross my mind. 

“It felt good winning against a person who beat me before,” he speaks, smiling slightly before composing himself. “Y-yes, um,” I start, glancing at the assistant who wants to snap my neck off. “How will you celebrate your win, Rin?” I point the microphone back at him and then he smiles again, this time sweetly. “With the person I like.” Everything seems to freeze at that point, and I never wanted that interview to end. 

He smiles, watching me hug Bethany before she shoves me away. “Well, I have to go talk to your cousin.” Suna rolls his eyes playfully. “Oh knock it off. Be glad that I’m not sharing the details-” “But I want to hear-” “Y/n, don’t.” I giggle at Rin’s words, nodding. “Okay, have a good lunch you two.” She waves, and I can’t help but notice her clear nails. She’s relaxed. “Shall we go?” I blink before shaking my head. “Bathroom, and then we can leave.” He hums, and I wave before walking away.

I didn’t actually need to use the bathroom, but I did need to see one thing. A memory of my childhood self doing this under different circumstances hits me.

I’d peel my top and bottoms off, stare at my naked, different body in the bathroom mirror, in disgust. There was an urge for more, for a different different. That different different would be tinier, smooth, and perfect. I’d be perfect one day, just not the perfect I begged for. And I couldn’t accept that until I accepted that nothing needed to change. Then, I’d punish myself because they weren’t deep enough, and now, I want to stop myself from doing that. Today, I want that different different. I want that thin, acceptable body and mind- I want to be good enough for that brunette, and this thought I can shove aside, looking at my bare shoulder and arms. 

Some are not deep enough and others are too deep. There’s something wrong with my body in that sense. I want- need them there, but crave for them to vanish, just this once so I don’t have to look at the face of disgust, hesitance to even look at me. It’s under different circumstances that I love myself, and I hate that about myself. And this spiral won’t stop, instead, go further and further until-

I don’t pull myself out of it, not this time, but the door opens and shuts with a thud, and lock.

“...” “...” I open my mouth. “This is the boy’s or shared bathroom.” He nods. “I figured.” There’s silence, and then there isn’t. “What are you doing?” My black formal jacket is on the large counter filled with sinks. I’m staring at my arms and shoulders in the mirror, watching him walk closer. “Had an urge to look at myself.” He nods, a tiny quirk on his lips. “That all?” “...Yup.” There’s no silence. “Do you like looking at yourself?” I inhale, feeling an urge to look at my scars again. Does he think they’re deep enough? Does he find them ugly? Does he not like me because of this? Does he find me ugly? Could he not accept me? “Do you not want to look?” He blinks, surprised by my question before he smiles. “Your body is perfect to look at, like a painting, and I’d love to look at you.” You can’t meet his eyes, choosing to feel him walk closer. 

“Why-” “Because you’re beautiful.” My brows furrow and I shake my head. “Rin, what’s beautiful about my scars? About my body?” I find his eyes, and he’s closer, behind me. And suddenly I don’t want to be invisible, disintegrate. I want someone to see me, mark me, touch me, praise me, and Suna Rintarou is that man. “I think you’re more than your scars. You’re pretty with and without them and I wouldn’t want to date someone who wasn’t you.” It takes a moment, but then I digest his words. Date. He wants to date someone like me. No- 

He doesn’t want to date someone like me. He wants to date me.

“You want… to date me?” My mouth is wide, a smile as bright as the sun lighting the room. He watches my eyes before nodding, and I can’t help but turn around, looking at him in this locked bathroom tainted with our words. “Of course, I do.” You don’t know what overcame you, but it must’ve been joy, a joyous, content kiss.

No matter the reason, his lips connected automatically, like he’d kissed me before. All I know is that he tastes faintly of a tacky energy drink, that his lips swallow mine, and that his tongue is long, darting into my parted mouth to swallow every shocked reaction coming from me. While his tongue is exploring my mouth, mine trying to combat the intrusion, I feel his hands roam my body, large palms grazing every inch of unnecessary fabric on my body, gripping my hips, and forcing my lower back into the counter. I ignored it in favor of wrapping my arms around his neck, letting that fuzzy feeling spread through my lower body, his knee coming in between my thighs. He only gets so far until he has to pull away from my lips, both of ours bruised, grumbling about the tight skirt I was wearing. 

I’d never seen him so upset over something so minuscule, but I couldn’t laugh because I was in the same boat, wondering about stripping him naked and taking him fully; how he’d look, and how he’d treat me. It was like I was on cloud nine, quickly recovering when his eyes found mine, fingers hurriedly ripping my skirt zipper down before tugging it off and letting the fabric pool on the floor. I don’t register anything besides his eyes, not my panting, not my wet lips, and not my racing heart. I just gaze into his hues and realize that I’ve wanted him all along. “Rin-” And his body.

His hands come to find my hips, barely covered by my plain panties. It takes everything in me not to look away and watch the pleasure he brings me, but I stay, watching every reaction of his as he touches me. Rintarou guides me to his thigh, bending down slightly to feel my hitched breath on his lips, the way my arms tighten around him. It feels nice to know he wants me, even better to know he wants my pleasure, to please me, to show me the love I deserve but never acknowledged. The fabric from my panties and his shorts is a barrier, yet it still feels good, too good. This causes my head to dive into his neck, my lips dragging along his throat as I let the pleasure take over me. I let him guide me, let his thigh press against me, rub on my clit. 

The sensation is indescribable with his clothed chest pressed against mine, his chin resting on my head, his thigh flexing and hands helping me. It couldn’t be recreated with anyone else, that’s all I know. And that he’s talking to me, whispering things in my ear that make the heat ten times messier. “You gonna let me fuck you like the dirty slut you are?” I can only nod, mumbling my reply before he slows down and I realize how much power he has over me. “Rinta-” “Words, baby.” I pull back, looking into his eyes, and plead, “Please Rintarou, fuck me. Fuck me so much that I can’t walk out of here without your help.” 

He seems to like my answer, hands moving to my blouse buttons and hastily unbuttoning them. I don’t even think twice before taking it off with his help, ignoring the way the air tightens when my clothes are off. And I’m back to being the person with scars for only a little while more. Then he’s undressing, pulling his shirt above his head, and looking into my eyes. “You’re the most beautiful person in this world, Y/n.” And suddenly, I’m not the person who cut, I’m something worth looking at.

I slowly let my hands find his cheeks, looking into his eyes and saying, “Then show me.” He wasn’t expecting this but wasn’t discouraged, quickly turning me around and forcing me to arch further into the counter. “Rin-” “Shh, or else I'll put my shirt in your mouth.” I wouldn’t say no.

I can’t see everything from behind me, but I can see his concentration in the mirror, and I can feel the wetness he picks up with his fingers, a little shiver leaving me as they curl against my clit, draggign down. He smirks, and I can tell he’s enjoying this, using my essence to touch himself slihglty before lining himself up with me, the fat tip gliding against my warmth. It felt different, a good different, though there was the thought of his size in the back of my mind. I wasn’t naive, his chest and shoulders are broad, built up, and he’s over six feet, able to handle so much from practice. It’s intimidating to feel him, but elating nonetheless. 

He splits me open, I think, gripping the counter edge and bending my fingers into the surface. “R-Rin~” His name is perfect on my tongue, my head tossing back just from the tip. This is all just because of a tiny bit of him. He seems amused, his hand squeezing my hip in reassurance as the other continues to guide his dick inside of me. It’s so big and thick that my mind blanks, unable to think about my appearance, or the tiny cry I let out. Rin is quick to shut me up though, the hand once on his dick now on my mouth, queiting my whimpers. “I told you to stat quiet.” I hate him for repeating his words. Taking him was not easy, feeling every ridge breaking me with seemingly no end. It was pleasurable torture, but still torture. 

Especially with my mind rocking back and forth between needing more and wanting a break. Rin could tell, his hand meeting one of mine on the counter, effectively rocking more of himself inside. I don’t know how much more he has to give me, though I’m not giving up with his praise, “You’re doing so good, bunny. Just a little more, promise.” It was not just a little more, there was so much and every time I took a breath from behind his hand, he shoved more and more until he was flush against me, my body taking the needed rest. However, it didn’t last long. “R-Rin, please~” I was needy and so was Rintarou, hand going back to my hips to steady me, or maybe himself before he felt ready and pulled back. His eyes didn’t meet mine in the mirror, instead, they focused on where we met, and if I could look, I would admire it too. 

I could only imagine how he looked inside of me from behind, the way I stretched to accommodate his size. I wanted to know how he felt, if he felt this good. He seemed to hear my thoughts, his dick slowly edging out before sliding in again when he speaks, “S-so good, Y/n.” I would say the same thing if he didn’t take his hand off of my mouth, deciding to anchor down on my hips and use them, use me for my own pleasure, for his. He slid out just like before, slight resistance because it already felt good and I didn’t want that to change, yet the feeling of him sharply plummeting into me was better. It happened again, yet he sped up and continued to speed up until he found another goal and started angling my hips up. “Bend forward, bunny.” I do as he says, my heart thumping against my chest as the feeling of him being so commanding and dedicated took over. 

And I’m glad I did, his mushroom tip hitting my g-spot perfectly. It felt like sparks flew into my blood stream, my eye sight leaving me for a seond. His chuckle brought me back, hips smackign against mine as he was pleased with his actions. “Rin- Rin, holy fuck.” My voice became louder, but neither of us chose to acknowledge it, instead, using it to further cocntaminante the bathroom where people would be. “So- So good,” I finally got out, feeling his body lean over mine, his dick suddenly bigger than before. Rin must know I’m getting tired, fucked out form his massive size. 

He’s lenient with me, but still, he’s keeping the promise, showing me how pretty I am, making my legs shake and fingers clamp around the counter. “R-Rin, please~” I don’t know what I’m begging for, but I know that he’ll give me it because he knows me. And I’m not wrong, feeling his dick barely leave my special spot before returning, a hand suddenly touching my front, experienced fingers trailing down my stomach just to meet my clit. He circles my nub with just enough pressure, enough pleasure shooting through my veins as he rests his head on my shoulder.

It takes me a moment to notice his hesitance, but I am not the person who hurt themself in this room, instead, I’m the person who got something she never thought possible, and my mind is not taking that away from me. I somehow grip his wrist, eyes meeting his in a silent plea as that single action causes my eyes to roll back, my body exploding in heat as he fucks up into me and covers my insides with white.

“I’m sorry?” I’m eighteen, looking at this weird man who I was forced to take a graduation photo with hours ago. “I’m Sunarin, We were in the same class.” I nod, eyes darting around the convenience store to find where my mom went. Either looking for the flour we needed or finding some dumb food to give me before I part off within a week because of course, I start college early. “Nice to meet you Sunarin. I’m Y/n.” He nods, holding out his hand. “Hm?” I think he finds my confusion amusing. “I wanted to say that you made a nice sunflower.” My brows furrow and I hesitantly reach forward, waiting for this all to be fake, the cameras to flash. “Thanks… Whatever your flower was I bet it was good.” He nods, looking over my shoulder, and slowly letting go of my hand. And I thought this was when the cameras would come out. A joke, that’s what I still thought even if cuts were fewer. “Listen, there's a party later… If you want to come.” If I paid more attention I’d see that he wanted me there. But “Y/n!” My future awaited me. “Thanks for the offer, Sunarin, but I have to go… Nice to meet you.” He blinks and speaks, “Same, Y/n, hope to meet you later.” I doubted it. 

Though sitting at a different convenience store years later, I know he’s a fortune teller. And sure, I didn’t have the best childhood and forgot some things that happened when I was a teen, but I’ll never forget my now with him instead of with blades. I definitely should’ve lived longer, and will. I just hope that my younger self has some closure now, with ice cream on my cheeks and somehow more on his. “Y/n, did you fuck Suna in the bathroom?!” Yeah, something good came out of me living past my expiration date. “Lucy, how did you-”