different old times
Bethany made amazing pancakes, fluffy and thick with rich maple syrup she got half off. “Okay?” She nods. “Yup, I said okay, and then left.” I raised a brow. “But… Is that all?” She rolls her eyes. “You’re so eager for more, N/n. I didn’t really need to argue with him when I already had the manga,” Bethany replies, shoving her plate on top of my empty one before standing. “Anyway, thank you for the wallet. How about you start some popcorn and I’ll pick the movie this time.” I nod, standing from the dining room chair and taking the plates to the sink, Bethany leaving to the living room. Our shared apartment was tight but reeked of homely mannerisms. There was some paint and scratches edged into the table and the chairs we owned were different in every way. It was a home. It was mine, finally.
Blinking my eyes open, I hear muffled voices echoing from the bright tv screen to my side. I sigh, leaning forward and taking the remote from my roommate’s limp hands. I don’t know how long I watched tv with her, or what time it was, but I felt warm and cozy, taking my phone from the floor and scrolling on some platform.
It’s been Bethany and I for some years now. The last thing I can recall is graduating from Inarizaki, getting into a college, and craving freedom from my mother. Luckily, Bethany’s roommate had to move and the money I had saved up from working tiring jobs, finally paid off. She accepted me with open arms, and after getting her everlasting words of promise, she never kicked me out. Even two months in, when the clothes on my body didn’t cover enough skin. She didn’t kick me out. We sat on the couch, she let me cry in her arms for hours, and once it was all done, she took me shopping. I got some clothes to match her rainbow collection and wore sleeveless shirts. No matter the looks I got when scars peeked through clothing, Bethany was always by my side. I’m twenty-four now, and I work with Bethany at a news company.
And ever since that day, it seems that she’s helped me so much, but I have yet to return the favor. I know every detail about her, but looking away for one moment, it seems like she’s more of a friend to me than I am to her. It hurts to know that I can do more, but am not capable. It hurts to know that when she sees me, she’s happy, but she’d be happier with someone else. I want to be someone else. This feeling hasn’t come up a lot, though it has been a while since I dumped my silver collection. This is just a bump in the road.
I wash my face with cold water in the morning and brush my teeth gently, focusing on the deeper yellow at the tops of my teeth. I’ve always found comfort in brushing them. I can decide how long I crush, how hard, how soft, how much toothpaste, and what flavor of white I want. Today, I chose a white paste from a tiny bottle. It was an extra we had from the dentist visits. I should’ve picked some up at the niche corner store, but I was too focused on people to pay attention to the lack I had in the morning. “Okay, I made sandwiches- That okay?” I nod, maneuvering around my roommate and spitting the foam down the sink drain. She sealed them up in a brown bag. One that we’d share. I felt so loved when she did that, I felt like there was something normal about being alive with these disgusting scars on my shoulders- and thighs and arms- Everywhere. “Yeah, but can we start a list again.” She hums. On Mondays, she wakes up too early, on Tuesdays, she wakes up too late. She’s never gotten rid of this pattern, and I never knew why until she told me about her burnout.
“Yeah, I need some hair care- Should we go to the cheap store after work?” She’s already packed her bag, shoving the lunch into there. I nod, walking away from the kitchen to the bathroom again. I rinse my brush and pour some mouthwash into a tiny cup. “Yeah, they have the good toothpaste anyway,” I reply, tossing my head back and gargling the blue liquid. She chuckles, coming into the bathroom and grabbing her makeup bag. “You and toothpaste are going to get married.” I smile at her through the mirror, catching her brown eyes before they run away. “Alright- Ten minutes!”
She’s shoving buttered toast with jelly into my hand, then patting my back as she gives me a thumbs up. “You’re doing good.” I’ve never been one for words of affirmation. I think I was, I used to be really good at speaking when I was a certain age, but after my father left, I don’t think anything good came after. And now, after leaving my family behind. Something good is starting to come again. We’re on the train, some posted ads on the top side while we share newsletters and gossip over text. She sent me something hilarious, but I can’t focus on it. “Hey, Beth?” She hums, slowly turning her head before eyes in my direction, looking into my eyes like I’m a person. “Do you know who that is?” Her brows furrow and then she nods. The newsletter on my phone gave me pressure in my chest, bile rising in my throat just at the thought. I’d have to speak to someone.
“Yeah. He’s a middle blocker- You think of people too highly, N/n. It’s just an interview.” She’s trying to distract me, but I can’t be torn away from the thought that I’d interview someone so familiar. “Suna…”
“Who?” I blink, turning my head in the direction of the ravenette. “Inarizaki’s captain?” My face scrunches in confusion. I’m sweaty because I’m embarrassed. “Sorry, doesn’t ring a bell.” She rolls her eyes. “Daniel’s friend.” She motions to the group of boys. “I hear he’s dating the ace- A sign you should start getting out there.” I didn’t have too many friends in high school. I’m glad. “Oh… I don’t know. I think I should be a kid still? Um, we have school, and balancing friends and work is enough.” She rolls her eyes. I don’t know why, but she never got when I said things like that. She pats down her skirt as she stands. “Y/n, you need to get out there. I get that you want to wait and stuff but… Daniel and I can’t be your only friends. What about college? He’s graduating soon- and I’m not going after our last year…” She sighed, leaning down and grabbing her bag. “Just think about it… I hear their middle blocker is open- Better pick for you…” I think she looks at the sleeve on my wrist. How obvious am I?
“I think the clip suits you.” I touch his hair. It’s a deep brown, almost black from angles. His skin is a tawny brown, dull but bright as his silver eyes find mine. “Yeah… My little sister has adequate taste.” I smile, rolling my eyes. “Blue is your color.” I shift from my knees to my butt, leaning my back on the wall. Synthy, the ravenette I was talking to before, had makeup work to finish during lunch and Daniel just so happened to have a hair problem. “Hey, Dani?” He hums, scooting over to me. I hesitantly lay my head on his shoulder, nudging into his warm aura as I speak, “Do you think I should date someone?” He blinks, and I don’t know what emotion he shows as he replies, “Do you…” I think he wanted to ask me something else. “Want to?” I shrug. “I don’t see anyone who wants to date me. I have scars and…” I can’t stop thinking about all that Daniel has done for me. “C’mon, you’re pretty N/n.” He chuckles, moving his arm behind my shoulder and engulfing me in a side hug. I hate touch, but for him- from him, it’s so different.
“I would date you if you let me,” he teases and I slap his chest. “Dani, don’t say that… I was just thinking. Synthy said I should, but my life is already stressful enough.” He blinks, and I feel his eyes lashes. “I think that’s a good idea.” I nod and don’t tell him that she thought Suna would be a match for me. “Well, I should go,” I announce, and he hums, not letting go and I don’t move.