Chapter 2
“I went in there unarmed against a man with a gun…And not for a minute did I think about Betsy…” Lisa cries, with tears streaming down her face.
She’s been looking directly at Carla, and so had seen her girlfriend shift uncomfortably when she mentioned she’d gone in unarmed. She could see the visceral response against those actions. Yet, didn’t seem to have the corresponding aversion within herself.
For so long, her daughter has protested against her chosen profession, begged her to leave police work behind. Asked her to stop putting herself in danger. For equally as long, Lisa has rebuked the request. She’s seen it as immature, lacking critical understanding. Illogical.
But today, for what feels like the first time, she kind of sees it from Betsy’s perspective. She’s known that Betsy fears for her. Betsy worries about a future with no mothers at all. Betsy, no longer part of the two (or three) of us against the world. Betsy alone. She knows that she has those fears, has always thought that they were unavoidable, just part of life.
That does a disservice to the truth though. She does let the job take over her mind sometimes. She does make illogical decisions. As much as she may not want to change career paths, she does see the truth enmeshed in Betsy’s words. Lisa picked going into that house. No one forced her hand, she wasn’t abducted by Rob again, she made a choice.
It hadn’t felt like much of one really, given the alternative of standing outside and letting the woman she loves face the gun herself. Yet, it was still a choice. She couldn’t ignore that. She’s pretty overwhelmed with guilt that she wouldn’t change that particular choice. Because…Carla.
Carla wraps her arms around Lisa, nudges her head softly onto her shoulder, trying to take some of the burden away. She can see the strain and stress in Lisa’s eyes, watches it sit, weighing on her shoulders. Wants to shed it onto her own, until Lisa is able to handle it better herself.
“Hey. Listen to me, it was a stressful, emergency situation Lisa. You made the best choice you could in the moment. Of course, now that everything is calm, and everything’s happened, you can see other options. But you didn’t know then.”
“…Yeah but I’m her mum Carla, her only mum left. And I already know that she worries, that she’s scared of losing me, and I…I just didn’t even consider it. Didn’t give it a passing thought. My only thought was of the best way to get in there and get you out safe.”
Her tears flow down her face freely. She’s coming undone and she has no idea what to do with herself anymore. Carla squeezes her even tighter; she can see Lisa is adrift and she wants to be her tether to ground.
“I think you’re being way too hard on yourself Lisa. There’s some missing context. We both know you wouldn’t have run into any house with just any armed assailant. I know, because just last week, you followed protocol to the letter when it came to Mandy. The truth is that part of why you went in to that house was because I was in there. And while we can talk about you making other choices in the future, that has to be part of how we analyse the past.”
Lisa sighs. “I’m not sure that matters really. How does it make it any better? Any way I slice it, I put my life in danger without considering my daughter. Even if it was to save you…”
“She does matter. She did matter. You were put in what felt like an impossible situation, with no real time to think things through except to act. If Betsy had been in that house, you’d have been right in there too. There’s no doubt in my mind, whatsoever, it’s who you are.”
“I know but that’s just it, I just acted, I didn’t think.”
“I know sweetheart. Look. There are lessons for us to take from this, to move forward. Betsy isn’t the only one worried about you, is she? I want you safe too. I want you to walk through that door every night for tea. I want the three of us to be able to relax on the sofa at the end of a long week together.” Carla cuts herself off. She’s already told Lisa today she doesn’t want to push being in a specific role with her, she doesn’t want to immediately change that. She just can’t seem to help herself from making all of these future commitment proclamations, not after yesterday. Doesn’t really want to, if she’s honest.
She shifts her body so she can make eye contact because this next part is critical to get into Lisa’s head. ”Maybe… we can talk through less impulsive decisions in the future. Because we both love you. So much. And just want you to stay in our lives.”
Lisa covers her hand with her face and gives in to the sobs wracking her body. She feels like she keeps letting everyone down. She’s constantly trying to do what’s best for the people she loves and somehow, all of her choices lately have done the opposite. She isn’t a protector. She definitely isn’t a good mother. She hasn’t been a good partner. She’s just been someone destroying everyone around her. And yet…here’s Carla still here, still choosing to be with her. It’s very overwhelming.
Carla can see Lisa bending into herself. She can see Lisa’s body language, curling her body inward. Carla doesn’t want that. She wants to pull her into her arms, she wants to force Lisa to take solace there, but she’s trying to give her the space she needs too. She’s trying to balance her needs with whatever Lisa needs. She knows with certainty that the most damage that can be done is when Lisa runs or withdraws, even if it’s what she does to protect herself. She places her hand soothingly on Lisa’s back, to rub away the tension.
She is pretty sure after last night, and their reunion this morning, that Lisa will not physically leave. Although, if she’s honest, when she couldn’t reach Lisa earlier, she had wondered…had started to feel a small shred of slithering, worrying dread dip into her. Even though she knew that in times of emotional trouble Lisa did not answer her phone, (she would stew and think or sometimes turn if off entirely), she couldn’t stop that little worry about what if.
She’d felt relieved to find Lisa sat on the sofa, comforted by the fact that she had brought herself back home. After everything they’d been through, Lisa came home to her. That meant everything.
“I’m sorry.” Lisa finally says after the sobs subside.
“You have nothing to apologise about, sweetheart. If you’re hurting, then so am I.” Carla says, and she means it, truly. She’s watched the pain etched into Lisa these past few days, and she’s seen the way that it’s impacted her, in every choice she’s made, and everything she does, and it hurts Carla to see it. Physically aches within her to know she can’t seem to take it away, or make it better.
Lisa nods, and then realises there is one thing she wants clear though. “I wouldn’t change it, you know? I mean I keep going back to the moment with the gun, and I would change everything about how I handled that. But if you put me back in that ginnel one thousand times, I would go in that house one thousand of them, because I wouldn’t have left you in there. I don’t want you to think I regret that. I don’t. I can’t.”
“It would be okay if you did.”
“Well, I don’t. I couldn’t go through that again.” Lisa says plainly. She doesn’t specify what, and with the way Carla’s looking at her, she doesn’t have to.
“We made it. We’re here. Rob’s in prison…or soon-to-be if he is still in the hospital…I actually don’t know where he is, and it doesn’t even matter anymore. Rob is my family by blood. I can’t change that. And I didn’t want him dead but I don’t want him infecting my future. We got through this, and he won’t hurt us anymore. We have each other, he can’t break that.”
Lisa hears Carla’s words and knows that she means them. She knows that Carla will support her and take care of her if she lets her. She’s just still struggling to fully accept that she needs any help at all. She doesn’t know how to be someone who relies on others…she never has been. She has always struggled accepting any sort of help or comfort from others. And as much as she’d meant what she said to Carla—she needs her—she knows it to be true, it still scares her, the extent of that need.
She also knows that she needs to tell Carla about having gone to see Rob, especially now that Carla has brought him up. “Listen…there’s something I need to tell you.”
She wipes at her face, trying to get a hold of herself. She wants to tell Carla the full truth but she’s a little worried about what might happen when she does. But Carla deserves the truth.
”I went to see Rob.”
“What? When?”
“Yesterday. I was so angry, so livid that he had caused all this heartache, that his actions directly led to Betsy being shot. I…wanted to lash out and I knew he was in the hospital.”
“What happened?”
“Well. At first, I just wanted to…rub his nose in the fact he was going back to prison. It just didn’t feel right that he was…going to be fine and Betsy was hurt. So, I just wanted him to suffer a little. Hold him accountable for what had happened. I gloated a little about you getting his kidney.”
“Okay…” Carla says, her voice trailing off. She isn’t exactly sure why Lisa seems so nervous, and it’s making her anxious. She wants her to just get to the point, whatever it is.
“I…blamed him for Betsy. He blamed me. He tried to goad me into physically confronting him…or attacking him. I didn’t. I wanted to, I really wanted to.”
“Well, I don’t blame you for that, part of me still wants to.”
“I told him I was going to send his love to you…and then he…” Lisa starts looking around, unable to make eye contact with Carla any further.
“He what?”
“He said…he said some untrue, horrible things about you.”
“Like?”
“Like that you hurt everyone around you. It doesn’t matter what he said, it was rubbish.”
“Well, it doesn’t seem like it’s nothing, you can’t even look at me. Just tell me.”
“He got in my head. He put this awful, venomous thinking in my brain...That you were the casue of everything…and, it’s why I lashed out when I did. I’m so sorry. I regret going to see him. Well partially. I don’t regret gloating. I do regret letting him get to me. I just want you to know…I don’t think a word of what he said is true, and if I’d had a clear head, I would have told him off then and there. I’m sorry.”
Carla listens as Lisa tells her the full truth. She isn’t surprised Rob took yet another swipe at her. She wishes she was. Her brother had shown who he was countless times. She just couldn’t help but still love him. But that didn’t mean she needed or even wanted him in her life.
She considers the impact Rob had on Lisa. She wishes he hadn’t been able to get through to her. But only because she can see how much it upsets Lisa that it happened. “Hey. It’s okay. Rob has a way of winding everyone up.”
“It’s not okay. I shouldn’t have listened or let him get to me.”
“Lisa, you hadn’t slept. Your daughter was just shot. You’d been held hostage at gunpoint. Maybe we can give you a pass, ey?”
“How can you always forgive me so easily?”
“Because I know you would never do anything to hurt me on purpose.”
“But I did hurt you.”
“Yes, but you hurt you too. It was a rough night for us both. I hardly slept too, worrying about you, wondering where you were. But I knew you’d come back. Your words said one thing Lisa, but your actions since I’ve known you said the exact opposite. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen today, or what you’d need. But I always knew you’d come back.”
Lisa takes a deep breath. Carla’s willingness to forgive and her level of understanding always surprises her. She hadn’t considered that it would be that simple for Carla.
“Are you sure, you’re not just…a little bit upset with me?”
“No. Lisa, I’m not. Not in the least. I don’t want to waste any more time on Rob. He doesn’t deserve it. You’re my focus now. And we’re going to move on, and put this all behind us, and focus on getting Betsy healthy. It’s been three months into this year, and there’s not been a moment of it yet where we didn’t have someone’s health to worry about. I want to get us back to just enjoying our time together. No crises around every corner. Or at least less of them.”
Lisa nods her head, letting Carla’s words sink in. She’d already felt like she’d lost so much of her footing today.
She’s acknowledged that she needs her partner, and now Carla’s forgiven her. It’s a wonderfully terrifying gift that Carla has given her, the gift of a future, the promise of not having to do anything alone, and the safety of the ability to make mistakes, and be met with forgiveness.
Carla’s love has transformed her life. She’s grateful. She’s still a little terrified. She knows exactly what it feels like to lose a love like this.
If that were the only thing going on, she could deal with it. Because it was a wonderful change, even if it was unsettling. The gift of a future, of a glimpse at being all someone else wants? It’s never been something she thought she’d have again. Lisa had someone promise themselves to her forever. She did the same. And to receive that same gift again…wondrous. It was wondrous.
Carla Connor wanted to be with Lisa Swain. She wanted to be a united front with Lisa. Lisa Swain somehow was ‘it’ for Carla Connor. A priceless gift indeed.
Unfortunately, that change in her life is not the only one Lisa’s dealing with. In fact, that aspect of her life feels the most settled.
It just feels like she’s facing a total existential crisis in every other direction.
She’s defined herself for as long as she can remember as DS Lisa Swain, a fiery, take-no-prisoners kind of copper, who protects others, and pursues justice. It’s so much a part of who she is and everything that she does. Lisa is a protector. She is a defender of the defenseless. She can’t imagine giving that up. She’s scared that for her to repair her relationship with Betsy, it’s what she would require.
She has also defined herself as Betsy’s protector. Every conscious choice she has made, she’s been trying to ensure the best possible life for her daughter. And yet, it turned out that her subconscious choices didn’t reflect that. Betsy didn’t even want to speak to her, look at her, be around her.
Betsy’s seventeen now. She’s so close to leaving as it is, what if they never recover? She considers the loss of her daughter in a completely different way. What if she pushed her to a point of no return?
She sighs heavily. Who is she, if not DS Lisa Swain, and Betsy’s shield? She needs space to figure it out. She isn’t ready to lay all this on Carla, not after the day they’ve had, she wants it to be sweet, loving, caring. It’s already been such a heavy day, following the heaviest day yesterday (through her own doing).
“I think I’ll take a shower.” Lisa says then. At least there, she can buy herself some time. Put herself back together, and get her head on right. Carla deserves that from her. She wants an easy, gentle night for them, so they can reconnect and re-establish their love for one another in whispered kisses and soft touches.
“Why don’t you let me run you a bath then? I could light some candles, help you relax?” Carla suggests. She wants to support Lisa in the exact same way she’s felt supported for the last little while because everything Lisa had done made her feel valued.
“Uh, no ta. I think I’d prefer a shower.” Lisa responds. She knows Carla is trying to comfort her, make her feel better, and she knows that there is a world where that bath would be romantic, and wonderful. They’ll get there. It’s just for tonight, for now, she craves time alone, to reflect and figure all this out. She knows Carla would want her to share whatever was on her mind, but she just needs a little bit of time to figure it all out.
“Suit yourself.” Carla responds gently. She isn’t going to push, and she’s not upset. She genuinely wants Lisa to do whatever she likes or might make her happy. She’s just grateful Lisa is home at all. She watches as Lisa pulls herself off the sofa, making her way into the bedroom. Reflects in her mind that there is more than one way to run away. Reflects further, that there is even more ways to support. She reaches for her phone, a plan in mind.
The water of the shower’s been running a long while before Carla realises Lisa hasn’t come out. She wants to give her space, but she’s worried about her. How long is too long to leave your partner to reflect after they’ve shot their daughter?
There’s no manual for this situation. She has to trust that Lisa will tell her.
She pokes her head into the bathroom. The steam in the room is overwhelming. Lisa must be scalding herself.
“Hey, are you alright?” She asks.
There’s no response.
“Lisa?” She says a little louder. Still nothing.
She peaks in to the shower. Lisa’s sitting on the floor with her knees up and her wrists locked around them. She’s got her head down and is just letting the water pelt her back and neck. She looks so small and helpless, and even though Carla knows she isn’t, it still feels like in this moment, she is.
“Hey, sweetheart.” Carla says, and Lisa finally looks up. Her eyes are red, the effort to even make eye contact even appearing too difficult.
“Are you done in here?” Carla asks worriedly.
Lisa shakes her head.
“Have you managed your hair yet?”
Another shake of the head no.
Carla considers her options. She can leave the room, and let Lisa deal with these demons alone. She can give Lisa space to come to her. She’s tried that in the past, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. She can stay, see if Lisa invites her in. Or.
She makes her decision with ease and simply starts removing her own clothing. Lisa needs her, and she knows she doesn’t want to admit it really. It’s one thing to say it out loud, which she knows was hard enough, but quite another for Lisa to openly display it.
She strips down to nothing, and adjusts the temperature of the water down just a little, and steps in.
She crouches down to make eye contact with Lisa, who is now looking up at her.
“Come on love, let’s get you sorted.” She says and she helps Lisa to her feet.
Carla only has a moment to consider the parallel experiences they’ve had in this shower as Lisa puts her hand in hers. She remembers how she’d felt just last night, surrounded by only the memories of Lisa. Thinks back to the fun, flirty showers they’d had at the beginning of the relationships. Considers the few times she’s been pressed up against the wall with Lisa pressed inside her body.
All of these wonderful intimate moments they’ve had. Yet, nothing will ever rival this moment, she thinks. This moment of passive surrender from Lisa, who does not appear to be running anymore. Not literally, not figuratively.
Her partner has returned, broken and battered after battle, and is now seemingly letting Carla put her back together. She kisses her lightly on the temple, trying to convey everything with her lips. That she’s here, that she’ll be here, that Lisa isn’t alone. Then she gets to work on setting Lisa to rights.
Carla starts with Lisa’s hair. She loves having her hands in it, dragging her nails around it. She softly caresses her scalp. Soothing the ache within Lisa’s body with each motion. Because she knows after all of these tears, Lisa must have a roaring headache and feel so depleted.
She finishes with Lisa’s hair reluctantly. Not wanting to remove her hands from it. Loving every second of having her hands wrapped in it, rinsing it, stroking. She never really considered how much she would love touching a woman’s hair like she does with Lisa. But she revels in it.
She turns to washing Lisa instead, lathering up her hands. Gently stroking them across her body. It’s kind of funny how every other time she’s done anything like this, there’s been a heady sexual undercurrent that was a promise to leading somewhere. But not here, not today.
And she doesn’t even want that, not really. Sure, she wants to reconnect with Lisa sexually, she wants to feel her body against hers. But this moment right here is worth more than even that. Because Lisa has always been willing to surrender her body to Carla, and succumb to their passion. That’s never ever been an issue. But letting Carla care for her, like this? It’s new. It’s deeper, it’s more meaningful. It’s a side of them she’s desperate to explore.
She knows in her heart that Lisa admitting she needs anyone at all would have been difficult for her. She knows that Lisa’s struggled with handling things on her own for a long time. So, Lisa admitting that she needed someone, and not just anyone, but Carla herself? It means everything. She wants Lisa to know that she knows. She leans in, places a soft kiss on Lisa’s shoulder. Wraps her arms around her then, holds her tightly to her body.
Leans her face against the crook of Lisa’s neck and lets the water bounce off them both, soothe them after the difficult days they’ve had.
They stay under the water for a few moments, soaking the moment in with one another. For Carla, it’s everything she didn’t have the night before. It’s more than she’s ever really hoped for.
She doesn’t want this moment to end, but she also knows Lisa is absolutely shattered, knackered within an inch of her life. She reaches around her and turns off the water. She wraps Lisa in her towel, leads her to the sink. Puts toothpaste on her toothbrush, hands it to her.
Carla begins brushing her own as well. Her eyes never leaving Lisa in the mirror. What a difference a day makes. She’d been so broken herself yesterday, so worried, and now, now she’s been given the gift of her partner, trusting her to take care of anything.
She helps Lisa into her dressing gown and gets into her own beside her.
Carla then reaches for Lisa’s skincare products, goes about applying them how she’s seen Lisa do it. Softly brushing her hands across Lisa’s hand for the second time that day. Lisa doesn’t say anything. When she’s done, Carla reaches for their hairbrush, begins the process of combing through Lisa’s hair, and can feel Lisa sigh into it.
Carla knows that Lisa will talk with her, communicate with her, when she’s ready. She just keeps stroking the brush through her hair, trying to calm her.
When she finishes, she puts the brush down, turning Lisa to face her. She leans in softly and gives her a gentle kiss, and pulls back to place another on her forehead. She skims her knuckles across Lisa’s soft cheek, unable to stop grazing her face at all, loving this newfound closeness it brings.
“I love you.” Lisa says. She means so much with those words. Thank you, I needed all of this, I missed you. I am so grateful for you. Please never leave me.
Carla smiles then, deeply. “I love you too, sweetheart.” They stand like that awhile, still in the bathroom. Time passes but neither of them really notices, both looking into the other’s eyes, finding salvation they never expected.
Suddenly Lisa’s stomach makes a loud growl and it interrupts their moment.
“When did you last eat?” Carla asks with concern.
Lisa avoids answering.
“Lisa. When?”
“Well, what day is it?”
Carla scoffs. “Had you eaten before I saw you this morning?”
“No.”
“Lisa! “That’s…two full days.”
“I know, I know. I couldn’t eat yesterday. I couldn’t think of anything but you or Betsy.”
“Well, lucky for you, I thought you might be hungry.”
Carla steps back and grabs Lisa’s hand, leads her into the kitchen.
Lisa sees a bouquet of beautiful pink flowers and a bag of takeaway beside it.
Carla reaches for the flowers. “These are for you.” She sees, passing them to Lisa.
“You got me flowers?” Lisa says surprised, her heart beating heavily in her chest. “When?” Her practical mind taking over for the emotional surprise.
“I called in a favour. You deserve someone who buys you flowers, just because. Someone who wants you to know they love you, also just because. Someone who wants you to have a visual reminder of today, of how much it means to them that you came back.”
Lisa bites her lip in an attempt to ground herself. It had been a long time since she received any flowers. Lisa gave flowers, but here was this incredible woman in front of her, making her feel so blessed. “Thank you. They’re beautiful. I love them.”
Carla discovers that while she absolutely loves how bashful Lisa gets when she is the one giving flowers, it simply does not compare to the adorable level of flustered she gets when receiving them.
“You are very welcome.” Carla responds. “I can put these in some water, while you sort out the other surprise.”
“A doner kebab?” Lisa says opening the bag in front of her. “How did you even manage all this? I didn’t think I was in the shower that long.”
“Well, you were. But I didn’t leave. I couldn’t leave you…so I called Ryan. Told him what we needed, doner kebab, all the trimmings. Flowers for me lady.” Carla says the last line with a chuckle. She doesn’t want to overwhelm Lisa, just wants her to know she’s cared for. “I happen to have it on good authority that flowers from the woman who loves you, can really make your day.”
Lisa smiles at Carla. “Thank you for this too. I’m so lucky to have you in my life.” She leans up and lightly kisses Carla, it’s passing but it holds so much more within the unspoken contact.
It temporarily flusters Carla, making her forget what’s happening, until she takes a step back. “Alright, you get to eating, and I’ll get these flowers organised.”
Not long later, they’re back on the sofa. Carla’s reclined with Lisa tucked in beside and on top of her. Her chest being a pillow for blonde hair and soft green eyes.
“Thank you for tonight, for everything.” Lisa tells Carla, wants her to know how much she appreciates everything.
“Of course.” Carla says, because it is that simple.
Lisa sighs. “Do you really think Betsy will get over this?” She’s trying to cling on to Carla’s words, because she has been right in the past.
“Yes, definitely.” Carla responds without any pause. “Lisa, you have been superwoman to that girl. You have navigated her through incredible loss. You are showing her what it means to be a strong, independent woman with a very important career. And you two have come so far in the past few months, too far if you ask me, for this to last long at all.”
“I just feel like I’m constantly disappointing her.” Lisa sighs, letting out a little of her inner turmoil.
“You’re not, you are not. Lisa, that girl means the world to you. You put her first in almost every decision you make. You’ve put her happiness above your own countless times. And even when she kicked off about us, she got over it and now she’s moved in here without a fuss and dare I say, she’s kind of thriving. You used to tell me she was too old to hug you, and now look at you, I’ve seen you both hug daily for weeks. It’s beautiful. Your relationship is beautiful. It can handle this. You’ll see.”
Lisa smiles at Carla’s words. Carla has been stepping in, interjecting in her life for a long while already, making it better. She remembers before they decided to have their relationship, Carla forcing her hand into talking with Betsy about being struck by a car. She recalls Carla seeing the need for truth. She recalls Carla helping her with Betsy and Mason, navigating that difficult experience. “It’s down to you, you know.”
“What is?”
“My relationship with Betsy kind of getting back on track. I don’t know where we’d be without you. I don’t want to know, to be honest. You’re exactly what I needed, what we both need. I mean, present situation aside, you’re right, Betsy and I have been getting on so well. It wouldn’t be like this without you. Before you we couldn’t…I don’t know…”
“Communicate?”
Lisa smiles at that. “Yes, I suppose.”
“Yes, well, apple didn’t fall far from that tree.”
“Ha ha.” Lisa retorts.
“Look, she’s hurt. That will pass. She needs her mam. Betsy’s not stupid, she’ll understand. She just worries for you. So do I. You run into trouble sometimes without a care for yourself. But… we can’t change who you are Lisa, and we wouldn’t. Because it makes you, you. And we both love you. You two will be okay, I know for certain.” Carla finishes with a kiss to the crown of Lisa’s head.
“I wish I was as confident.”
“Don’t matter. I’ll hold the confidence for us both.” Carla says, squeezing Lisa’s hand.
“I’m so glad to be home.” Lisa says.
“I’m so glad it feels like home.” Carla answers.
“It’s not this place…” Lisa says. She pulls her body up so she can look at Carla, cupping the side of Carla’s face with her hands, echoing back the earlier comfort that she’d given to Lisa. “It’s you.”
Carla sharply inhales at the expression of emotion from Lisa. It caught her by surprise. She felt the exact same. Lisa was home for her—she just hadn’t expected her to reciprocate those feelings. Carla was very confident in Lisa’s actions displaying her love. Vocally, Lisa was more reserved, which was fine, she didn’t mind that, it just meant that when Lisa was expressive…it meant the world.
“Looks like we’re both home then, yeah?”
Their lips meet in a soft kiss. It’s the promise of their future, shedding light on the shadow of the night before.
“Yeah.” Lisa replies quietly. She smiles. “Shall we go to bed?”
Carla recalls a different time when Lisa had said that to her, and the way in which she’d said it. “To sleep?” This time Carla’s response a question, not an answer.
“Not exactly…”
“Are you sure? It’s been a really long couple days.”
“Yes. I’m sure…if you’re up for it?” Lisa asks. She knows Carla’s heart and body have been through a lot. She doesn’t want to overwhelm. But she does want to piece everything back together.
Carla nods her head.
That’s all Lisa needs, and she stands on her feet. She knows Carla has presented her with opportunity for the future, she’s basically handed over her heart. Lisa also knows she hasn’t been able to do exactly the same (not that Carla seems to mind), but she knows it’s not the right time for that from her. She also knows there is more she can offer. “I meant what I said. I need you. I need all of you.”
Carla’s whole face blossoms with a smile, lighting up her eyes. She recognises the offer Lisa’s making. Lisa has always been actions-oriented, she always shows how she feels, especially when the telling gets too difficult. So, she knows, she would love to speak Lisa’s language tonight.
Lisa stands first, and holds her hand out for Carla, helping her up from the sofa. She continues to hold it as they walk into the bedroom, both still in their dressing gowns, neither of them bothered to have changed earlier.
As soon as they’re inside, Lisa gently closes the door. It’s more symbolic than anything else. She knows that Betsy won’t be coming home, she doesn’t think there’s a high chance Ryan would drop by unannounced and use his key, and Bobby doesn’t have anymore.
It’s just that she wants what’s about to happen to be about her and Carla, only. This is theirs, and theirs only.
She turns back to Carla who is standing where she left her, looking at her with…what Lisa can only describe as adoration. Lisa steps back closer to her, and feels arms wrap around her waist, pulling her into Carla’s body.
She sighs. She doesn’t exactly know the moment that this space, these arms became home. She only knows that she’s pretty sure she never wants to leave again. She’d tried to withstand the magnetic pull for one night, and it had exhausted her resolve, and cracked her heart open.
She can’t find the words really, to describe this, but she knows she can show it.
She lifts her right hand and touches her finger along Carla’s temple, and traces it softly down the outline of her cheek, turning so that it’s her knuckle gently resting against her chin.
The force of the love she feels inside her is so strong, so loud, but in the moment they say nothing.
Her lips seem to move forward of their own volition, her body no longer able to keep away, and they make contact with Carla’s who is ready and willing to meet her.
For Lisa, kissing Carla always has an undercurrent of something explosive, but this kiss is warm, slow, inviting. At first a beckoning, with a promise for reckoning.
Without breaking the kiss, because she can’t seem to pull her body away—doesn’t even want to contemplate the idea of space between them for another second—Lisa’s hands drop to the tie of Carla’s dressing gown, undoing it. Carla returns the favour as they continue to let their lips do their talking.
Lisa helps Carla ease out of hers, and Carla pushes Lisa’s off her shoulders. They’re both naked then, kissing in front of the bed, and all Lisa can think is thank god.
She guides Carla back onto the bed. Carla’s green eyes have not left Lisa’s since they started moving. She hasn’t said anything, but she also hasn’t needed to. They’re speaking for her. She’s letting Lisa lead.
It’s the look on her face, one of absolute tenderness, of love, a giving in to the will of her partner because she trusts that whatever is to come will be…worthy. It makes Lisa want to drop to her knees.
Instead, she resolves to devote this entire evening to showing that same feeling back to Carla.
She considers all of the options available to them, and all of the ways that they can explore each other. She knows they’ve tried plenty of approaches, she knows that all of them have been fantastic. For tonight though, for this moment, she can’t imagine anything other than close body contact, than the feel of as much of Carla’s skin against her.
She leans Carla back and slides her body on top of hers.
They both sigh with contentment at the feel of their bodies reconnecting. Lisa has wanted this moment for a long time. She grabs at Carla’s one hand, while running her other up her side. She wants to feel her, but she wants to hold her and be held by her. Nothing feels close enough.
They continue to kiss with Lisa gently bracing above Carla. Her lips clinging to Carla’s only letting them go for a short period of breath before diving back in. She breaks from Carla’s mouth to softly kiss her cheek, her forehead, her neck, dropping kisses everywhere because she means everything and while her lips may not be able to find the words, they can still speak for her.
She finds her hands in Carla’s hair, caressing her scalp, cupping her head, pulling it closer to her mouth so she can get purchase, just a little bit closer, even a millimetre means everything.
She builds Carla up slowly, at first using her body, and their kisses. She can feel Carla’s wetness against her leg, knows how much she wants her, knows that she is equally wet, their desire for each other overwhelming her. She’s not focused on that though. She’s focused on touching every part of Carla, reaching every single aspect of this woman, and letting her love shine on it.
She clutches Carla’s hand tighter in hers, as her mouth wanders over her body. She slides back up to claim her mouth every so often because she can’t be away from it for long.
Neither of them breaks the silence. This isn’t really a place for words. Not tonight.
Eventually, Lisa slides her hand down between Carla’s legs, going slowly but with purpose. Feels Carla’s moans in her mouth, adjusts angles and pressure according to what she hears. She can feel the pressure, the moment building before it comes.
She watches as Carla peaks, sees the release as she arches against her. Rests her body gently down on top of Carla, as they both catch their breath. Then, she slowly rolls them so she can be on her back with Carla nestled into her side, in her arms. She can stroke her back, see her face a bit better. Hold her through the after-shocks.
This moment, these moments between them are everything. The quiet after.
Carla slides her hand up Lisa’s body, like she’s about to return the favour, but Lisa gently grabs hold of her arm, brings her hand up to her lips. “That was perfect.” Lisa says. “Let’s…let me be the one to love you tonight.”
Carla nods in understanding. Lisa needs to be the one to give in this moment, and she’s willing to let that be the case if that’s what she wants. Instead, Carla turns to her words. “I love you. That was…I guess I can’t put it into words. I just want you to know…me too.” Carla whispers into the dark.
Lisa holds on to Carla as tightly as she can, weathering the storm of emotions within herself. She’d wanted to show Carla her feelings and she knows she has. She’s bared her soul tonight, in many ways, without words, and somehow, Carla knows. She feels it. She accepts it.
Carla gets Lisa. It’s the knowledge of that truth, that spurns her next action. Because she wants to let Carla in completely, and she knows that’s going to take time to adjust to, but now feels like the perfect start.
“Tomorrow’s Mother’s Day.” Lisa whispers into the dark.
“Oh.” Carla says, and Lisa feels a slight tensing, like she’s preparing for whatever is to come, for Lisa’s pain, for Lisa to talk about Betsy.
“Will you come to the hospital with me to see Betsy?” She asks.
“Of course.” Carla says, and Lisa feels her slightly relax.
“We…usually go to Becky’s grave together, her and I”
“Oh. Well, darling, I’m happy to stay with Betsy, or make myself busy for a while tomorrow if that’s what you need.”
“I thought…maybe…you could come with me?” Lisa asks. She’s tensed up herself. She’s not sure if Carla will want to come, she’s not even sure it’s the right thing, it’s just that she really wants the future that Carla is offering, she really wants them to be together, she wants this to be it, and if it is, she wants to let Carla in completely.
“Are you sure? I don’t want t—"
“Yes, I’m sure.” Lisa interrupts, and she says it with a definitive answer.
“Then I’d love that.” Carla knows this offering doesn’t come easily to Lisa. She thinks Lisa’s probably been fighting it for awhile, this invite into her life, this view into her past. But she knows what it means, and she means what she says in response. She’s meant what she said all day. Lisa and Betsy are her future, she’s certain of that. And that means accepting every part of them, and their past. She doesn’t want to replace Becky. She just wants to be Carla, and everything that Carla Connor can mean to the Swains.
“So would I.” Lisa responds, and she means it too. She never expected this…never even really thought about a future like this. Yet here, she is, and she wouldn’t change anything.
It’s funny, in a way, she thinks. Every other aspect of her life feels like absolute chaos. And yet, here, in Carla’s arms, it all feels manageable somehow. As if they’ll figure it out. Whatever happens, they’ll sort it together. She isn’t alone anymore. She believes that, even if it scares her a little.
She’s found her calm in the storm of an unforgiving world. It’s Carla. She’s home. They’re both home. With each other.