Adjusting

When Steve had gotten his belongings back after being defrosted, he had spotted one item that wasn't his – it hadn’t been that difficult really, he didn't own a lot of things after all. Besides his dog tags, some pictures and his uniform, everything else was somewhat useless, thus the diary stood up. Steve had thought about giving it back, but when he glanced through it and saw the initials H.S. written on the bottom corner on the cover, he decided to keep it. Howard had been a friend back then; Steve had had the opportunity to know how brilliant he had been. So, a clever man, such as Howard, couldn’t have left the diary among his stuff accidentally. Howard might have wanted Steve to read it, so he would do it.

Most of the entries talked about some of his discoveries and creations – not specific details though, Steve also knew how skeptical Howard was – about the creation of Captain America the serum, about the foundation of SHIELD – again, not details – in short, a lot of things Steve already knew about. So he flicked through the pages written when he was still alive or contained no new information, and focus on the pages written when he had gotten frozen, curious of how Howard’s life had turned out once Steve was gone.

A twinge of guilt settled in his stomach when Steve found out how stubbornly Howard had looked for him. He was grateful for the effort, for not giving up on him, but Steve would’ve preferred Howard to spend his time doing something else, like spending more time with his family, as later Steve found out Howard hadn’t exactly been the father of the year.

That’s when Steve started to come up against the entries that talked about Howard's son: Anthony. They actually didn't say too much about him, no information could be found in that diary about the topics that every father like to bring up about their kids: the first time they walk, the first word they say, the first time the say daddy or mommy, their birthday parties, the first day of school, nor anything of the sort. The entries mainly focused on one fact: according to Howard, his son was such a disappointment in so many ways, but the worse one was that Anthony liked to wear diapers. And Howard had dedicated a lot of entries talking about what he did in order to make his son lose this weird interest, someone who was meant to change the world couldn’t have that bizarre like.

Steve wasn’t going to deny that, at the beginning, he did think it was kind of off, but he never considered it to be such a terrible thing as Howard did. Experiencing war, hanging out with hundreds of people, each and every one of them with different and varied ways of coping with stress, war and life in general – some really twisted things that the mere fact of thinking about them still made him shudder, though he was never going to judge – made what Howard's son liked something that wasn’t that bad, not really. At least it wasn’t as awful as Howard made it sound.

So, since that moment, Steve began to disapproved the way Howard treated his son.

A shame that the first time Steve met Tony had been a complete fiasco.

It was hard to admit, but Steve had let himself being carried along by Stark's facade and all the bad comments said about him everywhere. It took him some time to be able to see him for who he really was, as Tony stubbornly kept very high and thick walls around him, not even trying to deny his bad reputation, since he liked to use it as a shield. It started with Tony risking his life going into that wormhole to save everybody and it finished with Tony and Miss Potts’s breakup, which Steve was sure affected Tony more than he was willing to accept, making him vulnerable without even realizing it, letting some bits of the real Tony slip almost imperceptibly. His insecurity, his self-loathing, his need for acceptance and belongingness, were just some of his well-hidden traits.

To be honest, Steve had almost forgotten about the whole diaper thing by then, his life had become so chaotic since he had joined The Avengers that that specific piece of information had slipped to the back of his mind. But when he saw Tony playing with some kids toys, a pacifier well settled in his mouth, Steve remembered it again.

Little by little, everything started to make sense for Steve. He realized Howard had been more than wrong for thinking his son had an unhealthy fixation with diapers. It wasn’t the diapers what Tony craved for. It was the attention, the love, the care, the safeness that every kid wanted, that every kid got and that every kid deserved. What Tony had been denied since an early age. What would Howard have thought if he had known that that particular thing his son liked was most likely caused by him? By his lack of parenting skills? By his not so brilliant idea of not being a father to his son? Certainly, Howard would’ve never accepted. Although that didn’t matter anymore, Howard was long gone and the damage was already done.

And yet, with no one around to tell him anymore that this was incorrect, Tony didn't allow himself to go and get that what he craved for so desperately. It was very installed in his brain that it was something wrong and he shouldn’t want, even something he didn’t deserve. Howard himself, and all the physiologists and specialists he had hired, had made Tony thought that. They had made Tony accept that as the truth. And Steve couldn't stand it anymore, Tony was such a good man – Steve had come to realize – and he deserved to have whatever he wanted, especially if that was something Steve was sure he could provide him with.

Taking advantage of having caught him in the middle of one of his – later he became to know as – Little playtime, he brought up the topic, and offered to help him. Needless to say Tony wasn't going to take any help. But Steve was more than patient, he knew that Tony would eventually give in – not without a struggle, of course, but Steve was willing to put up with that.

JARVIS had been a great help. First the A.I. had refused to say anything about this particular topic, his loyalty would always be with his creator. But JARVIS wasn’t as stubborn as Tony, thus it hadn’t taken him as much time as it was taking Tony to realize that Steve genuinely wanted to help, that he meant no harm at all. It wasn’t like the A.I. had given him all the information regarding Tony, but introducing him to the terms Age Play and Infantilism had helped Steve to find information on the Internet and have a better understanding of what he was dealing with. At the end of the day, JARVIS began to trust Steve enough to pair up with him in some occasions, as the A.I. was well aware of how pig-headed his creator could be – never let Tony find out about this, though.

Certainly, Tony had given in after sometime, and they started to age play once in a while, even if most of those times happened until Tony couldn’t keep at bay his Little headspace anymore. Steve wasn’t so keen of the idea that Tony had to deal with a lot of negative feelings, being a complete brat and throwing huge tantrums sometimes, before letting himself slip into his Little mindset. This wasn’t supposed to be like that, this wasn’t supposed to be linked with anything negative, quite the opposite actually. This was supposed to be something good to Tony, something he could enjoy and use as a way to cope with all the stress his life carried along, not something that made him uncomfortable and ashamed. Steve did everything he could in order to help Tony through the transition, to make him easier for him, but sometimes – more like always, actually – it backfired.

And after all the uproar, it would’ve been nice to say that Tony let himself enjoy the moment as much as possible; but, well, it was Tony, and he just let himself age play for a short period of time. Most of the times he slipped into his Little headspace sometime around the afternoon, and he kept it that way until bedtime, going back to being an adult as soon as he woke up the next morning – not to mention the fact that Tony would always be all jumpy, ashamed and on the edge, too afraid of being seen by somebody to really let himself enjoy the moment.

"You don't have to, you know," Steve had commented one day when he had run into Tony in the kitchen.

"I don’t have to what?" Tony had asked grumpily, his face hidden behind his cup of coffee.

"You don't have to go back to being an adult as soon as you wake up. You know I wouldn't mind playing the next day too," Steve had coaxed, making Tony choke with his coffee. Tony had looked around immediately, afraid someone might have been in the room too. Steve had sighed, hoping that, one day, Tony truly understood that he had no intention of exposing him in front of the others.

“I don’t know if you haven’t realized it, but I have a lot of things to do,” Tony had explained with an annoyed tone of voice as he poured himself some more coffee, “I own a company, I work on improvements on the team’s weapons, I’m Iron man and so on. If that’s not enough for you to understand how busy I am, I don’t know what would,” he had snapped before leaving the kitchen.

Steve had signed deeply, feeling rather frustrated. He didn’t like it when Tony excuse himself by pointing out all the things he was responsible for.

That’s why Steve decided that something needed to be done about this situation. Tony needed to understand that spending time as Little wasn’t a waste of time, he needed to become comfortable with it, he needed to realize that it wasn’t a burden or anything like that. It wasn’t like Steve wanted Tony to be Little all the time, he knew that wasn’t possible nor recommendable, but Tony could really use some Little time that lasted more than just a few hours.

Easier said than done, though. If Steve had a hard time trying to convince Tony to play for some hours, he didn’t even want to imagine how catastrophic it would be to present him with the idea of age playing for a whole day or a weekend.
Steve would have to figure something out.

A perfect opportunity for what Steve wanted to do presented itself after a tough battle. It had been exhausting, difficult, frustrating till the point where there was a moment they thought they were going to lose, but fortunately they didn’t. Clint ended up with a broken arm, Natasha had lost a lot of her favorite weapons, the Hulk had destroyed more buildings than Bruce would've liked to and Tony would have to rebuilt a lot of parts of his suit for sure, besides the large amount of money he would have to give in order to cover the expenses of the reconstruction of all the places that had been knocked down.

Never let it be said that Fury was a heartless son of a bitch – Tony’s words, not Steve’s – since, after seeing how worn out the team had ended up, Fury had assured them that, for the next three days, the Avengers weren't going to be summoned under no circumstances. They had won a well-deserved vacation.

Steve had to take advantage of this. He even took the liberty of calling Pepper and asking her to clear out Tony’s schedule for a couple of days at least, arguing that Tony could really use some free time in which he could completely rest. Pepper, having seen on TV the atrocious battle, didn’t think twice about agreeing with Steve.

Now the only thing Steve needed to do was handling things as smoothly as possible. He knew Tony would be already struggling not to slip into his Little headspace, after all it had been quite some time since the last time they age played, but that didn’t mean Steve would have it easy to talk him into it. Anything he said or did not in an appropriate way would just drive Tony away, and Steve couldn’t let this opportunity to be wasted.

“JARVIS, I asked you to take me to my floor,” Tony complained when the doors of the elevator opened in Steve’s floor, but even like that, the doors didn’t close and the elevator didn’t start moving again.

“Why don’t you stay for dinner taking advantage that you’re already here,” Steve suggested, yelling from the kitchen.

“You got JARVIS to bring me here!” Tony accused, stepping inside anyway, the smell of the food Steve was cooking was too good to turn the invitation down. He didn’t like it, but Tony was getting used to how manipulative Steve could be whenever he was trying to make him have something to eat.

“I’m sorry sir, but you were going to go to bed without eating and Captain Rogers asked me to bring you here since he has cooked plenty to share,” JARVIS objected, though no real regret was noticeable in his voice. “It’s not OK to waste food.”

“Those are Steve’s words, not yours,” Tony observed, glaring at the roof even if he had criticized the others thousands of times for doing this particular gesture whenever JARVIS talked.

“Sir, i –”

“Save it JARVIS, I don’t believe you anymore, you always pair up with the gramps here. Next time you need any upgrade or repair, you can ask Steve, ‘cause I’m not doing it,” Tony warned. If JARVIS had eyes – and if it were possible too – Tony would absolutely be able to listen to how he rolled them. “What are we having?” he asked once he reached the kitchen.

“Nothing fancy, just burgers with French fries,” Steve informed, pulling the supplies from the cabinets.

“Sounds good to me,” Tony said curtly, even though Steve knows he loves his cooking, no matter what it is.

Tony flopped on one of the chairs, playing unconsciously with the napkins that were already set on the table, not paying attention to what Steve was doing at all. He could have helped him, but Steve never allowed him to do so.

“No, definitely no!” Tony barked when Steve placed the food in front of him, glaring at the sippy cup, “We’re not going to do this again!”

“Do what?” Steve asked, faking obliviousness.

“This!” Tony pointed at the food.

“Eating?”

“Stop playing stupid, you know perfectly well what I’m talking about!” Tony snapped, standing up brusquely, the chair falling backwards in the process, “I’m not putting up with this shit!” And he turned around, walking away.

“Hey, Tony, wait!” Steve asked, walking behind him and grasping his arm to prevent him from leaving, “All right, all right, I’m sorry, I do know what you’re talking about,” he apologizes, hoping to ease Tony’s rushed of anger, “Please, stay.”

“No.”

“C’mon, the food’s ready,” Steve reasoned, not loosening his grip on Tony’s upper arm.

“No, if I stay you’re gonna keep this fucking charade,” Tony accused, turning around to glare at Steve.

“You’re probably right,” Steve confessed, if he lied again the only thing he would accomplished would be making Tony leave for good, “let’s make a deal then.”

“Why would I agree on that, when you clearly do whatever the hell you want even if you already know what I think about your damn tactics,” Tony bellowed, looking at the hand Steve had around his arm, leading Steve to believe that he wanted to be released.

“Because you and I both know you’re on the edge and you could really use this,” Steve reasoned, letting Tony’s arm go. Tony kept glaring at him. “Why don’t you stay, have dinner and watch a movie with me, I promise not to push. If after that you still feel like leaving, you are free to go,” Steve proposed, his face trying to show the most charming and innocent expression he could achieved. Tony huffed annoyed.

“I’m telling you now, this isn’t happening,” Tony warned, already walking back to the table. Steve smiled, baby steps, he told himself, baby steps are not such a bad start.

Dinner went uneventful, besides Tony’s complaining about the sippy cup – he ended up removing the tap despite Steve’s pleads – and the lack of cutlery – which was just a way to point out his discontentment with Steve’s decision of cutting the hamburger in small pieces, since forks or knives weren’t normally used to eat hamburgers – nothing much happened. Steve tried to keep a light conversation, but Tony’s answers were mostly monosyllables, nods and grunts, not even giving Steve the chance to look at him in the eyes at all.

Once the food was gone and the table was cleaned, they moved to the living room. Tony flopped on the sofa and moved away as far as he could without being too obvious when Steve sat down a bit too close to him.

“I’m picking the movie,” Tony announced as he reached for the remote before Steve could get a hold of it. Steve rolled his eyes, if only Tony realized how childish his behavior was when he was trying to behave as mature as possible.

Of course Tony ended up choosing the most violent and bloody movie that was available, determined to do everything in his power to avoid having something that incite his Little headspace to take over him.

Steve had to looked away in some scenes, and sighed annoyed when he took a peek at Tony and realized the latter had been closing his eyes to not see those scenes either. Sure they both have witnessed even bloodier and crueler situations during battle, but in the context where somebody was doing such horrible things to other people just for the pleasure of it, made the whole experience rather creepier. It never ceased to amaze Steve how movies like that one could be filmed, though he should be more amazed for the fact that there were people who actually saw them.

“That asshole deserved a worse death,” Tony commented when the movie was over, turning the TV off. Steve was sure Tony had kept his eyes closed during the last scene.

“Nobody should get something worse than that, not even bad people,” Steve objected, watching Tony as he stood up.

“Whatever you say”, Tony bluffed, throwing the remote to the sofa, “Well, it was a nice evening, but I’m afraid I have to leave, it’s getting late,” Tony parted, slightly smirking at Steve as it was obvious that, in spite of Steve’s efforts, he hadn’t been able to make Tony slip into his Little mindset. Steve forced a smile, not wanting to show him his disappointment.

“Goodnight and sweet dreams, baby boy.” Now it was the time for Steve to smirk, proud of how some simple words said with the right tone of voice could easily baffled Tony. That didn’t stop him for leaving, though.

Steve sighed exasperated for the umpteenth time that night, disappointed for not having been able to convince Tony to stay. But he wouldn’t go after him, not when he promised Tony he would be free to go if he wanted too. Maybe tomorrow Steve would come up with another idea to achieve what he wanted to, he wouldn’t give up hope.

Being a soldier meant Steve knew that losing a battle didn’t mean he had already lost the war.

Steve remembered reading on the Internet that if you woke up in the middle of the night for no reason at all – no nightmares, no need to pee, no hunger, no nothing – it was because somebody was observing you. Obviously, that hadn’t made him shudder as he was sure many people had when they read that, Steve had gotten surprised during his sleep more times than he could remember. It wasn’t a big deal to be honest, he was always ready to fight no matter when, he was always aware of his surroundings, the serum allowed him to be alert all the time.

But when he woke up around 2am and spotted a dark shadow on the corner of his room, he could swear his heart stopped for a millisecond. Living in the Tower meant nobody could sneak around without being spotted by JARVIS, and the A.I. would immediately let them know if there was an intruder inside – unless they hacked him, but not a lot of people could hack something that was created by Tony.

So, that meant that the body curled against the walls didn’t belong to an intruder. It must belong to someone who spent a lot of time or lived there in the Tower too, that would explain why JARVIS thought there was no need to notify Steve about someone coming inside his room. And JARVIS only did that when Tony was the one who entered, which meant that Tony was the one who was huddled up in front of him.

Yeah, and the blue light coming from the arc reactor should have given Tony away right away, but Steve couldn0t be blamed, the initial startle and the drowsiness hadn’t let him realize that before.

“Hey kiddo, what are you doing here?” Steve asked as he sat down, already knowing he wasn’t dealing with adult Tony, since he never go further from his living room. “What’s the matter?” But after some minutes it was obvious that there wasn’t going to be any answer, which made Steve move to the edge of the bed to get closer to Tony, stopping right away as the light of the arc reactor disappeared, meaning that Tony curled in more. “JARVIS? Is there a problem?”

“No, Captain Rogers, Sir just seemed to have had a nightmare,” JARVIS informed, and Steve had to bite his tongue to not scold Tony about his great idea of watching a thriller movie before going to bed. That movie would cause nightmares to any child.

“Oh, baby. It’s OK, you’re awake and safe now,” Steve soothed, “Can I come close?” he requested, but Tony shook his head strenuously, “c’mon sweetheart, it’s me, Steve, I’m not gonna hurt,” but Tony kept shaking his head. “How long has he been here?”
“A couple of hours, Captain,” the A.I. answered, and Steve could notice a hint of disapproving in his voice.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?” Steve demanded, imagining Tony sitting there for two long hours, when he could easily have comforted him as soon as he arrived, made him feel uneasy. – hell, he could’ve even gone to his room and save him the trouble of walking over here if only JARVIS had informed him about what had happened.

“I’m sorry Captain, but Sir asked me not to.” Yeah, JARVIS’s loyalty. Steve sighed.

“Never mind. Tony, baby, what do you think about sleeping here with me tonight? How does that sound, huh?” Steve suggested, it was easier to talk Tony into coming closer to him than the other way around. Steve might not be able to stop the nightmares, but at least he could be there to comfort him if he woke up because of one of them again.

Steve could see how Tony fought a battle inside his head about whether to accept his proposal or not. After some long minutes, Tony stood up and ran fast toward his bed, throwing himself on it and landing right beside Steve. Without hesitation, Tony hugged him, hiding his face in his chest.

“It’s OK kiddo, I’m here. I’m not gonna let anything happen to you,” Steve promised when he noticed that Tony was slightly trembling, hugging him back. It didn’t take him long to perceive the scent of urine that started to fill the air around them. “Baby boy, did you have an accident?” he questioned, taking the liberty of taking his hand down to touch Tony’s boxers. They weren’t exactly soiled, just scarcely damped. Tony whined as he hugged him tightly. “Take it easy buddy, I’m not mad, I just want to know so I can change you, you shouldn’t stay in those icky boxers. What do you think about a fast shower?” Steve suggested.

“No,” Tony mumbled when he felt Steve trying to push him away, tightening his embrace even more.

“C’mon, you’ll sleep more comfortably,” Steve assured as he rubbed small circles on Tony’s back.

“No,” Tony refused again.

“I’ll help you, c’mon,” Steve offered, intending to move, but Tony forced him to stay where he was. “OK, maybe you prefer a bath?”

“No!” Tony yelled, though it sounded garbled since his face was still pressed against Steve’s chest, “No water!” Steve flinched, he didn’t remember Tony’s dislike of water increased when he was Little.

“I get it, I get it, no water. But at least let me change you out of these clothes,” Steve asked, trying to move once more, unsuccessfully.

“No.” If Steve kept track of the top ten words Tony like to say when being Little, no would definitely head it.

“Sorry sweetheart, but you can’t sleep with these clothes.”

Against his will, Steve tried to get rid of Tony’s grip once more. If it were up to him, Steve wouldn’t even try to push Tony away from him, specially not when he clearly needed comfort, but he couldn’t let Tony go back to sleep wearing his dirty clothes either. Steve sighed when Tony moved a bit up and placed his arms around his neck, making it more difficult to free himself. Taking some minutes to rock him back and forth to ease him a little, Steve stood up with Tony in his arms, deciding it was futile to persist in trying to get Tony to let him go. When Tony whined about the change of position, Steve retrieved a pacifier from the drawer of the nightstand and gently pushed it into Tony’s mouth who took it with no hesitation, sucking it frantically, showing how distressed he was.

Even if Steve just had one hand free, it only took him some seconds to get a diaper and a t-shirt from the closet, as well as a small towel that he damped with water and a bit of liquid soap from the bathroom. In a blink of an eye, he was back in the bed, struggling once more to achieve getting free from Tony’s grip. Truth to be told, Steve felt his heart twitch with remorse when he saw Tony’s hurt expression as he managed to settle him down on the bed, having no option but to apply some strength in order to do so, placing a hand on his chest to keep him from coming closer to him.

With quick moves, Steve handled Tony off this boxers and sweaty t-shirt, cleaning his legs as well as possible with the towel to vanish all trails of pee. It turned out to be a difficult task because Tony didn’t stopped squirming, trying to go back to Steve’s arms desperately. He did get clingy when being Little, especially after nightmares – or maybe it was just the habit Tony had of hiding his face against Steve’s chest, still too embarrassed about the whole thing.

Once Steve had diapered Tony up and helped him to put on one of his t-shirts – which was kind of big for Tony, but it will have to enough for now, since all his footie pajamas and onesies where in the nursery – Steve sat down on the mattress, arranging some pillows against the head of the bed so he could lean his back on them. He smiled fondly when climbed and settled on his lap almost immediately, hugging him gladly while Tony latched onto him very tightly.

It may not have been the best outcome – Steve wished Tony never had to endure nightmares – but Steve wasn’t going to deny he was a bit happy for ending up with his baby boy in his arms after all.