Chapter 10
Clint was still putting up a fuss about being removed and Tony didn’t get it. The guy was going back to his family; he shouldn’t be so pissed off about it. It wasn’t like Laura was lacking in updates, he made sure to talk to her semi-regularly so she knew what the hell was going on with Clint’s legal business. Technically she actually knew more than he did. And if Tony let it slip that Clint tried to strangle him in the latest update, well, it wasn’t false.
“I have business here, how am I supposed to know what’s going on?” Clint asks. The Dora Milaje look ready to drag him out and T’Challa looks more irritated that Tony has ever seen him.
“That is not my problem, you were the one who decided to defy both your Captain’s wishes and my own. I suspect you punish your children when they act out as well,” T’Challa says. Tony snorts softly at the subtle comparison, covering his mouth with his hand for a moment to hide his smile. T’Challa must hear the sound because he turns to face him, and Steve too given that he was seeing Clint off. Steve looks irritated and T’Challa’s features smooth out some as the irritation fades a little.
“I’m going to be honest, I don’t see what you’re problem is,” Tony says bluntly. Shouldn’t he be like… happy? He would be, Clint’s baby was trying various fruits and vegetables now and he didn’t even know that, or that the poor kid was allergic to strawberries. Tony figures the kid can bond with Pepper about it later.
“I’m pissed because you got be deported,” Clint snaps. Tony gets the pleasure of T’Challa and the five Dora Milaje making the exact same ‘what the fuck’ face at the same time, clearly as lost on that as he was.
“Uh, pretty sure you assaulting me got you deported but whatever. The baby is allergic to strawberries, by the way, if you even care about that,” he throws out. Cute kid, even if he kind of resembled a flesh colored pumpkin at the moment.
“Oh fuck you, you don’t know anything about my family or how I feel about them!” Clint snaps.
Tony raises an eyebrow at that, “really? So I guess you know that Cooper finally figured out how to ride a bike without training wheels, and then he quickly learned how to fall off a bike but he’s fine. And Lila discovered lipstick, but unfortunately she decided it was for doggy makeovers so Lucky ended up bright red, and Nathaniel thought it was hilarious. Lucky was not pleased with his bath. You haven’t been in contact with your family for over two months Clint, with kids that’s a long time and not only that, but you up and left them in the middle of a vacation. Dick move, man. So I’ll reiterate, why are you so pissed off about being sent home? Because from where I’m standing that’s a pretty fucking sweet deal for you and an even better one for your kids. Laura gets regular updates from me so it isn’t like you’ll be out of the loop, and again, you get to see your kids.” He thought that was great but he guessed he made the mistake of thinking Clint actually gave a damn about his family.
“Oh as if you even know anything about family, yours is dead,” Clint says. T’Challa gives him an offended look that would have been funny if Tony wasn’t so insulted too.
“Yeah, my family is dead and guess what, I had a dad that thought his job was more important than me too. Would you like to know how the story ends?” he snarls harshly. Because he could tell Clint that his kids idolized him, they would for the next couple years. But then they would notice he was gone a lot but hey, he was doing good things, right? They’d get a little older, see all his mistakes, but they’ll choose to believe that he’s still good because he was their dad and he was supposed to be good. But the mistakes would get bigger, they’d see more, they’d see what being a hero meant to Clint and maybe they’ll see some redeeming things but they’d question most of it. And then the disillusionment happened and they’d wonder why being a hero meant abandoning them because what the fuck kind of hero did that? They’d learn that Clint cared, sure, but not about them. And then they’d fucking hate his guts and by then Clint had no way of getting them back because they didn’t see much good anymore.
They still might see some of the morals in what Clint is doing, he wasn’t Howard, he did have redeeming qualities even if Tony didn’t see them. But he wouldn’t be their hero and what was the point of being a hero if your kids didn’t believe it too? It was god damn insulting to those kids is what this was and that was just cruel. How dare those kids suffer for Clint’s selfishness, they didn’t choose this and Clint should think of them more than he didn’t. And they thought he was the selfish one, at least he knew better than to bring kids into his messy life. He knew full well that he shouldn’t have kids because they were all right, he is selfish and he had no extreme desire to change that. But he was selfless enough to know that no kid should suffer for his own shortcomings. Maybe Clint should catch a fucking clue.
Clint goes to open his mouth but T’Challa holds his hand up to silence him, “leave,” he says firmly, “and you too,” he says to Tony. He considers arguing but he doesn’t, choosing to leave like T’Challa told him to instead. He can hear continue to argue but he ignores that as he makes his way down the hallways until he can’t hear the commotion anymore.
*
T’Challa perches himself beside Tony and hands him a plate of… something. Rhodey had taken off like an hour ago when Shuri came around because he was a terrible friend. Truthfully he didn’t mind, he had some designs he was working on for Rhodey in relation to War Machine. He was trying to have the suit compensate for Rhodey’s almost complete lack of mobility from the waist down. So far the data from the bionic legs he made Rhodey to assist in his walking was telling him he was chasing dreams but he didn’t let that stop him. Before Afghanistan Iron Man would have been something he laughed at and dismissed as impossible. All he needed to do was think outside normal conventions like he had with the mini reactor and the suit but it was slow going nonetheless.
He sets his StarkPad aside and takes the plate of… whatever and pokes at it with a fork before deciding he was too damn hungry to argue with his better judgment. He tries, and fails, to remember the last time he ate. The food looked like some sort of pasta dish and he figured T’Challa wouldn’t try and kill him anyways, “thanks,” he says and stabs at the food. The second he takes a bite his body reminds him that he needed to do the eating thing more often and he all but inhales the food.
“You are welcome,” T’Challa tells him, smiling like he was pleased with the situation. Tony had no clue what the fuck that meant but he was too damn hungry to care. He didn’t even taste the food as it went down because he was more focused on how his stomach was twisting in hunger. How long had that even been a thing? He had no idea, he learned to ignore his body’s signals years ago and he never did manage to break the habit.
“So,” Tony mumbles around a bite of whatever the hell he was eating. It was pasta anyways, “Clint go quietly?”
Tony gets a dirty looks for that but he suspects that’s because T’Challa was irritated with Clint, not him. “No, he did not go quietly and I am not impressed. I have never understood America’s prison system, to be honest, it is harsh and cruel and it does little to address the problems that lead to people to commit crimes. Now I understand why tossing a man in a small cage is something your culture finds a strange amount of joy in because I would rather enjoy seeing Barton pace a tiny cell. The man is a fool and a hypocrite,” T’Challa says with an edge to his voice.
Yeah, didn’t Tony know it. “To be honest I’m not even sure why he was there to begin with, he’s supposed to be retired. And god knows why the hell he was so resistant to seeing his kids, I thought that was pretty generous but alright,” he says, rolling his eyes. It also ensured that he didn’t haul off and do something stupid while Tony worked through his legal mess. Well, at least Tony hoped it did. He didn’t think Barton was so much of an ass that he would purposefully expose his family like that but he guessed it was possible. Either way Laura was happy that her husband was coming home if for no other reason than the kids asking after him frequently. She tried her best to keep them from the news but they still managed to catch wind of Clint’s incarceration and subsequent escape, and some of his being dragged through the mud.
“It was and I do not think he deserved your generosity. I understand that you believe the world still needs the Avengers, but you do not owe them any of the help that you are still giving them and I do not understand why you have taken it upon yourself to fix their mess. After all the lies and hypocrisy they are lucky they are even here,” T’Challa says. He looks Tony over earnestly, like he could find the answer just by observing him, and his lips twitch up at the sight of the empty plate.
“I’m not exactly a walk in the park, you know. I have more than my fair share of hypocritical moments, and I’m plenty selfish, so don’t blame them for everything because they aren’t one hundred percent of the problem. And maybe I don’t owe them much but I owe the world several times over with all I’ve done to it. If that means I have to swallow my pride and help the Avengers than fine, it the least I can do.” He should do more but he didn’t exactly know how to at the moment, but when he figured it out he’d do that too.
T’Challa examines him for a moment and Tony resists the urge to fidget uncomfortably. “You do not owe the world anything- shush I am not finished. You have undoubtedly made some stupid decisions and that has cost people. But anyone in a position of power will make a decision that will cost someone else, that is the drawback of having power. You blame yourself for how your actions ripple but your actions to not exist in a vacuum, Tony, you did not start the ripple you were a part of it. You did not start the wars that made your weapons necessary, you acted to perpetuate those ripples, and they still exist without you there. Perhaps it was your actions that created Ultron, along with Dr. Banner, but those actions never would have existed if it were not for Loki trying to invade the world with aliens. If you never flew into that wormhole you never would have suffered that trauma, and your team never would have dismissed that trauma as dramatics, and you never would have been panicked enough to create Ultron. Take responsibility for your actions, yes, but know which action is yours to take responsibility for. Assuming responsibility for the actions of everyone around you does nothing but hurt you and allow everyone else to abandon their own responsibility in these events.”
He wants to argue that T’Challa doesn’t have all the facts because he probably doesn’t. Shuri mentioned at least three occasions that led to T’Challa gathering more information, there had to be more that he was missing, but his words still made sense. “Pretty sure everyone else has taken responsibility for their actions, I’m just doing my part,” he mumbles instead.
That gets him a sharp snort, “no they have not, they blame you for everything! I am well aware that you have done some very stupid things, but they often do the same things with little to no consequence or criticism. They tell you that you are flawed and they are not wrong, but they are more than happy to ignore that they are just as flawed. How else do you explain a man being so arrogant that he assumes that he can make decisions that affect the world without ever consulting the people living in that world?” T’Challa asks. He shakes his head, his jaw clenching, “Steve Rogers is not a bad man, I have seen his good, but I have also seen a very nasty undercurrent to that benevolence of his and I do not like it.”
“I’ve been that arrogant a bunch of times. I assumed I was the only one who could build the mini reactor, Vanko proved me wrong. I assumed I could handle Killian on my own and nearly got Pepper killed twice and I got my house bombed. I fucking loved that house, I built it myself and that fucker bombed it. I mean I told him to so that was my fault but still, dick move. Anyways, I decided Ultron was a good idea and then the goddamn bot almost killed the world. Steve told me, after Ultron, that I had trust issues and that I needed to listen to people, that I needed to work with them. And he was right, I have a bad history with not listening to what people are telling me and it always ends in disaster. I don’t like the government any more than he does because I know that they all suck. But I also know that the world had more trust in them than us and that means something whether I like it or not. Besides, we’ve proven pretty thoroughly that we aren’t exactly fit to make decisions. You can’t help people you aren’t listening to, I’ve failed at that a bunch of times and Steve was right to point it out, but I choose to listen and he tells me that’s wrong too. I can’t fucking keep up.”
It seemed like every time he caught on to what the team was telling him the rules changed again and then they got angry all over again when he couldn’t keep up. It was exhausting to have the team change things according to Steve’s every whim because that made no sense. Making decisions that way meant assuming Steve was right every time and Tony knew how dangerous that kind of thinking was, he’s spent a fucking lifetime thinking that way himself and it never went well. Maybe he put too much faith in the UN but shit, at this point could they do any worse? The world had so little faith in them as a team they decided that a government that was going to bomb New York a few years ago as a method of dealing with the aliens was a better option than them.
The world was screaming for something better and Steve snubbed his nose at them but dared to call him arrogant. They couldn’t take another chance that they were doing something right when they weren’t, the world wouldn’t allow it and they shouldn’t. They should demand heroes that listen to them because heroes who didn’t listen made better villains. They had a right to be scared of a group of people who decided they were above the law and it took him far too long to catch on. He wasn’t always right, neither was Steve, and neither was anyone else. But if you had a number of voices, agendas or no, you could count on a more reasonable decision. Plus it wasn’t like they were all unwilling to break the law, three of them straight up told the government to fuck off but only he caught flack for that. He also misdirected that nuke when the government made the wrong call in New York, proving that if something went wrong they had options and they would work because they have worked before. But Steve didn’t think the government was fucked up for the nuke, it wasn’t until his precious fucking Bucky got involved that he even cared to look past his own assumptions. And he was the arrogant one.
At Clint’s he said he didn’t trust a guy without a bad side and Steve said that maybe he hadn’t seen it yet. He was right, it turned out Steve’s bad side was Bucky Barnes and that poor fucker didn’t even get a say in all of this. So he might still want him dead, he couldn’t help but want justice for his parents’ murder, but he was clear headed enough to know he was essentially innocent. He was just the tool that was used to kill his parents, not the one who made the call and that had to be hard. He didn’t want to empathize with a guy he had regular nightmares about but he did, to a point.
“You are doing the best you can,” T’Challa tells him, drawing his attention back to him. “You are only human, you will make mistakes, and you are trying very hard to learn. Your team punishes you for not learning as fast as they think you should and that is cruel. Not only that, but your team punishes you for thinking like an individual and questioning decisions your leader makes. A good leader knows to listen to criticism, to examine it closely, especially if they keep hearing the same criticisms. A bad leader shifts the blame to anyone but himself and allows people to take the blame for actions that were not theirs, or not theirs alone, because they do not want to consider that they are wrong. A good leader knows that they may very well be wrong at any point, and that they should always be open to solutions to their wrong doings. You may not be perfect, but you at least acknowledge that about yourself.”
Sure he did, but not nearly enough. And he didn’t exactly do the greatest job applying the things he learned to his life either, falling back into old patterns far too easily. He could see why that was frustrating for people, he said he learned and then proved he didn’t, that had to be fucking annoying. T’Challa places his hand on Tony’s shoulder and for a moment his brain stops forming thoughts, caught off guard by the jolt T’Challa’s touch sent through his system but his brain eventually catches up. He half wants to lean into the touch and he half wants to run but he does neither, instead he just holds his position, testing the waters.
*
Shuri looked like she was about to ruin all his dreams and he did not like it. “You fed him?” she asks skeptically and he resents that. He was not that bad of a cook, he was certainly better than her considering she once burned water so she should not judge.
“I did, and it went wonderfully,” he says, edge of pride to his voice.
His sister’s smiles grows wider, “Rhodey told me that he has a bad habit of forgetting to eat, he did not like your food, he was simply starved enough to eat it,” she tells him, grinning widely at him when his smiles fades.
“Why are you like this?” he mumbles. “Would it have killed you to let me think I pleased my soul mate?”
“Yes it would,” Shuri tells him smugly, “but mostly I am caving you from embarrassing yourself later when he realizes that your food tastes like boiled hair.”
“I am disturbed that you even have that frame of reference,” he says. That is disgusting. “And my cooking it not that bad! He ate it!” he says in his own defense.
“He probably has not eaten in days, he likely would have eaten an overcooked rat if you offered it,” she says.
“This is why you are single,” he mumbles at her.
“I am single because I like being that way and I will take that over not being able to provide for my soul mate,” she taunts, snickering at his frustration.
“I can provide, thank you, even if I am the one doing the cooking. And the last time I checked Cleo’s cat litter would likely be a more appealing dish than anything you try to cook.” The last time he had the misfortune of eating her cooking he was sick for nearly a week, at least Tony was not likely to die from his cooking.
“That is not true!” she says, pressing her hand to her heart in offense.
“Is so.”
“Is not!”
“Is so.”
“Is not! Nothing compares to your cat’s stench in the litter box,” Shuri says, wrinkling her nose hard.
“Leave her alone! She has irritable bowels, she cannot help it. And I assure you; your cooking is indeed comparable. I will be sure to let Rhodey know that your food will kill him should he eat it,” he says.
“That is irrelevant information to Rhodey,” she says in a smug tone as if he had not noticed her interest in the man.
“It is if those googly eyes you make at him are any indication,” he counters.
“I do not make googly eyes at anyone! You must have lost a few brain cells and your eyesight when you located your soul mate,” she says.
“Finding Tony has not hindered my sight, Shuri, nor has it resulted in the loss of brain cells. You make googly eyes at Rhodey, accept it,” he tells her, crossing his arms and raising an eyebrow at her. He could not believe she suggested his eyesight was failing him, he could see far better now, not worse! Color was still a novel and amazing thing to him, not that Shuri knew anything about that and if she ever tried to feed her soul mate that new color would not last long. Unless she was one of the rare people who kept the color after her mate died, but he doubted it. It would serve her right for trying to feed the poor thing with her poor cooking skills anyways.
“I will accept it when you accept that you tried to murder your poor helpless soul mate when whatever you fed him earlier. You should call him a doctor so he will not die in the night,” she says dramatically.
“Oh for the love of Bast I did not try to murder him, I fed him! He is fine, at least physically,” he adds hastily. His mental health, well, that was not as good but that was completely unrelated to his cooking. That was because of the Avengers and their hypocrisy.
“Well when he drops dead I will be sure to inform Rhodey that it was your cooking that did him in,” she says, snickering at his offense as she left the room, waving over her shoulder at him. His cooking would not murder Tony. He hoped anyways…
With Shuri gone he goes through his nighttime routine, preparing for bed with only minimal worry that Tony would die sometime during the night due to his cooking. He was fine when T’Challa left him but he had managed for a few hours before Shuri’s food convinced him that Bast must exist otherwise he would have died at the hands of her shrimp. Well, he supposed he would see in the morning, and if he was lucky their bond would alert him to any discomfort Tony felt before anything… drastic happened. The bond had not failed him thus far and Tony’s ribs were healing considerably well, even with Clint’s poking at the wound.
He sets aside his worry because it was mostly unfounded and crawls into bed so he could sleep of the day’s exhaustion. Barton, at least, was dealt with and the rest of the Avengers would be relocated tomorrow afternoon. He was still half tempted to throw Barton in jail but that would do little good here, the prison system in Wakanda was designed to actually help the prisoners reintegrate into society, not further segregate then from it. Let America pick him up later and deal with him, then he could see the man suffer some even if he recognized that was vindictive and senseless. So was his strangling Tony for helping his family of all things so he felt they were even. And the rest of the Avengers would soon be out of his home and into their own space, even if he felt that was still too good for him. But Tony insisted he keep them here while he dealt with their legal processes and he would respect Tony’s wishes even if he had no desire to. The Avengers, among others, have done enough damage to Tony by dismissing his feelings and he refused to contribute to that.
At some point he must drift to sleep because he finds himself in a place that was unfamiliar to him. The room was large and cold and he did not feel comfortable there but he got the distinct impression that he could not leave. The space around him looks staged as if it was intended to be photographed for a magazine rather than serving as a home. It makes him unsure of what to do here so he simply stands there, panicked as to what his next move should be.
“Oh for god sakes, don’t just stand there like an idiot,” someone snaps and he jumps, whirling to locate the voice. He finds a man that looks remarkably like Tony standing there but he was… not the same. Howard his mind supplies and he decides he does not like him much. “Are you going to move or are you just going to stand there like a fucking fool?” the man snaps but he has no clue what he’s supposed to be doing here. Everything was too pristine to touch, there was going to be people here soon, and he didn’t know what he was allowed to do.
“Stand there like a fool I guess,” Howard mumbles harshly before he marches over. He wants to flee but his body doesn’t move until Howard grabs his arm hard, yanking him back as he walked past Tony, pulling him along far too fast for him to keep up. He struggles to get his legs back under him but he doesn’t do much of a good job and Howard only grips his arm tighter and pulls him more. Howard find a suitable piece of furniture and all but tosses Tony onto to it and it doesn’t hurt, not really, but he nearly bounces right back off before he catches himself.
“S-sorry,” Tony stutters out, quickly shuffling back onto the chair he was in.
He doesn’t even realize he was crying until Howard makes a disgusted noise, “are you fucking kidding me? Are you crying?” the man snarls and Tony does his best to stop but Howard’s taking a step closer only increases his panic. Howard grabs his face and yanks him closer, ignoring the squeak Tony lets out. “Stop your fucking crying or I’ll give you something to really cry about,” he snaps. The words do little more than frighten him more, even with his best efforts to stop the tears. “Fucking useless,” Howard says, face twisting is disgust, “Stark men don’t cry, Tony, real men are made of iron,” he growls.
The line wakes T’Challa up from the nightmare and he is sweating and breathing hard from the experience. Real men are made of iron.
Iron Man.
He quickly throws him blankets aside and makes a dash for the bathroom, making it to the toilet just in time to hurl, horrified that Tony named his super hero persona after his childhood abuse. For a moment T’Challa is upset that Howard Stark was already long dead because he would have loved to kill the man himself, but his death also meant Tony suffered at least marginally less. Perhaps not enough if he chose to create a superhero persona after something so horrible for who knows what reason.