Toronto - 02/2020
“You have to breathe, remember?” - the hands on her waist are steady - “Otherwise I cannot help you, Yelena.”
The pain is excruciating, and she can barely hear Kate’s words through the suffering clouding her brain. She can feel the tears dropping from her eyes, her hands grasping Kate’s shoulders on top of her, and her mouth hanging open after she screams.
Kate’s touch is always firm, and certain. Yelena trusts her.
“Breathe, in and out” - Kate breathes with her, easing her nerves - “I got you, okay? When you want to, we will move.”
The coldness of the ice under her is impressive, and not what she has been expecting. It was supposed to be an easy turn, easy enough for the younger ones to make, she wasn’t supposed to fall.
Another scream falls out of her mouth when Kate moves her hands up toward her ribcage.
“The students are already gone, see. Open your eyes.”
Somehow, Kate always knows what to tell her. Yelena forces her eyes open, and the pain makes her see stars around the ice ring, but true to her words, Kate has rushed the kids away from the ice and they all look at her with worried looks on their faces from stands.
“We need to move you out of the ice, Yelena.”
Yelena has been doing this for 20 years now, she knows this pain as well as she knows the palm of her hands, it has accompanied her through sleepless nights and competitions all around the world, and it won’t win over her now.
She closes her eyes again, focusing on her breathing and managing the pain the best way she can.She grips Kate’s shoulders. Focus, breathes.
“Can you sit?”
She nods her head and can tell that Kate is surprised by her never-ending focus.
“Only if you help.”
Kate nods, and Yelena feels her hands circling her waist until she is enraptured inside her arms. Held up by strong hands until she can sit on the ice, her back flushed against Kate’s chest and their hands clasped together supporting her waist.
“Good, this is great, Yelena.”
She continues to breathe, in and out. All her energy focused on managing the pain in her back, trying to control the urge to scream as Kate’s hands travel up on her ribcage until they warm up the spot she has injured all those years ago. She doesn’t flinch, and with her eyes closed she can feel the callouses inside Kate’s palm from training and studying with enough intensity to take care of broken girls like her.
“You are doing great” - she says, her voice close to her ear - “Lift your arm with me.”
They have done this same exercise many times at the clinic and Yelena lifts her right arm with practiced ease, Kate’s hand supporting her wrist and her left hand supporting her side as she turns. She moans when the pain subdues, feeling the immediate release as she touches her right hand on the ice, Kate’s touch is always strong, sure.
Kate pushes her side until they are bent, doing the exact same move Yelena can barely do on her own.
“Another time, and then we will take you out of this damned ice.”
She moves her spine as if it was never injured, Kate’s hands never leaving her. Yelena breathes out as they lift back to a standing position, her skates making it easy for Kate to pull her out of the floor.
Yelena puts her weight on Kate’s back, enjoying the silent support as the younglings come flying inside the ring.
“Ms.Belova! Ms.Belova, are you okay?”
They skate around the adults in circles, making Kate feel sick with their velocity.
“Ms.Belova will be fine. She needs to rest now, can you guys hold the gate open?”
They nod, eager to help their professor. Moving like the speed of light, a colorful cloud of pink leotards.
“I’m going to pick you up, okay?”
Yelena hates the way Kate picks her up as she weighs nothing. Hates to think back at the time she could barely eat enough food to stay up on her feet, of how important it was to stay up on her skates, of how thin she had to be so it would be easy for skating partners to throw her up in the sky. Sometimes, Yelena hates her sport.
“Just don’t fucking fall, okay?”
Yelena can sense the sarcasm in her own voice, but the pain has taken its toll on her, and she can barely think about how Kate never wears skates, claiming she feels deeply uncomfortable skating around the ring. So she walks out of the ice with Yelena in her arms at a slow speed.
Kate puts her on the floor the minute they are out of the ice, and some kids usher to help her get out of her skates. They go home wishing her a speedy recovery, and then it’s only her and Kate inside the cold ice ring.
“It has been a long time since you fell like that.”
Kate is staring at the ice ring, her back turned towards the place where Yelena is standing.
“Yes” - somehow, when they are alone Yelena’s Russian accent is always stronger - “I felt my back on the air.”
Kate sighs, her hands on either side of her body supporting her weight on the rail. Yelena can feel her anger, her desperation.
“Just like the first time, right? I will call the ortho when we get home.”
Yelena walks slowly towards Kate, circling her frame with her arms, enjoying the warmth radiating from her body.
“Harsh words for a retired athlete.”
She feels Kate breaking into her arms.
“I am not going to be able to get you up from that ice every time, you know that.”
Yelena rests her cheek on Kate’s back, feeling the softness of her sweatshirt.
“I live for the ice, even if it kills me” - she breathes in and out, feeling the weight of her statement on her tongue - “You know that.”
Kate turns inside her arms, her beautiful face looking at Yelena with a sadness one cannot compare to anything. She places her hands on Yelena’s cheek, staring down at her with big brown eyes.
“I know” - she flashes her a smile that doesn’t really meet her eyes - “Do you want to go home or to the ER?”
Yelena stands on her tiptoes, forcing their lips to meet for a chaste kiss, but it is enough for them to convey the unspoken emotions into it. It breaks her to see the tears in Kate’s eyes.
“Let’s go home. I am starving.”
—
Toronto, 01/2013
“The new PT is starting today.”
Yelena rolled her eyes, feeling the need to throw up yet again today. The same feeling she had ever since moving to Toronto, trying to move away from the Russian claws that seemed to follow her everywhere.
In Canada, things were easier but it seemed twice as hard. Having to wake up early and force a whole meal down with the coach sitting with them as they ate, accompanying every move they made for their whole day. The constant supervision and meals made Yelena feel sick all the time.
She could feel her lower back on every step toward the ice ring, the pleasant sensation of the pain was enough to center her back again. To focus on her goal.
The skates felt heavy on her hands as they arrived at the stadium, the need to skate blooming inside her veins. The girls rush towards the rail, lacing their skates with practiced ease before they notice the grey sweatshirt sitting alone on the bleachers.
From where she is, Yelena can see her short brown hair, and the ski pants she has on.
“Not a fan of the cold.”
“Poor thing, let’s give her a show then.”
The girls laugh around her, and Yelena smiles before climbing on the ice.
They spin around, laughing and waving at the new PT. It only gets serious after an hour or so, during their alone performances where the girls finally start to show off, putting on risky moves for the sake of impressing someone they yet don’t know.
Yelena almost laughs when a girl misses a step, almost falling after a grand twist that wasn’t planned for their practice of the day. Yelena doesn’t need to impress anyone, she has two gold medals beside her bed to prove her status.
She gives a few spins then, just for the sake of the exercise, and leaves the stadium quietly when everyone is greeting the PT.
She thinks everything is okay until Coach calls her out the next morning.
“Her name is Kate” - the PT, Kate stands beside him with a deep blush on her face - “And she is going to be the one who lifts you from the ground when you fall. Don’t forget that when you think about being impolite.”
Yelena knows the call is for her, but she isn’t aware of how right the coach is until she falls for the first time.
At first, she feels nothing and gets up from the ice-cold ground without a problem, it is not the first time she has fallen at a difficult turn and she is sure it won’t be the last. Kate, who watches all their practices now, gives her a clear sign to stop practicing but she denies it, claiming everything is alright. Yelena is sure the fall was a nasty one to see by the way the coach flinches when he looks at her, and the other girls stare at her as if she has just gotten back from the dead.
It all breaks at night when her body begins to relax from the stress of the day. She feels the pain inside her spine, the burning sensation going all the way from her lower back to the tip of her toes.
It is a pain she never felt before, and it leaves her desperate. She calls her coach immediately, unable to get out of bed without screaming, he appears inside her room within minutes of the call with Kate beside him.
She visibly flinches with Kate’s proximity, the heat of her hands into hers, and the warmth of her voice.
“Let me help you, Yelena” - she sounds sincere and her hair is completely tussled - “Please.”
Yelena can barely open her eyes, focusing on the sensation of Kate’s warm hands on her body. She moves with practice ease as she helps Yelena move to her back, massaging her back in a way that immediately takes the pain away and allows her to breathe.
Coach is desperate, he forces Kate to take Yelena to the medical ER where they perform a bunch of medical exams on her, placing her inside an MRI machine that looks a bit more like an alien device than an exam. Yelena forces her body to quiet, enjoying the well-known sensation of the morphine inside her veins.
The results take a long time to come. Kate stays beside her all the time, and Yelena finds herself staring back at the PT with curiosity as she drives in and out of sleep, her head supported by her hands as she tries to stay awake on the chair beside the bed.
Her hair is tamer now, and Yelena is seeing her wear glasses for the first time, they are round and small, and it fits her perfectly.
“God, I really need a Red Bull.”
Kate’s voice is deep as she stirs herself back to the living. She gets up from the chair and passes her hands through her hair, it is still short and Yelena wonders how it would feel under her fingers.
“I am going to call the coach to bring me one. Do you want anything else, Yelena?”
“I want to skate.”
It is out of her mouth before she can control it. And she can see the way Kate’s face softens.
“The best I can do is a walk down the hospital hallway” - she has a silly smile on her face, and Yelena smiles back.
She pulls the blankets away from her body as Kate gets close to her, warm hands on her shoulders as they both move to get her up on her feet, like a well-trained routine. She is up on her feet then, both of her hands around Kate’s waist as she supports herself up. She is surprised by how warm Kate really is, her hands and body feel like a furnace around her.
“We can do this both ways” - Kate tells her before they start moving - “I can stay here, in front of you or I can be by your side, you choose.”
Yelena is astonished by Kate’s statement, she looks up at the PT with surprise in her eyes. No one has ever let her choose anything regarding her care.
“I can make anything work, really” - Kate flashes her a tiny smile as if she has read the doubts in her brain and thrown them into the trash - “You are so tiny I can probably lift you before you even trip, trust me.”
Yelena feels the blush creeping into her cheeks, she is not sure Kate really knows about figure skaters being tiny. She was way tinier back in Russia, no, not really tiny, she was just too skinny.
And most of all, Yelena hates the way Kate is right. She has been training her body her whole life so it would be easy for anyone to throw her into the sky, and by the smile on Kate’s face, she is sure the other girl can pull her up without breaking a sweat.
“By the side.”
Yelena tries not to cringe at the sound of her own voice, the Russian accent stronger now at night, she hates how it makes her sound like a stereotypical Russian girl. But she enjoys seeing the doubt cross Kate’s face, figuring out the best way to move her.
“Which one?”
She forces her face to remain emotionless, enjoying the flavor of being able to choose for once.
“The right.”
Yelena slowly lets go of Kate’s waist, feeling her hands coming up to her waist and supporting her body with brute strength. She waits until Kate pulls the pole connected to her IV towards her left side, forcing her to pull it until they are walking towards the room door.
They stumble towards the hallway with ease, and Yelena is in awe as she walks without any pain, no discomfort in her back, and no trouble as she puts her whole weight on her feet.
“Ms.Belova? What are you doing outside of your bed?” - she feels the way Kate’s hands tense on her waist - “Your doctor gave you express orders to stay on bed rest during the night.”
Yelena feels like she has been caught in the middle of a crime, the nurse's voice is stern and she flinches at the scolding.
“Ms.Belova is an eighteen-year-old pro athlete who is capable of walking” - Kate says beside her, her voice rigid in a professional way Yelena has never heard before - “And the best course of treatment for a disc herniation is keeping the patient active, you and I both know that. If Ms.Belova wants to walk, she will walk.”
The nurse looks at them with a restrained expression, but Kate seemed to convince her enough to make her turn around and walk back into the nurse’s station.
They continue to walk along the hallway, silently, until Yelena feels that all her energy is drained and she can finally sleep.
“The nurse, do you think she was right?”
Kate helps Yelena lay back again, her hands on her back until her head hits the soft pillow.
“She was just doing her job and following orders” - Kate sits on the chair beside the bed and Yelena instantly misses her warmth - “But I’m the PT responsible for the olympian laying on the bed, I outrank her.”
Yelena feels the laughter eruption inside her chest, the blush running across her face, and the softness that Kate is staring at her.
—
Toronto, 04/2013
Yelena sees Kate every day now, she has been cleared to go home from the hospital and is allowed to do sessions twice a day. Coach tells her the main focus is getting back on the ice without any pain, she needs the best prognostics or otherwise, she is out of the Olympics.
Kate always has a warm smile on her face when she arrives at the clinic, raising from her chair to walk towards the entrance. Her touch is always strong, decisive, and firm, Kate’s decisions are always tough and her exercise routine is harder than Coach’s. And, somehow, it brings comfort to Yelena.
She feels in her element when things are hard, rough, and incomprehensive. Yelena thrives when she doesn’t have to think, when she only has to focus on forcing her body to bend and move in the way that is needed. That is what makes her an olympian, a gold medalist winner.
“I want to put you on the ice today” - Kate tells her, she doesn’t have her glasses on and it is almost ten in the evening - “What do you think?”
Yelena almost jumps out off the wooden floor, she craves to skate like she needs it to breathe.
“Yes!” - a pause - “Do you think I can do it?”
Kate nods, crossing her hands beneath her chin.
“Your progress is going well, I don’t see why not.”
The ring is waiting for her, as it always is. The cold of the stadium makes her feel warm, somehow, and Yelena has to fight the urge to cry.
This is what she was born to do.
But she is surprised to see Kate tying skates to her own feet, in a clumsy way as she makes her way to the gate that leads to the ring.
“What are you doing? I don’t think I have ever seen you on top of the ice.”
Kate groans as she laces the skates. Yelena can see her displeasure.
“Be prepared for a show then” - she gets up on the skates and Yelena tries to hide her amusement - “I am as good at skating as you are at weight lifting.”
“Which is none.”
Kate opens the gate, standing side by side with Yelena as they stare at the ice.
“Exactly” - Kate grabs her forearm before she can walk into the ice - “Yelena.”
Yelena turns her head to look at her, Kate’s eyes are filled with worry, and her pupils are dilated enough to let the skater see the fear in them.
“It’s normal to fall, but please” - her voice is low, desperate - “For the sake of your recovery, and mine, don’t jump today.”
Yelena nods, feeling rooted to the spot as she takes in Kate’s fears. The strong hand on her forearm, the proximity of their faces, and the raw and straightforward request the other woman has just asked of her. She can’t remember a time someone asked her not to jump.
So she nods, and the grab on her arm is gone, just like the warmth of Kate’s hold as she takes in the ice. The hardened floor is the same as ever, the feeling of the ice propelling her feels like a second home. She spins her body around the ice, feeling no pain and only happiness.
It takes her a moment to realize that Kate is still at the gate, staring at the ice.
“Not a fan of the ice indeed” - she mutters into her breath and moves towards her - “Afraid?”
“Terrified actually” - Kate’s fingers are white on the rail - “Did you know I fractured a rib falling down the ice one time at college?”
Yelena laughs, coming to face her at the gate. Yelena skates with much certainty, years of practice making sure she got the best technique there is, she pulls Kate by her hands into the ice, her feet steady as the PT struggles to maintain her basic stability on top of her skates.
“You are not gonna fall with me here” - she pulls Kate deep into the ice - “I promise.”
They twirl around the ice without any speed, just pushing and pulling until both fall, exhausted and side by side.
“Tomorrow you are back at normal training” - Kate says, her eyes closed - “You are ready and I will never get back inside this damn ice again.”
—
Moscow, 03/2014
Yelena classifies for the Olympics with an outstanding record, she gleams as Kate hugs her.
“We did it” - Kate spins them in the air, Yelena’s legs around her waist - “We fucking did it!”
She has to train even harder now, gets her measurements taken for a new leotard, and eats more strictly, Yelena is the defending champion and after her third gold.
—
Boston, 07/2014
The Olympic energy is always intense, seeing old coaches and new rivals. Yelena feels confident in her routine, and as always, she is surprised to see the age of the other Russian competitors, she is at least three years older than them.
“Jesus, they are young aren’t they?”
She hears Kate’s voice behind her, the PT is carrying most of her bags as they walk inside the stadium.
“We start young” - she feels the cold blades of the skates on her hands, no longer protected by the rubber - “Too young.”
She feels the bitter taste of competing as she looks at the girls around her. And the same doubts start to arise inside her chest, she unconsciously compares her body to the other girls, her height and weight are the things that take her off the skates and into the air. She needs to win.
The camera focuses on her, and she smiles, waving to the crowd. They have no fucking idea of what she has prepared. Yelena has the strange conscience that at nineteen she is the older figure skater competing, she feels the need to stand out.
“This might be a little too much, Yelena” - the coach tells her - “These girls can’t do this.”
Yelena sighs.
“Exactly why I need to do it, it is my chance of standing out!”
Coach looks at Kate, she seems to be connected to Yelena these days.
“I think it is a great idea, no one will be expecting the Russian doll to perform something like this.”
Coach nods.
“Let’s do it then.”
When she enters the ice, music starts to pump out of the speakers, the well-known beat of NIN Closer filling in the stadium as she begins to twirl around the ring. Gathering enough energy to propel her body across the ice and into the air as she twists: one, two, and three times before landing steadily on her feet.
Yelena forces her body into yet another triple twist, turning around on her own axis with perfection one can only gather with years of practice. She kneels and dances with enough strength to break the ice.
Before coming to Canada, Yelena thought that figure skating was a sport to be won with little weight and countless hours of practice that would turn her into a robot who could perform spins without falling, without losing her balance. Now, she thinks that figure skating is a sport made to be won with your brain, if you can connect your body and your mind to work together in perfect union there is nothing you can’t do.
The music is about to end, and now the hard part is almost over. If she lands this turn perfectly, she will take home the gold, no matter how light the other girls are. Yelena pictures the pain she felt when she first fell, the necessary strength she needs to pull this spin with perfection.
She turns and places her weight on her right leg, just enough strength on her hips to push her into the sky. And she twirls, for her, it happens in slow motion as she turns, legs connected together and hands clutched to her chest, she lands on her right foot with a pang to her chest.
Yelena doesn’t fall, she finishes her routine with perfection and skates outside the ice with a wide smile stamped on her face. Kate waits for her with open arms, a smile on her face.
“I can’t walk anymore” - she says into her ears, her voice barely a whimper - “Don’t let the others see.”
Kate’s hands on her waist carry most of her weight out of her foot and into the hold. She places her arm on top of Kate’s shoulders, turns her face, and waves at the crowd, a big smile on her face.
Yelena won the gold, but she cannot go up to pick up her medal.
Yelena leaves the stadium on a stretcher, hand in hand with Kate, and a fractured lumbar vertebra.
She is operated on by the best neurosurgeon in the USA and sent back home without a prognosis that allows her to skate again.
—
Toronto, 01/2015
Yelena Belova and the inevitable retirement.
The most famous figure skater in the world has forcibly said goodbye to the professional competition league due to intense low back pain associated with her spine injury at Boston’s winter Olympics. Belova assures the public she is working on herself and taking care of her health before thinking about coming back to the ice.
“The need to skate runs in my veins, but now my body forces me to listen to its most basic needs.” - the athlete wrote in an Instagram post last week.
This sad news adds to the growing amount of professional figure skaters who have to quit the sport because of career-ending injuries. So, dear reader, I ask: for how long are we going to let young women and men destroy their bodies and mental health for the sake of their performance in sports?
—
Toronto, 04/2015
“Do you think I can do it?”
Kate nods, and she types on her computer with much speed.
“I think you can do anything, Yelena” - the skater smiles, feeling the blush on her cheeks as she lays her face on the pillow - “I have never seen an athlete with such a hellbent focus on their goals.”
Kate turns around in her chair, looking at Yelena’s small body.
“You got back into your skates a month after the accident. If you want to open a studio, do it. God knows you have the determination to do it.”
Kate raises from her chair, coming to sit beside Yelena on her bed.
“Are you going to sleep here?”
But Yelena doesn’t respond, merely turning her body around and allowing Kate enough space for her to lie on her own bed.
—
Toronto, 05/2015
“So, in reality, when we are working with professional athletes at an Olympic level we are really working with workaholics.”
Yelena almost feels bad for knocking and walking inside Kate’s room, her head poking through the door opening with a sorry face.
“Can I stay here?”
Kate apologizes for the camera before turning her head towards Yelena.
“Yes, of course”- her face is filled with worry - “Is everything okay?”
Yelena can see the tiny faces looking at Kate through the monitor with curiosity, college students from the University of Toronto who requested a lecture from the Olympic committee. She shivers, thinking about how excited these students must be to simply hear her voice.
“Yeah.”
Kate nods, and turns her attention back to her computer, as Yelena walks towards her bed. The lecture goes on, and it makes her happy to hear Kate’s laugh. She stirs awake when she feels the movement on the bed, Kate’s warm hands on her waist.
“Hey.”
“Hey, what time it is?”
Yelena’s Russian accent is hard as she moves inside Kate’s hold, her voice heavy with sleep.
“I don’t really care.”
Yelena smiles, trying to remember how she started to sleep in Kate’s bed. It started after the operation, losing nights to her pain as she tried to find a way to feel comfortable inside her bed, only to end up calling Kate to help her. Sleepless nights where she could only find some comfort in Kate’s warm hands massaging her body, forcing her pain to disappear.
She can feel Kate start to rest behind her, her arms starting to weigh on Yelena’s waist as she dozes off.
“They offered me a permanent seat at the university” - Yelena gasps, surprised by the ease in Kate’s voice - “When you leave, I will leave.”
“What are we doing, Kate?”
The question slips off her lips before Yelena can think about it, but the urgency in her voice conveys many emotions.
“I don’t know” - Kate whispers in her ear - “Living, and falling in love, I guess.”
Now, Yelena thinks, she knows what is the real texture of Kate’s hair underneath her fingers as she caresses her head. She knows the sound of her laughter and just how simple things can be.
She turns around on Kate’s hold, face inches apart as she feels the warmth of her breathing.
Yelena passes a tentative finger on Kate’s eyebrow, caressing her face until she lays her hand on her cheek. She moves slowly, allowing herself to taste the choice she is making as she presses her lips into Kate’s for a tentative kiss.
Her lips are moist and warm across her own, as they dance in a routine Yelena is sure she will dominate until the end of the night.
—
Toronto, 01/2017
Yelena takes in the ice, she is twenty-one now and has more experience in skating than a lot of the young girls who look up to her. She has students to care for now, routines to practice, and girls to shape to their best.
She has three gold medals that lay in a frame, suspended on top of the mirrors of the wooden floor studio where little girls learn to spin for the first time. They look up at her and see the medals, she doesn’t need to show off.
She is closing in, it is night outside, and the ever-pleasant pain in her lower back accompanies her as she turns most of the lights off. Yelena hears the distance bell ringing, a classic.
“Sorry, we are closed.”
She turns around to see Kate standing there in front of her studio, her jacket heavy with the snow that falls outside. Big bold red letters cross her chest CANADA. They haven’t seen each other in months, ever since Kate crossed the world to assist the Canada figure skating team.
“My contract with the Olympic committee is over” - she says, and Yelena can hear the tiredness in her voice - “I just signed the deal with the University of Toronto.”
Yelena feels rooted to the spot, Kate was supposed to get home in a month now.
“What are you doing here? I was supposed to pick you up from the airport!”
Kate laughs and drops her bags on the floor, she crosses the room within seconds to pull Yelena into her arms.
“Nothing can keep me away from you.”
Yelena feels like she can breathe for the first time in weeks now, Kate carries her warmth like a second coat and she finally feels warm.