‘Everything special about you came out of a bottle!’
“Hey Cap, Bruce is plating up dinner! It’s that curry thing you really like, so I thought I’d give you a heads up before it was all gone.”
Steve smiles tiredly at Clint, before shaking his head, “Thanks Clint, but I’m going to have to take a rain-check. I’m not really hungry just yet.”
The archer looks surprised, “But you love curry and besides, it’s team-bonding dinner night! You never miss one of those!”
“I’m just tired Clint, still recovering from that fall last week.”
When Clint still looks hesitant, he puts on what he hopes is his best reassuring smile and says, “Tony has the place well-stocked, you know that. If I get hungry later, I’ll grab something from the kitchen.”
“Well, alright Cap. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
He waves at Clint and lets the smile drop right off his face.
It’s not that he’s not hungry, it’s just that he can’t eat. Not right now at least.
His head’s beginning to throb because of the lack of food and he feels a sort of weary exhaustion wading through his veins. Letting his eyes drift shut, he hopes that when he wakes up, it’ll be nothing more than a bad dream.
It’s probably about two hours later, although it feels like more, when he’s woken up by a pressure on the other side of the bed. He jerks upright and curses because his weak eyesight can’t make out much in the dark. But he can smell Tony’s cologne, strong and heady, mixed in with the scent of motor oil. He’d been in his lab today, Steve realises, that’s why he hadn’t seen the inventor around as much.
As he struggles to focus on the other man, Tony says softly, “JARVIS, can you get the lights please?”
He scowls when the room gets lit up, “I could manage just fine without them.”
“I know you could, but I thought it’d be better that you could actually see what you were eating.” And then Steve catches sight of what Tony’s brought with him. On the night stand there’s a plate with what looks like a bowl of curry and some bread. There’s also some fruit and a glass of water by the side.
All at once he feels happy and ill at the same time.
“Thanks Tony,” he tries, “But I’m really not hungry.”
“You haven’t eaten anything the whole day babe, and don’t try and fool me. I asked JARVIS whether you’d had anything besides water.”
“You were spying on me?”
Tony scowls, “Well apparently you weren’t going to tell me the truth! Besides, don’t act like you haven’t done the same thing when you were worried about me.” Then his voice softens and he settles back against the headboard next to Steve. “Are you still feeling ill? Because if that’s it, we can always take a look at the dosage of the medications again, you know that.”
“No, it’s fine Tony. Honestly, I guess I was just tired today and needed to rest. I’ll…I’ll eat some of it.”
The bright smile on Tony’s face soothes some of the clawing nausea at the pit of his stomach and he tries to eat at least half of what’s in his plate.
Two months ago, they’d been on a mission in the Siberian wastelands, when he’d been hit by some strange beam that had reversed the effects of the serum. While Dr. Strange had assured them that the effects were temporary, it meant that’d he needed to relearn how to use his old body. He could barely climb a flight of stairs now without wanting to hack up a lung and he was allergic to almost everything.
Modern medicine was a marvel he had decided. It had stopped him from turning blue in the face when he had an asthma attack and meant that he didn’t need to go to the hospital every time he accidentally ate something he was allergic to. It also meant that he could get himself a hearing aid so he could actually hear out of his left ear.
Bucky hadn’t been too thrilled when he’d found out about the change. But he’d almost immediately stepped into his old role of looking after Steve, mother-henning him to a point where Steve had threatened to lock him out of his room. They had reliable heating for a change, and access to medication.
He wasn’t going to die anytime soon.
But it didn’t stop Bucky from going to Tony and running through a long list of potential ways in which Steve Rogers could and probably would, hurt himself.
Tony had been worried when the beam had hit him. He’d hurtled through the air, skidding to a stop on the ground next to Steve and tried to wake him up almost semi-hysterically until Steve had groggily told him that he was fine and him trying to ruin what little functioning he had left in his ears was rude.
But the man had handled the situation far better than anyone had expected him to, and he’s essentially ‘Steve-proofed’ their room. By the time he’s out of the med-bay, all the blankets and covers, towels and toiletries in their room were replaced by hypoallergenic materials. There’s a state-of-the-art hearing aid on the dresser, a pair of reading glasses and clothes hanging up that fit his new (old?) body.
Over the coming week, he walks Steve through using inhalers and Epi-pens and he’s suddenly struck by just how much he loves Tony, because he’s taking so much trouble to look after him.
At first, he’s fairly optimistic, after all, it can’t be permanent. Because there’s no way that Dr. Strange is wrong. But as time passes, he realises with a growing frustration that this might be for the long haul. Suddenly, he has to get accustomed to things he thought he’d never have to think about again.
And just like that he realises, he can’t be Captain America any longer.
It hits him when Tony’s off on a mission with the other Avengers. He’d been benched for fairly obvious reasons and as he sits in Tony’s lab, playing with DUMMY, it strikes him that he’s no good to anyone like this.
He asks Sam to take over the mantle, at least until they know if there’s any chance of him returning to normal again.
He tries to be helpful, helping Coulson out with projects and helping Tony out in the lab where he can, but as time passes, he starts to feel unsure of himself.
Because he’s not Captain America anymore.
He’s just Steve Rogers.
And no one likes scrawny old Steve Rogers.
He doesn’t think the others pick up on his growing frustration, but sometimes it feels like he’s sinking and he can’t pull himself up. The others treat him with kid gloves, even Peter looks at him different.
Which is when he starts worrying about how this will affect his relationship with Tony.
He remembers what the others had told him, how Tony had a crush on Captain America when he was younger, how he’d idolised the hero and had his posters in his room.
He remembers what Tony had once whispered filthily in his ear, how the first time he’d ever gotten himself off, it was to a Captain America poster.
And most of all, he remembers what Tony had told them when they’d first met.
Because, he’s not Captain America anymore. So why would Tony want to be his lover anymore?
Once that seed’s planted in his head, he can’t help but wonder why the others are still putting up with him. As he sees it, he’s pretty useless from any viewpoint.
So he throws himself into his work, forcing himself to be as productive as he can, to earn his keep. When he’s not filling out paperwork for the others, he’s training in the gym, hoping against all hope that he’ll be able to bulk up at least a little.
Sometimes, he imagines that Tony’s looking at him with pity in his eyes, but he knows that’s not true. Tony’s tried, on multiple occasions, to get Steve to go on dates with him or to do more than just cuddle, but Steve’s cut him off each time. It’ll be a cold day in hell before he lets Tony see him without a shirt on.
But Tony’s not a genius for nothing and he’s caught on. He notices the way that Steve avoids looking at mirrors, how he’s begin to shut himself away from the others and hide himself away from Tony. And it hurts because Steve doesn’t deserve any of this. Tony understands not being comfortable with yourself, heck aside from Steve and Pepper, none of his lovers have ever seen him without a shirt, but at the same time, he wishes there was some way that he could reassure Steve.
He’s still in love with the hot-headed idiot no matter what size he comes in. Honestly, he found himself more endeared with the other man in light of the recent events, because there’s something about the way he stands up for what he believes in, even though a strong breeze could blow him over, that makes Tony unbearably fond. He always sort of understood why Steve was chosen for the Super Soldier project, it was hard not to, with the fact that Steve was the epitome of “All-American Hero”. But in moments like these, Tony sees the hero his father had never stopped talking about, the spirit that had given so many people hope during the war.
He just wished that Steve could see it too.
Watching Steve pick at his food, he frowns. It’s been like this for the whole week. Steve’s barely been eating and he spends most of his time shut up in their room. It worries him, because every time he turns around, he feels like another part of Steve’s vanished. He didn’t even think it was possible for Steve to get skinner than he was before. He’s voiced his fears to Barnes, because he’s the only person who Steve might listen to.
But Bucky admits what Tony’s been afraid of, this is worse than anything they’ve had to deal with before. Because now Steve’s had his happiness and dreams and hopes yanked out from under him and there’s no way for them to be sure if he’ll ever get them back again.
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Steve curl up on himself, as though he can’t face the others. He wishes there was some way to make Steve realise that this hasn’t changed his feelings at all, but it’s hard, because words have never been his strong forte.
He watches like a hawk until Steve eats and then he curls up next to Steve, ignoring the way the slighter man stiffens.
“So I’m thinking of taking a long bath, break out those bath salts that Nat got us. But I’m thinking, I’d get awfully lonely all by myself.” He waggles his eyebrows in the most ridiculous way he could manage, but he only manages to get Steve to crack a small smile at him.
“I’m too tired for it, maybe later.”
His smile falters, but he quickly fixes it. He cheerfully assures Steve he’ll be back in bed before he knows it, and he gathers up the bowls and plate before heading out. He’s got one foot out the door before he hears Steve say softly, “You don’t need to come back here Tony. I know you’d rather be in your lab.”
Freezing, he turns around and asks shell-shocked, “What are you talking about?”
A bitter smile on his lips, Steve replies, “Come on Tony, you don’t have to pretend. I know this isn’t what you signed up for when you said you’d go out with me.”
“Steve you can’t actually be serious. You know that I’m not going to break up with you because you look different don’t you?”
“This isn’t just a small change though is it? Captain America is gone.”
It feels like Tony’s been sucker-punched because he’s never thought Steve would feel insecure about something like that.
He makes his way back to the bed and sits down next to Steve, gently placing his hands on Steve’s cheeks, rubbing his thumbs along his jaw, forcing him to listen to what he has to say.
“Captain America seems to have taken a slightly longer than expected leave of absence. And even if it turns out that it’s longer than temporary, that’s not the biggest of my concerns. Because as it happens, I’m not dating Captain America. I’m dating Steve Rogers. And believe it or not, I still love him. Yes, you absolute dolt, you look different and there are some things which are going to change, I’m hardly going to pretend everything’s exactly the same. But I love you just the way you are and oddly enough, I still find you plenty attractive.”
When Steve still looks somewhat unconvinced he says, “You know, you’ve never complained once about the arc reactor or the scars on my chest. I’m not particularly proud of those. And you’ve never once said anything about my grey hair. Not to mention the fact that I’m the least fit member of the Avengers. While I make up for my lack in abs by being suave and dashing, it doesn’t mean I don’t feel a little less than confident every so often. But you’ve never once let me feel that you didn’t love me.”
“That’s because I do love you!” Steve bursts out, “And because I think you’re gorgeous. To me the scars you have and the arc reactor are just a part of you! They’re a part of your history and they’re a part of who you are. They remind me of how strong you are, why would I ever think less of you because of them?”
“Exactly.” Tony says. “Did it ever occur to you that I feel the same way about you?”
From the way that Steve’s face ducks down shamefacedly, it’s evident he didn’t. And Tony remotely thinks back to what Bucky’s told him before, about how no one had ever paid him any attention before the serum. “It took the serum for people to see what Dr. Erskine and I always saw,” Barnes had said, smiling fondly at his friend.
“We’re a real pair aren’t we?” Tony says, leaning forward, letting his forehead lean against Steve’s. The smaller man relaxes against him slowly, before asking, “Tony… don’t you think I’m kind of useless like this?”
“Is this about the serum again? Because in case you haven’t noticed, I don’t have any fancy super powers myself and I’m still here for some reason.”
“It’s just what you said before, everything good about me came from a bottle.”
“I was an idiot. We both were. That was when we met and we were both angry fools who were insecure about our places on the team. You and I both know better than that now. And the serum didn’t make you a brilliant strategist. That’s all you, and don’t you dare try and convince me otherwise. I saw that manoeuvre you helped Widow make the other day. Besides, it’s like dad always said, you were chosen for the project because of your indomitable spirit. And as much as I dislike agreeing with him, in this case even I have to admit, he was right. Look if this thing doesn’t wear off, I can always make a suit for you, and we can train together or something. But for now, I just really miss my boyfriend.”
Steve snuggles into Tony, “I guess I sort of missed you too.”
“You guess huh?”
“Don’t push it.”
It’s rocky over the next few weeks, things don’t magically fall into place and Tony has to strike a balance between protecting Steve and coddling him. But they start working it out, and one day Steve shyly admits that it’s not terrible being smaller than Tony. He might sometimes like cuddling into the older man while they’re watching a movie, and being the little spoon isn’t the most terrible thing in the world. Besides that, Tony realises, for the first time, Steve’s not carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. He tells Tony when he gets tired, he lets the other know when he’s feeling sad or unhappy.
Tony wouldn't be mad if they continued this even after Steve got the serum back.
He blinks when a piece of popcorn bounces off his forehead.
“Ow. That was uncalled for cruelty.” He complains.
Steve grins at him and Tony has to take a breath, because Steve looks gorgeous. He’s not trying to hide anymore and he’s taking care of himself. He’s wearing one of Tony’s shirts which hangs up to his mid-thigh and a pair of leggings that Natasha had got for him. They cling to his legs in a way that makes Tony want to peel them off.
“You’re not paying attention. I refuse to watch this documentary again because you didn’t catch every single detail you wanted to.”
Sticking his tongue out, he grabs some popcorn, “I may have had a lapse in judgement. In retrospect, there are a couple of things that we could be doing that would be a lot more interesting than this documentary.”
Pretending to be horrified, Steve puts a hand to his chest, “Why Mr. Stark, whatever are you insinuating?”
Reaching down to grab the remote, he turns the TV off and places the bowl of popcorn on the table in front of them. He presses Steve down to the couch, bracketing him in his arms in a way that Steve’s admitted makes him feel a bit hot under the collar.
“I’m not insinuating anything, Mr. Rogers.” He says, nipping at the sensitive point on Steve’s collar bone and watching as it forms a small bruise before placing a soft kiss there. “I’m stating that I’d very much like to peel those leggings off of you and then have my way with you.”
With a put-upon sigh of suffering, Steve loops his arms around Tony’s neck, “Well, I suppose if you insist.”
It’s taken some time, but Tony’s got Steve to be a little more accepting of his old body and now that he’s more comfortable, Tony’s readier to initiate their encounters. But even then, he always watches out for even the slightest sign of discomfort, the slightest indication that Steve might not be happy with what they’re doing.
Tonight, he finds none.
Smiling, he presses a kiss to Steve’s lips, laughing when Steve bites at his lower lip. They may not have found a cure for the serum just yet, but there are other, equally important things that they can fix.
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