Love, lay me down under grass & sunlight, and touch me [right here] and here and here, where the ache and hurt have gone to nest.
Now again my fingers will find yours, tangle and sweeten the air, and the birds will cry for us alone.
- Sappho
——————
When Hu Tao trudges home late on some days, she can’t help but admire Liyue Harbour and all it’s little details
With the end of Spring just rounding the corner, the cusp of winter slowly creeping up on the citizens of Liyue, Hu Tao finds that she’s appreciating everything a little more. Everything is fleeting anyway, everything is temporary, at least in her mortal life.
So she lingers a little longer in the glaze lilies, spends a little more time with Zhongli when there’s free time, goes on more outings with Xingqiu and Chongyun, playfully makes new games with Yunjin. She drifts amongst her friends and stares at the beauty of a colder season, the snow and the frost. Because everything in life will slip from her grasp someday. One day this familiarity will be a mere memory.
Winter always made her feel this way. The cold brought more deaths than ever. It was the season of destruction and collapse. Trees lost their pretty green leaves, flowers wilted sadly, animals hid away from the frigid snow fall. Life seemed barely present.
Perhaps this was the season Hu Tao should be most grateful for. More death, more business after all. She still remembers last winter, the reluctant families, the grieving mothers, the oblivious children.
And the ghosts that whispered of their frozen hearts.
But there’s a sort of sadness that lingers amongst the harbour, none of that usual cheer and pep in Hu Tao’s step comes out. It feels ever so difficult to keep up her pranks and mischief, it seems her chaos is a lot less appreciated in winter.
But would you not rather a fiery warmth to keep you satiated in the blizzards rather than a mere flicker of an ember? Would you rather not smiles and laughter than gloom and sorrow?
Human beings had a strange nature of being anyway.
Nevertheless, she tries. And that’s what matters.
Today she skips home, humming her usual melody that crooned of hilichurls and spirits. Her shoes clacked against the pavement that lined the harbour. People stared on at her with withering gazes, gazing at her like she were a freak, an anomaly to society. She pretends not to notice anyway. The brisk scent of winter and harsh nip of the cold was enough to distract her.
She finds herself wandering to one of her two favourite places. That being Yanfei’s house.
Hu Tao always loved Yanfei’s home. No matter the day, what was brought on or what she endured. Yanfei’s home was a safe haven, a sanctuary that held all the tender memories formed over the years.
(Yanfei’s home may as well be called Hu Tao’s as well. The bed always seemed to be occupied by two anyways.)
Using the spare key Yanfei had graciously bestowed to her months ago, she cracks open the door with relative ease.
“YanYan! I’m home!” Hu Tao calls out from her spot on the frayed mat, slipping off her shoes and stepping into the silent house. It’s not until she hears the distant clatter of thick books and hurried footsteps does she dare to giggle.
“Tao!” Yanfei emerges from down the hall, hair slightly tousled. She immediately wraps Hu Tao up into a loving embrace, squeezing her so tightly that the air is simply sucked right from her lungs, “Hey!”
“Ack! Hello to you too!” Hu Tao giggles at the clingy girl, head of silky pink bouncing back and force as she continues to cling onto Hu Tao.
“I’ve still got some work to do but as soon as I’m done I’ll come relax with you.” Yanfei declares, finally straightening and adjusting Hu Tao’s hat, her slender fingers moving deftly. Hu Tao frowns slightly at this.
“You’re still working?” Hu Tao pouts, trodding along behind the girl as they traverse through the hallways, “It’s wayyy too late for that.”
“I know, but I just really need to finish this! I have a few documents and I need to revise this case—“
Hu Tao has an idea. Swiftly, she snatches the legal advisor’s hand and drags her a different direction, down to their shared bedroom instead.
“Ah! Tao, what are you—“
“You work too hard, Ms Legal Advisor.” Hu tao teases once more, still dragging Yanfei through her own home like she was the own who owned the place. She practically did, knew the place by the back of her hand, knew every secret, from corner to corner.
Hu Tao stops in front of a very familiar door and pushes it open, stepping inside of the room.
Their bedroom. Their bed. Their home.
(It used to just be Yanfei’s. Yanfei’s bedroom, Yanfei’s bed, Yanfei’s home, but slowly she’s found that sharing seemed to make everything seem a little better. The sheets were softer and the food was sweeter. Hu Tao brings magic that Yanfei can never rival.)
Hu Tao let’s go finally, making her way across the room and towards the smaller door. When she creaks it open, it’s pitch dark inside. Despite that, Yanfei has a slight suspicion over what Hu Tao is about to suggest.
“What exactly are we doing?” Yanfei cocks her head to the side to express her confusion. She stands a ways away, staring at Hu Tao as she strips off her jacket in the bathroom’s doorway.
“We’re going to take a bath!” She grins, flinging her jacket up on a golden hook above the door, “Come on, don’t be shy!”
Yanfei only rolls her eyes, following suit.
She could never resist that girl’s tricks and charms, could she?
—
All of the day’s tensions come rolling out of their muscles as soon as they sink into the bath.
It’s a silent ordeal, the only noise being that of the water sloshing across the sides as the two entered. It’s peaceful, tranquil. Hot steam rolls off the walls, the water’s heavenly warm, and the air had that slight tinge of the scent of silk flowers that drifted in between clouds of steamy fog.
Baths between the two weren’t necessarily common, yet they were appreciated all the same. Quiet moments where the two aren’t working are rare, with Yanfei being one of the most renowned legal advisors in all of Liyue and Hu Tao running and managing the WangSheng Funeral Parlour ever since she was young, the two were most definitely busy a lot of the time. Free time for them was cherished beyond belief.
“I’m a little sad that winter’s coming so soon.” Yanfei suddenly says, shattering the silence carefully built between them. Like glass splintering into millions of tiny pieces.
Hu Tao’s a bit taken aback by the statement. Maybe it was the familiarity of it, she was just reminiscing of it earlier. Perhaps Yanfei had read her mind, “That makes two then.”
Yanfei quirks a curious eyebrow, “Oh? Well now I want to know your reasoning.”
“Well, you know how death brings in more business?” Hu Tao muses, absentmindedly tracing shapes over Yanfei’s bare thighs. Yanfei nods mutely, “That should technically mean that I like Winter, right?”
Yanfei nods again, turning her full gaze onto the girl herself, dark hair damp and droplets of bathwater slinking down her face. Yanfei doesn’t respond with the usual grimace or the quirk of a curious eyebrow. She understands her quirks, her business, her humour. Doesn’t question her weird means of wording things or going about her day. It was Hu Tao’s life after all. Not hers.
“Well, I don’t for some reason. Everything is so much more, depressing. Everything hides away and, I don’t know, everything just feels more fleeting. Like it’ll all slip away with the snow.”
Yanfei hums, letting the words soak in with the rest of the soapy bubbles surrounding her, “I get that. You don’t want it to fade.”
Hu Tao nods. It’s all she can manage.
There’s a lot unsaid between the sentences. Just what is Hu Tao so afraid of losing? Her business? Her friends?
Her lover?
After a few minutes, she whispers again. So quiet you barely pick it up.
“Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll lose myself in the seasons.”
Yanfei stays silent. Ever the listener.
“It just, it get’s a lot harder to be myself. Something about winter drains me, haha…”
Even the laugh comes out half-hearted. Exhaustion seeps into her brain as she sinks further in the murky water, translucent due to the dissipating soap. She slips far enough into the bath for her mouth to be submerged into water, bubbles forming from her trapped breath. Slowly, she lets the water swirl in her open mouth.
“Hmm, I suppose people do lose their usual spark in this season.” Yanfei muses, staring distantly at some random spot on the wall, “but they never really lose it. I guess, it’s just hiding for a bit. Maybe the winter makes it harder for it to slip out.”
“You make it sound like a poor caged animal.” Hu Tao pouts. Although, Yanfei is right, perhaps the chill freezes their ribs so cold to the point they’re like rigid structures, like bars of a prison. And the warmth of your soul can’t help but be stung by the frigid touch.
Yanfei laughs at Hu Tao, relieved to find at least a little humour still in her, “I didn’t mean to make it sound so morbid.”
“Yeah yeah, whatever.” She grins, splashing a bit of water Yanfei’s way. She shrieks, playfully splashing some back.
“So what are your reasons Fei?” Hu Tao questions. Yanfei casts a confused look before coming to a realisation.
“Ah, my reason sounds a lot less serious than yours though…” She trails off, cheeks tinting pink.
“Oh? I still want to hear though!” Hu Tao waits patiently, staring intently at the girl.
“…I think it’s the cold.” Yanfei finally submits, “It puts me into work slumps.”
Hu Tao chuckles at that, “those are the worst.”
“I know right!” She grumbles, “It’s like the chill settles into my joints and makes me more clumsy, do you think it’s because we’re Pyro users?”
Hu Tao ponders a bit, “Maybe, I mean, Chongyun absolutely loathes anything hot and he’s a Cryo user. Although, maybe that’s just his sensory issues…”
Yanfei hums in agreement, shutting her eyes close. Hu Tao does the same, lets the world and love surround her carefully into a intricately crafted blanket that shields her. She wants to be enraptured in it forever.
“Tao, I’ll never let you lose yourself.” Yanfei whispers quietly into the night. It’s a vow she intends to keep.
Hu Tao smiles in return, “Thank you, love.”
-
They finish up their bath, letting the water slink away into the metal drain. Drying up in fluffy towels, hair still dripping damp and bodies thoroughly warmed.
And there she is now, tucked under the crooks of Yanfei’s arms, completely enveloped in syrupy affection that melts over her entire being. Some ghosts would tease her for indulging in something so temporary. Death sneaks up on a person, why spend your time on frivolous things?
Hu Tao doesn’t think they understands the sheer, addiction that is the feeling of love. Maybe they don’t remember their mortal life. It’s always the cranky ones anyways.
“Love is a strange thing.” Hu Tao suddenly speaks up. The covers sting on her legs for odd reasons, she feels ever so cold yet so warm at the same time. Did she not just take a bath?
“Hm?” Yanfei hums, giving her opportunity to continue.
“I mean that, it’s so uncertain right?” Hu Tao begins, “Love can end just like that, it comes and it goes, it breaks and it repairs. How are you meant to find comfort in that?”
“And I know I’m meant to be okay with change. I mean, my main gig is death! Death is on of if not the most uncertain thing in Teyvat! It comes and goes, and yet I’m fine with that and not love?”
“Is there something wrong with me?”
She doesn’t mean it to come out so gloomy and harsh, so self-deprecating. But the thoughts are such casual things now that Hu Tao can’t control the onslaught of words that tumble out of her mouth. She didn’t mean to dump it onto Yanfei. Really, she didn’t.
But now its out in the open, and now she really wants to know. Is there really something wrong with her?
On a deeper level, she knows very well that is true. Everybody has something wrong with them. But she can’t help but feel there is something a little more wrong with her than anyone else.
I mean honestly, who walks around giving out discounts for coffins and hunting for new clients to send off? Who goes around the streets with a wide grin on their face as people stare on at them with looks of loathing and disgust?
Who loves in such a weird, peculiar way?
Hu Tao doesn’t love like everyone else, with gentle compliments and soft gazes. She can at times, but her love comes more in the form of a wild thing. Something uncontainable and devastatingly more vague and blurry. She teases the ones she loves, she ropes them into her pranks, she proclaims to them about her business. She doesn’t outright say what she feels, rather, she winds around it, she tries to finds the subtlest ways to put her point across without being too vulnerable. Yet she frustrates herself when they don’t understand. Its a method of self-sabotage.
When her siblings grant her acts of service, all she can do in return is playfully ruffle their hair in thanks. When she meets someone new she desperately wants to befriend so badly, all she can muster up is her phone business personality, handing out coupons and offering discounts. When she tries to give a gift to someone she loves, she ends up only shoving it in their hands before hurriedly rushing away before she could see their reaction, proclaiming she’s a busy woman.
The thing is, she doesn’t love the same as everyone else.
And is that okay to even begin with?
“There is nothing wrong with you. Just the world and the people within.” Yanfei murmurs, “They’ve built such complicated standards we have to adhere by. What good does that do?”
“Well why did they make love so fragile then?!” Hu Tao cries out, “Does it not hurt?”
“Hm.” Yanfei hums slightly, Hu Tao can feel her throat vibrating under her head.
“That is complicated. But I reckon it’s okay.” Yanfei says finally, a soft smile gracing her lips.
“How so?”
“Love is uncertain yes, and sometimes it’ll hurt you.” Yanfei starts slowly, “It’s a very fragile thing. But it can be beautiful once you achieve it. Aren’t you enjoying our time together? Is that not all worth it?”
Yes, God yes does she enjoy her time with Yanfei. Nobody else understands her like Yanfei does. When she sheepishly slinks up to her office around midday muttering about some run in with the Millelith, Yanfei only scolds her lovingly while preparing to make a trip down to their headquarters for talk. When Hu Tao rambles on about some ghost who refuses to be cooperative and is all but nice to he, Yanfei only listens intently, head resting in the palm of her hand as she watches Hu Tao explain her adventures animatedly. When she desperately begs Yanfei to join her on a prank, she eventually caves and follows along, getting them out of trouble when it comes to track them down.
Yanfei knows her, understands her, puts up with her.
And she loves her back. Maybe with her own quirky ways but she loves her nonetheless.
“Of course I am,” Hu Tao pouts, “You’re all I’ve ever asked for.”
“Then what is it you’re so worried about love?” Yanfei asks concernedly, “you still seem troubled.”
Hu Tao thinks quietly. Its the thought that has been on the forefront of her mind since her walk home.
If everything in Winter is fleeting, them maybe so is love.
“What if our love breaks?” Hu Tao chokes out. It’s the thought she doesn’t even want to consider. It’s the thought she wishes never existed in the first place. It’s the thought that lingers in the very backs of her mind.
She loves Yanfei. So much. Too much. She would bun for her, wither away, torture herself just to feel the slight ray of Yanfei’s being. Adepti or not, Yanfei is always the brightest thing that lights up the whole of Liyue, hell, even the whole of Teyvat. Yanfei is her everything.
And that’s what makes their love more fragile. She is a human being incapable of loving normally. And Yanfei is the sun.
Two differing forces bound to be apart.
She wants so badly to Yanfei’s, for their love to be eternal and everlasting. But she, of all people, knows the inevitability of things. Everything fades. The flowers, the trees, one day even the entirety of Liyue Harbour will have crumbled to dust and be nothing but the mere dirt people tread upon.
So unfortunately, their love will end eventually too.
“Don’t say that,” Yanfei fires back, squeezing her tighter, “It never will.”
“What if one day you find me too much?” Hu Tao sniffles, “Will you start looking forward to winters instead of dreading them? I’m quieter, softer, in those seasons. You know, less annoying—“
“Don’t.” Yanfei cuts her off, shaking her head vigorously, “I hate the cold, I hate winter, and I hate when you say those things about yourself.”
Hu Tao feels hot, shameful tears roll down her cheeks.
When Hu Tao cries, it isn’t a loud thing, nor is it ugly or snot-filled. It is a quiet whisper. Tears roll down her face as her lip trembles, and all she can manage are tiny, measly squeaks as she curls into a ball. It is quite the opposite of her usual self.
In a feeble attempt to wipe her tears away, she tries to pull away from Yanfei’s grasp, wrench herself from the very arms she loves so dearly.
(She has counted every freckle, traced every scar, kissed every mole on her arm, she has examined and observed every bit of Yanfei’s body, yet she can’t find a single flaw. Not one.)
Yet Yanfei, forever the soothing force that calms her down, Just gently moves her arms away to cup her face and slowly thumb away the tears. Her rough fingers feel soft against her face. Her smile feels as warm as ever.
“Will you love me forever?” Hu Tao whispers, so softly and faintly.
“For as long as I possibly can. Til the end of the universe, til I am nothing but a speck of dust on this earth, I will love you.” Yanfei coos back, dotting light kisses across the bridge of her nose and the rise of her cheeks.
“Sometimes I wonder what I’ve done to deserve you.”
Yanfei simply places one of the softest, gentlest kisses on the crown of Hu Tao’s head, so full of affection and adoration that it melts Hu Tao inside out.
“You existed, darling. That’s all you had to do.”
Caressed in quiet touch as night stretches on across the horizons, Hu Tao can’t help but sink further, indulge in the feeling. It’s a pretty thing, love. Yet there’s so much that could go wrong. That’s why Hu Tao will enjoy its grace period for now. Relish in it, believe in it.
Because even if it means her walls are broken down, her heart exposed and mind placed behind glass panes for observation, it’ll only mean that her love will be even more evident.
Loving Yanfei was like that. No matter what she did, the love stayed the same. Overflowing and sweet.
She hopes Yanfei can see how much she adores her, cherishes her, Hu Tao would give her the world if she asked.
(And Yanfei will stay, the steady flame amongst the billowing seasons.)