Relics

“So, Tony,” Loki says, giving the grey dodecahedron another light tap. There is a low buzzing comming from it that sounds quite pleasant. “Where do we start?”

Tony considers this. “Good question,” he answers in another attempt at stalling. Tony watches as the object known as Mime’s Curse is floating towards Loki again, circles around him and gets a gentle push as soon as it is getting too close. It looks almost as if the thing was courting the god. “To be honest, I have no idea. All this is quite surprising.”

“Well, I have to admit I’m surprised too,” Loki says. “When my brother came home yesterday and told me about your problems, I decided to join him out of mere curiosity. I didn’t expect to find this.”

“And of course you wouldn’t miss an opportunity to get a day off from your cell, I guess.”

“My cell?” For a second Loki looks baffled, but then he gets a grip and grins broadly at Tony. “Ah, yes. My cell. Of course.”

Thor looks the other way.

“I take it then that life in prison agrees with you?”

“Oh, we usually talk about it as the dungeons,” says Loki.

“Sounds a bit like a downstairs affair.”

“You are right, the dungeons are situated under the palace.”

The fuck, Tony thinks. So Loki’s family has been living upstairs while he was sitting in a holding cell right under their metaphorical feet? Now that’s messed up, no matter how guilty Loki was. How could they even sleep? Tony restrains himself from commenting on this, but it seems that Loki somehow got the gist of his thoughts.

“The Royal Palace is the heart of Asgard, Tony,” Loki tells him. “Both Thor and I grew up knowing full well that there were prisoners in the house. The idea is to show the people of the Golden Realm that the All-father cares even for those who have offended against his rule.”

“Humph,” Tony says, taking this with a grain of salt. “If you say so.” The fleeting expression of weariness on Loki’s face has not escaped him, and he decides to change the subject.

But Tony still feels that he should take his time before getting to the meat of the matter, and thankfully Thor has made up his mind to speak just in time.

As usual, the God of Thunder doesn’t opt for beating about the bush.

“Brother, what are you planning to do with this evil device? You cannot leave it here, you know,” Thor booms.The noise makes Tony shudder.

And there it is. The meat of the matter, sitting right in front of me.

Loki gives him a sly smile. “Always the diplomat, Thor, and I’m sure your straightforwardness will make Tony feel most reassured and comfortable.”

“Actually,” Tony says, “I’m not sure if I’m that unhappy with Thor’s approach. You made it sufficiently clear that this thing is dangerous and belongs in a safe place. Unfortunately, I trust neither SHIELD nor you, Loki.”

“Oh, I’d be disappointed if you would.”

“I see,” says Tony. “You know, Lokes, I think we need to set a few rules for our little talk, and one is that I won’t take any bullshit from you. You lie, game’s over. It’s easy.”

“Agreed.”

“What?”

“I said agreed.”

“Just like that?”

“Well, yes,” Loki says with a happy smile that looks far to self-complacent for Tony’s peace of soul. “Naturally this would give me the right to deal with you in the established Aesir manner if I should sense any falsehood on your part.”

Tony doesn’t need to ask what that would entail. The way Thor automatically reaches out for Mjolnir tells him all. “Huh, does Fury know about this particular Asgardian tradition?”

“Not yet, but there may be an opportunity for him to learn it the hard way in the near future.”

“Isn’t Thor supposed to be some kind of ally of SHIELD, like, the Avengers Initiative and stuff?”

“My friend,” Thor says, and this time he looks very sad indeed. “I feel betrayed.”

“We’re talking weregild again,” Tony says in a matter-of-fact voice.

“We’re talking betrayal,” Loki states, and his voice is hard, and unyielding, and sounds much to used to command for Tony’s peace of mind. “My brother gave the weregild in good faith to achieve a balance between Asgard and Midgard.”

“So this is a thing now?”

The brothers nod in affirmation.

“Please don’t tell me you weren’t planning to take Fury and his conspirators to task for this outrage,” says Loki.

“Well, I was planning to talk to him, but I guess the Vibranium has long disappeared in some project or other. And I’m not sure how you are going to arrange the distribution of the weregild to the other persons concerned. How do you want to decide who’s entitled and who’s not? Are we talking about compensating for physical damage, or do you recognise mental injury, too? Both can be devastating, you know. What if someone falls into a deep depression and commits suicide in, let’s say, three years from now on as a result? Would you care for their family?”

“I suggested a foundation,” Thor says. “Like the one named after your mother. I heard you talking about it several times, and thought it was a good idea.”

“A foundation,” Tony repeats, thunderstruck. Damn, that could actually work. I need to mention this to Pepper. A foundation supporting several projects connected to the so-called Battle of New York, ranging from financial support for orphaned children to trauma and health care. Perhaps there could be a memorial centre too. This kind of thing is known to help communities with coping after traumatic events.

Tony knows that even now, people are still leaving candles, flowers, and toys at the site of the building that took the first blast from the invading Chitauri. He eyes Thor suspiciously. What has happened to Space Oaf from Planet Dumb? 

And then Tony decides to take a deep breath, focuses on his sass, and pulls himself together before speaking. “You know, I was actively avoiding this sentence my whole life, but I guess I’ve got to say it now: Who are you, and what have you done with Thor?”

Thor gives him the puppy-eye treatment while Loki chuckles. “As a matter of fact, my brother is a very good listener, Tony.”

“I get it, Reindeer Games. So in reality he’s Thor, Agent of Asgard, and has been collecting information on us all the time?” Tony shudders to think on all the occasions Thor sat silently on the couch, apparently distracted by whatever gadget Tony had handed to him at that time. From a video game console to a Stark Industries branded Rubik’s Cube, the God of Thunder would accept the object reverently and toy along with it until everybody else had forgotten he’s there at all.

And how we talked, Tony thinks, from Fury to Pepper, we all talked, and didn’t pay any heed to the Norse god in the corner because hey, he’s just this dunce. Lord, the stuff Thor must know about us by now.

Loki shrugs. “We have talked a lot recently, yes. There were a lot of things to discuss. Naturally, my brother would share some things that attracted his attention on Midgard with me. And some rather disturbing observations, too. That's why I think Thor would like to accompany you when you talk to Fury and his superiors from the World Security Council.”

“The Vibranium has to go to you, Anthony,” Thor explains. “I thought you’d prefer a kind of weregild that is useful to you to one of mere monetary value.”

Useful, Tony thinks. Useful and sold at $10,000 per gram. He clears his throat. “You’re right. I want the stuff. And I want to kick Fury’s ass for this. He was probably just following the orders of god-knows-who, but I guess we are going to find out.”

“Good,” Loki says. “And as a sign of goodwill, I shall ask my brother most kindly and respectfully not to mjolnir Director Fury and the other conspirators on sight. Unless you want him to, Tony.”

“Agreed,” Thor tells his brother solemnly, and Tony nods.

“Now I think I need to make a request myself. I’m sure you have a lot of questions, and I’ll try and answer them as far as I’m allowed to. Please do not ask me anything concerning recent Aesir domestic politics, or the current state of my sentence. Or my stay in the dungeons.”

“I’m disappointed,” says Tony. ”I was so looking forward to be entertained with anecdotes about the time you dropped the soap.”

Loki frowns, obviously not getting the reference. But judging from the way Thor is looking at him, Tony feels that it might be better that way. I need to check his browsing history and email account, he decides. The engineer has some rather marked autocratic tendencies and those, combined with living in the constant dread of another alien invasion and a deeply ingrained loss of trust ever since he learned about Obadiah Stane’s betrayal, make him feel that it is his birthright to have access to any computer working around him. To be the one in control and generally knowing what is going on has become almost vital to him. Tony furrows his brow. Where has Thor even picked up the phrase? I’m sure it can’t be from Jane Foster, he thinks. Who else is he talking to outside of SHIELD?

“Um,” Loki clears his throat. “Sorry to interrupt your musings again. But could we return to business?”

Tony notices that the god is cradling Mime’s Course in his hands now. It is surrounded by the same faint greenish mist Tony had seen before. Apparently the object’s perpetual attempts at touching Loki had become annoying, and he has decided to give in.

“Is that a contented humming I’m hearing?” Tony asks.

“Oh, yes,” says Loki. “It’s drawn to me by my magic.”

Tony sighs. “Yeah, thought so. That, and your pretty green eyes. But what are we going to do with this thing?”

“My plan is to build a replica, and leave it on Midgard for SHIELD to worry about. This one,” Loki lifts his hands, “goes straight to Asgard where it will be locked away safely in our weapons vault.”

“Only the All-father could remove it from there once the Odinforce has accepted it,” adds Thor. Loki snorts when he hears the word Odinforce.

“And that place is absolutely safe?”

“It’s where we keep our most powerful weapons, artefacts and war relics, my friend.”

“Not precisely an answer to my question, Thor. As far as I know, you guys could be perfectly fine with storing your arms in Loki’s bath. You probably do that anyway.”

Loki sneers. “I’m deeply touched by your concern for the state of my bathroom, Tony. And yes, the weapon’s vault is safe. You know what? I can even promise that Mime’s Course will not be used again except for defensive purposes.”

“Would handing it over to some trustworthy dwarfs be an option? I guess they would know how to deal with something like this correctly,” suggests Tony.

“Oh, yes, they would,” Loki says. “Probably by selling it off as quickly as possible to the highest bidder because that’s what dwarfs do. Mime’s Course was not designed to affect their kind, and that’s all the good citizens of Nidavellir care about.”

“In that case, I would feel much better if you’d just dismantle the thing, like, blasting it into smithereens, or smelting it down,” the engineer tells him after considering what he has just heard.

And now Loki gives Tony the most indulgent and fake smile he has ever seen. “Well, that would have been difficult at all times,” the god says with a sorrowful frown. “And next to impossible now that it has just been completely recharged. Why, I could even end up with accidentally blowing your whole country up.”

“Are you telling me this thing kind of feeds on you?”

“On my magic energy, yes. Did you not notice how it kept trying to come near me? Although I admit that my pretty green eyes might have had something to do do with it, too.”

“You know, Loki, perhaps you should try to take out a patent for this smug and self-contented look of yours. There's a lot of money to be made with an asset like that. And what happened to the no-bullshitting rule?”

“Oh, every child on Asgard would have known what is going on. Please accept my apologies. If I had realised how much magic lore has faded into oblivion since the Aesir stopped visiting Midgard, I would have informed you.”

Tony crosses his arms in front of his chest. “Congratulation, then. Mischief managed. Do you realise we’re back to trust issues now?”

“We have trust issues?” Loki asks, sounding seriously distressed.

“I’m not even going to comment on this, Rudolph,” Tony says. “But I’d like you to know that I have a strong feeling you’re already planning to use it on some poor sod. I’d like to know on whom, and why. Because I don’t think I’m capable of supporting this kind of shit.”

“How wonderful. At least you’ve decided to show me some of this remarkable intelligence Thor is fanboying over so much.”

Fanboying? Like, seriously?

Not for the first time, Tony wonders how this enigmatic translation device called Allspeak actually works. “Okay,” he says. “Thor: thank you. Remind me to autograph Mjolnir later today. It’ll turn her into a valuable collector’s item. Loki: Stop being vaguely ominous and wilfully mysterious. It’s only an annoying habit. Drop it, and tell me, in as few words as possible, just what the fuck is going on. And lose the pout, will you?”

“Very well,” says Loki. “If you tell me how likely you think it is that someone is able to conscript an army from apparently out of nowhere within a year without having some help at some point.”

“Um, not at all?”

“Precisely. The army wasn’t mine. I was send here to collect the Tesseract for someone who is known to be very persistent. And he didn’t ask me kindly to do it.”

The engineer stares at him in disbelieve. “Who is it?”

“Don’t,” Thor mutters. “Don’t say his name, brother. We don’t know if the spiritual link has really been broken by now.”

“My ward is strong enough, even for Thanos,” Loki asserts him, but he looks worried despite his confident words and voice.

The God of Thunder smiles at him. “Well, in that case: bugger Thanos, then.”

“Indeed.” Loki smiles back briefly at his brother before getting serious again. “Unfortunately, his byname is The Mad Titan, and it is well earned. Tony, what you have seen in New York was only a tiny fraction of the forces Thanos has at his disposal. I was to lead the avant garde, and my main task was to find the cube.”

“And all this talk about being king and grabbing a throne? What was that about?”

“I think king was just an euphemism for governor until further notice. It wouldn’t have lasted long, I guess.”

Leaning back on his chair, Tony looks from Loki to Thor and back again. “So you’re basically telling me that a) the whole thing wasn’t your idea, b) you weren’t too happy about it either, and c) you were kind of being mind controlled yourself at that time?”

Both brothers confirm this.

“Now it makes sense,” Tony says. “’The Chitauri are coming. Nothing will change that. What have I to fear?’ I’ve been looking through the footage from that day on my security cams dozens of times, and every single time I wondered what you were trying to tell me.”

Loki shrugs. “To Thanos, I am just as disposable as any other lifeform on Midgard or any other realm. All he needed was my talent for finding and handling magic artefacts at that point. In return for my services, he offered me a delusion of power.”

“I find this a tad difficult to swallow, Reindeer Games,” Tony confesses after a couple of moments of sheer, unadulterated consternation. “But if this was true, it would change everything.”

“Would you take my word for it?” Thor asks. The god leans forward and puts a hand on Tony’s arm in a gesture of reassurance. “I know my brother well, and I’ve been bullshitted, as you like to call it, many times and in many ways over the centuries. I know the difference. This time it’s serious.”

“This is actually not very comforting, you know.” Tony is biting his lower lip, wondering why this is happening to him, and if he even has the right to make this decision. Probably not, but there is no one he trusts within reach. “And you think Thanos is going to send more troops to Earth?”

“Sooner or later, yes,” says Loki. “It may be in a generation or two, or tomorrow already. All I know is that he will come, and when he comes, he will wipe out all life on this realm. Thanos rules over a dead dimension, and he is courting Death. He has nothing but this on his mind.”

“Your story is growing harder to believe with every word you say, Loki. And Thor, why havn't you mentioned this before? Because sorry, but I’m still not buying it.”

“My friend, I promise to tan my brother’s sorry hide right in front of you in case he was lying again.”

The God of Mischief huffs with indignation. “You do not always best me, brother.”

“Remember the hobbyhorse, Thor,” Tony adds mildly. “You two are beyond believe, you know. Don’t let them ever tell you you’re not.”

“So it’s a deal?” Loki asks, and despite the haughty expression on his face there is just this tiny hint of pleading in his voice.

“Not yet. If I understood you correctly, you are thinking on using Mime‘s Curse on Thanos as a possible solution to our joint problem?”

“It’s a valid Plan B, Anthony,” Thor says with a touch of pride.

“More like Plan H by now,” Loki adds.

“So bad, huh?” Tony hesitates a little. And then he starts to feel reckless and decides to milk the situation for his own purposes as much as possible. “You’re asking me to make quite a decision here, you know. And on behalf of the whole human race, too.”

The brothers exchange a quick, knowing glance. Oh dear, Tony thinks. And I had so hoped to sound thoroughly unsuspicious.

“What is it you want, my friend?” Thor asks.

Loki tuts. “Please don’t be so blunt, brother. Let’s have some fun and haggle.”

“Yeah, no. No haggling. Not at all. Knowing Loki, this would only get me stuck somewhere between Earth and Asgard, middle-of-nowhere style. Nope.”

“You want to go to Asgard, Tony? Why?” Loki is looking at the engineer with undisguised curiosity now.

“Because I want to see this safe place you promised me.”

“Ah. And not out of nosiness at all.”

“You only say that because you know me so well, Rudolph.” But Tony can see an amused sparkle in Loki’s eyes. “Also, I need to learn more about this mad dude you were talking about. Those few morsels you threw me are barely enough.”

“Granted,” Loki says, much to Tony’s surprise.

“What? Just like that again?” Tony thinks he can’t trust his ears any longer. “Dr Foster said Odin was less than happy with her surprise visit in your fairytale kingdom.”

“Entirely different circumstances, I’m afraid.”

“Yeah?”

“My friend, we are burdening you with a responsibility that shouldn’t rest on the shoulders of one man alone,” says Thor. “Therefore my brother is right to invite you to see for yourself that he is keeping his word.”

If Thor had thought that Tony wouldn’t notice the cunning expression on his face, he was mistaken. The engineer felt the god was probably hoping that if Loki managed to import one puny mortal into Asgard, it would be a piece of cake to smuggle Dr Foster in along with him. He’s probably wrong, Tony thinks, but that’s not my business at all. Better not meddle with their family problems. Now he has only one piece of information he wishes to share left. Because Tony’s got this unique ego, and therefore would not like the brothers to think they got away with this without him noticing.

“And as a bonus, I’m not going to ask at all why Loki, the notorious convict who is supposed to be rotting in a bloody cell right now, is in a position to make such major decisions,” Tony tells the god of thunder amiably. Thor has the decency to look embarrassed, while Loki is suddenly giving extra cuddles to Mime’s Course. “Well, I’m not going to look the gift horse in the mouth, so please don’t consider this complaining. We have a deal, albeit grudgingly, because I see no other solution to the dilemma. Do me a favour? Please give me a warning the next time you're planning to jump something like this on me so I can do some thinking beforehand.”

The relieve on the gods’ faces is obvious.

“That’s settled, then,” Loki says.

“Settled,” Thor echoes his brother, and Tony sincerely hopes that he hasn’t just made another one of these terrible life decisions people love to comment upon so much.