“To my dear Historia:
As I’m writing this, Reiner stands next to me. It’s pretty obvious that he’s sneaking peeks at this love letter. He can be such a creep. No wonder he’s single. However, he did promise me he’d deliver this letter to you. He says it’s payback for saving them that one time. I’m sorry about then. I never imagined I would end up choosing them over you. It won’t be long till I die. But I have no regrets. Or at least that’s what I’d like to say, but there is one thing, and it’s that I wasn’t able to marry you.
Sincerely, Ymir.”
My body went cold the moment I read, “To my dear Historia,” and my world stopped when I read, “It won’t be long till I die.” I sat in my seat, rereading the letter over and over again, trying to see if I had missed something. I couldn’t understand.
Why didn’t she take me with her?
Why wouldn’t she let me help?
I would’ve fought for her.
I didn’t want any of this.
I wanted to be beside her for as long as she’d allow me to.
She ripped that from me. She ripped it from herself too.
It felt like every possible human emotion to ever exist was in me all at once, but the one I felt most was heartbreak. I felt it emotionally and physically. It was a throbbing, never-ending, lung-collapsing, rib-breaking feeling. It was the realization I would never see her again except in my memories. It was the realization that even if I had my memories of her, I knew one day they would start to become fuzzy.
Someday, I’d forget the way her voice sounded. I’d forget how far I had to look up to see her eyes. I’d forget her touch. The way her hand felt in mine, how she’d hold me tight and never want to let me go, those nights spent in her bed trying to keep ourselves from waking up the others, our kisses, would all be lost in the passage of time. What hurt more than the idea of forgetting her, was all of the plans we had falling down around me in my mind.
I looked out the window. The sky was cerulean blue and the sun was bright. Maybe a week or two prior, I would’ve had hope that this nice day meant there was good coming. Maybe the nice day would’ve meant that the war against the titans would end or even a small win like the Survey Corps getting to have a day off in the city.
Now it meant nothing.
I placed my hand on the letter and images flashed through my mind like electric shocks. Ymir’s memories. Her childhood, memories she had of me, memories of her titan, some blue and green world, and her seemingly current self in chains, all popped into my mind as if they were my own memories and left me in a trance-like state. I just stared at, “Sincerely, Ymir,” and hoped something would happen. Like she would appear.
Hange and Jean took me out of my trance and asked if there was code or any information they should know that was hidden in her letter. There was nothing I could tell them. I saw into Ymir’s most private moments. This letter was meant for my eyes only...
I would not tell them anything.
.
.
.
Later, in my room, I couldn’t sleep. My eyes were swollen, and my face was blotchy from tears. My throat burned from screaming. I stared at the ceiling, imagining the images I saw in her letter. Her death sat like a 50-pound weight on my chest, dragging me into the mattress to drown myself in the sheets. I felt like dying. I slowly sat up, fighting against my body which told me to stay in bed. Scooching over to the bedside table, I grabbed a match and lit a candle in a holder.
The small flame felt warm as it let off an orange glow against my face. I watched it dance and the furniture’s shadows follow suit. The desk in the corner was shrouded by shadows. It called my name. I got up with my candle, started towards it, and sat.
Paper, a glass pen, and an inkwell stared at me. I placed the candle down and picked up the pen and paper. The black ink filled up the pen and I had begun to write.
"Ymir,
I will hate you forever for leaving me here to imagine how they killed you, to imagine how I could have saved you if you had let me in. I just hope the hate never overshadows how much I love you. I told you I loved you many times before, but I wish I could have said it to you one last time so you would know, in death, that I really meant it. I just can’t believe you’d leave me here to suffer for the rest of my life. I wanted to spend my life with you. Even if we had to pretend in public forever, it would have been worth it. To me, it was worth it. Among the million other things I wish I could’ve told you, I wish you could’ve known that our future together was the only thing keeping me going. You’ve left me to be married off and to be a mouthpiece for war. I never wanted this. Now that you’re gone forever, I want it even less if that’s possible. There is no reason for me to pretend anymore. I don’t care about the Survey Corps, I don’t care about titans, I don’t even care about living anymore.
However, I know you did not die to hear that this is how I really feel. You died to try and save me and you did, so I'll keep living for you. I love you and I will see you one day. I’ll be hoping every day is my last from now on. I’ll love you and I'll miss you forever.
Yours, Historia”
I picked my response up, put it in the flame, and watched it burn, hoping Ymir would hear it.