Chapter 13
There was no grand banquet in Asgard when her princes returned victorious. No celebratory feast with revelling lasting into the daylight hours. The devastation to Asgard and grief stemming from it were still too recent for anyone to be in a mood for something so jubilant.
So the usual feast became a quiet—by Asgardian standards—dinner in the royal family's private dining hall, one of the few rooms deep enough in the palace to not be unaffected by the ransacking dark elves. The only ones in attendance were the All-Father's family and the friends who had helped them in Malekith's final defeat. Despite his usual appetite for raucous merrymaking, Thor wasn't disappointed with the smaller affair. Perhaps it was a sign of maturity, but after everything they'd gone through, it was enough for him that he could simply enjoy the company of family and friends. He wondered though, if it was enough for his brother.
In such a small gathering, it was easy to keep an eye on Loki. His brother put on a masterful performance, seeming to match the happy mood of the others. When the attention would pass from him to another, however, Thor saw him recede into his thoughts.
He also saw when Loki waited until all the others were fully engrossed in conversation and excused himself with no fanfare. Thor waited a few moments and followed him. He expected his brother to have fled all the way to his room but was surprised to find him just outside the dining hall leaning against the wall, his head tilted back and his eyes closed.
"Before you ask, brother," Loki said without opening his eyes. "I'm fine.
"Are you sure?" Thor asked, giving Loki's shoulder a squeeze. Loki's eyes opened to slits.
"Do you think I'm lying?"
"It's been known to happen. You did do more than this even though you said you didn't," Thor said, his hand leaving Loki's shoulder to point to his forehead where Loki healed a deep cut left by the Kursed.
"And you've come to chastise me, have you?" Loki asked tiredly, closing his eyes again.
Thor shook his head. "Only to thank you." It was rather gratifying to see the hint of surprise in Loki's eyes when he opened them again.
"Oh?"
"You saved me from the Kursed and got me ready to fight again. And it was your plan to take down Malekith. You were at my side when I needed you most, and I'm grateful."
"Yes, well..." Loki paused to clear his throat. "Remember that the next time you go off gallivanting with your mortal friends."
"They are your friends too, brother," Thor reminded him, the words coming out with more sharpness than he intended.
"A little more yours than mine."
"Loki, after everything we've done together, how can you still-"
"A jest, brother," Loki interrupted. "Only a jest. You are far too easy to rile."
He sounded earnest but it was still hard for Thor to believe him after so many months of Loki's resentment over the time he spent away from Asgard with the Midgardians. His brother was not one to change his feelings so easily.
Loki seemed to sense the direction of his thoughts, for he softened his tone considerably to ask, "Have you spoken to Father about allowing Jane to study the bifrost?"
"Not yet," Thor replied. "I fear he dislikes her."
"He doesn't," Loki assured him. "He's only been distracted by greater concerns of late. Now that things are settled, I'm sure he'll see in her what you do."
Thor could hardly believe his ears. Apologizing to Jane for his poor treatment of her was one thing. Praising her was quite another. "I thought you disliked her too."
Loki cast his eyes down. "I was being unfair. It was wrong."
Another time, hearing those words from his brother's mouth would have filled Thor with glee. Loki took such pleasure in pointing out Thor's shortcomings and it was a rare thing to turn the table on him. But this felt different. There was something in Loki's downcast eyes and hunched shoulders that made him look oddly vulnerable, and it left Thor feeling as though he'd seen something like it before.
"It's all in the past now, brother," he said instead of gloating. "Perhaps now that you are no longer bound by your research, you could join us on Midgard more often. Stark and the others have often asked after you."
"Perhaps," was all Loki said in reply, still not looking at him.
The feeling of familiarity with the way he was acting grew, and a very old memory surfaced in Thor's mind. One of the many times his younger and more inconsiderate self had abandoned his brother to spend time with other friends. At first, Loki had reacted much the same as he was now, poorly pretending not to be bothered by it, only to become bitter and angry underneath. Rather like how he'd been acting for much of the past year.
Thor reached over and clasped him by the back of the neck. "Loki, you know they will never replace you, don't you?"
"What are you talking about?" Loki scoffed, trying to worm his way free but Thor held him firm.
"However close I may grow to them, no one will ever take your place with me. No one ever could."
"I never thought-"
"Yes, you did," Thor said, shaking his head in disbelief that it took him so long to understand what was wrong. "You were here, preoccupied with your self-imposed quest, and I was only too happy to leave you to it while I had adventures of my own, without you. And then I acted as though the problem was entirely yours when that troubled you."
"Brother, I am no child," Loki insisted, though his almost petulant tone didn't help his argument. "I'm quite capable of functioning without your constant company."
"That's not the point."
"Then enlighten me, what is?"
Thor couldn't stifle the laugh that bubbled up his throat. That was so typical of his brother. Either Loki truly didn't know what he was getting at, or he was feigning ignorance because he didn't want to speak of it. Yes, that was Loki all right.
"Never mind," Thor said. He knew that whether Loki didn't understand or didn't want to understand, it would not help matters to force the issue. Maybe once they had some time to process things, it would be easier to get through to him. In the meantime, he asked, "What are you doing out here, if you are indeed fine as you said?"
Loki rolled his eyes. "I was hoping for a little peace and quiet."
Thor resisted the urge to ask what peace and quiet Loki expected to find right outside the door of a noisy dinner gathering. "It has been a long few days, hasn't it?"
"More like a long year."
"True," Thor agreed. "If anyone has earned a rest, it's you."
"Then perhaps you should leave me to it, lest you find yourself turned into a frog as a result of your incessant nagging and have to spend the night in the pond in Mother's garden."
Thor smirked. "Again, you mean. You should really invest in learning some new tricks, brother. That one grows old."
Loki's face was the picture of innocence but for the glint of mischief in his eyes. "I wouldn't need to use it so often-"
"Need?"
"-if you would only learn to stop pestering me."
Thor felt another laugh working its way out and he made no attempt to stifle it. Once it came out, he kept on laughing and before long, Loki was laughing too. It wasn't particularly funny but after so much friction between them, Thor had almost forgotten how much they used to enjoy each other. From the wistful sound of his brother's laugh, it sounded as though Loki had as well.
"I've missed this," he said.
"As have I," Loki agreed.
"Then why do you hide yourself out here?"
Loki shrugged and too casually said, "I'm afraid I'm not much for revelry tonight. I did almost die yesterday, remember?"
Though it was probably said in jest, it was an unwelcome reminder of the previous day's events to Thor. He would not soon forget the sight of Loki's ashen skin and lifeless eyes as he lay dying on the wastes of Svartalfheim. And no matter what light he made of it, Thor knew Loki was just as affected by it all.
"Are you sure you are well?" he asked, though he knew what Loki's answer would likely be.
"What did I just say about pestering me?" Loki returned, proving Thor's instinct correct.
"I didn't realize you find concern for your well-being so bothersome," Thor said, refusing to let Loki deflect.
His brother opened his mouth, another sarcastic retort ready on his tongue, but after looking Thor in the eye for a few moments, he appeared to think better of it.
"Thor, don't concern yourself overmuch. If I am not well yet, it is only a matter of time before I am. Time and rest." Loki spoke the last word with a rather pointed tone and equally pointed look.
"All right, brother. I'll leave you be." For now, he added silently.
"Thank you," Loki said, visibly relieved. A little too relieved in fact.
It confirmed what Thor suspected, that there was something more going on to which Loki didn't want to admit, but as with Loki's feelings regarding Thor's relationship to the Midgardians, now was not the time to press things.
"Go, take your rest," he said. "Good night."
Loki nodded, his eyelids sinking to half-mast. "Good night, brother."
He started off for his rooms, leaving Thor behind outside the dining hall. As troubling as it was that his brother was still hiding something, it didn't stop Thor from feeling the satisfaction that came with still being able to say to him, "I'll see you in the morning."
~~~|~~~
This is ludicrous, Loki thought.
For the past several hours, despite being exhausted beyond measure, he'd done nothing but toss and turn on his bed. With the Aether secure and the dark elves gone for good, he should have found easy rest.
Yet here he was, awake.
Not just awake, but awake with a mind that would not stop circling around thoughts of all that had happened, and an inexplicable feeling that in spite of their victory, all was still not right.
That sense of unease had plagued him ever since finding the Tesseract on Midgard. It grew worse as he learned more about the Aether and worse still as the Convergence approached. He'd hoped that it would leave him once everything was over but all that happened was it receded into the corners of his thoughts, lurking in the shadows like some sort of phantom that disappeared back into the darkness any time he tried to look closer at it. The feeling dogged him all evening and would not let up so he could rest.
Tired and frustrated, he cast off his bed covers and rose. Not even bothering to throw on a robe over his loose sleep clothes, Loki left his room to go for a walk. He wandered through the palace corridors, lost in his thoughts, until he found himself inside the library where he spent so many hours searching for clues about the Aether. Loki shook his head and gave a weary laugh. Apparently, he'd neglected to tell his feet that they no longer needed to bring him here every day.
The library was empty at such a late hour, with all its torches darkened except those by the entrance. It was such a clear night, though, that the moonlight streaming in made it almost as bright as daylight, and Loki found himself drawn to one of the windows. He scanned the night sky but all he saw were Asgard's familiar stars. The Convergence was well and truly passed, something that should have filled him with relief, but it didn't.
A whisper of movement was the only sound that warned Loki that someone was approaching. He didn't need to turn to know it was Frigga.
"Stargazing again?" she asked.
"After a fashion."
She came to stand beside him, the soft white of her night dress and dressing gown fairly glowed in the moonlight. "Is that the only reason you're still awake at this hour?"
"I'm fine, Mother."
"Are you?" she pressed. "Don't think I didn't notice that you slinked away from dinner as early as you did."
"Of course you did," he said. "First, there was no slinking. I simply left. Second, if you were so concerned you should have spoken to Thor. He followed me out to ask me the same questions as you."
"And what did you tell him?"
"The same thing I told you, that I am fine. I don't know why no one wants to believe that."
From the corner of his eye, he saw his mother's lips part as if she was about to speak, but then she closed them without saying anything.
"Oh, and you'll not believe this," he went on. "Thor was convinced that the reason for my mood these past months was fear that he was replacing me with his Midgardian friends."
"Ah," Frigga said with a brief chuckle. "So he does know."
"Know what? Surely you don't think-"
"He's right," she told him plainly.
Aghast, he said, "What are you talking about?"
"This has happened before, my son. Do you not remember how you felt when you were too small to begin training with the arms masters at the same time as Thor, or when he first began to draw close to Sif, or when he would go off questing without you?"
Loki felt a flutter of embarrassment listening to her recount those long ago incidents. "Mother, I was a child. This is completely different."
"Is it?"
Yes, he wanted to say. I was under enormous strain trying to avert a universe ending catastrophe while Thor kept running off to go play hero on Midgard.
Instead, like his mother moments before, Loki opened his mouth to speak only to close it without making a sound because he suddenly remembered his last conversation with his mother in this very room. A conversation in which he admitted to provoking Thor for no reason. He remembered a part of himself feeling horrified at hearing the way he derided Jane Foster and spewed other venomous words at his brother and being unable to stop even though he knew it would only drive Thor further away from him.
And he remembered a dozen other incidents similar to those his mother mentioned where he responded to Thor seeming to leave him behind by pushing him away, all the while terrified somewhere deep down that he might actually succeed.
The flutter of embarrassment grew into a hot wave of shame that Loki felt all the way from his scalp down to his toes. He winced and almost gave in to the urge to bury his face in his hands. At least the pale light of the moon would wash out the redness that he felt colouring his cheeks.
"Norns, you're right," he groaned. "What is wrong with me?"
"It's not that hard to understand, is it?"
Surprised by that, Loki opened his eyes and looked down to find his mother gazing at him with a bemused look.
"Oh, Loki," she sighed, reaching up to tuck a few stray hairs behind his ear before cradling his cheek in her hand. "How can you be so perceptive about everything but yourself?"
His mind went blank. He couldn't think of a single thing to say in response, but Frigga didn't seem to need one.
"My son, the first thing that happened to you in your life was you were abandoned by the very ones who should have cared for you most. They left you alone and frightened for goodness knows how long before your father found you. You don't remember it, not consciously, but it left a scar. I know, because I've seen it."
"What do you mean?"
A rather sad smile graced her lips. "For a start, when you were a baby, you would cling to us as though you thought we would vanish too if you let go. You stopped that by the time you were old enough to toddle but even then, you wouldn't fall asleep at night without one of us in the room with you. If we dared try and sneak out before you were asleep, you would start to cry. That's why you shared a room with Thor after you left the nursery. Having him close at night helped you get to sleep."
"You never told me any of that."
"Perhaps I should have," Frigga said. "I suppose as you grew older I wanted to believe that we had fixed whatever damage was done. And once we told you the truth of how you came to us... well, you were always so quick to pick up on everything. I thought you would come to understand on your own why you sometimes felt the way you did."
It certainly did explain some things, such as the irrational, almost fearful anger he often felt as a child when Thor did things without him, and why even as a grown man, he sometimes still felt it. In hindsight, it seemed so obvious that he agreed with his mother. He should have put it together himself much sooner.
"I feel like a fool," he admitted.
"You're not a fool, my dear," Frigga told him. "Just not as clever as you thought."
Loki laughed in spite of himself. "That's so much better, thank you."
"Oh, come now, darling. If not even Heimdall can see into a person's heart, you shouldn't expect to."
"Not even if it's my heart?"
"Not even then."
They shared a brief laugh together but right in the middle of it, Loki was caught by an unexpected swell of emotion. Standing there with his mother after she almost perished not even two days before, after he nearly died himself, after so much turmoil, just being able to share something so simple, so normal, was overwhelming.
Loki reached his arms around Frigga and pulled her into a tight embrace. He wanted to engrave everything about the moment on his memory; the softness of her dressing gown, the light scent of flowers that always seemed to linger in her hair, the feel of her breathing against his chest. He wanted to tell her how much he loved her, how frightened he'd been of losing her, how grateful he was that she lived, but all that came out was,
"Mother, I..."
As always, Frigga understood without needing to hear all the words, returning his embrace just as tightly. "I know, my boy. I know."
They stayed that way for some time, both reluctant to let go. When Loki at last broke the embrace, he felt no shame about the tears gathering in his eyes since Frigga's eyes were much the same.
"Now," she said, a slight waver in her voice but a smile on her face. "You may not be my little boy anymore but I am still your mother, so I'm still allowed to tell you it's high past your bedtime, young man. You need to get some sleep."
Loki nodded in agreement and Frigga turned to leave but he made no move to follow.
"Are you sure you're all right?" she asked him, the former lightness in her voice replaced by concern.
He was about to give her the same reply as before but he hesitated, instead turning his eyes back to the window to think. That uneasy feeling was still lingering in his thoughts, just as vague and nebulous as before. He found no answer for it gazing at the sky or anywhere else.
"I don't know," he said at last, not looking away from the window. "I may just be over tired. But if it proves to be something else, I'll tell you.
"Is that a promise?"
"For you, of course," he replied, eyes still on the stars.
"Loki." Frigga raised her hand to his chin and gently turned his face to her. "Make sure you keep it."
Under her gaze, he was utterly powerless. It was as if she could see into every part of him, even that which he kept hidden from all other eyes. More than that, though, was the way it let Loki see into her. There was so much love there, and so much worry, the kind of worry that only one who is a parent truly knows. Worry for him.
His heart ached at the sight of it. He wanted with every fibre of his being to do whatever it took to ease it, which meant there was only one answer to give her.
"I will," he vowed. "I swear it."
Frigga held his gaze a few moments more before Loki saw some semblance of satisfaction in her eyes. "Good," she said with a slight smile. "Now, come."
Taking him by the hand, she began to lead him out of the library. Loki laughed to himself and let her do it, not even minding that it was exactly what she used to do to him when he was a child. Only a few days ago, he was sure he would never again have the chance to hold her hand or walk with her. He had no choice but to cherish every opportunity to do so after receiving such a brutal lesson in the fragility of life even in the mighty Realm Eternal.
Frigga took him all the way back to his rooms, saw him inside, and even made sure he returned to his bed. They said goodnight with one more lingering embrace. As she left, Loki noted with pleasant surprise that the nagging uneasiness had lessened in her company. It was not gone, but nor was it as bad as it was before.
Perhaps it really is nothing, he thought as he slid under his bed covers. Perhaps it was just a matter of how long he'd spent anticipating disaster. Now that the disaster had come and gone, his mind was just slow to adjust to not living under the threat of some impending doom. Perhaps he had to learn to just live again. After all, if a few minutes in his mother's company was enough to lessen much of his worry, who was to say that returning to his more normal routine might not erase it entirely.
That's probably a little optimistic. Things were seldom that simple or that easy, and he was too pragmatic to think otherwise.
Not tonight though. Whatever the source of his disquiet, Loki resolved not to dwell on it any more tonight. Tonight he would let himself be content. The Convergence was passed, Malekith and his ilk were dead, and another infinity stone was in secure hands. Most important, the ones he loved most in the world were safe.
Yes, he was content.