We've Made Quite A Mess Babe, It's Probably Better Off This Way
The first time Skye gets a taste of a semi-normal life, it doesn't end well. John has been away on a mission for a few weeks and he doesn't think he'll be back for a few more months. She's been with him about six years now, twenty one with the world at her feet. Skye still feels unsettled when he's not around, out of place and sad. She tries to fill it up with alcohol, with food and men. But nothing does the trick.
That is until she meets Brandon. He works at a coffee shop down the street from Skye's apartment, freckles on his face, glasses a deep voice that she finds attractive. He's twenty three and the munute they meet Skye likes him. It's a rule that Skye is not allowed to have any personal attachments, Garrett is very strict about that. She can have flings can do whatever she wants but a relationship? Out of the question.
It's rule that Skye never really minded before, it's better this way because the life her and Garrett lead has no room for an outsider. But Brandon is so sweet and he cares about her, if she's eating enough how she sleeps. On their first date he takes her to some cheesy restaurant and Skye finds it adorable. He makes her laugh makes her feel light headed and cool, something she could very much get used to.
They drink cheap beer and sit on the hood of his car and when he kisses her she doesn't want anything else. Garrett isn't expected back for a while so Skye figures why not have some fun? She thinks Brandon will be gone long before John comes back, that's what she tells herself for days anyway. Then the days turn to weeks, the weeks to months. She meets his parents (which is dangerous dangerous but Skye ignores John's voice screaming in her head.)
She knows better she knows the rules, the entire thing with Brandon was doomed from the start. Skye should of just walked away the minute he flirted with her, never should of agreed to go out with him. They're together for three months when he tells her he loves her. Skye is sitting in the living room of his apartment eating pizza, while he's scrolling through the channels to find something to watch.
It just happens. She's laughing at something on the television when he just turns to her, whsipers the three words quietly and Skye chokes on the pizza. The only thing she can think about is how wrong this is how massively she screwed up how none of this is okay. She dived too deep went in too far. It wasn't supposed to turn out like this she can't ever get attached she's bad her life is bad she isn't worthy of any of it.
She doesn't know if Brandon ever expected her to say it back, he simply kissed her and never said anything else about it. Two months later they're in her apartment sound asleep in bed, Skye wakes to the sun shining through the curtains. Brandon is still out so she throws on the shirt he tossed on the floor last night and goes into the kitchen. Starts a pot of coffee and goes to make breakfast.
She's nearly done with the omelettes when the front door swings open. She jumps in surprise, almost always Garrett will send her a message and tell her he's on his way home. But on rare occasion just to keep her on her toes he'll come back like this without warning. Bag slung over his shoulder a bruise on his face from here she can tell his knuckles are looking a little worse for wear. But he's safe he's alive and there's relief in her chest.
Skye almost forgets about Brandon in her bed and hopes that John doesn't notice how there's two coffee mugs and two plates on the counter. But he does. ''John''. Skye smiles at him, takes the bag from his bloodied hand and hugs him. ''You've been gone a while''. She says as she sets the bag on the couch and tries to act normal. He sees right through her though, always has. ''I'm going to assume that breakfast isn't for me''.
There's a familiar warning in his tone that sends ice down her spine, Skye glances at him then the food in the pan. She laughs a little nervously and says, ''of course it is. I had a feeling you'd be back today. Here sit down I made some coffee''. He let's her pretend, plays along. Sits at the kitchen table and accepts the breakfast she offers. If he notices Skye fidgeting he never says a word. ''So how'd the mission go?'' She asks, taking the seat across from him.
''It went fine, I'll give you the details later''. They make small talk for a while until the rustling of bed sheets can be heard and Skye swallows loudly, glancing between Garrett and the bedroom. ''Well don't be shy son!'' He calls and Skye can nearly hear Brandon freeze in the other room. Of course he knew of course he put two and two together. Skye is hoping Garrett just assumes it's a one night stand, he doesn't have to find out she's in a relationship.
Brandon shuffles out of the bedroom still half asleep but weary. His glasses propped on the bridge of his nose as he pauses in the kitchen and looks at Skye. ''What's going on?'' Before Skye can say anything John beckons him over and sticks out a hand, ''I'm her father, Phil. What's your name kid?'' Relief is strong in Brandon's face as he shakes John's hand but it does nothing to put Skye at ease. She's on the edge of a knife here they both are.
''Brandon sir''. ''No need to call me sir, here sit down''. Brandon sits next to Skye and drinks coffee, everything was going smoothly John playing his part well as a nice father. That is until Brandon slipped an arm across her shoulders. Garrett gets this look in his eyes that Brandon doesn't notice but Skye does and everything inside her freezes up. ''So Brandon what is it that you do?'' ''I work at the coffee shop down the road''.
''Any plans to get a real job? Are you in school?'' ''Not at the moment, I'm just trying to get by pay bills and such''. Garrett nods and takes a sip of coffee, looking at Skye over the rim of the mug. ''Skye honey you didn't tell me you had a boyfriend''. She's about to tell him she doesn't but Brandon beats her to it. ''Really? You didn't tell your dad about us?'' Brandon looks down at her hurt in his eyes, she feels bad but John's gaze makes her feel worse.
''I um''- ''Oh don't take it personally kid Skye and I aren't that close''. Lies lies lies he's her whole world and they both know it. After an hour Garrett makes some excuse to leave, on the outside he's been nothing but kind and easy going. Like a normal father. But Skye knows better. She knows John better than she knows herself, it's only a matter of time before the shoes drops. ''He was nice, pretty cool dude''. Brandon says, Skye only nods numbly.
Everything comes crashing down two weeks later. She is eating dinner with John and a few of his friends (undercover Hydra agents) when her phone vibrates. It's Brandon's mother, Skye excuses herself and walks outside to answer. For years to come she'll be haunted by this phone call, can recite every single detail of this event even years later. Brandon has been in a car accident, it was bad. The doctors did everything they could but he's in a coma, they don't expect him to wake up.
Skye drops the phone onto the ground, she follows soon after her hands burying themseleves in the snow. She can't think she can't breathe all she knows is that this is her fault. She isn't sure how long she spends sobbing into her knees the only thing she's aware of is the freezing cold and how Brandon deserved better. When Skye walks back into the apartment and takes her place across from John, she's about to tell him what happened.
That one of their enemies got ahold of Brandon and now he's as good as dead. That John was right all along this kind of life isn't for outsiders. She looks up to find him and his few friends watching her curiously, John's expression is warning her to get it together, when he opens his mouth. ''What did I tell you about weaknesses Skye?'' Her stomach sinks her hands shake her face drains of all color.
''What did you do?'' Her voice is unsteady breaking, she can't control the hot tears that trail down her cheeks. ''He was a weakness, and what did I tell you about those?'' The response is automatic. ''We eliminate them''. John winks at her, ''good girl''. So she sits there dries her tears, listens to John drone on and on about one his mission stories. Brandon is taken off life support a month later.
It isn't until after his funeral that Skye seems to wake up. She hates John for this. Brandon didn't deserve to die because he loved her, and she hates herself too for ruining him. When she walks into his safe house in Italy Garrett looks annoyed by her black dress and bare feet. ''You look like you could use a drink''. He pours her a glass of whiskey, tells her to take a seat. ''How could you?'' She snarls, biting her lip to keep the tears at bay.
John turns to her holding out the glass which she takes with cold hands. ''It wasn't personal''. Before she's aware of her movements she's throwing the glass at the wall near his head, shattering into a million pieces. ''You son of a bitch! He loved me and you had him killed!'' Skye has lost control of herself, of the person Garrett expects her to always be. He shows no reaction to her outburst, instead stands there in front of her with his arms crossed.
''It wasn't personal? How could you say that?'' (Years later when she says this very thing to Ward it'll leave a bad taste in her mouth and she'll think of a nice boy with glasses who deservered so much better. She'll hate herself and hate Garrett too for the pain they caused Brandon's family.) Skye is a mess of hot anger and limbs as she throws herself at John aiming to slap him she can't think straight she can't breathe he's dead because of her.
Garrett easily catches her wrist and the bite of his fingers brings everything into sharp focus, her breathing hard the downright outrage black fury on his face that has her cowering back down. ''You need to get a handle on yourself. Brandon was nothing but a weakness and you and I both know what happens to those. He was a distraction that we can't afford. I knew you were weak, you're always going to be that sad pathetic girl I picked up off the street''.
His words do their trick and Skye is shaking her head, promising she'll do better. That it won't happen again that she's sorry for putting herself above the mission, above him. Garrett releases her and smiles, moving a hand to cup her cheek. ''That's my girl. Now go wash up I have a mission for you''. Skye smiles back and dries her eyes, ''yes sir''. When she's in the safety of the bathroom she breaks down shaking so hard her teeth chattering causing her lips to bleed.
She'll have bruises on her wrist tomorrow the skin is already red and throbbing. All she can think of is how Garrett is her father and she'll do anything to save him. He's right Brandon did distract her, she can't have anything to herself. Which is why years later when she meets Grant Ward with his perfect face and how he dug himself so deeply in her skin without meaning to, she didn't want to let him in.
Skye didn't want him to end up like Brandon dead because of her. And while she loved John she always will, there's a small part of her that will always resent him for it. He destroyed Brandon and in his own way destroyed her relationship with Ward before it even began. She can't forgive John or herself for all the years they spent together. The people they hurt, the death they caused.
Until one day she's twenty five and still wakes from nightmares, sometimes they are of Brandon others just nameless faceless people behind the trigger of Garrett's gun. Nothing she ever does will ever clean the red from her or John's ledger. He's gone but she'll always be paying for his sins.
*
Skye is sitting on a park bench drinking coffee, sunglasses on her face. The air is cool with the approaching Autumn, leaves rustle and sway under her feet. It's been a week since Ward let her go, since she told him she loved him and then everything went to hell. Things have been quiet at both Shield and Hydra, neither organization is looking for her at the moment they both have better things to do. It's only a matter of time before a new head grows back anyway.
She wonders if the new Hydra boss will want anything to do with her or if she'll be on the list of those long lost agents no one knows what happened to. Skye sips her coffee watching the people with their normal boring lives and not for the first time she envies them. If John never convinced her to join him that day, who would she become? Would Shield find their way to her one day? Would she make it on the Bus?
Maybe somewhere in an alternate dimension her and Grant ended up happy together, maybe John wasn't dying there and everyone was alright. She shakes her head, no use thinking that way now. He's dead, her and Ward will never be together. It's as if he knows she's thinking about him, out of the corner of her eye she sees him walk up the sidewalk path and her heart skips a beat like it always does.
He has those stupid sunglasses on his face that make him look every inch like a government tool bag. Ward takes a seat on the bench behind her and she considers making a run for it, how far can she get in a public area without him tackling her and causing a scene? How the hell did he find her? The feel of kiss is strong on her lips, the memory of his hands on her skin make it hard to focus. He says nothing for a while and she grows more nervous by the second.
He's either here to arrest her or forgive her. She doesn't think he's going to forgive her anytime soon, her hands start sweating. ''Please tell me you took those ridiculous sunglasses off''. ''Nope''. ''They make you look like a tool''. She can't see if he smiles but assumes he doesn't. ''You're here to arrest me aren't you? Why don't we see if I can get lucky twice? You let me go once let's see if I can escape you again. Are you going to count to ten to give me a head start?''
Ward never did appreciate her sense of humor. ''I'm not here to arrest you''. Butterflies flutter in her stomach, was she right? Is he here to tell her that it's someday? That he understands? ''Then why are you here? I know it's not so you can see how good my legs look in these jeans''. He ignores her, waits another thirty seconds to speak. ''I came to tell you that it won't happen again, in the hotel room that was a mistake''.
Those butterflies turn to ash and she blinks back tears. Not that she didn't expect this, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. ''The next time I see you I will arrest you, you will go back to Vault D. You betrayed us, Shield and that can't go unpunished''. ''But you said you understood''. ''I do Skye. But understanding is one thing, forgiving is another. And I will never forgive you''. She nods and takes a deep breath to steady herself.
''You nearly killed Fitz and Simmons and I get why you did it, but I'm not going to excuse you for it. You're the reason Simmons was shot for god sake, you sat by and watched as she bled and did nothing. All to save Garrett who wasn't worth it, who died in the end anyway''. Skye's voice is thick with tears when she responds, ''I know''. ''Coulson was kidnapped and you let him be tortured, you knew where he was the whole time and you didn't say a damn thing''.
''I couldn't''. ''We were a team a family and you betrayed us''. ''That's what I regret the most Grant you have to know that. I never wanted anyone to be hurt''. He scoffs rejecting her like he did back on the Bus when he found out who she really was. ''But you did hurt us, you hurt everyone. Fitz will never be the same, everytime I look at him I'm reminded that you did that. You caused the damage to his brain''. Skye wipes her eyes and sniffles.
''I didn't know that was going to happen Ward''. ''I believe you''. He sighs softly and Skye is tempted to look over her shoulder at him but stops herself. ''Coulson won't stop looking for you he wants you back in Vault D''. ''And you? What do you want?'' They both ignore the memory that follows that sentence, Providence full of lies and false faces. Bittersweet kisses how Ward played her and she had no idea, she thought he really wanted her ghosts and all.
He doesn't repeat what he said that day, doesn't kiss her or hold her hand looking like he just won the world. ''I want this to be over''. Ward stands and Skye isn't excatly sure what he means. Grant's voice is soft as he slowly walks away and says, ''I understand. But I can't forgive you Skye''. Then he's leaving disappearing from her view, from her life and she's crying but can't find it in herself to care.
''But I love you''. Not that it matters, he doesn't owe her anything. If Grant heard her (which he did) he shows no reaction. Just keeps walking until she can no longer see him. Alone in the middle of the day the sun warm on her skin, Skye cries into her hands. Missing Garrett missing the only other family she had and then turned against. Misses Ward and wishes she could go back and change it all, find another way to save John.
But there are no such things as time machines and here she is alone. At one point in time John promised her the world, but he didn't tell her how a world without him in it was lonely and cold. How he saved her from the streets but after he died she became that sad girl he found all over again. Alone with tears streaming down her face. Cursing herself and him too for all the damage they've done.
Skye never thought things would turn out this way. No one told her loving someone so much would hurt this bad when they're gone. Whether she's talking about Garrett or Ward, one can't tell. Perhaps both.