The pain was almost unbearable most days.
The ache.
The pure ache.
It was heartache.
Holtzmann knew that much.
Because that’s what it was.
Heartache.
The pure ache, need and want that devoured her daily.
It consumed every moment of every day.
It was particularly distracting and almost unmanageable when she walked in the room.
And if Holtz was honest it was unbearable whenever she was around.
But Holtz wanted her around.
She wanted her to be around every second of every day.
But she also didn’t.
Because it was too much.
She was too much.
The feeling of loss, the loss of something she never had, never will have.
The loss of not even having the courage to ask, to instigate.
To try.
There were chances.
So many chances.
So many fucking chances and Holtz didn’t take a single one.
Why?
Because Erin was out of her league.
Way out of her league.
Erin was beautiful.
She was stunning.
A Goddess.
Forged out of pure beauty, of perfection.
And she made Holtz giddy.
Erin also made Holtzmann cry.
Erin didn’t know she was making Holtz cry but when the blonde would go home at night, she would climb into bed, curl herself in a ball, and sob.
Her tears uncontrollable.
Her feelings uncontrollable.
Because she loved Erin.
She would always love her, and she didn’t know how to stop.
She didn’t want to stop.
Tears would slide down her cheeks, her nose would become red as she wiped it, her pillowcase was almost always damp when she woke in the mornings. And as she entered the bathroom to ready herself for the day she wouldn’t even bother to look at her reflection in the mirror. Because it was always the same.
Swollen tired eyes and a blotchy face.
It became a routine.
Go home.
Cry for a love she couldn’t have.
Wake groggy and with a broken heart.
Put some ice into a tea towel, hold it to her eyes (for twelve minutes, she had that down pat) and then dress and head to the Firehouse.
Repeat.
Sometimes her head and heart would be aching so much she didn’t need to do anything but lean over the toilet and she’d be sick.
She was so overcome with desire that it was a physical response now.
More than just tears.
The routine was almost always the same when she arrived home though.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
_____
Erin smiled at her blonde colleague from across the room, the engineer had made a joke and they had both laughed softly, politely even.
It was almost…awkward.
Holtzmann had noticed that, it was a different kind of laugh that had escaped Erin.
‘Holtz?’
‘Mmm?’
Holtz continued to look at the woman across the room and Erin looked down quickly before looking back up, her eyes meeting the blue ones still gazing at her.
It was evening, the sky outside had already grown dark and both Abby and Patty had gone home for the night. Erin and Holtz had enjoyed some snacks together in the small kitchen before retreating back upstairs, both rostered for a night shift but both choosing to work rather than relax for the night.
‘What is it Gilbert?’
Erin was still staring and she took a few steps towards the woman’s desk, her gait odd, almost calculated.
‘Um…’
Holtz was sitting at her desk and she stood slowly as Erin rounded the corner of the wooden desk, her fingers trailing its edge and the engineer creased her brow in confusion.
‘I..’ Erin said softly as she stopped in front of the woman, and Holtzmann noticed her eyes were glassy, beautiful and sparkling but, glassy.
Was she crying, Holtz thought, was she starting to cry?
‘Erin?’ Holtzmann said in concern, her voice firm as the physicist closed her eyes and took in a sharp breath. ‘Erin, baby,’ Holtz said, the second word slipping from her lips but she didn’t care as she reached her hands up and cupped the woman’s face.
‘Holtz,’ Erin said as her eyes opened slowly and she slid her hand up to Holtzmann’s wrists and she smiled softly.
Erin didn’t speak for a moment and even though it was only a moment Holtzmann’s mind began to rush with thoughts. This was the closest she had been to the woman, and cupping her face in any circumstance was only something she’d ever imagined and even then it was followed by a kiss. A soft slow perfect kiss, their lips touching and melding and touching and melding and soft and slow and touching and…
‘Holtz,’ Erin said again, her thumbs stroking the sides of wrists and she allowed a tear to roll down her cheek. Holtz smiled tightly at her, unable to stop her own tears as they began to fall.
‘Please, Erin, what is it, please?’
Holtz took in her own sharp breath and Erin looked at her, licking her lips and another tear threatened to spill, and she stepped closer.
‘You give me this feeling Jill,’ Erin said softly, smiling at the woman’s response to her first name and Holtz grinned at her. ‘You give me this feeling of hope, of need… a wanting.’
Holtz’s thumbs began to stroke the now pink cheeks her hands were framing and Erin tilted her head a little into them.
‘Tell me Erin,’ Holtz whispered, letting tears fall.
‘You give me these incredible feelings, they wash through my whole body my whole being Holtz. Sometimes they don’t stop, there’s this wave breaking over and over in the pit of my stomach. It’s like I’m riding a roller coaster over and over and it’s dipping up and down and up and down.’
Erin inhaled, smiling as she exhaled and Holtz chuckled a little, stepping closer, and Erin swallowed.
‘Holtz, I’m in love with you.’
Holtz let out a sob, she couldn’t help it and Erin moved her hands quickly from the woman’s wrists to her face, wiping tears and sliding fingers to the back of her neck.
‘You’re in love with me?’
Erin nodded, ‘I’ve always been in love with you.’
Holztmann nodded as she let a small sob escape her lips and she closed her eyes.
‘I’ve always been in love with you too.’
Erin smiled, tears rolling down her face, almost matching the speed of Holtzmann’s.
‘Erin, I’m going to kiss you now,’ Holtz whispered as the older woman chuckled, her face moving closer, ‘but you need to know that once I start kissing you, I’m not going to be able to stop.’
Erin let out another small laugh as she pressed her lips against the blonde’s muffling another I love you, from the engineer.
The kiss was soft and slow and a little desperate but also delicate and their lips just fit, as if puzzle pieces, made for the other.
______
They went home.
There were no more tears.
No more routine.
No more waking up groggy.
No more searching for a tea towel and ice.
They would fall asleep.
Sleeping peacefully with the promise of tomorrow.
A tomorrow together.
The next day together.
And the day after.
And the day after that.
Repeat.
Repeat.
Repeat.
It was a routine that didn’t feel routine.
It was natural.
Because it was natural.
Because it was meant to be.
They were meant to be.