Chapter 1
I stared at the dingy seasick teal walls that we’ve had in the apartment since 2011. The baseboards were a sickening hazy yellow, originally the walls had been a cold pale teal and the baseboards had been a light gray but after 13 years of my dad’s nonstop smoking all the walls had been stained but the color of our bathroom walls was the exact color of misery. All of my worst memories were attached to that awful fucking color. The worst of which was probably either overdosing the previous May or when I first looked in the mirror and realized how fucking fat I was. I’m often met with comments about how I’m ”all skin and bones” but I know that’s untrue they are just consoling me as if I’m a pitiful child . I looked the mirror once again I started at that strange girl in out halfway shattered mirror and didn’t recognize her she was so pale,so frail, her eyes were so sunken in, her cheekbones looked as if they were about to slice through her skin but just as quick as she appeared she was gone and in her place was me in the mirror all flabby,pale and freckled with hair that was too big and way too dull. Oh the disdain I had for what I saw in mirror it made me want to throw up when I see it but I never do because there is nothing in my stomach to throw up. Ever since I had the epiphany that I was a fucking disgusting peice of lard I’ve only eaten around 0-700 calories a day since and that was seven years ago in the sixth grade now in a junior so I haven’t the faintest idea why I’m still not a normal weight. It feels as if I’ve been cursed to be a fucking mammoth. The doctor tell me I need to gain weight and that I am severely anemic but I know he’s just taking Pity on the sad obese girl he's been treating her whole life. He knows me more than my own mother does. Her name was sherry and she’s left right after I was born and apparently it REALLY messed up my older sister who was only three at the time but now is a freshman in college but it never bothered me the only things I’ve ever needed were my sister and my best friend since sixth grade Rita. After feeling thoroughly sick because of my reflection I pulled all of my hair into a loose ponytail then pulled out my bangs. The only thing I liked about my self was the way my hair looked under the sun because in normal light my just looks like a dull brown but in the sun it’s a beautiful maroon brown but sadly that’s never really showcased because I live on the coast of Washington specifically in the Olympic peninsula. I took one last look at my hair and tightened the rubber band slightly and walked into the hall which felt nice because the carpet was was more warm that the cold slick linoleum then searched around my room four times before finding my socks, put them on, found my shoes, put those on, tied them, stuffed a pack of Newport’s, two joints and lighter in my bag and walked out of the door, down the stairs and out of the apartment complex to my car so I could head to my first day of junior year.