Chapter 19
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“I think we may have ordered too much.”
Bucky says this after the pizza aviaries and they have placed it all on the kitchen table and he may have a point. They had trouble narrowing down selections and they ended up ordering the same amount that they would have if all of them were here instead of the two of them. Clint doesn’t really see it as a problem and wanted Bucky to have something that he wanted so he just shrugs.
“There is room in the fridge and left over pizza is great for breakfast, it will be fine. Let’s grab some plates and find something to watch.”
Bucky just gives a nod and it takes them a few minutes but they are settled on the couch soon enough, both with plates loaded with pizza and breadsticks, and they flip through channels. There should be a chopped marathon on but Clint hasn’t found it yet. A familiar flash of red and blue is one on the channels, apparently Stars and Stripes is still a go-to rerun and he is about to change it when Bucky stops him with a question.
“ Wait. Is that about Steve?”
He asks and it turns to a commercial now and Clint gives a nod.
“Yep, about Steve, a little bit about you as well. We can watch if you want.”
Bucky seems to think about it for a moment before giving a nod and then asking another question.
“Have you seen it before?”
“Yep, twice once with Nat several years ago and once with Steve a couple years ago now, he muttered a lot about what they got wrong.”
There is a little smile now as Clint says that about Steve from Bucky and then his expression turns a little more curious and he asks a question.
“You and Natasha are more than friends, more than partners, aren’t you?”
“Yes, we don’t call it dating, but we have a thing.”
It is the truth and Bucky asks another question now.
“And she wears Sam’s shirts sometimes, they have a thing too then?”
Clint just gives a nod now.
“So you and Steve are together, you have a thing with Natasha who has something with Sam as well. Do Steve and Natasha have something, what about Steve and Sam, what about you and Sam? You don’t have to answer that.”
Those last words are said quickly, like Bucky just realized how much personal information he is asking for. Clint just gives him what he hopes is a reassuring smile and answers the questions.
“It’s ok. Steve and Natasha do have a kind of thing but neither Steve or I is doing anything with Sam right now. Sorry we didn’t say anything about all of this before, it is a bit complicated.”
Clint says this now and Bucky looks at Clint for a moment before turning his attention back to the tv, a brief picture of Peggy Carter showing on the screen and he speaks softly then.
“It sounds like it, but I’m starting to remember complicated, it isn’t bad. ”
Bucky says this now, stares at the image of Peggy till it changes and Clint just takes a bite of his pizza ,not sure what to say to that. They are quiet for a bit after that, both of them just eating and watching the documentary. After a little while,Bucky starts murmuring a bit.
“This doesn’t quite seem right, some of this is wrong. ”
He says it quietly but Clint hears it and comments on it.
“Steve said something along those lines as well, his had a lot more words and was a bit like shouting really.”
There is a tiny flicker of something that looks like relief that flashes across Bucky’s face and he gives a small smile.
“That sounds like Steve, can we change this?”
He asks and Clint gives a nod, starts flipping through channels again. There is a Chopped marathon and he stops there, turns to Bucky.
“Chopped is the best, mind if we watch?”
He asks and Bucky just makes a go ahead gesture and they both go back to their pizza.
“Won’t cough drops be hard to cook with?”
Bucky says this when they reveal that ingredient and Clint just grins at him.
“That’s the point, give them hard things to cook with and then watch the judges eat it. “
“Would you eat cough drop sauce then?”
Bucky asks now and Clint gives a sort of shrug.
“Maybe, I have probably ate worse things. Ate lots of burnt things, some stuff past its expiration date, weird things, when you’re hungry it doesn’t really matter as long as you think it won’t kill you. “
Clint says this and Bucky gives a nod, seems to know just what Clint is talking about.
“True, cough drop sauce is probably better than blackened potatoes. Probably not better than this pizza, I’m going to grab some more, you want some? ”
Clint hands over his plate and Bucky goes and gets them both a second plate. The rest of the evening passes pleasantly enough, a little small talk, lots of pizza and Clint goes to bed soon enough and doesn’t comment on the fact Bucky stays in the living room, they can talk about it later. The bed doesn’t quite feel as warm without Steve there but Clint does manage to fall asleep after a while, hopes the other won’t be gone too long.
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The next morning Clint wakes to an empty bed but there is the smell of coffee so it isn’t a terrible way to start the day. He gets up and just pulls on his sleep pants, goes to the bathroom, brushes his teeth and makes his way to the kitchen. Bucky is already there, has a mug poured for him waiting on the counter and Clint takes it .
“Thanks. Do you want me to make something for breakfast or will the pizza work?”
He asks now and Bucky thinks about it for a moment.
“I think the pizza will work, though not sure how well it is going to go with the coffee but I’ll try it.”
Clint just grins and goes to get the pizza from the fridge.
“Coffee is awesome with pizza, I mean coffee is awesome with everything but pizza is awesome too so it is like double the awesome. “
Clint rambles this out as he gets the pizza and makes his way to where Bucky is sitting at the table. Clint can feel Bucky’s eyes on him, looking over him now and it isn’t like he hasn’t been shirtless in front of the other man the last few weeks so he isn’t sure what has Bucky’s attention right now till Bucky speaks.
“You didn’t have that drawing a week ago, did you?”
He asks, gestures to the flames around near Clint’s hip and Clint realizes that he has been covered up in front of Bucky since Steve drew it. He sets the pizza box down on the table and answers the question now.
“Steve drew it a few days before he left. Just wanted to cover up a scar.”
He opens up the pizza box now, pulls out a slice and takes a bite. Bucky just looks at him for a moment before asking another question.
“Why do you need to cover up that scar?”
He says need instead of want and his voice is soft like he is asking about something intimate and Clint knows that in a way he is. He could just ignore the question, change the subject, but he doesn’t, just takes a breath and thinks about the right way to explain it. It takes a Clint a moment but he finds the right words.
“It came from the time I was forced out of myself, forced to do things not my choice. It reminds me of that, makes it hard seeing the scar of it instead of just feeling it and so I need to cover it up sometimes. That make sense?”
He asks, knows that if it makes sense to anyone, it would probably be Bucky. They haven’t talked too much about Clint’s experiences with Loki, but Bucky knows of it a little bit, knows that Clint was taken and forced like he was even if it wasn’t the same and he gives a little nod now.
“Makes perfect sense.”
Bucky says this and his flesh and blood hand goes briefly to his left shoulder, touches the skin hidden under his shirt and then he is reaching for a piece of pizza. He takes a bite and then a sip of coffee after, doesn’t quite grimace at the taste but twists his face up like he is trying to decide what he thinks about it.
“Not sure if I would call that awesome but it isn’t bad. Is that the first time Steve drew on you like that?”
He asks now, still seems a little fixed on the drawing on Clint and Clint goes ahead and answers the question.
“No, not the first time. I was having trouble with the scar and Steve though this would help. He’s done all sort of designs, this one is a favorite . I think he likes drawing on me. “
“He used to trace designs on my arms with his fingers, said he it was a way to still be able to draw when he was out of pencils and paper. It was nice being touched like that.”
Bucky says this now, like he just remembered it and his face looks somewhere between happiness and something Clint isn’t sure of and he is trying to decide what to say but a beep from his phone in the bedroom draws both of their attention before he can.
“You should get that.”
Clint just gets up, takes his slice of pizza with him, takes a bite as he walks . It doesn’t take long to get his phone, to go back to the kitchen and he puts his pizza down to check the message.
“It’s from Nat, they are on stand by right now, made it there safe and Fury apparently pulled Sam aside last night for a shovel talk. She’s a little amused by it and not really surprised that he knew. We’re pretty sure he and Hill gossip about everyone, we haven’t decided if they do it over cookies and coffee yet.”
Clint rattles all of this off to Bucky now, figures he will want to be kept in the loop.
“Does Fury give a lot of shovel talks?”
Bucky asks now and Clint gives an answer before taking another bite of pizza.
“A few, gave one to Steve when he first found out about us. I told you, he’s a softie underneath it all.”
Bucky just stares at him like he really doesn’t believe him before going back to his own pizza. They both just finish their slices now and Clint gets another cup of coffee.
“So, we have the rest of the day ahead of us, let me know if there is anything you want to do. ”
He says this now and Bucky just gives a little shrug.
“If I think of anything, I’ll let you know, right now I think I’m going to shower. “
“There are two towels left, save one for me, we can do laundry later.”
It isn’t the most exiting plan for the day but it will give them something to do. Bucky just moves out of the kitchen now and Clint drinks some more coffee and texts Natasha back
They do end up doing laundry later, end up eating more pizza for lunch, warmed up this time. They do make dinner that night, some pasta that they sort of just cobble together out of things and it tastes ok .They end up watching some more competition shows and Clint knows Natasha is going to yell at Clint for possibly getting Bucky into them but she has a soap opera watching buddy in Sam so Clint thinks it will be fine. Clint ends up going to bed before Bucky again, drifting off to sleep in his bed that feels too empty and the night mares come then.
It doesn’t start off as a nightmare, starts off just like a dream, like a recent memory. Clint is sprawled on his bed, Steve near his hips, his hands holding the markers , gliding them over his skin. Steve is drawing the flames there, swirls and lines of red and yellow and orange. Steve mumbles little things every once in a while, things about switching the colors, getting a fine point and Clint just listens, feels relaxed and safe and he closes his eyes in the dream, just relaxes as Steve keeps drawing.
“This won’t do at all. My mark can’t be covered up.”
That isn’t Steve’s voice and it sends a chill down Clint’s spine and he opens his eyes now, sees Loki settled on the bed now instead of Steve and he wants to move but can’t. Something is keeping him still and he can do nothing as a knife appears in Loki’s hand, as he starts to cut.
It isn’t the cutting of before, not the tip of the knife digging in and making the swirls of before. Instead, Loki is slicing off chunks of skin, shaving off the flames that Steve put there, taking away the marks Steve placed there.
“You will only have my marks, not his. You’re mine, Hawk.”
“Not yours! I won’t be yours!”
Clint can’t move but he can shout and he does, scream the words out. He’s not Loki’s, won’t be Loki’s again, but his skin is still being cut and Loki is still speaking.
“You are mine, only mine.”
Clint isn’t his, won’t be his, and he keeps shouting, keeps trying to move and Loki keeps cutting but his words change, his voice changes.
“Wake up, you’re ok, it’s ok.”
Clint can feel a hand on his shoulder now, a warm hand that isn’t Loki’s and he is waking up, is leaving the nightmare and it was Bucky’s voice that was speaking.
“Hey, it’s ok.”
Bucky says this now, voice calm but there is just a little bit of worry in his face and he lets Clint sit up. Clint takes a deep breath, can feel his heart racing but he takes a moment, lets the nightmare fade. Loki isn’t here, isn’t going to ever touch him again, and he looks at Bucky now.
“Sorry if I woke you up.”
Clint doesn’t know what else to say and Bucky just sort of shrug now.
“Wasn’t asleep and you were screaming,didn’t want you hurting yourself.”
Bucky says this simply and Clint gives just a little bit of a smile now.
“Thanks. I haven’t had one of those dreams in a while, they aren’t fun.”
Not being fun is sort of an understatement about the dreams. Clint is almost shaking right now, heart beat starting to calm but still a little bit of a mess. Bucky just looks at him for a moment now before he asks a question.
“Were you dreaming about being taken again?’
Clint just gives a little nod. They haven’t talked about it too much, Clint giving Bucky just enough information that he knows what happened before, knows about Loki, but they don’t talk that much about it. Maybe they should but they don’t.
“I dream about that too, it is why I don’t want to sleep.”
There is such honesty in his voice right now and Clint can’t help but reach out, puts his hand on top of Bucky’s flesh and blood one. Bucky doesn’t move his hand away.
“You’re safe now, we won’t let them get to you without one hell of a fight.”
Clint says this, means it and Bucky gives a small nod after a moment.
“Same goes for you, you know.”
Bucky says this now and Clint just gives a slightly shaky smile.
“I know that, doesn’t mean that my brain knows that when I’m sleepy.””
“Yeah.”
Bucky says that one word and it is filled with honesty and pain and he still hasn’t moved his hand away from Clint’s. They are quiet for a few moments till Clint breaks the silence.
“Could you stay in my bed with me? Just for tonight, easier to sleep if someone else is here.”
A moment of silence stretches between them and Clint wonders if he has made a mistake asking.
“You don’t have to , if you don’t want to.”
Clint says this now and Bucky simply shakes his head.
“No, it is ok. Just can you lie next to my right side? “
He asks, seems a little shy about it but Clint just gives a nod.
“ No problem. I’ll switch sides if you want to turn off the light?”
He asks now, just sort of realized that the room was no longer dark. Bucky must have turned on the light when he ran in. Bucky just gives a nod and gets off the bed while Clint scoots to the other side. A few moments pass and then Bucky is getting under the covers, laying next to Clint. Neither of them speak, just lay together in the dark and after a little while, Clint relaxes enough to close his eyes again. Bucky is warm and solid next to him, not in the same way Steve or Natasha are, but still a comfort and Clint drifts off again, hopes that this time there will be no nightmares.
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