Chapter 15
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It is a bit intimidating having the winter soldier on top of him, metal arm pinning him to the ground, eyes staring into his own. He has pretty eyes, Clint has always thought this since he saw pictures of Bucky Barnes when he was younger and they are still pretty even if they look a bit worn and tired right now. With everything the man has been through it really isn’t a surprise that his eyes look tired and Clint hopes they can help with that but right now he focuses on being pinned down and on the fact that Bucky is speaking.
“You are going to tell me what is going on, why you and the others keep searching for me.”
There is a demand in his voice and Clint just gives a little nod and then speaks calmly, almost casually.
“No problem but do you mind letting me put my groceries up real quick and start some food? I got stuff to make real dinner here and I really should put it in the fridge before it gets to warm, no one likes the smell of warm milk and this is one of my better smelling safe houses.”
It is a lot of words at once and defiantly not something Bucky was expecting to hear if the look of pure confusion and disbelief is anything to go by and he just stares at Clint right now. A moment passes and then Bucky shifts just a bit to let Clint up and he is watching him the whole time, on alert like he expects Clint to attack. He doesn’t, just makes his way to where he put his bags, picks them up and moves to the small kitchen. Bucky follows, still watching Clint closely and Clint just starts putting stuff away and gets ready to make some food. A few minutes pass in quiet as he starts setting things out and getting them going.
“I’m going to try to make mac and cheese, Sam made some a few weeks ago and it was super good so I’m going to try it and hopefully not burn anything. I watched him make it so it can’t be too hard, right?”
He asks and Bucky doesn’t say anything so Clint just keeps talking as he starts making the food.
“I think the big thing is just to make sure all the cheese melts right and not to over cook the pasta since it is going into the oven. I cook sometimes, been doing it more often lately. You cook at all?”
He asks and he gets an answer now.
“Yes, I do. Are you trying to distract me right now?”
He asks and Clint just shrugs a little bit and keeps working on the food. If Bucky is going to attack, he is going to attack and Clint thinks it is best to play everything a little relaxed right now.
“Not really, just babbling a bit. I know you want to talk about why we are looking for you but I’m pretty sure you have an idea. You’re remembering, aren’t you?”
Clint just comes out and asks this and he gets a crisp nod from Bucky.
“I am. I remember Steve, know why he is looking for me, and the widow is someone I trained long ago and I can understand why she is looking for me. Wilson is helping them and I broke his wings and his car and he can’t be happy about that.”
“He wasn’t happy about it but the wings are fixed now so he might forgive you eventually though I think he misses his car. “
Clint says this and Bucky just stares at him for a little bit before speaking again.
“It was a nice car.”
He says it so simply but there is something in his eyes right now, a little guilt and Clint can understand that feeling well.
“His new one is nice too. You like bacon?”
He asks this now and Bucky arches an eyebrow at him, a look of confusion settling on his face before he answers.
“I think so. Why are you asking?”
There is genuine curiosity in his voice and Clint answers the question.
“Think I might put some in here, thought you might want to eat something as well. Here, chop it up for me.”
He gets out the bacon and another cutting board and he wonders briefly how he ended up with so many here anyway and then holds out a clean knife to Bucky who just sort of stares at it for a moment.
“You trust me with that?”
“Sure, you already have some knives on you, if you were going to just stab me you probably would have done it already and I really want to speed up this cooking thing so might as well have you help.”
There is another moment of hesitation and then Bucky is taking the knife, starts chopping up the bacon just like Clint asked him to. There a few minutes of quiet now, both of them focused on their task and the situation is a bit surreal. He was hoping that Barnes would seek him out but it is still a bit strange that he is here now, helping Clint make mac and cheese but Clint is just going to go with it for now. Bucky finishes chopping the bacon and hands it to Clint who gets it cooking and soon enough he is able to get the mac and cheese in the oven and now there is nothing to really distract them anymore and Clint decides to ask a question now.
“Why did you come here, why now? We have been looking for you for a while, you could have made contact before.”
He could have made contact with Steve but Clint doesn’t say that, just waits for Bucky’s answer. It only takes a few moments and he gets it.
“The others aren’t here, it is just you and it seems safer approaching with just you. I know who you are, know who you are to Steve, but I haven’t interacted with you before. Are you looking for me for him, for them?”
Bucky asks now and Clint gives him the most honest answer he can.
“Kind of.”
“Kind of?”
Bucky repeats it and makes it a question and Clint knows that he needs to elaborate a bit so he does.
“I was looking for you because you mean a lot to Steve, were kind to Natasha when not many were, and I was looking for you because I know what it is like to do horrible things because someone else forced you to. The things Hydra made you do, those aren’t your fault and I think you need to hear that.”
There is a long pause right after Clint says this and he can almost feel the guilt radiating off of the other man and he sort of wants to give him a hug but isn’t sure if that would go down well. He did try to hug Natasha the first night they spoke, tried to give her a little act of comfort but it didn’t really go over that well, was more awkward than anything and she ended up elbowing him hard cause she wasn’t ready for him to touch her like that yet and he has learned his lesson since then. Save hugging world renowned assassins till at least your third meeting with them.
“Might not be my fault but doesn’t change the fact that I did them.”
Bucky says this and his voice is so damn honest and filled with pain and Clint has to remind himself of his hugging rule. Instead he takes a small step forward and looks him straight in the eyes as he speaks.
“I understand that, have gone through it. Nothing is going to change what has happened but you can stop running if you want. If you’re not ready to yet, I won’t stop you, I’ll even try to explain to Steve why you’re not ready yet.”
He says this and he means it. It won’t do any of them any good if they try to force Bucky to stop running if he’s not ready for it.
“I want to stop running but I don’t know if I can be who Steve remembers, might be someone different now. “
Bucky says this softly and Clint takes another step closer to him, reaches out and puts a hand on his shoulder. Bucky doesn’t move away so Clint figures he must not be crossing a line right now and he speaks just as softly.
“I think he would like to see who you are now and besides, he probably isn’t like you remember him either. Just stay here for a little bit, eat some hopefully ok mac and cheese with me and then you can decide what to do. Ok?”
He says all of this and then gets a small nod after a bit.
“You always feed strange assassins that show up at your safe houses mac and cheese?”
Bucky asks with a little smile now, still a bit of guilt in his eyes and he is still tense but Clint figures it is a step in the right direction.
“Nah, I fed Natasha frozen pizza and canned pasta when she came to talk to me. I didn’t really cook much back then. You want some water while we wait?”
He gets a nod and moves his hand away now, gets them both a glass and they sit down to wait for the food to finish. His phone goes off after a moment and he can see Bucky tense up just a bit at it as he puts it on the table and checks his message, shows it to Bucky.
“It is just Nat, making sure I haven’t fallen off of any roofs lately. She likes to mock me for it but it is how she shows she cares. I’ll probably get a message from Steve later, maybe even a call, but I won’t tell either of them about you being here till you want them to know. “
He says this and then he types out a quick message to Nat letting her know that he is in one piece and shows it to Bucky before he sends it and the other man seems reassured by Clint’s behavior right now. They sit in relative quit now, occasionally Clint saying something or asking a small question and Bucky will answer, seems to be growing just a little bit more comfortable. The food gets done and he dishes them both up some and sets them down and Bucky dives into it quickly.
“Not too bad.”
He says this and Clint gives a little shrug.
“Sam’s was way better, maybe you can try it sometime.”
“Maybe. ”
He says this simply and goes back to eating, polishes off his plate fairly quickly and Clint tells him to help himself to more and he does, eats another full plate and a half and Clint wonders if he hasn’t been eating much or if it just a metabolism thing like Steve have. Bucky ends up helping him clean up and after a few moments, Bucky breaks the quiet that has settled again.
“Can you ask him to come here? I think I want to see him again before I decide what to do.”
Clint is a little surprised by this but he gives a small nod, gets out his phone and sends Steve a quick message, tells him that it isn’t life or death but he needs him to come here, gives him the coordinates. He shows Bucky the message as he sends it and it doesn’t take too long to get a reply saying that he would be there as soon as he can and he shows this one to Bucky who just gives a little relieved nod.
“So we have some time to wait, not quite ready for bed yet so you want to play cards?”
Clint asks and gets a little nod and he spends the next few hours playing poker and go fish with one of the most feared assassins in the world and he thinks it might be up there in the weird things in his life but he will go along with it.
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