Chapter 2
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The next week passes in a bit of pleasant blur for the most part, a lot of time spent with Steve and it is thrilling in a way to have something so new, to have this new aspect to their relationship. There is something so exciting about finding out what touches Steve enjoys, finding out what little noises Clint can pull out of him, and getting to know Steve in this way, letting Steve know him like this. All the kissing and the touching is nice but Clint also enjoys the dates they go on, exploring things with Steve who still feels so out of place so often. Clint isn’t sure if he is the best one to guide Steve through his adjustment period but Steve wants him by his side and Clint isn’t going to argue with him. By Steve’s side is just where Clint is right now, curled up next to him on the couch as he flips through the channels trying to find something to watch. There isn’t too much on but there is something that catches Clint’s eyes and he can hear Steve’s groan as he stops at it, smiles just a bit.
“Do you really want to watch this?”
Steve asks, looks at Clint with just a bit of disbelief in his eyes. Clint just smiles innocently as he answers.
“It looks interesting, probably has a lot of information I might not know, might answer some questions I have.”
Clint has actually already watched this once before, a while ago with Natasha. It was just a few days after Steve had woken up, most of SHIELD hearing just what happened and the public not quite knowing yet that Captain America was found but there were rumors. They had been at Natasha’s place that time, spending a bit of time together before Clint had to go back to the base with the tesseract and that had been on one of the channels. They had watched it out of a sense of curiosity for Natasha and nostalgia for Clint, both adding comments here and there, and it hadn’t been too bad though Clint had only paid about half attention to it, the other half focused on Nat. That was a while ago now and Captain America is not so much of a historical ideal and comic book hero anymore but a real person sitting on Clint’s couch staring at him with annoyance and disbelief.
“If you have questions , I’m right here, you can just ask me. We don’t have to watch a documentary about my life. Who knows what they got wrong.”
Steve says this and Clint lets his smile grow just a little bit more.
“You would know what they got wrong. It could be fun, you picking it apart, telling me just what really happened. What do you say we watch, I can order us some pizza?”
“You would probably order pizza anyway.”
Steve says this but Clint can tell he is just a bit curious about it now and after just a moment he gives a sigh.
“Alright, let’s watch it but don’t be surprised if I end up yelling, also I want cheese sticks.”
Clint gives a grin now, calls in the pizza order and settles in to watch Stars, Stripes, and a Shield, the Life of Captain America with Captain America, should be an interesting evening.
The documentary is pretty standard, gives a brief overview of Steve’s life before the serum and then jumps straight into his time as Captain America, goes over some of his impact, and then focuses on his death and Clint pays even less actual attention to it this time than he did the last. Steve’s commentary is much more interesting than what is being said on the tv and even after the pizza arrives and they start to eat, Steve keeps up his comments.
“They barely talked about Erskine, just mentioned him making the serum and then his death. He was the one who gave me the chance, supported me during that week of boot camp. Hell, they barely mention Peggy either and she trained me during that week. They seem to be talking about Bucky and the commandos a little bit more but they are still painting it like I did most of the missions on my own. I had a team, damn it.”
A lot of the comments are like that, Steve talking about the others who helped him along the way and Clint knows that he must miss them all something fierce. There are very few of them still around and Steve has talked about visiting Peggy but Clint can still hear the loneliness in his voice every once in a while. From what Steve has said and from what Clint has picked up, he had hoped to have had a life with her once and it can’t be easy knowing that he lost that, that she had a full life without him. Clint does what he can to help but he isn’t sure if he is everything Steve needs. For now, he just gives him a little smile.
“I know about your team, I used to have the comics and everything, a few action figures. Had a Buckybear when I was little even.”
Clint had loved that bear and sometimes he wishes he still had it but it got lost in one of the moves in-between foster homes. Steve shakes his head just a bit now at the mention of the Bucky bears.
“Still can’t believe that is a thing. Not sure how Bucky would have felt about that but they are cute.”
There is a hint of softness in his voice at the word Bucky again and Clint decides it is time for a distraction again.
“They have one of you too, Cap America bears, come with a little shield and everything. Been thinking of getting you one.”
He actually has one bookmarked and ready to buy just hasn’t ordered it yet, wants to wait a bit. Will probably order it soon and give it to Steve first time one of them does something stupid. For now, he just watches as Steve’s face filters between a sort of amusement and annoyance .
“If you do, I’ll get you a hawkeye one, they can lay together. “
“Don’t think they make those but if they do, I would love one. It can go with my mug.”
He has a Hawkeye mug, has the whole set of avengers mugs actually and Nat had teased him a bit about it but was just glad he replaced some of the old ones. He always gives her the Black Widow one and Steve the Captain America one because it amuses him a bit.
“If I can find one, I’ll get it for you. Do you want to watch the rest of this or can I change it?”
Steve says this now, is gesturing to the remote. It is winding down a bit now, getting closer to the end of the war, to Bucky’s death and Steve going into the ice and Clint isn’t going to make Steve think about all of that right now so he just gives a nod. Steve changes the channel, finds some cartoons and they watch that before they get distracted.
It is still a bit new, touching each other more but Clint really likes it, likes how Steve’s hands feel against him. The man has good hands, strong hands, but gentle fingers and Clint sometimes wonders how much of that comes from Steve drawing. He likes the way Steve touches his skin, the way his finger traces over the marks there. The only one he stops him doing that for is the one on his hip and he is sure that Steve has noticed but he hasn’t asked about it yet. Clint will tell him soon, knows he needs to tell him, but he is still dealing with it himself so he is going to wait till Steve asks. He doesn’t ask tonight and Clint can focus on how good this feels.
They trade kisses and touches for a while, not full sex, not tonight but Clint wraps his fingers around Steve and Steve does the same for him. It is good, the way Steve’s fingers glide over him, the way they grip, and Clint makes sure it is good for Steve too. They don’t make it to the bed tonight but at least they don’t make too much of mess of the living room. They clean up together , trade a few more kisses and talk a bit more and then Steve is leaving, promises to talk to Clint sometime tomorrow. Clint goes to bed just a little bit after that, has some range time scheduled at SHIELD in early afternoon and he should try to get some sleep.
Sleep hasn’t been easy since New York. The first few nights after he barely slept, wouldn’t lay down with Natasha for more than a few minutes at a time, would find an excuse to leave the bed and trying to sleep by himself lead to nothing but nightmares. She finally put an end to that by crawling into his bed about two weeks after everything, telling him that her knife was close by if she needed it, and telling him she wouldn’t let him leave the bed till he at least closed his eyes for a while. It wasn’t easy falling asleep that night but he did manage it for a little bit with Natasha by his side though it wasn’t more than a couple of hours before the nightmares started. Natasha was there when he woke up screaming, calmed him down, and she didn’t get hurt and that was enough reassurance for Clint. It became easier to sleep after that, still not as easy as it used to be, but when Nat was with him, he could fall asleep and after a while her presence started keeping the nightmares at bay. The nights that Steve has slept with him have done much the same but tonight neither of them are here and he just hopes the nightmares aren’t too bad if they come tonight.
The nightmare comes and it is familiar one, one that he has experienced in his sleep before, experienced while awake as well. It isn’t just a nightmare but a memory as well and that makes it even more terrifying. It is a little different than what he remembers, the knife just a little longer, Loki’s breath against his skin just a little warmer, the pain just a little sharper, and the blood just a little redder. Loki doesn’t stop above his hip this time, keeps trailing the knife upwards, more red staining his skin all along his torso. The knife is at his chest now and his heart is beating so fast, skin sticky, breath shallow, and he should be pushing the knife away, should be fighting but he can’t. Clint just sits there as Loki carves into his chest, a swirl and loop right over his heart.
“This is mine now, no other shall ever have it.”
With those words, Loki digs the knife deeper and Clint can feel every cut, feels his heart being carved out of his chest, till he wakes screaming from the pain that isn’t really there. His heart is beating quickly, the sound loud in the quiet of the room, proof enough it was a dream but he still finds himself looking down, looking for blood and a hole that isn’t there. There is no fresh blood and the marks are old and familiar, no new marks but his heart is still pounding and it is hard to catch his breath. He makes himself get up now and heads to the bathroom.
Clint turns the water on, warm not cold like most would do, splash his face a few times, takes a few deep breathes. He looks in the mirror now, sees the usual shade of his eyes and not the ice blue Loki placed on them and he sees the scar that started his nightmare. He looks at it now, brings fingers towards it, but he can’t get himself to touch it right now. It is easier to look at it now than it had been the night of New York letting Tasha see it that first time, telling her about it, how Loki had carved into his skin and when she had reached a hand forward to touch, she had only been able to barely brush fingers against it before he was moving away. She hasn’t tried to touch it much since then and though they have talked about it, it is still something Clint hates seeing. Sometimes he thinks about getting it covered somehow but he isn’t sure how or with what and so he just ignores it for the most part. He looks at it for just a moment longer before he makes himself look away, heads out of the bathroom.
Clint ends up settling on the couch, not ready to be back in his bed, and he turns the tv back on for a bit. He finds a bad looking tv movie and lays down, pulls the purple blanket that he keeps on the back of the couch over him. He doesn’t use it all that often, usually Nat is the one who uses it, she likes having something warm to drape over her when she watches tv, and it makes him think of her. The couch pillow he is laying his head down on smells a bit like Steve from when he leaned against it earlier and it is nice having a reminder of him right now as well. After a bit, he manages to drift back to sleep for a few hours and it is enough to get him through his shooting session and then therapy afterwards and it is a sign things are getting better.
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