Steve ran his hand through Bucky’s hair; the sleepy soldier had their head on Steve’s lap as the couple watched Lilo and Stich. When Bucky had never been a weapon and Steve wasn’t the sort of guy you’d spare a second glance out Bucky had desperately wanted long hair.
The taller of the two stood in front of the mirror, giving her short hair a tug, “I wish I had longer hair.” She had sighed, knowing that she couldn’t let it grow out though, men didn’t let their hair grow past their ears, and she had to be a man, because women like her didn’t last all that long and then who would there be to protect Stevie?
“You could always wear a wig Buck.”
It wasn’t like the thought had never crossed her mind, but it always came accompanied by men with bulking broad shoulders and hairy chests wearing a too tight floral dress, clown like make up and golden wigs, the sort of men that paraded around as a joke on stage. Bucky was a girl, she didn’t want to look like a man in a dress having a laugh.
It wasn’t the only time Bucky had wanted longer hair, she spent so long braiding her sisters’ hair, one younger one older she was better than they were at it. Often they came to her, before school or parties wanting her to do the fancy twists that would make them the envy of all the other girls. But honestly Bucky wasn’t sure whether braiding her sisters’ hair made things better or worse, envying her sisters long thick hair, she wondered if hers would be as nice if she could grow it out.
When Bucky’s mother commented on what a ‘good brother he was,’ Bucky felt sick, but she just smiled and nodded accepting the praise.
On the few nights that she was alone, there weren’t many with a family of five in a three-bedroom apartment, when she stole her sisters’ makeup, her mothers dresses. Sometimes it made things better she would look in the mirror and smile at her pink cheeks and long lashes, at the dress swishing on her legs as she walked. She tried her best to walk like a lass, it was all in the hips.
Some nights it made things worse, the make up just accentuated the slight stubble, the dress pulled tight over her broad shoulders and fell flat on her narrow hips.
These nights Steve would come over he would hold her while she cried, kiss her and tell her that she looked beautiful, even if she couldn’t see it. Steve also was the realistic one, for a change, on these nights. Bucky would be a mess, miserable because she would never look like she was supposed to but Steve would keep an eye on the time. He would gently coax Bucky out of her dress, help her wipe the make up off and put on something else guiding Buck to her bed away from the mirror where she would see her, now even more, masculine image. Without Steve, Bucky surely would have been discovered and who knew what then.
“You look good with hair this length.” Steve mumbled, they hadn’t spoke of this since Bucky had come back to him, Steve avoided pronouns whenever possible but still he wondered if Bucky flinched when Steve acted as though Buck was a boy in the countless interviews the Avengers were subjected to.
“Do you…” Steve’s voice faltered, he wasn’t sure how to word it, things were different now, Steve wasn’t sure whether Bucky knew anything of what they could do for people who didn’t fit in the body they were given. “Buck do you still…” Steve’s voice faltered once more, ‘think you’re a girl? want to be a girl?’ they all sounded so wrong in Steve’s mouth.
Bucky was crying, crying in that awful panicky way. Bucky didn’t cry. He didn't panic either. Even when Steve’s lungs stopped working and he felt that sure he was going to die Bucky knew what to do; right now Bucky definitely did not know what to do. He was pressed into a corner, hugging his knees to his chest.
“Stevie, you promise not to hate me?” Bucky mumbled into his knees.
His voice was so soft Steve thought he hadn’t heard him right for a second, after all how could Bucky ever think that Steve could hate him. “I promise.” Steve told him gently, sliding down the wall to sit beside his best friend.
“Even if I told you I was really a girl?” Bucky raised his head to look at Steve for a second, before turning his gaze to the floor.
Steve paused, unsure of what to stay, “But... I’ve seen you naked Buck.” Steve finally replied dumbly.
This was the wrong thing to say, Bucky’s crying got worse, he gripped his knees so tightly as though trying to keep himself all in one piece.
“Oh Jesus, Buck, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean, I just don’t understand.” Steve panicked, reaching out to put a hand on Bucky’s back. “Explain it to me?”
“Are you still a girl?” After all that was how Bucky had worded it, she was, not she felt like, or thought she was.
Bucky didn’t say anything for a long time, “I don’t know Stevie.” They mumbled.
Steve remained silent waiting for Bucky to continue.
“I’m not the same anymore.” That was obvious, the new Bucky jumped at the slightest sound, stood completely still for hours, they didn’t seem to have that easy charm anymore, they just stared down people as one would any other target.
“Your memories are back though…” Steve prodded.
Bucky didn’t know how to explain, just because they remembered didn’t mean they were the same person anymore. “I do, but I’m not her anymore.”
There was more silence, both of them mourning the person that was lost, or really the people because that sick little boy who didn’t know how to shut up and that girl who could charm the pants of anyone and stuck up for his dumb ass were both gone now.
“I don’t know how to be without orders anymore. It’s been decades since I’ve had any choice. Sometimes I can’t even choose whether I want apple juice or orange juice.” Bucky paused, twisting their fingers around each other, “Sometimes I just wish that someone would tell me what to do so I don’t have to make the decision myself.” It was the first time Bucky had admitted it out loud, they hated knowing that was how they felt, they knew that the old Bucky would have hated them for being such a spineless coward, jesus the current Bucky hated themself for it. They knew that feeling this way was sick and awful after all the terrible things they had had to enjure, they were scared that Steve was going to call SHEILD so they’d lock him up again. Being on SHEILD’s high surveillance watch had been agony, constantly being poked and prodded at by doctors repeatedly asked all sorts of questions over and over again.
Steve’s grip just tightened around Bucky, reassuring them that he was still there, that he understood.
“I don’t think I know how to decide anything anymore, let alone what gender I am.” Bucky finally said, they was close to crying at this point, at least they had emotions again.
“You decided to not cut your hair.”
“Would you like a hair cut?” A doctor had asked gesturing with a clipboard at Bucky’s hair, “We can show you some new styles or give you the classic Bucky Barnes Do.”
“No hair cut.” Bucky growled, this was when their voice was still thick with a Russian accent, when they were all muscle and fear and hatred and still weren’t sure why they had come here.
The doctor had raised a singular eyebrow at him before scribbling in her clipboard, Bucky thought of changing their mind, because they knew that they weren’t being the perfect super hero sidekick they were meant to be. This was back when they thought they had to change completely into something else, become another mindless model, but this time for another team, but they wouldn’t change their words, they liked their hair how it was.
“Maybe you could…like before…just between us.” She whispered.
Steve kissed the top of her head, “Of course Buck.”