Chapter 1
Bucky
Even if two things begin from the same place, there are certain “differences” that are bound to form. And when a “difference”arises, both the scale of it, and the distance that it creates, grow in size and in length as time passes.
By the time you become familiar with that truth, you’ll have already forgotten the fact that you started at the “same place”.
The reason I realized that I could never be in the “same place” forever with him wasn’t just because I couldn’t catch up to his own height—a height that, one day, started to distance itself from my own.
+++
Bucky and Steve, age 12
Bucky sat on the dining table of the house that he had lived for all of his life. Sitting beside him was his father, George Barnes, who had a sad and apologetic look on his face as he looked at the young boy. The whole house was quiet and had a somber atmosphere.
The boy with brown hair and blue-gray eyes stared at one spot on the table cloth. His eyes were full of unshed tears but he was doing his best to show a brave and resolute face in front of the older man.
“What are you going to do? Are you going to stay behind or come with me?” George asked. He had already decided that they were going to move out of the house that they had lived in since before Bucky was born.
Bucky looked up to his father and said, “I’m going with you.” There was no hesitation in his voice and in his eyes.
A few hours later, Bucky was standing in front of their neighbors’ house. The Rogers family had been a friend of the Barnes family even before Bucky was born. A blond, skinny boy who was a head shorter than Bucky stood in front of the doorstep with him.
“Why are you being like this? My dad told me that even though you’re gonna move in with us, it doesn’t mean you’re suddenly gonna lose your dad. If you move, we’re gonna end up going to different schools,” Steve said as he held on to the sleeve of Bucky’s shirt. His blue eyes were glistening with tears that threatened to fall.
“What am I, an idiot? Why do I have to keep going to the same school with you? Plus, if I stay at your house, I’ll have to keep going to the same school with you—junior high, high school… Just thinking about that makes me bored, man,” Bucky said in a nonchalant voice. He had a playful smirk on his lips, trying to brush off the conversation.
Steve had a stunned expression on his face. He opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. Bucky took Steve’s hand off of him.
Looking at Steve’s crushed, speechless face, the anger that had kept Bucky up all of the night before went away.
People criticized Bucky’s dad for taking on the humongous debt that his grandfather had left behind—a debt he could have refused. And for turning down his best friend’s offer of taking Bucky in as his adopted son. They thought George’s decisions were selfish and rash and that he didn’t consider the future of his only child.
But, because Bucky thought his dad’s decision was kind of cool, he gave up the same place that he shared with Steve, just like that, with clenched fists.
“Don’t confuse yourself, Stevie. I’m going to come visit you all the time and bug the hell out of you. I’m moving but it’s just a few bus stops away,” Bucky patted Steve on the shoulder to reassure him.
That was when Steve finally smiled, but it was a watery smile. The little blond boy did his best to show him an understanding expression.
“Fine. But Bucky, you gotta promise, okay?” Steve said.
But as Bucky looked into Steve’s glistening blue eyes, he felt his heart clench at the thought that they would no longer be neighbors. He would no longer be walking with Steve to school and going home with him every day. The thought that he could no longer climb through Steve’s window whenever he wanted made Bucky want to crush the skinny blond between his arms and never let go.
“Of course, pal. I’m with you to the end of the line,” Bucky said, holding Steve’s hand and giving it a firm squeeze.
Steve’s smile became brighter, and the sight nearly brought Bucky to tears. He looked away before he could do something that he would regret.
Steve bumped their sides together as Steve accompanied him to the Barnes’ house.
+++
Bucky
Six years have passed. There are things that have changed and things that haven’t.
Just like our parents have stuck with each other to the end, the tie that connected us continued on. But the way we live our lives, and the ground underneath our feet… It was inevitable that we have changed.
So why does the “me” of today want to have him?
Am I angry at the distance that separated us or at the places that are no longer the same?
Is it possible that I’ve come back to the same place? If it’s neither…
+++
Bucky and Steve, age 18
Inside a judo dojo were male high school students who were all wearing white cotton gi with black belts. They were all watching a match that was happening in the center of the dojo, on top of the training mats.
A tall blond teenager with broad shoulders and well-defined muscles was facing off with another teenager with darker blond hair and a smaller build. They were exchanging judo moves in a practice match that each member of the dojo had to do improve their skills.
The boy with darker blond hair grabbed the lapels of the blond’s uniform. He swiped his foot behind the blond’s to try and trip him, but the blond evaded. In a split second, the boy with darker blond hair was thrown on the mat with a forceful throw from the blond. A loud thud was heard across the dojo.
“Wow! That’s Steve Rogers for you,” one of the onlookers said.
“There’s a reason why all of the seniors are eyeing him to be the team leader already. Nobody beats his build and techniques,” another person said.
A few clapped or cheered after the match was finished.
Steve, the tall, large blond who just won the match, helped his opponent, Marty, up from the mat.
“Sorry, man. I didn’t mean to throw so hard,” Steve said as he held the other guy’s arm.
“It’s okay,” Marty, the teenager with darker blond hair laughed it off as he got up.
There was a small commotion as two newcomers entered the dojo.
“Sorry for being late!” the newcomers announced. It had always been a practice in the dojo to announce their arrival or departure.
“What’s with your messed up faces? Don’t tell me you threw down with those punks from Hydra High School again just like last time,” an older member of the dojo said.
One of the newcomers scratched the back of his head. “No, I just… There was nothing I could do. They started picking on me the same way they did before.”
Steve overheard the conversation and he had a severe expression on his face. He had never liked bullies. He was very concerned that a member of his dojo was getting bullied by the high school students from their neighboring high school. He also disapproved of athletes like them joining in the street fights. Their dojo participated in competitions, and fighting outside of competitions were strictly prohibited. He didn’t want the others to train hard only to be disqualified due to unauthorized fighting.
He went to the two newcomers who were black and blue with bruises and wounds on their faces and hands.
“I’ve made it clear to you that even if they pick the fight, you’ve just gotta let it go,” he said to the newcomers.
“Steve can’t accept any of the high school athletes fighting average kids,” Marty said, he had come closer to them as well.
“If you’re going to keep this up, maybe we should bring this up with the alumni, hmm?” Steve said, there a hint of a mild threat in his voice.
The two newcomers looked apologetic.
“No, never!” one of them said.
“We’re sorry. This will never happen again!” another said.
Both did not like the idea of their seniors getting wind of their troubles. If they knew, they were bound to be taught lessons in discipline the hard way. They’d rather Steve beat them up on the mat rather than their scary alumni.
After practice, Steve left the dojo and headed home. It was his usual routine to go to the dojo to practice before and after class.
It’s already September, but what’s up with this weather? Why is it so hot? He thought as he loosened the upper buttons of his uniform.
He checked his phone and found that he had received a message from Bucky.
[Steve, I’m here. It’s cause your mom called earlier. I’m gonna pass out. It’s so boring. Stop being a fatass and get back soon.]
When he entered the house, he found his mother cooking in the kitchen.
“Hi, Mom!” Steve greeted his mother, Sarah, with a smile.
Sarah looked back at him from the stove and smiled back. “Steve, Bucky’s waiting for you upstairs. I called him to come have dinner with us,” she said.
“I know, Mom,” he said before he went up the stairs to his room.
He opened the door of his room and called out, “Bucky, have you been waiting long?”
He found Bucky sprawled on the floor around a mess of comic books and an opened soda can. The brunet was sleeping with an opened comic book covering his face, his long brown hair fanned underneath the pages.
Steve was momentarily frozen on his tracks with his mouth hanging open when he saw that Bucky was only wearing a light blue sleeveless button down that was only buttoned on the middle button and a very, very short pair of black jeans cut-off shorts with the elastic band of his black underwear peaking from the waistband. His stomach was exposed from the gap between his shorts and his barely-buttoned shirt. One of the brunet’s hands were on his exposed stomach while the other was palm up on the floor near his face.
HIs best friend was all lean muscle and smooth lines. Steve’s mouth went dry and he bit the inside of his lower lip. He felt the temperature grow warmer despite the air-conditioning unit on full blast in his room.
The blond stared at his best friend for a few seconds before moving closer. He took the comic book off of Bucky’s face and held one of his wrists to try and pull him up.
“Buck, wake up,” he said.
Bucky slowly blinked his eyes open, waking up from his nap. He rubbed the sleep off of his eyes with his free hand.
“You’re back,” Bucky said in a husky, just-awake voice. The tips of his lips quirked up in a smile.
“I told you not to blast the A/C and fall asleep no matter how hot it is. You wanna catch a cold again?” Steve lightly scolded.
He leaned down to try and help Bucky up but his best friend wrapped his arms around Steve’s neck and hugged him tight.
“Look at this. Your body is like a block of ice,” Steve muttered. His hands were on the floor, making sure that he supported his upper body so that he would not fall down on the floor and crush Bucky with his big body.
“Ahh… You’re so warm. It feels good…” Bucky sighed in his ear. Steve did his best not to shiver at the contact. The brunet’s long hair was brushing against the side of Steve’s face, making the blond smell his friend’s citrusy shampoo. “Just hold me like this for a sec… Make me warm.” One of his hands went to the blond’s hair, lightly scratching the fine hairs near his nape.
Steve used all of his self-control and held on to Bucky’s wrists. He pulled Bucky’s arms away from around his neck. Bucky let him without any resistance, slowly lying back down on the floor.
“I ran here so I’m all sweaty,” Steve said.
“I don’t care. I like any kind of smell that comes off of you,” Bucky said in a languid tone, still letting Steve hold one of his wrists while his other hand was coyly brushing against his own cheek. The opening of the hem of his nearly opened shirt fell even wider.
Steve took the blazer of his uniform and covered Bucky’s upper body with it. “I don’t like it,” he said as he turned back and left the room.
“Hey!” Bucky called out after Steve. He rolled to his stomach and crossed his feet up in the air after lifting his forelegs.
The brunet sighed as he held on to the blazer that was over his shoulders. He pressed the blazer close to his nose with his right hand and inhaled. He closed his eyes as he took in Steve’s scent that stuck to the blazer. He imagined being enveloped in Steve’s scent, the blond’s arms around him, and their bodies closed just like earlier. It took him a while before he could open his eyes and get up from the floor.
Bucky joined Steve and Sarah for dinner. Steve’s Dad, Joseph was going to be late from work so they started to eat with just the three of them. They shared an enjoyable conversation just catching up on the latest news about Bucky and Steve’s activities. The conversation was especially focused on Steve’s judo competitions and the next one that the blond had been training hard for.
Steve had been training judo since after Bucky moved. The blond boy had decided that he wanted to train his body better because he wanted to be the one to protect his friend so that, someday, he would have the ability to shelter Bucky in his own arms.
It was like an amazing feat when Steve started to bulk up and become taller a few years after he started his judo training. Then, he started joining in competitions and started winning them. It made his parents proud and it also gave Bucky the assurance that the blond would no longer be beaten up in an alley somewhere due to his small size.
Since Bucky had moved to another district, they were no longer able to go to the same schools. Bucky could no longer protect Steve from bullies. But now, the bullies stayed away from Steve due to his huge build and his skills in martial arts.
“Thanks for the dinner! It was delicious! I’ll go grab the dishes,” Bucky said with a wide smile on his face.
“Don’t worry about that. Why don’t you sleep over? It’s been a long time since you’ve had a sleepover with Steve,” Sarah said to Bucky.
Steve was in the middle of drinking a glass of water. He immediately lowered his glass, while giving his best friend a sidelong glance. Bucky had a look on his face that said that he was considering the idea of a sleepover.
“Um… No, Mom. My exams start next week. So I’ve got to prepare for them,” Steve said. It was is attempt to stop his mother from insisting on Bucky to stay and sleep over.
It wasn’t that he did not like Bucky staying over for the night. In fact, he really cherished all the times that he spent with Bucky. But these days, it was getting harder and harder for him to control himself whenever it was just him and his best friend especially if they were alone in his bedroom. He did not want to risk their friendship in case Bucky did not feel the same way. His best friend was naturally expressive and touchy, so he did not want to misinterpret anything that the brunet did out of the closeness of their friendship. He did not want to be the cause of breaking their friendship by doing anything rash. If Bucky rejected him, he would not know what to do with himself. It would surely break him.
“Forget it. Did I say I was sleeping over?” Bucky quickly said. “Well sorry. I’m a busy person, too, you know.” He puffed a breath as he threw a glance at Steve, looking put off.
After a while, Bucky was headed for the door with Steve trailing behind him.
“Good night. I’ll drop by again, Mrs. Rogers.” Bucky gave a wide smile to the blonde woman as he opened the front door. He glanced at Steve who was at his back. “So, why are you tiptoeing after me, Steve?”
“I’ll walk you out,” the blond said.
They both walked out of the door.
Bucky stuck out his tongue. “I don’t need it. Please, go back inside, your royal highness.”
Steve still followed him out of the waist-high fence that surrounded the Rogers’ house. “I’m just gonna walk you to the bus stop.”
Steve handed him a blue and white plaid button down shirt. “Put this on. It’s pretty chilly tonight.”
Bucky just stood there and stared at the shirt that he was now holding.
“What are you doing? Move it. You’re gonna miss the last bus,” the blond said. He turned to face the street, checking their surroundings.
“Ugh…” He had a bewildered expression on his face for a few seconds as he stared at the plaid shirt. “Are you telling me to wear this?”
Steve looked back and was momentarily stunned by Bucky who was now wearing the blue and white plaid button down shirt. But due to Steve’s large build, the size of the shirt was really big compared to Bucky’s physique. And with Bucky’s very short pair of shorts, it was like Bucky was only wearing Steve’s shirt and nothing else. The brunet’s long legs seemed to go on forever. It made Steve’s throat dry. He had to gulp to try to moisten his parched throat.
“Are you kidding? I can roll up the sleeves, but my shorts make it look like I’m not wearing anything down there,” Bucky said as he raised an arm, emphasizing the fact that the cuff of the sleeves were already covering most of his hands. Steve was taller that Bucky and had a bigger build. The shirt totally dwarfed him.
Steve looked Bucky up and down without saying anything for a while. His eyes lingered on the brunet’s firmly muscled thighs before speaking. Heat was pooling in his gut. He had to stop looking at Bucky for a while before he could act on his urges. “Just wait here a sec…”
The blond hurriedly went inside the house and into his room to look for a pair of pants. He grabbed the first decent pair that he saw, not wanting to keep Bucky waiting outside.
“Here,” he said, handing over a pair of grey shorts that ended just around Bucky’s shins when the brunet wore it. “Happy now? Let’s go,” he said.
Bucky remained speechless as he followed Steve’s directions. He arranged his clothes so that it would look more presentable.
The two started walking down the road.
“For now, don’t ever say no when my mom asks you to come over. You should come every time,” Steve said after a while.
Bucky turned to him with a smirk. “Hah! I thought you hated that I interfere with your studies if I come over too often.”
Steve huffed a breath. “Since you haven’t failed to get sick near the end of every summer recently, my mom has been dying for the chance to take care of you. She thinks it’s all because your energy levels are low because you don’t eat well.” He looked straight ahead at the road in front of him. There were only a few people and cars on the street that night. “Actually, I’ve been getting worried, because it’s almost the end of the summer.”
Bucky looked at Steve and quietly listened. He liked Steve thinking about him. He felt how important he was to his best friend whenever Steve fussed about him.
“Also, don’t run around in that kind of outfit no matter how much the heat bothers you. It’s almost September now, and you always catch a cold,” Steve continued.
Bucky reached out and entwined his arm with Steve’s, moving their bodies closer together as they walked. Bucky leaned the side of his face against the point on Steve’s shoulder.
“If you’re so worried, it’d be nice if you came to see me once in a while instead of just talking about being worried. Why haven’t you come over to my place at all?” Bucky asked through his upturned eyes.
Steve looked sideways at Bucky, his heart skipping a beat after finding that their faces were very close to each other.
“My mom and dad don’t come home often, because they work night shifts, and I get lonely. It’d be nice if you came over on the weekends to hang out and sleep over. Just like before,” Bucky said. He rubbed his cheek on Steve’s shoulder, pulling his body even closer.
The blond could feel his best friend’s warmth through their connected bodies. Bucky’s upper arm was now flush against the side of his torso. His own arm was against the front of Bucky’s torso, against his lean muscles.
Steve pointed the index finger of his free hand to the center of Bucky’s forehead and pushed him away with it. “Don’t make it sound so easy just because you’re not preparing for college. And stop rubbing me. Your hair itches.”
Bucky pouted, scrunching up his nose as he tried to resist Steve’s weak attempt to push him away with just an index finder.
“I usually lose time because of judo practice. So I have to catch up on my other studies over the weekend,” Steve continued.
The brunet finally released his hold on Steve’s arm and let the blond step away. When they reached the bus stop, it seemed like only a few moments had passed by.
“Make sure to at least cover your stomach when you go to sleep even if you don’t want to use a blanket, okay?” Steve said to him as he was walking away. They waved goodbye to each other.
Bucky looked back at his best friend, who now had his back turned towards him, with a forlorn expression on his face.
+++
Bucky
At one point, I was relieved by the fact that this friendship—one so close to brotherhood—existed so constantly no matter how far we were.
That’s because I believed there was hope, since there was that feeling that he definitely cares for me.
But I’m not too sure about that anymore.