Remembering.
When you wake up to the distant beeping of the heart monitor, you’re not surprised. You don’t open your eyes. Everything hurts. Your head is pounding. There’s a dull ache in your arm – probably where an IV is hooked into you. Ever so slowly, you open your eyes. A glaring white ceiling meets you, and you realize that you’re not at home – you’re in the hospital. At that, you finally groan and try to sit up, using your willpower to pull yourself into a sitting position. In the corner of the room, there’s a passed out- Wait, is that- “Steve?” You croak, your throat failing you, and his head whips up, blue eyes focusing quickly and darting around the room to look for danger. But when they focus on you, they’re filled with sympathy and pain and he darts out of the chair, coming to stand next to your bed. “Lie down.” He says, softly, gently hands easing you back down. You almost cry, your eyes searching his face. “What happened?” You ask, suddenly nervous. “Where’s Tony?”
He shakes his head, hand steadily keeping you lying down. “He’s fine – he had to do something, he’s back at home.” You nod, slowly, throat tight as you try to remember what happened. Where’s Peter? You find yourself thinking, and as if on cue, the brunet boy stumbles through the door, hair messy and eyes dark with tiredness. “Uh, Cap – Captain? Mr. Stark wants to talk to you – he’s on the phone.” Steve smiles down at you, muttering that he’ll be right back, and strides out the door. You watch him leave, then look over to where Peter is awkwardly standing in the doorframe. “You can sit if you want.” You manage to croak out, not wanting to sound too injured or tired. He smiles, shuffling over to the chair next to your bed, and sits down awkwardly.
“You okay?” He asks, after a moment of silence, and you nod. “Sorry if I freaked you out.” You reply, trying to remember the exact details – you know you passed out, you know your nose was bleeding, but everything after that is dark. Peter just shakes his head, his brown eyes softening. “No, no – I was just worried, I guess.” He says, leaning forwards slightly, but you shrug. “I’m fine now.” He doesn’t look like he entirely believes it, but he lets it slide as you don’t seem all too keen on the subject. He opens his mouth, about to start a new conversation, when Steve opens the door again.
You smile, eyes brightening when you see him, but your expression fades when you see the pity and urgency in his crystal blue eyes. “We, uh, we need to get back. The nurses have cleared you.” You furrow your brow, worried and confused, but all Steve returns is pity. You shift, stepping out of the bed and graciously accepting the red hoodie that Peter hands you. They walk you out, and take you back to the facility, where most of the team seems anxious for your return – Nat pulls you into a tight hug, muttering something about never doing that again, Clint pats you on the back, and Wanda smiles at you. But the one thing that makes you nervous are the sympathetic looks on all their faces.
“What is it?” You ask, as Tony comes into the room. Tony, the one man who’ll give you a straightforward answer. “We found your file – well, FRIDAY found your file from HYDRA. It was hidden under layers and layers of coding, but we got it.” The silence that fills the room is deafening, and you suddenly feel terrified – flashbacks of your cell fill your mind, and with each memory of the cold walls and dark corners you start to panic even more. What brings you out of it, however, is Peter reassuringly grabbing your hand.
“Um – can I, can I see it?” You ask, unsure, and Tony nods, ushering you over to the screen in the lab. The file is already open, and a page with what look like your mugshots is open with all of your data – stuff you already know, but it still makes your heart beat a bit faster. Your hand moves of its own accord, reaching forwards and tapping the folder on the side labeled “Subject Files”. The first thing that pops up is your birth certificate, and you can feel Peter tense up next to you, making you realize that he has no idea what HYDRA even is, or what you went through. As you scroll, you finally find the section you’re looking for – “Reports and Activity”. You click.
SUBJECT UNSTABLE. POWERS UNKNOWN, DEEMED TOO DANGEROUS FOR FIELD USE. UNSAFE. The red letters stare back at you from the screen, menacing and harsh in every way – so much so that your throat tightens, the walls seeming to close in on you. Unstable. Too dangerous. Unsafe. They are all your worst self-doubts, all your fear and insecurities piled into one file. You find yourself clicking through the other files in the folder – case files, notes, studies on your behaviours. Then there’s a video, only titled ‘Evidence’. You hesitate, scared of what you’ll find, but the curiosity overtakes you and you press play.
As the video takes over the screen, your heart stops. There, in the center, is you. Strapped to a metal chair, head hanging low. Past You must be under 10 years old, your small frame shaking against your bindings. A group of people walk in, in white lab coats stark against the dark room. One has a clipboard, another has a small tape recorder. One pulls out a syringe and approaches Past You, tugging your head up to face him. Past You looks asleep, or passed out. He starts to inject the syringe when your eyes shoot open, and Past You screams, the sound making everyone shrink back from the screen and the doctors in the video jump back, clutching their ears. Only one doctor stays standing, and he injects the syringe fully into your neck, making Past You shut your eyes and drop your head again, asleep.
The doctor who injected you turns to face the camera, a wicked grin on his face as he wipes the blood coming from his ears away. He writes something on his clipboard, stepping past his still-crouching colleagues. He approaches the camera, taps it, reaches to turn it off. The screen goes dark, and you realize that you are physically shaking. The horrified reflections of the team standing behind you stare back at you, just like those awful words. Unstable, dangerous, unsafe. You understand now. You force yourself to breathe, trying to calm down your erratic heartbeat. “I hurt them…” You mumble, hands coming up to feel the spot on your neck where he’d injected you.
The team try to console you, sympathetic, before Tony and Steve wave them off so that they can actually help you. “Look, Y/N – What you did in the video wasn’t you, okay? It was them – That serum was controlling you.” Steve says, a strong hand on your shoulder. You smile, nodding, feeling slightly safer now what your Surrogate Dad is here. “Tony found the file. He’s working on a reverse serum right now.” At that you narrow your eyes. “What do you mean – a reverse serum? But I thought I wasn’t being controlled anymore…” At this Steve widens his eyes, turning to Tony for him to explain.
“Look… Y/N… The serum might still be in effect.” You shake your head slowly at first, throat closing. “Okay – um, when you shift into other people? When you can’t control it? That could be the serum trying to… Control you. But it’s weak, so it can’t fully. Do you understand?” It takes a moment for his words to sink in, but when they do you reach for Peter’s hand again, and he lets you take it. You nod, even though all this new information is messing you up. “So… This reverse serum? It can… Can get rid of everything HYDRA’s done?” Tony nods, a small smile forming on his face. “The reverse serum will target and destroy the current serum in your blood. Now buck up, kiddo – you’re back and you’re safe, that’s what matters.” You smile at his words, and nod, eyes brightening again.
When Tony and Steve head off to do some Avengers work – they won’t tell you exactly what it is, although you suspect it has something to do with the government – you sit in silence with Peter, still holding his hand. Finally, you break the silence. “I’m leaving.” He turns to you, confused, and narrows his eyes. “What?” You clear your throat, hand intertwined with Peter’s starting to pull away to sit in your lap. “I saw the file. Before. They thought I didn’t – They thought I scrolled past too quickly.” Peter still doesn’t understand, and his hurt puppy eyes aren’t helping the nagging guilt. “This serum slowly kills the host if it isn’t renewed. I’m dying.” As you say the words, the words that had only been in your thoughts before, your eyes sting with hot unshed tears.
“I’m dying, and if I stay it will only hurt them more. I have to go, I have to leave, I have to–” You’re cut off by Peter turning to face you fully, his body in front of you. “STOP! Leaving now isn’t going to help, okay? They’re - they’re your family, and they’ll take care of you and protect you. Think about that. Think about how much they all care for you. This about how much I care for you.” As Peter speaks your shaking slows, your cheeks dampening as unshed tears begin to spill over. “I hurt people. I’m a monster. I can’t – I can’t hurt anyone else!” At this point he closes the gap, stepping close to you, and places his hands on your shoulders. “You won’t. You are not a monster – you’re you. You can do this. I believe in you.” You calm down slightly, his voice soothing you.
“Please. Don’t give in.” He begs, brown eyes staring into yours, and you sigh, wrapping your arms around him and resting your head on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry…” You whisper, grip tightening around him as he hugs you, filling the space formed by panic and fear. “It’s okay. You’re okay.” He mutters, reassuring and strong in your moment of weakness.