“Stella, is everything okay?” Dana captured her attention back from.. her own head. They were having a nice evening in, watching… something, she completely forgot. And Dana stopped it. Which means she noticed, of course she noticed. The former FBI noticed everything.
“Of course, why wouldn’t it be?” more of an automatic answer and not at all convincing. Most of her tells were right there on the table, toying with her hands, staring into nothingness and automated responses dependent on the person she was with at the moment.
Dana simply raised an eyebrow at her. She moved a bit closer, as they were on the opposed ends of the sofa. Stella could imagine the concerned look, but she kept staring ahead.
“There’s been something on your mind for quite some time. You know I won’t push, but I’m here if you need me.” the blonde simply nodded, absent. She would probably end everything if she’d known. All of her past partners had. She doesn’t blame them. Now she has the baggage too, as a cherry on top.
Dana resumes the movie… Ocean’s 8, of course it is. They stay closer, and at the end of the night Dana has her head in Stella’s lap. The Brit absentmindly massages her scalp and strokes her hair.
They both get ready for bed once the movie concludes and Cate Blanchett rides off on her new bike. She’s still debating herself. No arguments can ease her mind and as they settle for sleep she pulls Dana close.
The redhead doesn’t seem too surprised, she settles herself comfortably on Stella’s shoulder and wraps her arms around the blonde’s body.
“Dana?”
“Yes Stella?” she could feel her girlfriend getting nervous and so the redhead started to trace random patterns on Stella’s stomach.
The blonde took a really deep breath. “What do you know about aromanticism?” she was so nervous, so fucking nervous it shouldn’t be possible. But this felt like a last chance and if she ever fucked them up she’d never forgive herself.
“Just what I can derive from the word, lack of romantic attraction. Why?” she propped herself up on her elbows to see small tears forming in Stella’s eyes. She was willing herself not to cry and was staring a hole into the ceiling. Who had dared to hurt her so much?
“Doesn’t matter, forget it.” She turned to her side facing the wall and Dana could practically see the falling tears and face scrunched in pain. So she laid on her back and kept talking.
“It’s a spectrum, just like any other identity. Each person has an individual and different experience." She takes a breath and continues in an even softer voice. “Everyone who falls on the aromantic spectrum is simply just a person. After all, there are many kinds of love. The fact that their portrayal is minimal or none at all doesn't make it any less real.” during her little speech Stella turned herself and bluntly started at her, tears still running down her face.
“So you wouldn’t hate me?” her voice is small, so impossibly small and broken and it takes all Scully’s self-control not to go and kill several someones.
Instead, she gestures for Stella to put her head on her shoulder. It’s an impossibly slow process, as if Stella is afraid to be hurt in the next couple of seconds.
“Why would I hate you?” the question would sound stupid to many, but not to the two of them, too well acquitanced with traumas and their consequences.
“Everyone so far has.” she whispers, voice full of unfollen tears. Dana pulls her closer, stroking her back.
“I don’t think I could ever hate you, and if so, never for who you are.” she can feel tears soking up her sleeping shirt and she does the only thing she can, keeps up the support.
“I’ve known since I was 20. I found people attractive regardless of their gender, but.. That was it. No romantic symptoms. Even with the few people I attempted to date.” Stella breaks the silence after what had to have been at least 20 minutes of silent crying.
“For me, it means I don’t feel the romantic attraction, but it never ever meant that I didn’t care.” Her voice was barely a whisper then, so quiet, afraid. “I don’t really know how to explain it. The few people I’ve told.. they accused me of being fake, monster, beast.. they got creative.”
“Oh darling,” Dana kissed the crown of her head. Many times, slowly, taking her time, rubbing Stella’s back. “It changes something, yes, but not in a bad way. It makes you even stronger and braver in my eyes. It means we get to talk about, what you want, don’t want, what makes you comfortable.” She kisses her head again, stroking her cheek, “But it in no way brings any negative emotions. You deserve to be cherished and loved for who you are, not what others want you to be.” she feels a slight nod and that’s enough.
“I feel what’s called a queerplatonic love. It’s uh, more than friendship but not quite romantic by society’s standarts.” She takes Dana’s hand, holds it to her heart and confesses. “I love you, Dana. Just not the way everyone is expecting me to.”
Dana smiles at the gesture, takes one of Stella’s hands and kisses her knuckles. “Thank you, for trusting me.” She says tenderly.
“It may not be what everyone expects, but Stel, I feel the love every day. When you bring me coffee, when you manhandle some jackass, when you hold me like I’m everything after an episode or a nightmare.” She lifts Stella’s chin so that Stella can check her eyes.
“Being loved by you, loving you, is an experience. It’s intense, it’s so pure. Whenever something happens, you’re there, like a dragon, willing to barbecue anyone and everyone who might have tried to hurt me. And if you’re not against it, I would like to talk about it more. Doesn’t have to be today, tomorrow, in a month, year, or never. Just know this, I love you for who you are, the highs, the lows, the deep shit, the everyday life. I love everything about you.”