Loki rushed into the bathroom, turning on the taps clammily he positioned himself in front of the mirror. As soon as the water burst from the taps Loki splashed it onto his face, the hot water stung slightly but he didn’t care all that much. He was too busy trying to focus on removing the blue blotches on his ivory skin that were forming quickly. Loki’s breathing picked up as he heard a noise come from outside, he quickly closed the door and locked it, making sure no one would see him like this.
His hands were beginning to turn a light shade of red from the continuous rubbing he was doing. His face ached as he rubbed off at least three layers of skin. Desperately pressing his hot finger tips into the bruise like spots forming on his neck, face and arms. All the while wishing they would just go away.
Desperately he tried to rub out the colour, like it was a mistake. Like he was a mistake, rubbing desperately to cover up the failed math equation or the misspelt word.
He was a misspelt word. He was Adoption spelt S-T-O-L-E-N, cared for spelt L-I-E-D T-O, equal spelt with a silent ‘I’ and ‘N’ in the front.
He was a failed math equation. He was < than, he was living – love, he was a monster + killer, it was simple math.
“No, no, no, no no!” He said as he saw his once minty green pupils turn a deep shade of red. Blood red, but not the innocent type of blood like from a small scratch or graze. No, this was the murder scene type blood, spilt with malicious intentions, hate and tyranny.
The angry dark spots continued to grow. Despite his efforts to remove them the marks and stains continued to invade the once ivory skin of the god. He cursed himself silently upon realising that any effort he made to remove the marks was all for naught. It was as if someone was spilling ink into water, the blue just leaked onto his skin and stayed there.
His fingertips had gone first, the stress had caused the reaction. It happened sometimes when he was angry or on edge, the fingertips would go first, then the hands, wrists and eventually his whole body would be submerged in the sick like icy blue.
“Argh!” Loki let out an angry sound, and punched the mirror. It shattered into pieces and he felt the wall crack from the weight of the punch. Only, upon seeing his cracked reflections on the pieces of glass that still remained his anger quickly faded into something else.
Sadness.
He felt it in his gut, an overwhelming stabbing pain, twisting his stomach around. Sadness had a firm grip on his body, it was twisting him. The sadness was worse than the anger, anger was quick, like a gun shot. It hurt, but it was over in almost an instant. No, sadness was like a knife, twisting and slow. Cutting the skin one cell at a time, drawing blood and tears. Sadness was like a truck, it ran you over and left you, just there on the road. Staring up at the cloudy grey sky as you cried, not knowing what else to do.
This is what Loki felt as he slumped slowly to the floor of the bathroom. He leaned against the wall, almost willing himself to fade into it. To just melt away and wither, perhaps then if he had no emotion, he would feel sadness.
His knuckles were scratched and ripped open, tiny shards of glass sticking out of his cut skin. Loki just closed his eyes and sighed, it was a long sigh, uninterrupted and steady. He felt drops of water drip from his eyes, spilling out slowly as he sat there. The tears themselves froze halfway down his face, sticking to his icy skin.
Loki began bashing his head against the wall as if he were trying to knock himself out, punishing himself for being this…monster. He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he barely recognised the quiet knock on his bathroom door. He opened his puffy eyes and let his red pupils crawl towards the door. After a few moments of him not moving or responding he heard a small voice speak from the other of the door.
“Loki?” The raven haired prince heard you say from the other side of the door. Loki just sighed and thanked the gods the door was locked, he did not want you seeing him this way.
“Go away,” he said, abruptly. His voice cracked half way through, he didn’t want you seeing him like this, he didn’t want you seeing him as a monster…
“Loki please come out,” you said concern dripping from your voice, you held the doorknob, hoping that he would unlock the door. You had seen Loki leave the meeting in a hurry, the others didn’t seem to notice, or maybe they just didn’t care. But you did, you cared.
“No.” Loki said abruptly, trying to dismiss you. Trying to make you leave. He didn’t really want you to go, but at the same time he just wanted to be alone. He could hear you sigh from the other side of the door and saw your shadow shift around from under the door.
“Please Loki,” you said, you were genuinely concerned about him. You didn’t want him to be upset, you never wanted anyone to be upset but Loki especially. When you didn’t get a reply you sighed in annoyance.
“Fine then, if you’re not coming out, then I’m coming in,”
Loki felt his eyes widen in concern, he didn’t. Want. You. Seeing. Him. Like. This. He watched the door intently, thanking that he had locked it. Only he seemed to forget that you could just melt the lock by looking at it. A red beam of light shot out from your eyes, you tried to focus it on the lock and not burn the door down. You focused on the lock, focusing on fire, consuming the lock. Sure enough the lock soon began to heat up, glowing an orange type red. Your eyes stung for a moment and your vision was blurred.
It felt as if you had just cut up a thousand white onions. Your eyes watered and stung, causing drops of water to fall from your eyes. Still, you reached for the doorknob, twisting it slowly and pushing the door open.
Loki’s heartbeat increased as he saw the door swing open slowly, he held his breath as he watched you turn around. He shot up immediately and closed the door, not bothering to try and fix the lock. You hopped out of his way as he pushed past you to close the door, you still couldn’t see properly at all, and Loki was just a blur. You rubbed your watering eyes, remembering why you didn’t do that often. Usually you would use your hands, but the beam would be bigger and you might have hurt Loki, so you didn’t.
You wiped your tears away and saw the broken mirror, along with the tiny drops of blood. Your brows furrowed as your eyes traced over the room, there was water all over the place, as well as glass, your eyes widened as you realised you almost stepped on a large piece of mirror.
“Loki, you’re hurt,” you said referring to the drops of blood you saw on the pieces of shattered glass. Loki just ignored you, not replying and not facing you. He was standing near the door, as if he was going to leave at any moment.
Loki thought about it for a second, but then at the same time, he wouldn’t risk any of the other Avengers seeing him. He wished his skin would return to its normal colour, instead of this sick like blue.
“Loki, please talk to me,” you said, you wished he would just tell you what’s wrong, so you could fix it. He just ignored you still, he was squeezing his eyes shut, trying to imagine himself somewhere else. You took several steps towards him, dodging the potentially impaling pieces of glass. You reached a hesitantly slow hand up to his shoulder. Loki was tense, his muscles unmoving and on edge. He reacted like a cat, whose fur you rub the opposite way. It felt good but unnerved him slightly. He scrunched his hands up into fists, trying to calm himself down.
“Turn around, please.” Loki grit his jaw but opened his eyes, there were still frosty snow like marks on his cheeks and jaw from his tears. He wiped them away before asking you;
“Why?”
You swallowed, and replied. Seeing him like this almost killed you, you wanted to tell him how much he meant to you, how much you cared about him. To let the words flow out of your mouth but now wasn’t the time.
“Because I want to see you,” you said softly. You took your hand off his shoulder as he began to turn around. Your brows furrowed as you realised that his usual ivory skin was now a dark blue. Loki looked down, refusing to make eye contact but eventually his eyes drifted up to your (e/c) ones. You felt your breathing stop as his red pupils connected with yours. Loki saw this and scoffed, he turned his head and refused to look at you.
“Loki…” You said, softly, not knowing what else to say. You knew he was a frost giant, but you had never seen one before, let alone him as one. He never talked about it, by now you had realised he was probably ashamed. A wave of something washed over you… something you couldn’t quite name.
“What?!? What are you going to say (y/n)? What are you going to do? Nothing you could possibly say could fix this!” Loki was yelling by the end of it, his red pupils penetrating your own (e/n) pools. His breathing was ragged and you could see tears formed in his eyes, despite his serious expression. His chest rose heavily and unsteadily, you could tell he had been crying. He didn’t look at you, instead had his eyes glued to the floor beneath you.
“What are you going to tell me (y/n)? That I’m, that I’m-“
“Beautiful.” You said, your tone still in that soft and caring place as before. Only this time you had more conviction. You spoke truth. It was the only thing you could say, because it was true. Loki’s eyes flashed up to yours, he looked confused and slightly surprised. Like what you had just said made absolutely no sense what so ever, so you decided to explain.
“I don’t see you for this,” You said, gesturing a hand out to his body and appearance. Loki furrowed his brows at you, still confused, yet thinking about what you were saying. “I see you for this,” pointing to the pumping organ in his chest. It was true, it was all true, and you only saw him for what he was on the inside. Loki just looked away from you again.
“How can you stand to look at me? I’m a monster,” he said through slightly gritted teeth.
“No, no you are not. You are Loki, the smartest, funniest, most amazing person I’ve ever met,” You said, his eyes drifted up to yours. You saw them soften slightly as he thought about what you said. You smiled a small smile.
“And this” you said gesturing once more to his appearance “this is beautiful too.” Loki scoffed again. Your eyes trailed over the perfect patters on his head and arms, you wanted to touch him, and you wanted to hold him…
“Lies.” He claimed, you felt a stab of something in you, hurt, how could you convince him you were telling the truth?
“No, you’re the liar,” you said, you knew it sounded harsh, but you needed him to listen to you. He looked back at you a dead expression on his face but behind it was sadness. “You tell yourself that you’re a monster, that’s the biggest lie of all.” You stepped forward so the two of you were face to face.
“I don’t see a monster in those eyes, I see you. You are beautiful, no matter what you think, no matter what other’s think, you are perfect.” You reached a hand up to touch him, but he flinched away. You felt a stab of hurt shock through you.
Loki sensed this;
“I’ll burn you,” he said, concern in his voice. You shook your head at him and smiled. You reached for him anyway, this time he didn’t flinch away. He let your hand connect with his skin. You cupped his face gently. You felt Loki relax slightly under your touch. He felt his muscles relax slightly second by second. He sighed in contentment, almost forgetting why he was upset, and that he was in his natural form.
Your hand did burn like he said it would, it felt like your hand was on fire from the heat but you refused to remove your hand, you kept it there. You watched as he closed his eyes in contentment. You watched as his navy blue skin turned back to his usual ivory hue. Loki opened his eyes as he felt his body temperature go back to normal, you smiled wider as your (e/c) connected with his pale green ones. Loki couldn’t help but smile upon seeing you smile, and the realisation that he had returned to his usual state.
He thought about what you had said, you told him that he was beautiful. You told him that he wasn’t a monster. Something about hearing that just made him feel, warmer. You made him feel warmer. Out of nowhere, he reached down and pressed his lips against yours. Almost roughly he kissed you, at first you pulled back. But was his lips became softer and gentler, you started kissing him back. He placed his hand on the back of your head to pull your head closer and kiss you more passionately. He traced his tongue on your bottom lip asking for entrance. You granted Loki the entrance, you hardly fought him as his tongue explored every part of your mouth. You smiled into the kiss as he broke it off, he pulled you closer into a hug. You just melted into his embrace.
“You don’t think I’m a monster?” He asked, more tears forming in his eyes as he thought about the wonderful things you had said to him. How he was beautiful, how you cared about him…
“No,” you said pulling away from the hug.
“But if you were… I would still love you.” You said, he smiled a wide smile at you and kissed you again. There was an endless amount of emotion in that kiss and you felt yourself getting lost. He told you all of the things he was too afraid to say;
How he loved you, how he was never going to let you go and how grateful he was, that you were there for him. He pulled back and looked at your hands, he muttered something under his breath and your hands were healed.
“See you’re not so bad…” You said smiling a glinting smile. Loki smiled back and chuckled, pulling you into a hug. You had made everything better, you had helped him, cured him of his sadness. He rested his head on top of yours.
‘No, he wasn’t so bad,’ Loki thought to himself.